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Showing posts with label Wikipedia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wikipedia. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

New Alphabet Part II- The rest

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a brilliant essay on my plans for a new alphabet.  It was new, fresh, and invigorating.  I don't know if anyone actually read it (besides Amanda)...but rest assured, it took the world by storm.  And then I went away, leaving everyone breathless on the edge of their seats.

Now I have returned to finish my work.  Like Anakin brought balance to the Force, I will bring balance to the alphabet.  Even if that means I have to kill some of it and disfigure the rest.

To bring you up to speed, the new alphabet of my creation is so far ABDFGHIKLMN.  The rest of this exercise is elementary, really.  Having taken out the letters 'E' and 'C', no others would dare oppose me.  My logic-flawless.  My execution-deadly precise.  My aim-true.  My grip on reality- slipping.

Today, I'll take O-Z to task.  Which of them will survive to carry on my vision of the English language?  Tune in right now and find out!  Isn't this exciting?  WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO DO MORE THAN READ THIS BLOG!!?!??!?

As with before, I'm taking all letter facts from Wikipedia.  And I'm taking all letter commentary from my brain.

Due to a scandal that was recently brought to my attention (thanks TBS), our thumbs up/thumbs down part will be played by legendary lemon Simon Cowell!

Would it kill you to smile, Simon?  Oh.  Oh, it would.  It actually would kill you.  My bad.  Carry on.
Let's get it started!

O- Inspired by the Egyptian hieroglyph for 'eye', and the fourth most common letter- I'd say this is pretty much a no-brainer.  Don't ask why it's a no-brainer.  When someone says "It's a no-brainer", they're really saying that they don't want you to ask any type of question that will expose their lack of knowledge about the subject.  I will say that elimination of 'O' would be to the 'O' face what prohibition was to alcohol.  And we all know how that turned out.

Simon says: Thumbs up

P- According to my friend Wikipedia, P is a voiceless bilabial plosive.  What the what?

Let's break it down
 
There's a lot of stuff going on there.  On one hand, being voiceless is a pretty useless trait in an alphabet whose sole purpose is to represent audible sounds.  It's like a company having a mime as their spokesperson.  But then it's also a bilabial plosive.  No one really knows what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like 'Explosive', and so I'm afraid that if I try to forcibly remove the letter 'P' from the alphabet, it will blow up and take the alphabetical midsection (not to mention my hands) out along with it.  So we're just going to keep 'P' right where it is and just back away...very slow like....

Simon says: Thumbs up

Q- I've been advised by my lawyer not to talk about 'Q', due to 'Q' being a minority letter...and with affirmative action...and the public relations backlash...but why can't I just say that 'Q' doesn't do anything 'K' and 'W'  couldn't do?  I mean, 'Q' can't even go into a word without taking 'U' with it- how weak is that?  You're can't even start off a word without some vowel holding your hand lik....
Pause ten seconds for station indoctrination

(Ten seconds later) I would like to issue a public apology to (do I have to do this?  ZAP Okay, okay., jeez..) the letter 'Q'.  I can only imagine how hard it is to be a (relatively useless and redunda ZAP ow ow ow ow) misunderstood and underutilized letter.  On behalf of the new alphabet, we welcome you into our tolerant and totally non-confrontational society.  Also, thank you for not suing me.  ZAP Hey- what was that for?

Simon says: Thumbs up

R- 'R' is like 'P' with a second leg.  That means that if 'P' is considered to be secure in the new alphabet, then 'R' would have to be like, twice as secure.  Get it?  Because he has a second leg to stand...oh, never mind.


Simon says: Thumbs up

S- Sometimes a place of employment will fire somebody so that they can promote someone else.  Whether it's because they're a better worker, or younger, or cheaper, or cuter, it's a harsh reality of the economic climate.  Animals do the same thing when they purposefully run faster than their older, sicklier third cousin.  It's called The Circle of Life.

That's what 'S' is to me.  There was excess, and I needed to make some cuts.  'C' was the old, sick letter that got taken down by the wolf pack, so I took it and threw it on the ground.  Naturally, 'S' is going to getting a lot more action.  I didn't promote 'S' because of his work ethic/age/letter capital/big booty.  This is all about fat trimming.  Let's just call it what it is- a marriage of convenience- and move on.

Simon says: Thumbs up

T- Ugh.  'T'.  It's just so boring.  No exciting backstory.  No exotic function.  No air flow.  Just frequent, brutal, boring, efficiency.  Well, and its own steak cut.  Maybe if we dressed it up a little bit.  Gave it a couple of griffins as bookends, put a magic wand on the top, like a Voldemort's wand...made it look like a tree...
Nope.  It's still 'T'.  But now it has boobs.  So there's that.

