You might be asking yourself what I could possibly be going to the well for in order to achieve all of this. Well ask not, friends, as clearly I'm going to be reviewing my 2011 Fantasy Football draft.
As you remember from when I used to write about Fantasy Football back in 2011, this past season was the absolute pinnacle of my young career. I won the league's regular season so easily that I had to manufacture drama behind the scenes to keep my guys interested (I still haven't had the heart to tell Mike Williams that Sabastian Janikowski is not a cannibal that will eat him if he continues to suck).
In many ways, I feel like a first time father, only this is actually your third child but you're so disappointed in the first two that you just pretend that they don't exist. I'm proud of this season- I drafted pretty well. I played the waiver-wire like a pro. I (mostly) avoided injuries. Of course, I didn't completely avoid injuries, which is why I'm not coming to you today as the People's champ.
I don't need something insignificant like championship recognition to validate my success this year. This season was sweet, sweet retribution for the pain and bitter defeat of
Anyways, that's enough out of me. Here's my draft review. In a nod to draft reviews past, I will give comment about my preseason thoughts, my season thoughts, and my moving-forward thoughts- and without even saying a word you will know which is which. Because that is how awesome you are (guided there, of course, by my benevolent hand).
1 Tom Brady, QB, New England- I don't expect him to put up the ridiculous numbers that he did last year. And I was right- he didn't put up the ridiculous numbers that he did last year. He put up even better numbers. Three more TDs and 1,000+ more yards (plus 3 TDs on the ground). Sure, his INTs went up as well- but that's like complaining about Eve's shortcomings as an actress.
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| Sure, you're cute- but I want to see inside your soul |
If I have my way, this guy will retire as a North Michigan Snow Flurry.
2 Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland- Question- is a no.2 pick a good place to draft a guy who has only had one good season and spent much of his career being hurt? Answer- No, but my other RBs performed so well that it really didn't matter that Run-DMC missed over half of the season. That said, if I didn't have his handcuff Michael Bush, we'd be talking in a completely different tone right now. The kind of tone where you move slowly away from the computer and immediately call the authorities (or the tabloids). I can't honestly see myself picking D-Mac any sooner than the fifth round, which means I'll probably nab him by the third.
2 Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland- Question- is a no.2 pick a good place to draft a guy who has only had one good season and spent much of his career being hurt? Answer- No, but my other RBs performed so well that it really didn't matter that Run-DMC missed over half of the season. That said, if I didn't have his handcuff Michael Bush, we'd be talking in a completely different tone right now. The kind of tone where you move slowly away from the computer and immediately call the authorities (or the tabloids). I can't honestly see myself picking D-Mac any sooner than the fifth round, which means I'll probably nab him by the third.
3 Matt Forte, RB, Chicago- I have a huge soft spot for RBs that are versatile. Indeed, Forte's versatility within the Bears offense made him an invaluable member of my squad in the early weeks (and a solid one from the midpoint until his injury). He had just 4 total TDs on the year and only eclipsed the 70 yard rushing mark (I am not above using mediocrity as a benchmark) five times on the year- yet his ability to be involved in the passing game contributed to his 10.2 PPG average. Sadly, his late season injury (as well as DeMarco Murray's) kept me from tasting the Championship rainbow. Potential keeper (depending on how that injury plays out), there will always be a spot at the Snow Flurry table for my friend Mr. Forte.
4 Mike Williams, WR, Tampa Bay- I drafted [Mike Williams]because he scored 11 TDs last year. I almost [pushed Mike Williams] off of a cliff this year because he only scored 3 TDs and about 1,000 less yards than in 2010 (300- but it might as well have been 1,000). He was like the Bizarro Tom Brady, like Eve if she could act like Kate Winslet but looked like this:
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| But you should never call someone ugly if they have a bow and arrow. |
If I had to pick between drafting Mike Williams next year and being set on fire, I'd probably draft Mike Williams- but not before asking a series of clarifying questions.
6 Brandon Lloyd, WR, Denver- Interesting factoid that I found after doing some post-draft research- Brandon Lloyd was on NFL.com's Top Ten Players Most Likely To Be A Bust list. I really don't know if he was a bust, because I traded him way early in the season. (Goes to check his stats). Huh. Well, I guess he was the 24th highest scoring WR, so he wasn't a bust per se. However, I parlayed him into Michael Bush, so for a sixth round pick, this panned out much better than I could have imagined. Definitely much better than my #2 pick, anyways. I'd probably give him a shot if he's available in a nice low-round somewhere.
7 Mario Manningham, WR, New York (Giants)- If Steve Smith did, in fact, vanish into the Bermuda Triangle (as my sources have sort of confirmed but it was probably somebody else), then I expect Manningham to get a lot more touches in the passing game. Well Steve Smith resurfaced in Philadelphia of all places, but Mario got hurt and all of those extra touches seemed to go to Victor Cruz. I picked up Cruz before anyone else did, but that's beside the point. I drafted Manningham and got left with the remnants. Life is so unfair Manningham could conceivably find himself in a Snow Flurry uniform sometime in the future.
8 Sam Bradford, QB, St. Louis- I feel like he'll have a phenomenal year, and gives me great insurance against Brady getting hurt. Okay, so every single iffy decision up to this point can at least be tempered with a yeahbut. As in, "Yeah, but he got hurt". Sure, Bradford got hurt too- but this guy fell so far, so fast that he went from 'great insurance policy against Brady getting hurt' to getting 'Oh my God I can't believe I cut Cam Newton to keep this guy'-released just to wash the stink out of my mouth. I will not, will not draft you Sam. Or eat Green Eggs and Ham.
