WCW:
Kharma vs Random Bella Twin
I almost didn't put 'vs' in the matchup field. 'Vs' implies that there was some sort of competition, a meeting of two (or more) parties where everybody had at least some chance of victory. That's not what happened here. At all. Kharma won this one with ludicrous decisiveness. Shoot, she could have got more resistance from a blind, crippled child than she did from whatever Bella Twin she engaged with here.
In fairness to proper noun Bella, I wouldn't have wanted to get in the ring with Kharma. Even before this match, Kharma was very highly ranked on the list of Women I'm Afraid Of. It's actually a shorter list than you might suspect. Here's the top five:
1) My wife when she gives me "The Look" (think Blue Steel meets all of the Saw movies)
2) Kharma
3) Lady Gaga sans makeup
4) Any woman that could beat me up
5) This scary lady
AJ Lee and Presumably the Other Bella Twin vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
All of the websites I've visited have said in order to make Universe mode work the best in terms of developing storylines, you have to keep the matches as presented and actually watch them (instead of just simulating). This process has met with mixed reviews thus far. I've gotten some freaking gold at times (Sith vs. Avengers, Michael Jackson vs. Tim Tebow); however, I also got stuck with this.
Nothing against female wrestlers- but when I have a card featuring the Justice League vs the Watchmen, Captain America vs Strong Bad, and a Triple Threat match between Skeletor, Red Hulk, and Iron Man...well, an extremely random tag team match in the Divas division is really not the kind of match I want to see. Actually this is the type of match that no one wants to see. Even the WNBA would change the channel if this came on.
Fortunately I was able to real-wrestle my son during this time, which made the process (slightly) less painful.
Justice League vs Watchmen
With a booking of the gritty, ultra-dark, anti-heroic Watchmen against the champions of the 1950s comic code, it was not surprising in the least that this match devolved into an epic all-over-the-arena backyard brawl. Besides, when Rorschach is the moral compass of your team, things are bound to get a little underhanded. And for one night, at least, the low-blow antics paid off as the Watchmen scored a huge upset against the Justice League, with Dr. Manhattan securing the pin against the Batman.
For a simulated 'quick' match, it was wicked intense. I 100% endorse a future 'No Disqualification' rematch between these two DC dyads.
Captain America vs Strong Bad
OH MY GOSH- Homestarrunner just came up behind Strong Bad during his entrance, slammed his head onto the metal stairs, and threw him into the ring! Strong Bad probably just got a concussion! Holy crap!!!
Alas, it is nowhere near as cool as it could be. And until I can figure out how to simulate the voice of every single wrestler, this will continue to be the status quo. Man, I totally wish I could pull off a mock-Strong Bad/Mean Gene 1980s promo to address the cheap shot and Strong Bad, like, challenges Homestar to a flaming watering can match...or something. Gah! That's be awesome!!!
Skeletor vs Red Hulk vs Iron Man
Obviously, by sheer booking alone this match had "Epic-ocity" written all over it. But when Skeletor and Iron man teamed up on the 'ol "Crouching Behind Someone And Pushing The Person Over The Crouched Person" move to Red Hulk- well that took it so far in the stratosphere that NASA was notified. It reminded me so much of middle school, only instead of some voice-cracking/acne ridden/tent-pitching kid getting pushed over, it's the 7', 1200 pound, highly skilled combatant/master strategist with incredible levels of superhuman physical strength, stamina and durability who becomes hotter as he grows angrier, leaves huge amounts of residual radiation, and is nearly invulnerable to physical damage.
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| Basically the same |
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| I didn't even try to find out what happened after that. |
In other news, I checked and sure enough there is not enough space to do add "...spelled Backwards" to this leagues' name. I am seriously bummed.
Delaney vs Natalya
Delaney the wrestler, who it could be argued came upon her Women's title and 100 rating due to some some good, old-fashioned nepotism, was controlled by Delaney the real kid and won her first match in the YWL. Unfortunately for Natalya (who I had to control to make sure that Delaney won), her third loss in as many matches has likely buried her deeper than the Mariana Trench at this point.
I don't know if this is a sign that I'm playing the game too much (Sara's note: Um, absofreakinglutely you are), but I'm starting to reach the point that I am not sure how much longer I can purposefully keep losing to the kids. I mean, had my signature/finisher combo unlocked and was working on a second almost before Delaney could even get a good shot at me. Eventually I'm just going to have to unleash the Five-knuckle shuffle and deal with the consequences.
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| Consider yourselves warned, kids |
The only thing you need to know about this match is that the Legends won because Bruce Lee made the Undertaker tap out. I will now allow you to utilize the powers of your imagination to fill in the gaps whilst you ruminate on the awesomeness that is Bruce Lee.