Simon says: Thumbs up


U/V- Details are sketchy, but I'm pretty sure there was some weird sort of incestuous disambiguation going on in the history of 'U' and 'V'.  I think 'U' used to be 'Y'...or was it 'V'?  I don't know.  This stuff is just weird.  It's like leafing through a yearbook from 'The Hills Have Eyes'.
Class of ARRGGHHRRGHHH rulzez!!!!!!!1!!!!
I don't know what kind of kinky crap you guys used to pull back there, but that all ends now.  'U'- you're done.

(Allows a moment for the shock of brutal truth to wear off) How you ask?  Simple.  I'm going to pair 'Y' with two 'O's, or two 'A's for the soft 'U' sound (just think Boston accent).  No-brainer.  Let's move on quickly.

Plus, without 'U' around to emasculate him, maybe 'Q' will man up and finally start doing something productive.  Otherwise there's going to be a 'Q coup'.  And 'V'- shape up, or I'll enlist 'B' to take your place.  And don't think I won't do it, either.  Because I will.

Simon says: U, thumbs down.  V, thumbs up

W- Definitely proof that some weird crap happened between 'U' and 'V'.  How else do you explain a letter that is named "double U" but looks more like "double V"?  Oh well.  I'm keeping it around.  It's good for office morale.  And by 'good for office morale', I mean 'all the other letters can point and laugh and stare at Freakshow'.

Simon says: Thumbs up

X- Oh jeez, this again?  I thought we were done currying favor with the alpha-proletariat.  How much longer can we expect the upper class letters to keep picking up the slack of the bottom class lose....
Pause ten more seconds for station indoctrination

(Lobotomized, with feeling) welcome to the new alphabet mister x

Simon says: thumbs up

Y- 'Y' is one of the cornerstones of a new alphabet.  Its sleek design and bialphality (it's both a consonant and a vowel) makes it trendy and helps us connect with the yuppies.  Its presence in the out-back of the alphabet makes it popular amongst the rebellious outcasts.  Its position as the Rarest IPA Sound by a Letter of the Latin Alphabet makes it sound like an Oscars category.  'Y' is my ace pitcher, my star quarterback, my leading lady- all rolled into one.

Simon says: Thumbs up

Z- Semitic 'Z' represented a weapon.  And what a bad-ass weapon it is.  It's got those two hook things on top and bottom, which can be used to trip an opponent in melee combat, slice open his intestines, or to scale a wall.  It also has the pointed corners, so you can use it in short quarters to stab your foe, like you were using a dagger.  Again, with the brilliant dual-design, if you miss your stroke in one direction, merely double back in the other for a sure severing.  In addition to melee combat, it also has ranged capabilities- much like a Chinese throwing star. Truly the weapon of a dynasty.

Oh.  Were we talking about 'Z' as a letter?  Eh, sure.  Let it in.  It can protect our backsides.

Simon says: Thumbs up

After analyzing the back half of our alphabet, only one letter came off the board.  Perhaps I was feeling generous today.  Maybe the back half of the alphabet is like an untapped natural resource of sound potential.  It's possible my heart just wasn't really in it.  But whatever the reason, our new alphabet is:
ABDFGHIKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ

ALL HAIL THE NEW ALPHABET!

I'm going to begin a massive Twitter campaign to get the ball rolling.  Because people on Twitter aren't really working with a fully functional alphabet anyways.


PICS- Egg- http://antifraudintl.org/imagehosting/244b29c537e5924.jpg
Simon- http://cbskmvq.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/simon_cowell-thumbs_down.jpg?w=385&h=294
Color bars- http://bagelradio.com/blog/uploaded_images/off+the+air+color+bars-761961.jpg
Letter T- http://www.fromoldbooks.org/DelamotteOrnamentalAlphabets/051-16th-Century-letter-t-q85-468x500.jpg
Sloth- http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/4/128728747597485642.jpg

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Nu-phabet

Before you read this, you should know that I am sitting on a virtual gold mine of thoughts, ideas, and written words.  I have so many things in queue at the moment that I had to buy an appointment book so that my future ponderings could schedule appointments just to be queued. I feel like The Most Interesting Man in the world, except insert 'Hot Airest' for 'Interesting'.
I don't always have anything to say, really, but when I do, I fill it with so much sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek humor that I might as well have not even said it.
I tell you this because a couple of the things in publication purgatory are actually about real life thinkity-things.  Which is what I kinda want my blog to be...at least sometimes, anyways.  A blog about ridiculous Fantasy Football scenarios (and by the way, it only took one half of football for me to kick myself for a misplay, which has to be some sort of record) can only sustain itself for so long...it's like a diet of Twinkies.  It might keep you alive for awhile, but you're going to get fat and ugly.  Or in my case, fatter and uglier.

But before I bring out the celery and peanut butter, I'm going to shove another (metaphorical) Twinkie down your throat.  Mmmmm...that sounds good.  I think I'll grab one for me too (metaphorical, of course).  A delicious (metaphorical) Twinkie passing through my lips always brings a smile to my face and a socially uncomfortable gurgle to my tummy.

