I know, I know- there is still a week left of the season, 3 weeks of post season. But as I have already bared my soul for all to see, the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries are done. The only thing we have left to play for is pride...and screw that, I say. We've been playing for pride. Now the only thing left to play for is to not have the #1 overall pick because in a serpentine draft system, the top pick is almost more of a curse than a blessing, because then you have to basically wait 2 whole rounds before you can pick again. Plus, who wants to tell their friends that they were the worst fantasy football player in their league last year. Actually, who talks about fantasy football to their friends?
Where did it all go wrong? Some might say injuries- and while there is some truth to that, the other truth is that there are always great waiver-wire finds throughout the season. Kyle Orton, Peyton Hillis, and Michael Vick are just a few of the names that ended up being available via waiver wire. This is one of the components of being a champion- you have to know when a free-floating football player is getting ready to explode, while knowing which player on your roster is ready to be cut loose. It's a dog-eat-dog food world out there.
Was I able to find any of them- or anyone worth while? Only this exclusive inside-my-mind feature will be able to answer that question. The inside-my-mind commentary will be in italics. In case you couldn't figure that out.
Sept. 4- Dropped Donnie Avery- Possibly a prophetic draft pick, because I found out after I drafted him that he was out for the year. Maybe next season I should at least do a little bit of prep work...
Sept. 6- Added Sam Bradford- Sam actually will be starting his first game for the Snow Flurries in Week 13- but he has looked very good on my bench this season, and is definitely in line for keeper status- after all, this guy has the look of a future superstar all over him, and a great keeper can go a long way in keeping an injury-filled season afloat (see- Manning, Peyton; Johnson, Chris;Brady, Tom, etc.).
Sept. 15- Dropped Ryan Grant, added Patriots defense-Once I realized that the longer I kept Grant around, the more likely it was that his teammates would realize that he was, in fact, alive, I had to drop him like a bad habit. I don't really have anything to say about the Patriots D.
Sept. 23- Traded Patriots D, Dustin Keller, T.J. Houshmanzadeh to dad for Anquan Boldin, Heath Miller, and Tim Hightower- Ah yes. The Patriots D. I was able to throw them in this trade for what ended up being Anquan Boldin. Unfortunately, Boldin was mentally unable to rebound from the time when I benched him and he scored 33 points, and wound up in a late-season free fall. This trade ended up basically doing nothing for anyone.
Sept. 29- Dropped Mohammed Massaquoi, added Jabar Gaffney- Another inconsequential move, other than to give me a guy that I would occasionally look at on the bench and wonder 'Why didn't I play that guy?'.
Oct.2- Dropped Miller, added Aaron Hernandez- Hernandez will always be synonymous in my mind with 'what might have been'. Do you know how frustrating it is to always read the football 'experts' talk about what a match-up nightmare that Hernandez is- and to so infrequently see that show up in his statistics? Does it matter to me that his abilities make things easier for the New England offense? This isn't fantasy compassion damnit, it's fantasy football!
Oct. 13- Added Tony Scheffler and Mike Hart, dropped Hightower- The Tim Hightower Experiment wasn't one of my finer moments. See ya! Hart- well, I was just hoping Hart could recapture some of the magic that made him one of the best high school running backs of all time. Or at least not suck very much. Scheffler was another one of my failed experiments to replace Jermichael Finley.
Oct. 16- Dropped Lawrence Tynes, added Sebastion Janikowski- Tynes was not 100% sure thing to kick for the Giants that week, so I figured 'what the hey' and picked up the Raiders K. What was initially meant to be a one week trial for Janikowski ended up in a full-ride scholarship. Hey, if colleges can pay their players under the table, surely a Fantasy Football team can offer to pay for a guy's education.
Oct. 20- Dropped Hart, added Chris Ivory- Going off of memory here- I believe that the only reason that Hart was even playing was that the guys ahead of him were hurt...and then he got hurt. And the guys ahead of him were getting better. Or something like that, who knows. Only, nostalgia is no reason to keep someone around in Fantasy Football. So sayonara Mike Hart. As for Chris Ivory? Injuries waylaid him too...just long enough for me to drop him, someone else to pick him up, and for him to score 15 points in back-to-back weeks late in the season, which of course for me would have been amazing.
Oct. 27- Dropped Ravens D, added Cardinals D and Ryan Fitzpatrick- I remember, very clearly, in the draft room when I drafted the Ravens D, and everyone was like, 'good pick Parksy'...and only 2 months later, I can't get rid of them fast enough. What happened, Ray Lewis? Are you trying to tell me that it's more important for you to win real games by playing sound defense than it is for you to score me lots of fantasy points by gambling and possibly get out of position? What kind of sick, sick bastard are you? Well, just to spite you, I not only dropped you from my roster, but I picked up the very Harvard-educated QB that carved you up like a cooked bird- the immortal Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Oct. 30- Dropped Jermichael Finley, Michael Crabtree and Sam Bradford, added Josh Freeman and Mike Williams- I am not usually prone to making careless or impulsive decisions...oh wait. Yes I am. However, this case isn't all careless or 100% impulsive. Freeman ended up starting some games for me, as did Williams. And besides- I picked up Crabtree and Bradford later on in the season. Obviously they were still available not because they were not very good- but out of blind loyalty to my managerial awesomeness they rebuffed all other offers and just waited around for me to call them back.
