YWL: Crisis in Kayfabe

They say that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"- but apparently if you fraternize one time with Mr. Apple will set into motion a chain of events which leads to the downfall of an entire organization.

Pictured: The face of corporate decept-hey, is that Wildcat Willie??  

Let's just get this out there right now- the YWL is no more.

Seeing as I've seemingly made it my life's work to write about things I want to do and then just going out and not doing them, I'm imagining that there's not a lot of surprise out there in Cyberspacelandia.  However, since wrestling is involved, you can't trust what your eyes are seeing and what your brain is telling you.  Because there is a swerve here of epic proportions, I need you all to sit down because I am about to blow your mind through the bottom of your pants.

Just in case you missed it last time

Our story begins (and ends) with three key ingredients.  There is a CAW of Mr. Apple.  There is a bug in the WWE '13 game itself.  And there is  kayfabe.  Like a good magician, I'm going to give you a step by step explanation of the science behind my illusion so that you know exactly how you got tricked.  Except that is not what good magicians do.  Also, I suppose good writers stay away from mixing metaphors.  But we're well past the point of pretending that I am actually a good writer.

Let's start with Mr. Apple.  To most people, Mr. Apple is Steve Jobs.  But to Marquettians- Mr. Apple is a mysterious dude in a mascot suit who stands on the corner of Washington and Third during the summer to tout the wares of Farmer Q's.  Pretty much the run-of-the-mill mascot- but to the kids (at least mine), it might as well be the Pied Piper handing out Turbo Man dolls.  THIS JUST IN: Kids love dudes in goofy costumes. 

As I've stated a few times, much of my motivation for doing this whole league is to have something fun and crazy to do with the kids.  So when we passed Mr. Apple on the streets that fateful afternoon, I just knew that Mr. Apple was destined to set foot in the squared circle against the likes of The Rock, Stone Cold, and Homestarrunner.  Doggone it though- all of my CAW slots were taken up with those other goofs.

(Clearly there is a second PS3 user name that I'm sloughing off some of the additional "Hey, that guy would be awesome to have in a wrestling game" CAW slots onto- but for the purposes of this post, you don't know that).

What to do?

Well, I decided to usurp my resident Spongebob CAW- for a few reasons.

1) I have different plans for Spongebob.
2) It's freaking Mr. Apple.
3) Somebody else already did the work to create a mascotly shaped puffy body.

Once the decision was made, the creative process didn't take real long.  After a few minutes of adjusting some colors, sizes, and shapes- PRESTO- welcome to the YWL, Mr. Apple.

It is here that I bring up the glitch- or, more ominously, The Glitch.

Apparently, as is standard practice amongst video game companies, WWE 13 was released slightly unfinished and with a few bugs.  You can read about them here.  One of those bugs would completely reset the teams and rosters of the WWE 13 universe mode.  They did release a patch shortly afterwards to fix some of the above glitches, and since I purchased the game several months after the premature release/patch process, I have only known the patch.  Unfortunately, the WWE Universe mode reset glitch was not (at least fully) addressed during the lone patch.  Unfortunatelyer, THQ went bankrupt and dissolved in January and any subsequent follow-up patches went by the wayside.

The end result was chaos.  Altering my Spongebob into Mr. Apple undid all of my tag teams and reset the rosters to their default setting.  While my CAWs were in their updated slots and the rivalries stayed intact for the most part, the rest of it pretty much went back to stock mode.  Which means that a lot of time and effort went out the window and my Universe mode was left in shambles.

Needless to say (but said anyways), I was Frust. Rated.  I don't want to embellish my reaction, but I seriously began to think it would be easy to just let the whole thing crash and burn, chalked up as another failure of the impulsive loud mouth ramblings of the idiot that runs this blog.

It is here that I bring kayfabe into the equation.

To the uninundated, kayfabe is basically the set of "rules" that govern the wrestling universe.  It's the understanding between the wrestler and the fans that basically acknowledges the actions of said wrestler within his wrestling "universe" are "real" for the sake of enhancing the performance.  For we, the fan, our part in kayfabe is to "play along" even though we know the scripted, pre-determined nature of what we are witnessing.

It's what makes wrestling awesome instead of just watching some well-oiled grown ups play make-believe fighting.  It's also what has given second life to my ludicrous meanderings for at least another day.

So please disregard everything I have said about my stupid video game getting reset because I decided to turn Spongebob into an Apple mascot.  That's not what happened.  Actually the YWL folded due to lack of financial solvency.  Poor attendance at televised events, low ratings, and an insufficient buy rate for "Hit Guys With Chairs" led to the untimely demise of the company.  Fortunately for you, the fan sitting at home, it didn't stay demised for long.  It was absorbed into the bigger, financially more powerful (and definitely not going to be messing with the roster-ness) of the YWA- Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling Association.