A couple years ago, I wrote an almost-critically acclaimed editorial against the letter 'E'.  Since that time, my resolve to end our alphabet's most prominent freeloader has only increased.  Unfortunately, it's been a bitter struggle, and no real progress gets made.

I have consistently been on record as being willing to compromise, but 'E' went on a nasty smear campaign which nearly cost me...well, nothing, really.  It wasn't anything scandalous, it was just really gross.  Like pictures of me picking my nose and stuff.  Anyways, 'E' has consistently proven unwilling to negotiate and uninterested in stepping aside.  'E' wants to cling blindly to its position of "power" and ignore the fact that languages evolve. 

In addition to 'E's misappropriation of power, there are two other things happening that are shaking the once solid foundations of our alphabet.

1) People are staunchly against the idea of getting something for nothing.  Michigan's recent legislation against those who have been poor "too long" is only the latest in a series of actions by conservatives to scale back the government on the backs of the poor, elderly, and otherwise disenfranchised. 

2) Due to the economic climate, there is a movement towards job consolidation.  It's cheaper to have one position that does two tasks than to have two positions that do two tasks.  And get those high priced vets out of there- we want our youth movement!

What does this mean for letters?  Simple.  If you want an example of phoneme freeloading, then look no farther than 'E'.  That letter is the ultimate 'something for nothing'.   Secondly, letters that serve multiple functions are in much higher demand than letters that can't.  And our alphabet is chock full of letters that can do the job of 2 or 3 other letters.

With that said, I am going to present you a letter-by-letter analysis of the alphabet, and submit to you my proposal for a New Alphabet (not to be confused with the New World Order.  Well, maybe a little confused).  Yes.  All this intro for a qualitative analysis of the alphabet.  If singing the ABC's is your idea of empirical alphabetical assessment, then you can stop right here.  But if you are a truth seeker, then by all means, keep going.  Note: All letter facts are taken from Wikipedia.  In the past, I have ridiculed Wikipedia as a legitimate source.  However, we've agreed to bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones, and enter into bed business together.  I love you, Wikipedia!

So I'm going to do the first half of the alphabet here, systematically breaking down each letter (well, more of a well-placed sledgehammer to the weak spot) and giving it the Imperial thumbs up/thumbs down for my New Alphabet. 


Palpatine was unavailable, so the part of Emperor will be played by Johnny Cash
A- Originated as an oxhead.  So that's one pro, right there.  Your leadoff hitter in an alphabet either has to be easily found in a phonebook or able to wreck stores that specialize in glass.  The fact that 'A' has two minuscule forms, while cosmetic, is impressive.  It also boasts an impressive resume' of six (SIX!) vowel sounds, and is the letter that schools decided would represent the achievements of their best students.

Verdict- Thumbs up

B- First it was a floorpan in Egypt.  I don't know what a floorpan is, but if it's anything like a bedpan, then that's just gross.  Not really looking good, 'B'.  It also loses points because the minuscule version is just the tiny 'd' in the mirror.  Seems really fake to me, although if I inherited my shape from a living room bathroom contraption, I'd probably have self-esteem issues too.  That's probably why 'B' also hangs out in words it wasn't really invited to, like lamb, debt, doubt, bomb, etc.  The more I look at 'B', the more it looks like a loser- but unfortunately, the letter 'V' just can't pick up the slack.  If this was a reality show, then 'B' is the guy where it's him and the guy that gets voted out, and the host is like 'B' (dramatic pause) you're in.  What I'm saying is don't buy a house, 'B'.

Verdict-A less than resounding Thumbs up

C- 'C' was definitely the second letter on the chopping block after 'E'.  'C' doesn't really do anything that 'S' and 'K' already do better.  Really, the only problem I see would involve 'ch' (as in church), but I think we could work around it.  The hard 'ch' sound could be replaced by a 'K', whereas a soft 'ch' sound could probably be indicated by a 'tsh'.  The fact that 'C' is a handicapped 'G' is the last straw.  Sorry buddy- the ABC's are about to become the ABDs.

Verdict- Thumbs down

D- Crap, forgot the spoiler alert!  Oh well, it isn't like I could really go without 'D'.  In addition to hanging around to help 'B' feel better about himself, 'D' also originated from a door.  I could think of a better welcome mat than an oxhead or a floorpan, but 'D' is warm and soft enough to pull it off.  It's like a big fat teddy bear.  Look at it.  Don't you just want to go give it a hug?  That's the kind of mojo that our Nu-phabet is going for.

Verdict- Thumbs up

E- The only way I would consider keeping 'E' around is if etymologically it derived from a calling or praying human (looks at Wikipedia).  Damn.  Well, I guess you can stay, 'E'.

