Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg

How I met your clients

Have you ever watched 'How I Met Your Mother'?  If you haven't, then you should, because I watch it and it's the funniest show in the world.  I realize I'm only like six or seven years behind the bandwagon but hey- better late than never, right?

Anyways, this blog is not about that show, but it invokes a certain character from that show- namely, the show's main character, the "I" of "How I met your mother"- Ted Mosby.  Ted is the freaking man.  He's funny and charming and has a great job (that clearly lets him stay out until all hours of the night and engage in endless shenanigans with Doogie Howser) and is cute and...well, you get the picture.  If Ted Mosby was a real person, then he would always win People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive who is not Jason Parks award (not to be confused with the Sexist Man Alive) and wannabes like Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney would end up stuck in a sidebar somewhere on the cover of Weekly Us.

Like that'll ever happen

So before I get swept away in some bizarre romantic fantasy involving me and a fictional dude, allow me to sort of explain how I plan to tie the character of Ted Mosby into my ongoing and thus far fruitless pursuit of a real-life social work job.  Because I'm totally going to do it, and you're totally going to be like, 'whoa'.

See, Keanu Reeves- he gets it

7 year spoiler alert- in the Pilot of HImym, Ted meets this really funny, charming, hot girl named Robin, and after a super first date, they're up in her apartment, dancing to really romantic music (did I mention it's like 1 in the morning) and Ted tells Robin that he loves her.  Apparently, this is a huge first date no-no, and so the romantic moment ends, Ted walks away- but not before dropping this totally inspirational nugget:
- "You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.."

And I think that's when it hit me- I'm like the Ted Mosby of social work.  I'm the guy that would make some human service agency an amazing social worker who is super fun to work with, helps people, and is good at his job.  These past couple years of post-grad living have been like my employment bachelorhood- fun jobs, nothing long term- but now I'm ready for The One.  I'm ready for that commitment.  I'm ready to meet Your Mom.

Good one!

So basically this blog is going to be like an internet cover letter.  It'll cover all the stuff that a cover letter would probably cover, but without the rote formalities and big words that a normal cover letter would have- plus it has pictures.

PICTURES!!!

Before I begin- slight sidebar.  I think that there should be an eHarmony for jobs. Like someone figures out a scientific formula where you answer a bunch of questions and then an employer answers a bunch of questions and your composite scores get matched up based on compatibility.  I just think it'd make more sense than the whole application/resume/interview song and dance that we do, which is very antiquated- it's like going on a blind date, except you're competing with a bunch of other people like an episode of the Bachelor, but you only get one date (two, tops) before having to decide if you want to get married.  Maybe that's why there is such high turnover rate in some jobs and other people stay in places where they clearly aren't happy.

Maybe they have a top-notch benefits package...

Okay, so I'm going to get this started by listing the things that I'm...not.  I'm not going to be a polished professional right off the bat.  I've never been the best at jargon.  I definitely don't have lots of experience- my human service career has largely been filled with hands-on direct-care positions, which means that even though I've still developed a Bat-belt of social work abilities, I've been doing slightly different work in a different setting than my social work peers have been doing.

But let me tell you what I am- besides a good father and a good kisser.

'Sup.

First of all, I'm smart.  Not like, Mensa-smart or anything like that, but pretty darn smart.  I graduated from Northern Michigan University with a 3.97 that probably could have been a 4.0.  I did this while working and helping raise two young children.  I'm sure I'm not unique in this-but it's not a commonality either.  Actually, scratch that.  I accomplished something that has never ever been done before.  I guess I'm also like the Neil Armstrong of social work or something.  Whatevs.  Just another accolade at this point.

I'm able to look at things objectively and from multiple angles.  Life doesn't happen like some linear script- it's more like a lottery ball machine, with a myriad of events and people all jostling around and resulting in interesting things with the faux appearance of randomness.  So not only do I recognize that things aren't often what they seem- I actively seek out tributaries that might not seem to attach to the big river.  Because chances are, they might.

But I also know that I don't know everything- and often times I feel like I don't know anything. So I have the humility to learn from others- including my clients, who are really the experts in their life stories.  I'm not afraid to ask questions or to dig a little deeper.  If I have an area of weakness, I exploit it by trying to improve it.  In college, I took a Gay/Lesbian history class because I recognized that I had a prejudice in this area.  I went in with a (not as much as I thought I had) open mind and learned quite a bit.  I also made a great friend who happens to be a lesbian.  The moral of the story?  I'm awesome.

But this awesomeness didn't just happen like some sort of freak lab accident.  I have a life story of my own, with its own trials and tribulations.  I've been poor.  From the get-go, life has been tough.  Sara and I jumped into marriage as a couple of naive kids strung out on Peter Cetera songs and romantic comedies- which probably would have been fine if we hadn't got pregnant right away and then decided to move into a group home four months into our marriage.  Can you say "Cluster of Stressors"?

Even though life has been tough the last few years, and I feel like we've had to scratch and claw for everything, I also wouldn't trade it for anything (unless it was a few million dollars) because I believe that I've learned from it.  And while I know my story doesn't translate into a cure-all, I think it will help me to not only be more empathetic to my clients- but to also to be able to meet them where they're at (and treat them with dignity and respect).