And next week, I'll be absorbing the YWA into you.

Or something.

YWL: Season 1, Week 3

Hit Guys With Chair is next week!  In the meantime, some week 3- recap.

But first, a little clarifier- In my last post, I mentioned the 'quick' setting a couple of times.  Allow me to 'splain.  There are three settings to the simulated matches- quick, normal, and epic.  I do 'quick' for the regular matches because time is a finite resource and I am pretty sure that using it to watch video game wrestling (and then writing about it) is possibly not the best use of that time.

WCW:

Darth Maul vs Super Mario
Confession- I eschewed the easy road for the Mario entrance song and gave him Ebola in Memphis, a mash-up tune that I found on a website that most likely had some connection to the mafia.  In some ways, it's really out of place with the whole Mario persona- but the music goes really well with his entrance, so I kept it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you.

In terms of the actual match, it was an orgy of Sith punishment.  Maul spent the whole match kicking and punching and jumping and kicking and jumping and punching and in the end, it was just too much for poor 'ol Mario.

AJ Lee and Bella Da Ball (kidding- just one of the Bella's) vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
In perhaps the cruelest sense of irony, the first repeat match and the clearest form of feud development is occurring between a group of Divas wrestlers that are not united by any sort of team harmony, mutual animosity, or pursuit of a championship. 

Why couldn't this have been Avengers/Sith?  Or Avengers/Team CoBro?  Shoot, I'd even watch the Avengers take on the Bella Twins- I just want to see tag team matchups that involve actual tag teams.  Is that too much to ask??? 

Thankfully, Eve made AJ tap so quickly in this match that I barely had time to think the preceding thoughts.  Still, there's a very good chance that I'm going to see some variation of this stinker over the next couple of weeks- and maybe even (gulp) beyond.

Arnold vs Barack Obama
A little follow up from the tag team match on last weeks NXT.  Nice save, bookerman. 

Regardless of political persuasion, I hope that you can appreciate the brilliance of including Barack Obama in this league.  Not that I'm the first (or only) person to have done it- but everyone that does it is a genius. 

After a pretty even start, things took a turn for the worse for the Governator when he inexplicably got out of the ring to set up the announcing table for...well, for what, I don't know.  What I do know is that this was the part of the show where Barack unleashed his underrated rope game and launched an aerial assault that can only be described as a Air Force One, Fox Three.

But then, just when you thought that Arnold was purposefully throwing the match- he choke-slammed Obama through the announcers table.  Plus, and this is crucial- he threw Barack Obama through a table!  Woah!!!  That's awesome!!!You can't tell me that doesn't make your little liberal heart smile at least a little bit.

If not, then this should do the trick

If I decide to name a 'Match of the Year', this will certainly be in the conversation.  Obama nailed three of his finishers (The FiliBUSTer) on Arnold, but in an overly-zealous-and-ridiculously-blatant fourth-wall reference to bureaucratic inefficiency, he (and by 'he', I mean 'I') attempted to pin Arnold within reach of the ropes all three times, which allowed Arnold to kick out and continue the match.  Finally, after miraculously escaping from a colossal clutch, Obama rolled him up for the three count to put the finishing touches on one of the best matches I've ever seen- real or otherwise.

Who said that big government never gave us anything?

Captain America and Darth Vader vs Red Hulk and Strong Bad
Wait- whaaaaaat???

I don't get it either, Random Dorky Glasses Guy

Let's pause to honor this historic moment in Youshouldknowjasonparks history- my first-ever use of a  GIF!!!!  Although I probably could..have...used a...better.....one.    

So apparently my idea of a master feud between the Sith and the Avengers was aborted so that Darth Maul could fight...Super Mario and Darth Vader could team up with....Captain America to....um, fight against....Strong Bad and Red Hulk?????

There.  That's better.

Seriously, if some of my more wrestling-knowledgeable friends could explain why a face and a heel who are already on teams would team up against two heels that they aren't actually rivals with, I'd greatly appreciate it and probably even cite my sources.

It's not that I'm against randomness- I champion randomness.  That was one of my whole reasons for doing the YWL in the first place.  But in the context of wrestling feud development....well, I don't know enough yet to ascertain the meaning of these random matches and the overbooking of the Divas has me less than convinced that the computer GM knows what the heck it's doing.

Regardless of why this match took place, it was definitely a quickie.  Vader/America did a great job controlling tempo and keeping Strong Bad out of the match (although Strong Bad may not have tried very hard to get into the same ring as the Super Soldier and Emperor Palpatine's attack dog).