JUST KIDDING!  Look, I know what you've done for our language, and it's great.  It really is.  But this here's Americuh.  And in Americuh, we don't take kindly to handouts.  It don't matter if yar in the most words out there if ya ain't doing a cotton-picking tarnation-tooting thing in oneofum.  (I do think 'E' has some uses- especially in a word like 'excess'...or 'especially'.  But I already gave it that option, and it didn't take it.  Time to play hardball, chump)

Verdict- Thumbs down

F- Started out as a club/mace.  Now that's a letter I can get behind!  As long as the person wielding the 'F' is careful not to just flail around with it wildly.  Its minuscule form was involved in the famous 'Long S' controversy back in the 19th century, but 'F' has been working hard since then to repair his image.  And by 'working hard', I mean 'bonking people on the head'.

Verdict- Thumbs up

G- No mystical Egyptian pictosymbol, 'G' here worked his way into the alphabet the hard way.  Paid his dues, toughed it out in the early days as a variant of ‹c› to distinguish voiced /ɡ/ from voiceless /k/, survived a near-emasculation by 'C', and now stands tall as one of the leading consonants.  Indeed, the ability to have both a hard and soft sound is what makes 'G' a rarity in the rough and tumble world of consonanthood.  He's like a guy who brings flowers home to his wife after work, and beats up muggers with those flowers.  Tough guy- yet sensitive.  Definitely a keeper.

Verdict- Thumbs up

H- Fittingly, 'H' comes across his broad shoulders and stout base by being a fence, or a fence posts.  The only letter to legitimately look like a football goal post, 'H' is awfully submissive and passive for a consonant.  But the other letters love him.  'C', 'G', 'P', 'S', 'T'-  they all like to hang out with with 'H' and just see what kinds of crazy shenanigans they can do to words.  That's why I'm keeping 'H' around.  He's not an all-star caliber guy, but he is great for chemistry, and we're going to need that when the other letters find out that not all of their friends are going to be around after I make cuts.

Verdict- Thumbs up

I-If you read my post on the letter 'E' (and really, by this point there is no reason to have not read it.  It's been around for two years, and I just hyperlinked it today), then you know that my whole plan to usurp the letter 'E' hinges on 'I' and her ability to form a long /e/ sound.  So even though we don't like each other, we have mutual respect for each other.  She knows that I need her to make this thing work, but she has also seen me cull this alphabet with the cold and steady hand of progress, and knows that any number of potential lines with the right curves could be the next Top Vowel.

Verdict- Thumbs up

J-Part of being an avatar for change means that sometimes the old has to go.  There are tough choices to be made, cuts doled out, but at the end of the day a species must survive and that means that the vulnerable are most likely to not make it.  It is with a heavy heart that I must part ways with the letter that starts my name- 'J'.  It's such a nice letter, and it's always served me well.  I like the fact that I can give him a hat sometimes, and that in his minuscule form, he dips below the boundary line.  But the truth is that redundant letters are expendable, and 'J' doesn't do anything that soft 'g' and a random 'dzh' couldn't accomplish (or even a 'Y', as in the word Hallelujah).  For what it's worth, I'll probably spell my name Dzhason Diin Parks under the new regime.  Goodbye, 'J'.  Thanks for the memories.

Verdict- Thumbs down

K- The pictogram for 'K' comes from the symbol for an open hand.  And when I think of 'open hand', I think of someone who is just standing around and not doing anything while I'm busy trying to bring in all the groceries in one trip.  Hey you!  Yes, you.  Look alive now and get the door for me!  Fortunately ,with the dismissal of 'C', 'K' will have lots more work to do.  Idle hands do the devils work, after all...

Verdict- For his own good, Thumbs up

L- 'L' originated as a shepherds staff or a cattle prod.  Which automatically qualifies him for membership.  We need a piece of scalding hot metal to keep these other yahoos in line- especially 'K', who has been freeloading in the sneaky sort of way.

Verdict- Thumbs up

M-Sometimes I think the people who made the old alphabet just haphazardly threw letters in some random, meaningless order.  Other times, I think that they were pretty darn smart.  Take 'M', for instance.  'M' is a picture of water.  So we have lazy 'K', the scorching kit that is 'L', and then a bucket o' water in 'M' to toss at 'K' if he cries like a baby when we brand him.  Like a raging sea of goodness, you can string a series of 'M's together to get Mmmmmmm...which is my very favorite vocable in the entire world.

Verdict- Thumbs up

N- I was seriously going to try to split this right down the middle, so there'd be a nice clean break between parts one and two.  Once I realized that would require separating 'M' and 'N', I changed my mind.  To me, 'M' and 'N' have always been inseparable, right down to my inability to say the alphabet without vocally merging them into one long superletter, pronounced 'EmEn'.  It would probably look like this:
Likewise, there is no way I could be so cold and heartless to keep one without the other.  And actually, both letters are on record as saying 'If he goes, I go'.  And I have zero bargaining position.  So it's kind of hard for me to feel happy about this.

