This time I will detail some of the exploits of Jack Bauer in episode 3 of season 1. It's been a while, because Netflix was crazy fast in delivering discs of Dexter, season 3 to us- and then we also found 30 Rock, which is an amazing comedy, in the same league as The Office (which, if you know how I feel about The Office, is high praise). But we did watch the third episode, and Jack is beginning to build on his B.A. actions of the first two episodes.
It's possible that at this point, you think that I am engaging in an exercise that is, at best, fruitless. 'Is he really going to go through every episode and talk about this crap?'- and that's a fair point. Part of this blog is born from the fact that I suddenly have much more time on my hands than I did before, and while I have altruistic ambitions about how I'm going to use that time, the reality is that I am the guy that Kurt Cobain was singing about when he uttered those immortal grunts- "Here we are now, entertain us". I love to do stuff that is ultimately pointless in the grand scheme of things.
But I suppose we could give this blog idea of mine a little credibility by tying in some sort of greater meaning (and really, we all assign meaning to the actions of our lives)- and how we so often take things at face value, or we trust the things the people say just because of who they are, without checking them out for ourselves. We've been told all our lives that Jack Bauer is the baddest mo' fo' to walk the face of the earth- that Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas and that Chuck Norris checks his closet at night for Jack Bauer- without really taking his legend to task. That's what I'm all about. That's why I'm here. That's why I'm suggesting myself to a day in the life of Jack Bauer, one hour at a time- because we're tired of being lied to by those who are in a position to do so. Oh, hey kids, I can't play with you right now, sorry. Why not? Why, I'm working on homework, that's why.
Before I get started, I do think it needs to be mentioned that in this episode, a random dude smashes the back window out of Senator Palmer's SUV with a baseball bat. I'll bet Senator Palmer was really glad he is in good hands with All-state.
Like I said, this is all about the process. Jack isn't completely B.A. at this point- but he's not PeeWee Herman either. He has a reputation to live up to, and he is slowly starting to grow into it. It's as if we are witnessing the Bar Mitzvah of Jack, except instead of growing into a man, Jack is growing into a bad-ass. Let's get started.
Early on, Jack takes that thumb that he had chopped off for the purposes of identifying one of the bad guys, and applies the thumb print to the digital scanner that his vehicle has. He's still slightly squeamish- a disgusted look on his face, maybe a little perspiration- but the fact that he doesn't have someone else do it speaks to his level of commitment. Never mind that level of commitment doesn't apply to other areas of his life- like his family. He's a singularly minded in his approach to business, and that will serve him well on his vision quest.
Later in the show, he's talking on the phone to the dad of his daughter's friend, who is hanging out with his wife at a furniture store at 2 in the morning. The dad wants to leave- it's late, he's tired, and he totally realizes that if he stays there too much longer, he's going to end up buying that 5-piece granite tabletop set with a solid hardwood base. Either that, or he realizes that he and his daughter are small-time in this big operation, and he wants to get while the getting's good (of course, what he doesn't realize is that he's on a collision course with a relationship with the soon-to-be ex of Jack Bauer).
So he's hemming and hawing, and Jack basically shuts him down. He yells at him and tells him to stick around and wait for the girls. The guy, being a weakling, obeys, and Jack hangs up the phone. If Jack were leveling up on this B.A. ladder, this would have gained him a couple XPs- not much, but hey, it's progress.
When Jack finally arrives back at the office, Jack does one of the coolest things I have ever seen another human being do- he takes off his shirt in the middle of his office! Now, it seems that he has a locker in his office (which is very cool), but the fact that Jack feels comfortable enough to just take his shirt off in the middle of a government building- I think when this is all said and done, it won't be necessarily one of the awesomet things that Jack does, but it will be the moment where Jack shows us the bad-ass that is sleeping just beneath the surface. And right now, I would wager that bad-ass is laying down underneath that vintage 1990's barbed wire tat around Jack's right bicep.
End of the episode- Jack tells Nina that she's a traitor, throws her into a chair, and then yells in her face. Personally, I feel like it's a little early to play that card- but that's probably why Jack Bauer is the two highest cards in Euchre and Jason Parks is, at best, one of the 5's that you use to keep score. It is an irrational action with a sexual undertone- how much more bad-ass can you get?
Well, the answer to that question will hopefully be answered resoundingly in the next few episodes. Right now, Jack is more flash than substance- Derrick Coleman to Chuck Norris' Michael Jordan- but the good news is that there is an assassination attempt that will be taking place on Senator Palmer- which gives him plenty of time to do stuff that most of us will only have man-dreams about.
B.A. Actions- Episode 3- 3.5
B.A. Actions to date- 7.5
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The socialism of intelligence
A line has been crossed- a straw has broken a camel's back- someone has talked about Fight Club. Something must be done. And so action will be taken.
You may be wondering what on Earth I am talking about. And that's a fair question to ask. And in no way am I trying to stretch this part out as I frantically search for an answer to appease your curiosity. That is so far beneath me, it's not even funny. I'm a college graduate, for crying out loud- a social worker nonetheless...are you still here? You are? Hrmm...well, I guess I could get to the point.
A while back, in one of my epic blog posts, I wrote about how just because I was graduating college, I wasn't done learning. You might remember it because I'm a pretty memorable person. And if you forgot, that's fine- I hyperlinked so you can read it again and remember how inspired you were to become a better, smarter person.