Also, it just hit me that I'm giving the names of my tag teams and not necessarily giving you the names of the wrestlers in those tag teams. Oops. My bad. Except it isn't my bad. As the Road Dogg so passionately (and persuasively) argued, in instances where intent or information was not clearly conveyed, the burden of inquisition is on you.
Niko Bellic vs Beavis vs Captain Planet
This match right here, this embodies the heart of what I want the YWL to be all about- a couple of 1990s cartoon characters squaring off against the protagonist of a 2009 video game. It's a reminder that "Hey. It's okay to dream. It's okay to dream crazy. And it's even okayer to write about those crazy dreams on your blog". And I want to dream crazy big. My kindred spirits over at M4gnation, for example, also run a crazy wrestling league with ridiculous rosters. They also have Captain Planet. Except their Captain Planet has also undergone a heel turn and emerged as Captain Pollution. That's what I want YWL to become- this sort of beautiful virtual cesspool of over-the-toppities and other variations of shenaniganisms.
The match itself was somewhat nondescript. That is, until I went into the kitchen to grab some waffle fries and came back to Niko lying in the center of the ring, Beavis stumbling around like a concussed drunk outside of the ring, and Captain Planet climbing over the top rope to exit the ring. Not sure what exactly happened, but I watched with horrified amusement as Niko continued to just lay there for like five minutes while Captain Planet actually entered and exited the ring at least three times to go continue to pound on Beavis. It was borderline demented watching Beavis just become more and more stupefied while Captain Planet ignored numerous opportunities to pin Bellic for the win in exchange for more chances to pummel the Great Cornholio.
Eventually Planet did just throw him into the ring and pin him for the victory...but after witnessing the cold-hearted let-him-have-it-ing that he was dishing out, perhaps a heel turn may be closer than I originally thought.
Road Dogg vs Triple H
I'm just going to say that the D-Generation X song is probably my favorite wrestling based song ever. No, seriously, that's all I'm going to say about it.
For reasons unknown, this was a cage match to determine the #1 contender for the Intercontinental. Understand that at this point, Triple H already holds two of the three available titles- there is no reason for him to be shooting for the Triple Crown. It's selfish. Real life Triple H gets a lot of real life heat for burying up-and-comers- but at least he hasn't tried to hog all of the titles at the same time.
That said, I went ahead and played this game as Triple H. Because the thought of the D-X stable holding all of the titles (did I mention that I'm a member of D-X?) gave me a nerdgasm. However, let me tell you that playing a cage match on the 'quick' setting is pretty much a disaster. The computer will punch you into a corner and then start climbing up the wall immediately. And as a result, Road Dogg won and I lost. I hate this stupid game.
But then Trips gave 'Dogg the losers "Good-game Hand Raise", which may have welcomed the Road Dogg into the DX fold and stole my heart in one fell swoop. Oh, that Triple H. What a wrestling mastermind!
Rey Mysterio vs The Rock
After last weeks embarassing loss to the Godfather, the Rock resumed his place in the wrestling hierarchy by scoring a decisive victory over Rey Mysterio. But his victory here served merely to mask a potentially devestating issue that could rear it's ugly head at some point in the future- Rock's inability to successfully attempt the People's Elbow. (I'm not going to mention how I've controlled him for both of his matches so far). It's still early in the season, but there's enough evidence to suggest that something may be amiss.
NXT results:
Hold on, hold on, HOLD on. NXT, what are you trying to do? Did you just try to pass off Darth Maul vs Darth Vader as a match? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING????? I don't know if there's some greater plan here, but I'm totally changing taking the reigns on this one. Just last week I was dreaming about Avengers vs Sith for the next couple months...now you're trying to make the Sith go all Rockers on us? No. EFF. No.
Venom defeats Darth Vader via submission
(mumble) Bella defeats Beth Phoenix- huge upset.
Tim Tebow and Arnold defeat Red Hulk and Barrack Obama. Governator and Tebow Time had great in-ring chemistry. Might put them on a team called The Conservatives. Or the Republican Party.
Kane
Strong Bad beat Iron Man
End of the week rankings jumps:
Dr. Manhattan, on the strength of his personal pinning of Batman, jumped from #25 to #8 in the WCW World Heavyweight title. Nothing really in the Raw side, probably because there are more established (read: real) wrestlers that the computer GM knows how to properly rank.
Champions are the same as last week. I suppose they likely will be until my first Pay-per-view (PPV), Hit Guys With Chairs, which is just two weeks away! Set your TiVos, folks!
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