Verdict- Thumbs up

So here's what we're left with for our New Alphabet after 14 letters went through inspection.
ABDFGHIKLMN

Pretty solid list.  What about your ideas?  Think I was too harsh on some, too lenient on others?  I'm not going to change my mind, but I could be persuaded to show a little mercy.  Perhaps...

Tune in again sometime for the conclusion of my occupational ideas!


Pics: Most interesting man- http://images.media.nscdn.com/index.php?src=http://fiveforces.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/most_interesting_man.jpg&size=400x1000 

Phoenix- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9TnrK7WnhHoj1DLoZYUS_O8v75znUrdwHxS9BwYUPhhicFcgtz-UqClVB03QX7gkRkfohNAq7R1xdM6mc1aQKaYve1Z21jpBoxBK5XpCQHvYv4Yngy0NOCHxVLJdbolJDK9jC7Rk0qd4/s1600/gladiator-thumbs-down.jpg

Buses- http://365barrington.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Post-Row-of-Buses.jpg

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Separation of church and life

Note: This blog was birthed from a conversation we had with some friends on New Year's Eve. Alcohol was not involved- but the Wii and pizza rolls were, so I cannot be held responsible for the ideas therein. Blame Tortinos and Nintendo.

One of the core tenants of Christianity is our oneness with Christ. Galatians 3:26-28 says "So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile...slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (NIV). And in John 17:20-21 (also NIV), Jesus is recorded as saying "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me".

I have been chewing on this concept in bits and pieces over the past couple months. Now, I don't really think I'm inventing the wheel here- but like any good blogger with thoughts on his mind and a keypad at his fingertips, I'm gonna put it out there and act like it's the greatest thing since canned bread.

As I mentioned, we had some friends over on New Years eve. We kind of started talking about the development of a sort of independence in our spiritual lives- how we were coming to a point where the church was an asset in this, as opposed to an end-all-be-all. While conversing, I was reminded of something that a wise man once told me in regards to prayer- I hadn't been (in my mind) diligent about praying for something. He asked me if I had thought about it, and I replied that I had. He told me that I had prayed about it. It wasn't until our convo on New Years, though, that the implication of that idea really hit me. If I am in Christ, my very thoughts are prayers. (Or at least, can be. I really hope a lot of the drivel that goes on in my mind doesn't make it past the gatekeeper).

Obviously this isn't something new under the sun- in fact, this very idea has been spoken in probably every church that I've been to. But the real, practical life application has been taken a little while to sink in.

So during this renaissance of thought in regard to the role of the church in our lives, I have been processing the role of capitalism within our society, particularly in regards to the church and its role in our lives. How the attitudes and practices that are ingrained in us through our economic system can subtly infiltrate other areas of our lives. It's a lot of scattered thoughts, ideas, and musings. Really at this point, my goal for this blog is to reach the end with a fairly cohesive and somewhat coherent post. Anything above that is gravy, really.

Let's start by defining what the church is. Nowadays, we associate the word church primarily with the place we go on Sundays. The early church was a horse of a different color.

Acts 2:42-47
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer....All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts...

This is the biblical "early church". Back then, the church was not just a building, or a social institution, or an organization. It was a group of people that were not only totally devoted to a cause- they were totally devoted to each other. Simply put, the church was the people- and the people were a family.

Fast forward to today, and the church looks...different. I mean, yeah, a lot of things look very different- technological advances and improvements in hygiene can do that for you. But the structure of the church looks really different. It is not so much a collection of people whose lives are interwoven- it's more like a patchwork quilt.

How does capitalism come into this picture? Patience, my young Padawans.

For those that aren't 100% sure what capitalism is, I will tell you. According to The Truth, capitalism is "an economic system in which the means of production are privately owned and operated for a private profit; decisions regarding supply, demand, price, distribution, and investments are made by private actors in the free market; profit is distributed to owners who invest in businesses, and wages are paid to workers employed by businesses and companies" (I took the whole thing from the page I hyperlinked...but in case you don't click it, it's from Wikipedia).

So there are some key concepts that I want to tie into some areas where I feel that we have deviated from the early church.

1) Wages are paid to workers employed by businesses and companies
In a capitalist society, the primary way in which most of us acquire resources to live is through the trade of our time for currency. Laymen's terms- time=money. Aside from rendering most of us unable to survive apart from our socially created occupations (including yours truly), it ingrains in us the idea that in order to get something, we have to give it- a principle of fair exchange.

It is in this environment (or market) that a church is forced to compete- people live in a world where they have to gauge the cost-efficiency of whatever purchase or activity they wish to participate in. So in that manner, a church has to format itself to this mindset. They are competing against other weekend activities.

Now different churches will combat this in different ways- some may have modern music, some may really cool technology, amongst other things. But most churches will definitely have their service packed into a finite period of time, and set up some sort of schedule to ensure that finite period of time is adhered to. A service is broken up into various activities- worship, prayer, offering, sermon- many will have additions of some sort, but the general look is the same. The goal is to pack as much spirituality into that time period as possible to reach the most people. I would posit that like businesses, most churches are not really worried about the outliers- the 'Christmas/Easter' crowd or the Fired Up bunch- it's the middle section, the people on the fringe so to speak, that make or break it. So the church has to make sure that for these people, the bang is proportionately bigger than the buck.