Carnage vs. Rorschach (accompanied by Skeletor)
As this card has progressed, it has gotten more and more bizarre and I'm trying to wrap my head around whether I like it or whether I wish things were more linear.

Why is Rorschach aligning himself with Skeletor?  I thought he was all about no compromise- yet here he is aligning himself with not only a villain- but arguably one of the most notorious villains of all time (or at least 1980s cartoons).  Look, I read The Watchmen.  I know about how Rorschach butchered a kidnapper/murderer in the comics.  So how can I watch him possibly join forces with the despot who would do this?  And this?  And that?  And even this?

And then- they even did a seemingly joyous double high five right before the match!?!?!?!  WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE??????

Maybe Skeletor has turned face?  It's hard to read his, um, face (it is a skull, after all), but after the match he seemed to show genuine empathy towards Rorschach as he raised his hand in the air in victory (Oh yeah...the match.  Um, Rorschach won) with the tenderest of care, as Rorschach favored his bruised and battered ribs.  What's even weirder is that Rorschach is Level 4-rivals with Arnold, a member of Skeletor's stable, the Nexus!!!

What could this possibly mean???  Gah- I can't talk about it anymore, it's giving me a headache.

Raw is War...spelled backwards:

Godfather vs The Rock
For the first time this season, I chose not to play as the Rock.  Not because I wanted him to lose- far from it!  It's just that....well, Rock hasn't dropped The People's Elbow since....well, at least since the Wrestlemania that must have preceded the start of my WWE Universe mode.  I need to see if it's just me or if the Rock has some legitimate psychological issues going on regarding that move.

Despite picking up the victory over the Godfather (and building up two Finishers), The Rock did not execute a successful People's Elbow.  He didn't even attempt it.  One match isn't enough to call it a trend, but still- is there a crisis hotline for video game wrestlers?

Niko Bellic vs Ezio (Table match)
Ezio makes his YWL debut.  All I can say is it's about freaking time.  I once almost started a blog about the life and times of Ezio, so to say I'm excited is an understatement.  Ezio is the freaking man.  Plus, this match is between the protagonists from two of my favorite open world games ever- and it involves tables!!!

As expected, Ezio controlled the early part with a brilliant understanding of pacing...and punching.  In a regular match he probably would have won easily.  But it's not a regular match, and as things went on, Niko demonstrated the cool under pressure that you would expect from a guy who casually strolls down the street like this.

Despite putting himself through a table (twice), Niko wound up with the victory when he put Ezio through the announcing table.  Huh.  I didn't realize that would count as a table.  I guess you learn something new every day. 

Delaney vs Layla
Confession- for a split second I was thinking that 'Lola' would be a great theme song for Layla.  Then I realized that I was confusing 'Lola' with 'Layla', which is also a song about a woman...just in a different way.  But wouldn't that be awesome- to have a women's wrestler with 'Lola' as their entrance song?  Talk about your all-time swerves.

And Delaney gets the win via submission. 

CM Punk vs Triple H vs Randy Orton
There's a lot of gold here- CM Punk holds the Intercontinental title, and Triple H's quest for title #3 to complete the Triple Crown has been well documented (by which I mean I wrote a little blurb about it in a much bigger piece and am now shamelessly linking to that piece in order to artificially inflate my post count).

When I was deciding how to break down my rosters and which real wrestlers to include, CM Punk and Triple H were pretty much shoe-ins.  I totally could have gone either way on Randy Orton.  I don't know why- Orton has just never captured my imagination the way others have.  Keep in mind that I grew up with the WWF of the 1980s, and characters like Hulk Hogan, Jake the Snake, Macho Man, Ravishing Rick Rude, and the Million Dollar Man.  So while in-ring ability can certainly grab my attention, there's something to be said about the big personality that I look for- and Orton just don't have it.

So if I don't care for Orton all that much, why include him?  Let's take a systematic look at a list of pros and cons, shall we?

Case for Randy Orton:
-Apex predator thing: Randy Orton is called 'The Apex Predator' and can sometimes be seen impersonating a snake.  Snakes are cool.  Therefore, the logical conclusion is that Randy Orton is confused probably in need of some counseling an actual snake cool.
-Tattoo sleeves: Within the last few years, Randy Orton beefed up his tattoo repertoire by getting some sleeves to augment his collection of tribal tats.  Some people aren't big fans, but I think it looks sort of sweet.  It's like he's wearing an inverse t-shirt all the time.  
-Neat-enough finisher: The RKO comes in at #11 on the Top 50 WWE finishers of all time video that I just watched.  It's not my favorite, but it's sort of cool.  I guess.