Nov. 2- Traded Chad Henne and Ryan Fitzpatrick for Jay Cutler and Jon Kitna- This trade actually worked out well for me. No, really, it did. After Tony Romo got hurt, there was a virtual QB carousel that never seemed to stop. By trading Henne and Doogie Howser, I was able to narrow it down to Josh Freeman. And if Kutler ever decided to snap out of his funk? Then I got a top tier fantasy QB for pennies on the dollar.
Nov. 3- Dropped Ivory, Kitna, and Scheffler, added Marcel Reese, Todd Heap, and Bradford, (Sam- welcome back- we missed ya! What's that? No no no no- that's not Jay Cutler chilling on the bench. Why would I pick up another QB- you're my #2 guy!) Also, at this point my search for running backs has all of the glamor of spring break college students and one night stands. I decided that I'm done with that. From now on, I'm going to be a faithful 2 running back guy (Turner and McFadden)...and, just to be safe, I'll get their back-ups too (Snelling and Reese). I suppose this is akin to marrying a woman, and then taking her sister to be your concubine. Unfortunately, I screwed up my waiver priorities,not thinking about the fact that no one would be going after Reese. And so it is that I messed up a chance to pick up Dallas Clark 2.0 (Jacob Tamme) at TE.
Nov. 10- Dropped Reese, added Josh Scobee- With my kicker on a bye week, I figured I'd add a kicker to help fill in for those missing points. And Reese was on a bye week too, so I was 100% confident if I ever wanted to add him to my roster again, I'd know right where to find him.
Nov. 13- Added Jacoby Ford- Anytime you have a young player with a name that can be legitimately pronounced more than seven different ways- well, you have to give that guy a chance, right?
Nov. 16- Dropped Josh Scobee- Well, I would have lost by more than 2 if I didn't have him, so thanks Josh. Oh, and thanks for missing 2 field goals and costing me the game, you twit (interesting bit of trivia...Josh Scobee was my first ever fantasy football kicker).
Nov. 17- Dropped Ford, added Crabtree- Sorry Jacoby. I'm sorry.
Nov. 23- Traded Mike Williams and Josh Freeman for Big Ben, John Kuhn- Well, after last season's controversy and chaos, it was nice to report that I was the perpetrator of this years first big conspiracy theory. Never mind the fact that this desperation move to get into the playoffs was contingent on A) Me winning both of my last two games, B) Team Doomsday losing both of his last two games, and C) Big Ben racking up huge amounts of fantasy points. Of course, most of those things didn't happen. Which is why I'll be watching the playoffs at home. On my TV. Hey, maybe I can invite the Detroit Lions over!
Nov. 23- Dropped John Kuhn- Dear John- I regret to inform you that you have been waived from the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries. It's nothing personal- in fact, it's not you...it's me. You're a great guy, a hard working player, and you've even scored some. It's just that...well, the last two Packers I had ended up on Injured Reserve, and I have commitment issues.
Nov. 23- Traded Darren McFadden for Steve Johnson and Reggie Bush- This same trade was initially proposed to me with Javhid Best included. I turned it down, and counter-proposed the 2-for-1 trade. Oh, Javhid Best. I proposed a hail-mary trade for him after he torched the Eagles in Week 2, and was quickly turned down. Who would have thought that later in the season, Best would not only be a trade throw-in, but that he would get trade thrown-out?
As far as the trade itself goes- it was really just a strategical risk for me. McFadden has been a stud this year- but he's started to slow down as of late. Johnson, meanwhile, carries the p-word that all WRs carry. No, not that one. Potential. Maybe this is all in my head, but RBs seem to be more stable in their points- fluctuating usually on their TDs week to week. WRs? Sometimes they might get you 5 or 6, but one week they might get you a couple TDs, and a couple hundred yards and have like 20-30 points. Did it work? You'll have to tune in for my 2nd half synopsis to find out!
Nov. 24- Added Browns D- At this point in the season, anytime you can find a defense on the waiver wire that is playing a historically bad offense, you have to take a chance.
Nov. 30- Dropped Steve Smith, Cardinals D, Browns D, and Hernandez, added Rob Gronkowski- In what historians will likely call The Day That the Snow Flurries Waved The White Flag, I decided to waive the injured Smith (a solid possession receiver who would be a valuable playoff asset...if I was going to make the playoffs), my reserve defenses, and a rookie TE who could have been my amazing waiver wire pick-up. Unfortunately, Bill Belichik decided that I should have picked up the TE that his team drafted higher, and decided to mess with my mind by making Hernandez an integral part of the game plan just long enough to hook me in, and then BAM- he pulls him from relevance with the mere wave of his hand. Sheer cruelty. from the hand of the master. You win Belichik. This time.
Well, that's all the time we have for that. I hope you enjoyed it- or at the very least, you still want to be my friend. Like I said, tune in next time. For stuff.
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