I'm not trying to say that all churches intentionally try and do this, and I'm not saying that these activities do not have spiritual significance. But look at the early church. Those people were there because they wanted to be there. They loved God, they loved their cohort- to the point where they sold everything they had! Nowadays, we come together on Sunday mornings (and maybe a couple times during the week), and maybe talk to some people sometimes. But for the most part, we aren't being the church- we're doing church. We are living separate lives that sometimes intersect, but aren't really bound together by anything of substance.

2) Means of production are privately owned and operated for a private profit
To control the means of production is to control power. If I am able to dictate the terms of the production of some item- I have power over that item. I can decide who gets it, how much they get, and how much they are going to give me for it. Obviously in economics, the laws of supply and demand will temper that power to a degree- it doesn't matter how much power over an item that I have if no one actually wants it. But what about the church?

Now this will probably be a touchy subject, and I will attempt to navigate it with the same degree of care that Anakin Skywalker did when he was in the pod race. Actually, probably more care than that. Since he almost killed himself.

Because of the spiritual nature of church, and the enormous implications of spirituality in the lives of many people, the church is given a significant amount of power right from the onset. While many people can obtain or be given power for different reasons, there is one person who is granted a degree of power and respect simply for the title that he has- the pastor.

Now, I have been very blessed to know some great pastors- men that love God and are very approachable human beings. I don't think ill of any of them, and they've all played a huge role in my development as a young man and as a Christian. I don't believe that any of them tried to abuse their position.

However, the power of their platform is that we allow them to speak on God's behalf. And that is an immense amount of power for someone to have. Like I said, I don't know any of my pastors that have willingly abused this power. I'm 100% confident that they believe they were specifically called by God to do this ministry. And I don't disagree with them or disbelieve them- I'm just throwing out thoughts here.

It is an interesting offshoot of the modern church set-up- fallible human beings, just like me, responsible for leading the spiritual lives and growth of numbers of other fallible human beings. I know there are many biblical-based spiritual gifts that tie into the pastoral position as we know it. And I know that even the early church was still involved with the local religious establishment. I just think that the church now is set up to be more of a spoon-feeding institution as opposed to an empowering one.

What I mean is that the church now is not an open forum. There is no real place for discussion. This is a setting where one person comes to preach and the rest come to listen. Can you see how that might be a little problematic? This is not an environment that fosters deep thinking and open questioning. This is an environment that says "I am the Pastor. I hear from God. Therefore, the words that I give to you are words from God". And if you have paid any attention at all to events in, say, the Middle East- you know that one of the quickest way to a volatile situation is to question or doubt another person's "God card".

Pastors aren't the only ones that are granted a portion of power. The worship leader (side tangent- why does worship almost always involve music in churches today? Are there no other ways to worship?) also wields power- music is a huge emotional conduit, and the right songs or musical mood can make all the difference in a person's worship experience. Hey, I love worship music- as a drummer, I find it to be an amazing outlet to express my worship and praise. And I really enjoy the magic of being able to share that experience with other musicians.

But I do struggle at times with the knowledge that because of the power of the medium (music)- that realistically, I can help manipulate the mood by which drums or cymbals I use, or the dynamics of build-ups. As musicians, we have a type of power, and we have to be very careful of how we use that power.

Of course, there is political power as well. All you need is a couple Bible verses- in or out of context- and a cause, and you have a pretty well united block of voters. And you know what? I was there. That was me, sitting in the pews, listening to messages and sermons and such, allowing my world view to be shaped by what others were saying. I used to vote for candidates strictly by what their policy was on abortion. In 2004, I voted for George W. Bush because he opposed gay marriage. Seriously- that was the issue for me. And I've heard many other preachers and speakers tell congregations what God considers to be the most important issues in the political climate. That's serious power.

I don't want to say that the early church was perfect- but it's pretty obvious to me that power wasn't really an issue. Yes, there were apostles, and they devoted themselves to their teaching- but it seems to me that they processed it together, as a unified social group, as opposed to just sitting there and soaking these words in as a collection of individuals.

3) Profit is distributed to owners who invest in businesses
Ah yes- the "haves" versus the "have nots". An age old struggle in humanity, and unfortunately one that rears its ugly head in churches today. Because of the spiritual nature of the power at play, cliques can arise with devastating consequences.

How do you get to be a "have" in the church? How do you get to be in the clique? You invest in the business- that is, you are ultra-involved. Go to all the services. Do the activities. Listen to the messages and say the amens at the right times. Interact with the right people. Say the right things. Put your best spiritual foot forward at all times.