9 Brandon Jacobs, RB, New York (Giants)- What I do know is that Jacobs is a solid bye week/injury replacement. And he probably would have been. Of course, in the early weeks of the season, my RB situation was so solid that I could afford to play around with the waiver wire, and so Jacobs only made it to week 4 before being coldly let go into. Sorry man- nothing personal, just business. And it will be just business when I stay away from you like you just shook hands with a dude who touches pig guts for a living. Oh yeah, that was a spoiler.
10 Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans- I think this guy could be a potential steal at the TE position. Seriously- a potential steal? Jimmy Graham was so far in the steal category that the Leonardo DiCaprio was notified. I mean, this guy put up WR numbers! Seriously, if I could have played 2 TEs this year, I probably would have gone undefeated and spent the entire offseason writing blog posts about how I plucked Jimmy Graham out of the air, gave him wings, and told him he could fly. If Jimmy isn't a keeper for next year, it's because he has been betrothed to one of my top draft picks.
11 Ravens Defense- They do still have Ed Reed, right? Yup, and even though Reed wasn't the wicked insane playmaker of yesteryear, he still helped the Ravens D to a respectable showing. As long as Ed Reed is still playing, I will always give the Raven's D a thought.
12 Jordy Nelson, WR, Green Bay- I expect big things out of Jordy this year- even if his first name is 'Jordy'. With all due respect to Mr. Graham, and dorky name not withstanding, Jordy is without a doubt my top pick of 2011. Jordy had a monster 2k11. MONSTER. Even though Aaron Rodgers had quite possibly the deepest receiving corps in league history, he always seemed to make sure that my man Jordy got his. Indeed, Jordy Nelson ended the year as the #2 scoring WR in our league. Quite possibly this is the biggest surprise in world history- even more surprising than Rich Gannon being named NFL MVP that one time in the dark ages (2002). While Jordy isn't going to be a keeper, I guarantee I'm going to start hunting for him much earlier than round 12 next year.
13 Mike Williams, WR, Seattle- I got a valuable 2nd/3rd receiver who will probably be "The Man" on a bad Seattle team. I got a useless 4th/5th receiver who (for various reasons) had more games of zero points (9) than he did with points (7). And it's not like he was lighting up the scoreboard when he did score- check out these numbers: 1, 1, 3, 3, 4, 6, 9. Mike wasn't with me for very long, but the residual blast from this whiff was so bad that Rob Deer felt bad for me. The Mike Williams experience is over.
14 Greg Olsen, TE, Carolina- Olsen has been solid, and playing for a bad team starting a rookie QB, I imagine that he'll see his fair share of targets. Olsen did have a solid enough 2011, but with Graham and Gronk logging all of my TE playing time, there was literally no room for Olsen on the field. Also, whole security-blanket-for-rookie-QB-on-bad-team gig that I was banking on never really took off. Since apparently Cam Newton is Superman. You were essentially a one-night stand, Greg- and it wasn't even that great of a night. So I'll probably forget you.
15 Patriots Defense-It's a Bill Belichick 'D. It has to be good, right? Or at least, serviceable? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, uh-huh, SURE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're kidding, right?
16 Neil Rackers, K, Houston- You're going to read my postseason champions speech, see how I deftly nabbed Neil Rackers in the 16th round, and be amazed. Neil was a phenom at the K position for me, I'm not even kidding. Even though I dropped him about half-way through and didn't end up winning the championship, you should still be amazed. I treat my kickers just like I treat creditors- I never make a commitment before they're calling non-stop and threatening legal action.
17 Steve Breaston, WR, Kansas City-The only reason I picked Steve is because I still have Fantasy Football feelings for Dwayne Bowe, and I want someone on the inside who can let me know how he's doing- and let him know that I still care, and I'll treasure our magical autumn forever. After I scored D Bowe in my concubine league, I had no reason to keep Breaston. So I didn't. The end.
18 New York (Giants) Defense- Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Yup. That settles that.
19 Cam Newton, QB, Carolina- Rookie. Hehehe ROOKie- I'll probably never play this guy. I don't think he'll do very well. I just thought it'd be cool to take the first overall pick of the NFL draft with the next-to-last pick of the fantasy draft. Teach this kid a little humility. Make him work a little bit. Here on the Snow Flurries, you aren't just handed a starting spot because of your draft accolades- you gotta earn it. Wow. Just wow. If I had kept Newton instead of, say, oh, I don't know....SAM BRADFORD, then I'd probably be writing this blog somewhere on Main Street in the middle of a confetti shower and hundreds of hot chicks screaming my Championship name. Instead I'm sleeping with the fleas and cockroaches in the alley of Third Place wiping the specks of food out of my Not-Championship 5 o'clock shadow.
I mean, yeah, Cam blindsided all of us. No one knew he was going to explode on the scene in the fashion that he did. But still...he was on my team. MY TEAM. I drafted him. Ran him through the drills. Let him run the plays. Sent the equipment manager to have him come see me- and to make sure he brought his playbook. I was his genesis, his beginning- his very existence in the Center League was because of me. I should have known. Right? It doesn't matter. Because I have literally 0% chance of getting Cam Newton next year.
What might have been, indeed.
Eve-http://www.pwpix.net/superstars/e/evetorres/images/eve-torres-4.jpg
Jack Black- http://www.stomptokyo.com/reelopinions/images/nacho3.jpg
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