Marvel vs. DC- The Marvel Machine (offense)

One of the advantages of being a stay-at-home dad is that I get put into inspirational situations that might not occur if I was a working man with kids in daycare.  The other day, in the process of playing with my children, I found myself holding a Spider-man toy and a little killer whale toy.  I tucked the killer whale under Spider-man's arm, like a football.  Being a man who loves football and comics, I started to think about which comic characters would be good at what football positions.  If you thought it was ridiculous that I wrote so much about my Fantasy Football teams, then you should probably just skip this blog and tune in later in the week, when I may or may not write about something that actually holds meaning in the real life.

I put together 2 teams- one for Marvel (the Marvel Machine) and one for DC (the DC Stars).  I'll be analyzing each player in their role on the team.  Each squad will also have a head coach and offensive/defensive coordinators.  Please don't tell me this is a waste of time- this is the essence of life, brother!

Here's the starters for the Marvel offense.  All information taken from marvel.com.  All photographs taken from comicvine.com.

Quarterback- Captain America
6'2", 220 lbs

Stevo here might not have the most physical gifts in the Marvel U, but he makes up for it by having one of the few documented throwing arms in comics- and leadership that is off the charts. If I'm down by a touchdown in the fourth quarter, I want someone behind center who can inspire the troops to rise above their circumstances- not to mention someone I know can actually throw a football.

Running back- Black Panther
6', 200 lbs

Black Panther might seem like an upset pick at running back- but with his combination of speed, quickness, agility, and a suit that absorbs the kinetic energy of oncoming tacklers, Black Panther is a great asset to this Machine team.  Besides, anyone could run through the holes that this guy will be opening up...

Fullback- Juggernaut
9'5", 1900 lbs

When somebody's shtick is "Cannot be stopped while moving", you have to find that person a way to run the football.  Think 'Refrigerator Perry' if Perry was an actual refrigerator.  I like Juggernaut at fullback because whether he's toting the ball or just blasting the hole for Black Panther, he's going to be taking defenders to the hospital- probably in black bags, to be put in the hospital refrigerator.  That's what I call the circle of life, friends.

Wide receiver- Nightcrawler
5'9", 161 lbs

Let's forget all about his time in the Munich circus, the natural agility, and the quickness in space.  The dude can teleport.  From here to there, in an instant.  BAMF.  All that other stuff is just icing on the cake- Nightcrawler is a match-up nightmare.  Sure, he has to be able to see where he's going.  But I'm pretty sure that's not going to be an issue on the football field, what with it's tons of open space.  I realize that Nightcrawler doesn't always have that luxury.

Maybe we should run at least a few normal routes.  Just to be safe, ya know?

Wide receiver- Mr. Fantastic
6'1" (variable), 180 lbs

The perfect possession wide receiver.  Think about it- variable height/arm length, so you just throw it up there, and he's going to get it.  The intelligence to find the soft spots in the zone.  Sure, he's probably slow afoot- but you don't need to be Ted Ginn, Jr. when you can just stretch your arms to wherever the ball is.  And you don't need to have Larry Fitzgerald hands when you can just make your paws big enough to swallow the football whole.  Blocking?  How would you break through a wall of silly putty? 

Tight end- Giant Man
6', 185 lbs (variable)

My affinity for versatility betrays itself with this pick.  With his special Pym Particles to help him shrink to ant size or grow to 30+ feet tall, Giant Man can either play the role of third WR or huge, hulking TE- often combining multiple roles on the same play.  Did I mention he's a genius?  Nothing like trying to cover a three-story building that is all of a sudden an insect and then all of a sudden becomes a three-story building again...in the back of the endzone.  With the ball.  In your face.

Tackle- Groot
Very Variable

Who better to protect your quarterbacks blindside than a walking, talking tree who wants to take over the world?  I'm a little worried that he might be a little too stiff legged (zing) but I'm guessing if he gets those big 'ol log-mitts into your shoulder pads at all, you're going to be rooted in place (badumCRASH).  Sorry about the bad jokes- I'm trying to branch out (oh stop it stop it!!!). 

Guard- Volstagg
6'8", 1425 lbs

The guy is on the team if for no other reason than he ensures that the post-game spread is going to be a feast fit for an almost-god.  Of course, there's a good chance he'll devour it before anyone else gets so much as a chicken wing.  But there's more to like about Volstagg than just his traveling catering team.  Weight about as much as an entire normal-human offensive line, Volstagg moves well enough to be able to pull out on sweeps, and get to the second and third levels on run plays. Not sure if he has the endurance to actually do that, but the theory is sound.

Center- Hercules
6'5", 325 lbs

Okay, so maybe a drunken wrestler deity isn't the best choice to be handling the O-line calls.  But the alternative was Mephisto.  Say what you want about Hercules, but no way in hell I'm trusting anything to the god of lies.  No offense, Mephisto.  Besides, Hercs background in wrestling will serve him well in the trenches.  And he just looks so cute there next to those other behemoths!

Guard- Thing
6', 500 lbs

Sort of a no-brainer choice, Thing has the strength and toughness that any team wants with an interior lineman.  I don't know how much he'll be pulling, but I can't think of too many guys I'd want to run a short yardage play behind.

Tackle- Absorbing Man
6'4, 365 lbs (variable)

Quick question- it's not considered holding if you don't technically "grab" the jersey, right?  Because I'm just picturing Absorbing Man getting his hands onto the pads of the guy he's blocking (legally, of course) and just...well, just sort of 'absorbing' his hands onto the opponents jersey.  It's hard to rush the passer when you've suddenly carrying around an extra 365 variable pounds of offensive tackle.

Special Teams:

Kicker/Punter- Bullseye
6', 175 lbs

I'm pretty sure that there are tons of folks in comic books that have super strong legs.  But in a comic book football game, you don't need a strong leg as much as you need a leg that can accomplish what you need it to accomplish every single time.  Field position will be paramount.  Points are of the essence.  So you need a field goal kicker who can make all of his kicks fly true and a punter whose coffin corner punts always hit the sweet spot inside the five.  So naturally, you take a sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy.

Kick/punt returns- Nightcrawler and Juggernaut.  Yo.  The choice is obvious.  

Head coach- Professor Xavier

In addition to being a brilliant tactician and a well-spoken motivator, Xavier can do two things that every football coach should be able to do but that few can.

1) He can read minds.  Even if he decides to not read the minds of the DC players, he'll be able to read the minds of his own.  He'll know which of his players is in the zone, which of his players stayed out partying too late last night, and which of his players just peed his pants. Sure, Cerebro is a little unwieldy to have on the side-lines- but no more unwieldy than say, Andy Reid.


 2) He can make people do what they don't want to do.  It's called mind control, sweet heart, and this ain't for the faint of heart- this is football, dammit!  Black Panther, I know some of those D-Linemen look like they want to literally eat you for lunch, but you will....run....in...thhhhhee....crap, lost the connection.  And my starting running back.

Offensive coordinator- Loki

The DC defense is going to likely be able to match the Marvel offense in physical acumen- so the play calling needs to keep the defense off balance.  Who better to be in charge of setting up the Marvel game plan the the God of Mischief?  I for one would love to see what kinds of trick plays the guy who plots to steal the Odin-power could come up with.  Flea flickers?  Statue of Liberty?  Quintuple reverse?  Ah, you think too small, friends!

Tune in Friday for the Marvel Machines Defense!