Of course...if you're a "have-not", and you have an understanding of what the church is supposed to be like, and you're not really feeling it- where do you turn? Because Christianity is so dependent on the subjective religious experiences of its adherents in the broader scope of a supposedly objective framework, it can be very frustrating when your beliefs or ideas do not fit in with those accepted by those on the inside.

Again, I can't say that the early church would solve all the problems and make everyone feel like a hero. But look at the description- these people sold all they had, gave to everyone who had need. They hung out every day. Every. Day. They broke bread together. This doesn't strike me as the type of people that would take a laissez faire approach to those that felt like they were falling out of the group.




So what do these thoughts all mean? Am I saying that we should tear down the church buildings and sell our homes and go live with other people that sold their homes? Yes. I mean no. I mean....I don't know what I mean.

I am not talking about dismantling organized religion- I believe that churches have uses, particularly in the organization of humanitarian efforts and things like that. Because of the leadership hierarchy and organization structure of a church, they can move much faster in organizing aid to Haiti, for example, than can a loose group of people. And I do think that todays church can serve as an excellent supplement to the body of Christ as a whole.

Besides, the early church still met at the temple every day, and were immersed in the teaching of the apostles. I do believe that there is a need to have organized teaching of the Bible- it's a pretty big book, after all.

But I think it's very important that we look at the role of the church in our lives- are the people more important- or the institution? I'm not even just talking about the physical building- I mean, churches themselves will tell you that it's not about the location- but unfortunately, I feel that the church today falls short of teaching us the appropriate alternative.

Here's where I bring back that whole concept of being one with Christ. You remember, don't you? All the way up at the top of the page. The....first paragraph? The one that led off this whole shebang and then promptly fell off the radar? Yeah. Yeah! That's the one!

Because of our position as being one with Christ, we don't have to go somewhere to do this spiritual thing- it's wherever we are. We take it with us at all times. When the Bible says that they will know we are Christians by our love, I don't think it was talking about anything the American church is. I believe that it's talking about the acts of love that the early church showed to each other.

Human beings are social creatures, and people just want to belong- there is security when we are in a group, knowing that there is someone out there who has our back. The early church sold their own belongings for the benefit of others. They were intricately involved in each others lives- a cycle of self-perpetuating unity.

So how do we integrate that into our very busy 21st century lives? I think a good place to start is by putting away pretenses and just letting people get involved in the nitty gritty details of us. We are all people that have blemishes and imperfections- but we try to move forward in our spiritual growth by putting our best foot forward. There is no time to be broken. The show must go on. We can't rely on our churches to take us into this realm of unity- we have to take a step of faith and initiate the effort.

A practical way that we have walked this out is to have people over when your house is messy. This was a big step for Sara and I- we used to work very hard when we knew we were having people over to get the house as clean as we possibly could. But that's not being real with people- that's us, controlling the situation, wearing our happy face, and allowing others to see the side of us that we want to have seen.

But come on- how often do we actually keep our house clean and spotless- especially with toddlers? Not very often. And so gradually we started to relax on this. Now, we do try to make sure there is a semblance of order, and I do feel a little self-conscious about clutter when we have visitors. You know what though? This is us- this is our life- and if you want to be a part of it (which we would like you to, since we're having you over) then you have to be able and willing to look past our faults and flaws and to see us for the human beings that we are, and the greatness we are trying to achieve.

This is where I think the church fails to teach us how to be the church- because to be the church, you have to be a human being. You have to be able to love, unconditionally, as Christ loves. And right now, I don't believe that we taught that- not in its fullness, anyways. It wasn't until I entered into the social work program that I feel I learned how to be a human being. I learned how to separate the parts of a person that would reduce them to a label or category and appreciate them for the human being that they are.

How do we "be" humans? Short of entering into the Social Work program at NMU...I can't tell you a checklist. Here's something you can do, though. Find someone that represents a demographic that you hold predjudice against. Maybe it's skin color, or political/religious affiliation, or sexual orientation. Whatever the label, find someone with that label, and try to get to know them. Not to win their souls, or to bring them into the fold- but just get to know them. Humble yourself. Listen to them. Learn what it is to be them. What makes them who they are. Let them set the agenda. We are one in Christ, right? So we shouldn't have to worry about what to say or what to do or what to condemn. If we are cultivating our relationships (both with God and other people) then we can just 'be', and out of our being will come the fruit of love and sacrifice that came with the early church package.

I now sit and await my pending excommunication. Or becoming a saint. Whichever comes first.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Clone War

First of all, I have to have to HAVE TO start this post off by saying that I am not responsible for the sudden surge in Star Wars character related pages on Facebook. I am definitely not responsible for the second Dann Vayder page, but unfortunately that has become the assumption. That is what this post is all about. You might think I'm a spin doctor, or maybe just trying to damage control. I prefer to think of it as a public service announcement.