Did I mention that I'm a husband and a father?  That means something.  Obviously it means that I am motivated to keep my job, since wives and children are expensive to upkeep.  But also, it means that I have a sense of commitment and the ability to work through difficult issues.  While I wouldn't often classify myself as a "selfless" person, I engage in varying degrees of personal sacrifice every day that I'm alive.  It's not always easy and I don't always do the best job- but at the end of the day my family knows that I love them dearly and would do anything for them.  Just like I will your clients, hypothetical future employer.

There's so much more that I could say about myself.  My unconventional path has given me the skills and tools I need to be good at what I do.  And obviously you've picked up that I have a great sense of humor and am an above-average writer.  Both of those are merely latent traits in the overall package that is Jason Parks.  I guarantee that if you give me a job and pay me money- I will be a darn good social worker.  Probably not the best ever- but I'll give you my best, and you'll never even need to say thank you.

As long as your insurance covers chronic hoarseness

PICS-
Weekly US- http://img1.bdbphotos.com/images/orig/f/9/f924btnpo7nento2.jpg
Bill and Teds- http://i4.ytimg.com/vi/OT4B-NJUcZE/0.jpg
High five- http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZytdDbL_DZU/T3R_qolQPvI/AAAAAAAAACQ/RH0RUUALq0s/s1600/internet_high_five-2496.jpg
Ridiculously photogenic guy- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/283598-ridiculously-photogenic-guy-zeddie-little
Wedding- http://devasuram.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/worst-wedding-photo-4.jpg
Batman- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSDBOm7yzpg-F4eFP2bXnXDtsKTxcPUBFrqxF-1mGZmOBI8wvk59Ewonvpl_4LdAz4eL9dZjXfXy3IKz2G9gb5gCqxELBQXlFgYQ3q9BbcTtqqgoYzkbrRKoIHbvcBLaElFiStc0WJesM/s1600/936full-batman-begins-screenshot.jpg

Brush your teeth and lyrical content- an objective commentary

Currently I have a job where I listen to children's music.  Lots of children's music.  Nay, TONS of children's music.  Anyone else would go insane from listening to all the major chords, 4/4 time signatures, and repetitive lyrics that I have get to.  That's a shame though, because actually the experience has turned me into one of the coolest kids on the playground and allowed my mind to visit a beautiful world that it hasn't been to since...well, okay, it's pretty much there all the time.

That said, having spent over five months as a virtual man-child, it has become increasingly apparent to me that adults who write children's songs think children are either 1) stupid or 2) not paying attention.

I understand that kids don't have a wealth of world experiences and aren't cognitively up to snuff when it comes to processing life as we know it.   Naturally then, adults compensate for these shortcomings by creating songs and shows that are so far outside of the realm of human experience that it's a wonder our kids don't grow up flinging poop and swinging from trees.  Seriously, the disconnect between reality and children's entertainment is so severe that it's a miracle more McDonalds transactions don't end up like this one:

To demonstrate this I'm going to analyze one song in particular- a little diddy called "Brush your teeth".  This song was (probably) made famous by Raffi, and I really hate to rag on the dude who is basically the Beatles of children's music- but these lyrics are so recklessly irresponsible that I feel it is my civic duty to draw the line between innocent teeth brushing- and unsupervised late night shenanigans.

Pictured: What happens when unsupervised late night shenanigans meet second-rate cosmetologists

For your convenience, the lyrics are in italics.  You're welcome.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to one
And you want to have a little fun,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

First off, I have to be honest- I have an extremely soft spot for that little "ch ch ch" bit- but in no way does that make it okay for a little kid to be waking up at 12:45 for any reason- even if it's to brush their teeth.  Besides, you had all day to have fun, and when I tried to get you to brush your teeth after breakfast, you got all defiant and yelled at me and then when I told you that you had earned a time-out you hit me- so if you try to tell me you want to brush your teeth now, then basically I am going to ground you until your baby teeth fall out.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to two
And you want to find something to do,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

I have a great idea of something you can do- GET YOUR BUTT BACK TO BED.  Seriously, 1:45 a.m. is not the time to try and cure boredom.  Hit the hay, get a good night's rest, and we'll brush those teeth tomorrow when daddy is not stumbling around in the dark and OWWWWW!!!  WHO LEFT THE FREAKING LEGOS OUT??????

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to three
And your mind starts humming a tweedle dee dee,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Take it from my old pal Ted Mosby- nothing good happens after 2:30.  At this point, you should be well in the throes of a good nights sleep.  Certainly if you happen to wake up around this time, the last thing you should be doing is making ANY noise WHATSOEVER, let alone humming 'a tweedle dee dee'...because I'm a light sleeper who has a penchant for getting songs stuck in his head and a cranky disposition when sleep deprived.

YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M...YAAAWWWWNNN...

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to four
And you think you hear a knock at the door,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Okay kids, here's a little lesson in self-preservation.  If it's 3:45 a.m. and you hear a knock on the door, DO NOT saunter to the bathroom to preform oral hygiene.  Instead, it'd be much, much better to sit up quietly...listen for the knock again, and quickly (and quietly) make way for your parents room.  If you have a phone handy, you should prepare to dial 911.  There are certain types of people that tend to knock on doors at this ungodly hour, and they aren't dentists.

All of the above advice can be ignored if you happen to have a firearm handy...in which case you should just answer the door because it's probably child protective services coming to get you the heck out of there.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to five
And you just can't wait to come alive,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Fine.  You win.  Just go brush your teeth.

Pics: House party- http://www.thegmanifesto.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/house-party.jpg
Hulk- http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/pictures/2008/05/13/hulk.jpg