Case against Randy Orton:
-Lame song: It should be noted that I haven't watched any actual matches since 2012, so it's possible that Randy Orton changed his entry music.  If not though....ugh.  Bill Simmons gave a pretty good description of what makes entrance music 'pop'- and this song, to me, has zero pop.  There's no real high points...or even super low points.  It just...is.  The lyrics talk about hearing voices in your head, and while I'm no music historian, I'm sure that there are waaaaaay cooler songs that talk about being crazy.
-No real personality: As mentioned, I grew up with 1980s wrestling, where we were all marks and a cool gimmick was way more important than cool wrestling moves.  Times have changed and I've changed- but I'm still way more into guys that have personalities.  CM Punk, Rock, Stone Cold, DX- perfect examples of dudes that have personalities that compliment their in-ring prowess.  I haven't followed a ton of the WWE over the last several years, but I've seen enough of Randy Orton to know that he's less interesting than washing dishes.
-Sort of an ugly dude:  Nothing more that I can say about him than this:

Wait a second...that's not him.

Nope.

Enough about that- my issues with Randy aside, this is a potentially historical match.  I mean, even Chris Jericho bought a ticket for a front row seat.  Clearly then, in order to piggyback on to history, I had to man the controls of one of these wrestlers.  And even clearlier, I had to man the controls- of the Tripster.

When I look back years down the road and write the memoirs of the YWL's early days, I will look back on this match as the "Dont' Call It A Comeback (but actually you can call it a comeback)" match.  Certain wrestlers have a "comeback" ability, and each of these guys is on that list.  Basically a comeback allows to kick some a** after you've spent the previous few minutes getting your own a** kicked.

Between the comebacks and all the post-signature chairs-to-the-face  maneuvers, this match definitely had some dynamic ebb and flow going on.  3H finally won after smashing Orton with the steel steps and pinning him while CM Punk just sort of pranced by in the background.  Following the match, Road Dogg came in for the congrats and I was giddy like a school girl.

I was actually going to put a picture of a giddy school girl here, but I thought you should know that this came up on Google under the search for 'giddy school girl'.  Not even that far down the page, either.

New Age Outlaws vs Brothers of Destruction (#1 contenders for the tag team title)
I imagine that the Undertakers entrance is probably amazing in a live setting.  The lights go down, the bell tolls, the purple smoke goes up- it's gotta be magical.  On WWE 13 though...well, it's sort of tough to sit through because there's not a lot going on.  There's this sort of mildly creepy/mid-tempo song and OH MY GOSH THE UNDERTAKER STILL HASN'T MADE IT TO THE RING YET.  It's starting to get to the point where I seriously consider just skipping the whole thing.

What Undertaker does better than anybody, though, is the in-ring extracurriculars.  The throat slit, the coffin pin, the hat removal, the eyes in the back of his head, the Gene Simmons- I remember him when he first came into the WWE as this other-worldly demigod who was powered by a magical cookie jar or whatever.  20+ years later, and he's still rocking it. 

I'm not sure if it's just because we're getting closer to the PPV, but I feel like the matches are getting more epic, even on the quick setting.  For a #1 contenders match, this was everything you'd want from the possible future tag team champs.

Oh yeah, this sort of happened after the match...Kane started kicking Undertaker as he lay on the ground and then Billy Gunn brought up a couple of chairs and they proceeded to hit the Undertaker with the chairs and OH MY GOSH, HIT GUYS WITH CHAIRS IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!!  What a great accidental promo!  What a crazy swerve!  What an awesome game!

NXT results:
Chris Jericho defeats Shawn Michaels (vis submission)
Triple H defeats Godfather
Arnold defeats Barack Obama (revenge from Monday Nitro match)
Colbert defeated Tebow.  After the match, Scorpion came out to try and cheap shot Tebow (not sure why), but Colbert came to Tebow's defense.
Raphael defeated Rey Mysterio

Rankings:
Are the Sith making their move towards championship relevance?  Vader jumped to #6 from #30 and Maul from #31 to #12.  I'm skeptical though- we'll have to see how they're utilized next week to know if they're really getting a push or not.  Over in Raw, Brothers of Destruction jumped from #4 to #2 in tag team division, although the fall-out from their last match will be interesting.  As of right now, according to the Superstar profiles, Kane is still Undertaker's Level 5 ally.  And in a bit of trivia, Sheriff Rick Grimes is a Level 3 rival.  You know what they say- keep your back-stabbing friends close and your vague enemies sort of far away.