Think of my first post was kind of like the prequel Star Wars trilogy that came out earlier this decade- it was definitely flashier, it had better special effects, but it is not nearly as cool or as nostalgic as the original and definitely left holes in the continuity of the story. Now I'm going to tell you the real story.

Here's what happened. Monday started out as a normal day. Well, sort of. I got up at 5 and went running with a friend. After this happened, and a trip to Babycakes, I went over to watch my grandmother-in-law. I checked my Facebook. WTFbomb? New Dann Vayder? Same spelling, same name on photo album- I didn't think much of it that he requested to be my friend...and my Dann Vayder's friend. So I accepted the requests. I wanted to see what it was all about.

I start checking out his profile. This impostor was claiming to be the true Dann Vayder! He is requesting all my friends, he has the same photo album name, spelled exactly the same- who does this guy think he is? Doesn't he know that I was already pretending to be the one and only Dann Vayder?

The more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Now, you might think that this is stupid- if you didn't think the idea of a Dann Vayder Facebook page was stupid in the first place, you are probably finding it stupid that a 30-year old man is getting upset about this. But if you can just appreciate the passion that I have for my adaptation of somebody else's creation- that is a good thing, right?

Besides, the other Dann was making verbal assaults on me! He threatened to kill me! Well, in a manner of speaking. At first I tried to play it off as a doppelganger, but I couldn't leave it there when he continually called me out. Not only that, but it was like he was abusing my creation- I made Dann Vayder to be an object of silliness. The thought of Darth Vader being a normal person, working his job like a 9-5 and then coming home and having other interests- that was funny to me. The new Dann Vayder was all like, pissed at everyone and everything. I felt like the kingdom that I had worked so hard to build was being torn down in ignorance.

So I enlisted the help of my friend Batt Moyd (name changed as best I could), who became bounty hunter Jango Fett. Together we labored most of Monday trying to fight an epic battle with this impostor Dann Vayder. Unbeknownst to me, another friend decided to don the alias of Fredd Palpytine. I cannot tell you the rollercoaster of emotions that I went through on Monday! I spent most of the day upset because someone tried to steal my stolen shtick. Then I came home and spent most of the evening laughing my ass off because other people jumped on the bandwagon with me- unless you are a nerd, you really have no idea how exhilarating it is to have two friends maintain Star Wars character Facebook pages to suppliment yours. I wouldn't put it on par with Fatherhood...but it's closer than you'd think.

Monday night, around 11:00 p.m., Batt and I took a road trip to Wal-mart because Batt had a brilliant idea. See, around that time, we had done enough detective work to narrow down the suspects to a select one- our neighbor Man DcGlone (again, I am really running out of fake names). Batt thought it would be funny to buy a bunch of Jango Fett figures, then tell Man that I was going to send Jango after him and leave Jango Fett action figures on his porch. Some people might call that stalking. I prefer to think of it as 'communication'.

So we went to Wal-mart, and of course, they had no Jango Fett action figures at all. The closest thing we came across was a four pack of Star Wars bounty hunters- Boba Fett and three guys that I've never heard of and am pretty sure were made up just to be able to have a four pack of bounty hunters. So we bought that, and put the Boba Fett on his porch. Jango Fett told Dann Vayder that he was going to send his son after him. Our Facebook battle ended after midnight.

The next day was completely agonizing, because there was no word at all from the other Dann Vayder. None. Zero. Zilch. Can you imagine how frustrated I was? I mean, I spent most of my Monday stewing about this fraud, and waging war against his insolence, and then on Tuesday, he doesn't even show up? Arrrgghhh!

In addition, Tuesday was frustrating because we tried to create a Wikipedia page for Dann Vayder. We were going to use this as proof to the fake Dann Vayder that I was the true Dann Vayder, and that he needed to step down immediately and submit himself to the will of the Force. But alas, the Wikipedia page was soon deleted; apparently, Dann Vayder did not register as a 'notable person'. You know what? Nobody uses Wikipedia anyways, so there.

And now it's Thursday...Dann Vayder has resurfaced, but less loudly than before. What is he thinking? What is his plan? I fear we may never know. Sadly, this situation could have been prevented had the other Dann Vayder not been such a meany face. I mean, how many other variations of Vader are there? He could have been the actual Darth Vader...

He could have been Chad Vader, supermarket day-shift manager....

Shoot, he could even have been Dark Helmet....

All I know is that this war has the potential to ravage galaxies, destroy families, and change the face of Facebook as we know it. Remember this day, historians. For there will come a time when you look back at this blog post as a marker for the day that your entire world was turned upside down- the day that Dann Vayder waged war against himself.

Pics:
Darth Vader- http://dosan.skku.ac.kr/~sjkim/icons/Hobby/Figure/DarthVader(Medicom)_03.jpg
Chad Vader- http://www.cinemovida.net/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/chad_vader.7294805_std.jpg
Dark Helmet- http://msp108.photobucket.com/albums/n8/jmgooser33/Dark_Helmet.jpg