Just how B.A. is Jack Bauer?

While between discs of Dexter: Season 3, my wife and I have taken to watching shows on Netflix Instant.

Netflix Instant is like "the guy" in prison. You know "the guy"? You want something, you ask "the guy", and "the guy" gets you what you want. It's amazing. I suppose there are some potential ramifications to think about...like when I'm in my 70's thinking back to why I spent so much time watching shows on the television. But then I'll remember Liam Neeson in Taken, and how he showed me the best way to show your daughter how much you love her is to let her get kidnapped while she's in a foreign country and then go over there and seriously kick ass. And then I'll forget where I am.

Anyways, the show that we have taken up curretnly is 24. I've watched bits and pieces of the first few seasons- but never a whole season. Until now- thanks to the miracle of instantaneous C-note, we have access to a whole new world of television seasons, movies, and more Barney than you could shake a stick at. And so here we are- just me, Sara, and Jack Bauer.

At this point in 24 legend, Jack Bauer might as well be the Lord's avenging angel. Jack Bauer is the standard by which all bad asses are measured against. He's so cool that the most bad ass cards in the game of Euchre are named after him.

But that's not how the first season starts. In fact, I had to double check- is this the Jack Bauer of mythology? Or is this his evil twin Slack Bauer?

We first find our hero playing Suzie Homemaker. Then we find out that he's a snitch. Later, he looks squeamish as he's about to cut off a dead man's thumb (granted, he's about to cut off that dead man's thumb to score a fingerprint...but still- squeamish). So why do we revere this man so much?

Well, I'm not one to waste an opportunity to engage in some qualitative research- after all, I am a college graduate! So I'm going to take advantage of my observation skills, critical thinking, and the luxury afforded to me by my good friends at Netflix to systematically go through, episode by episode, and objectively determine why Jack Bauer is the Bad Ass of bad asses.

Having a rather extensive background in behavioral observation and description, I'm going to go through and look at what he does. I mean, obviously we can look at the Jack Bauer face, and listen to the Jack Bauer voice...and those are very B.A. traits, for sure. But from between the hours of 12 and 2 am (first two episodes of season 1) that face might as well have been a big purple dinosaur face.

So what has Jack Bauer done? Over the next indefinite period of time (because if there is one thing that I've realized about myself, it's that I suck at things you like to call "deadlines" or "due dates"), I will be bringing you an episode-by-episode list of the B.A. deeds committed by Jack Bauer. We can then determine scientifically at which point Jack Bauer goes from poser to legit.

So far in the first couple episodes, I have determined that Jack has engaged in four acts of bad ass-ness.

In episode 1, Jack spends a large part of time looking more like Jack Black than Jack Bauer. However, he does manage to use a tranq gun to knock out some dude- then he blackmailed him. That's pretty B.A.- even if he pretty much went right into pathetic, helpless-guy mode for the rest of the episode.

Episode 2 sees the B.A.ometer start to rise like mercury on a hot day. He cuts off someone's thumb because he needs to identify the man (the guy is dead, and Jack seems squeamish...but still...he cuts his thumb off). That's pretty B.A., right? However, after one of his fellow good-guy agents is killed, he gets pissed and runs a red light. He doesn't just run a red light- he gives a blatant middle finger to the whole stop light system. I mean, we're talking accelerating through it while not even bothering to check his peripherals!

And then, as if that wasn't B.A. enough, Jack proceeds to break the speed limit while driving down the freeway! At least, I assume he is breaking the speed limit because he's driving way faster than everyone else. See, that's the thing about Jack Bauer at this point. I imagine that in later shows, you'll just assume that Jack is blowing red lights and speeding at all times because of how B.A. he is. Right now though? He hasn't quite earned that level of respect yet. At this point, it's possible that a bunch of old people are out for leisurely cruises in the wee-hours of the morning.

All in all, I'm looking forward to seeing the evolution of Jack Bauer: Mr. Mom into Jack Bauer: Mr. Ass. Until next time, via con Dios and stay thirsty my friends!