Well, it's been 6 months...and I think it's time. I had a legitimate excuse before- I was working over 40 hours a week at a job that left me an emotional and intellectual zombie. I had no energy, desire, or passion for learning- I just wanted to make it through the days...weeks...months. I am no longer at that job. The job I have now is like the anti-job of that job.
Now that I'm starting to feel that my sense of self has been restored, it's time to take it to new and uncharted territories. And as much fun as it is to be a quarterback, or an assassin, or Batman...it's also something that needs a little moderation. It's time to spend a little less time on the PS3 (not too much...come on now- it's a PS3! People kill for these things!) and a little more time getting smarter.
I made a commitment, not only to myself- but to my social work cohort and to my family, and to all those people who have believed in me and sacrificed to help me to get to where I am- and that commitment was to continue to learn as much as I could about my trade, and to constantly be moving forward as a human being.
And just what is my trade? The easy answer would be to say 'social work'...but I'm not all about easy. Well, that's not entirely true- I'm actually a unique composition of hard work and easy street. I suspect that most of us are.
As I wrote about in this other awesome blog post that you might actually remember (or at least alluded to), I am not sure I want to do social work for a living. This does not mean, however, that I don't want to be a social worker, or that I just wasted thousands of dollars and years of my life. My experience with the idea of social work is that it is the profession of being a compassionate human being- and that is what I want to be, all the time, regardless of my profession. It is that end that I intend to turn my pursuits towards.
Maybe I am just in denial...or withdrawal...or some type of 'al'. In the big scheme of things, there is much that I don't know- there are so many questions, things to ponder- and a wife and children to keep in mind. Right now I have the luxury of not having to necessarily make a decision. And hopefully I can learn more about myself (and my place within the context of humanity) in that time period. Maybe at that time, my life path will be lit up like the Griswold home on Christmas.
Meanwhile...I plan to start re-reading one of my college textbooks to kick start my learning siesta. It's called Counseling Diverse Clients, by Jeanne M. Slattery. This book has been a life changer, to say the least. I can't say it's brought me tons of new information per se...but it has brought into order many loose thoughts and ideas that I had, and has given me a firm foundation in the realm of context. I've talked about context before, and I will be sharing more on it in the coming indefinite time period.
My idea is to share with you, for free, the ideas and thoughts that were shared with me in an institution of higher learning. It might be a little socialistic...but then again, I am a socialismopath. If I even create a ripple, then the whole lake will be affected. And if I don't create a ripple? Then maybe the hot air that I'm spewing will set fire to the butterfly before it flaps its wings.
You may be wondering what on Earth I am talking about. And that's a fair question to ask. And in no way am I trying to stretch this part out as I frantically search for an answer to appease your curiosity. That is so far beneath me, it's not even funny. I'm a college graduate, for crying out loud- a social worker nonetheless...are you still here? You are? Hrmm...well, I guess I could get to the point.
A while back, in one of my epic blog posts, I wrote about how just because I was graduating college, I wasn't done learning. You might remember it because I'm a pretty memorable person. And if you forgot, that's fine- I hyperlinked so you can read it again and remember how inspired you were to become a better, smarter person.
Well, it's been 6 months...and I think it's time. I had a legitimate excuse before- I was working over 40 hours a week at a job that left me an emotional and intellectual zombie. I had no energy, desire, or passion for learning- I just wanted to make it through the days...weeks...months. I am no longer at that job. The job I have now is like the anti-job of that job.
Now that I'm starting to feel that my sense of self has been restored, it's time to take it to new and uncharted territories. And as much fun as it is to be a quarterback, or an assassin, or Batman...it's also something that needs a little moderation. It's time to spend a little less time on the PS3 (not too much...come on now- it's a PS3! People kill for these things!) and a little more time getting smarter.
I made a commitment, not only to myself- but to my social work cohort and to my family, and to all those people who have believed in me and sacrificed to help me to get to where I am- and that commitment was to continue to learn as much as I could about my trade, and to constantly be moving forward as a human being.
And just what is my trade? The easy answer would be to say 'social work'...but I'm not all about easy. Well, that's not entirely true- I'm actually a unique composition of hard work and easy street. I suspect that most of us are.
As I wrote about in this other awesome blog post that you might actually remember (or at least alluded to), I am not sure I want to do social work for a living. This does not mean, however, that I don't want to be a social worker, or that I just wasted thousands of dollars and years of my life. My experience with the idea of social work is that it is the profession of being a compassionate human being- and that is what I want to be, all the time, regardless of my profession. It is that end that I intend to turn my pursuits towards.
Maybe I am just in denial...or withdrawal...or some type of 'al'. In the big scheme of things, there is much that I don't know- there are so many questions, things to ponder- and a wife and children to keep in mind. Right now I have the luxury of not having to necessarily make a decision. And hopefully I can learn more about myself (and my place within the context of humanity) in that time period. Maybe at that time, my life path will be lit up like the Griswold home on Christmas.
Meanwhile...I plan to start re-reading one of my college textbooks to kick start my learning siesta. It's called Counseling Diverse Clients, by Jeanne M. Slattery. This book has been a life changer, to say the least. I can't say it's brought me tons of new information per se...but it has brought into order many loose thoughts and ideas that I had, and has given me a firm foundation in the realm of context. I've talked about context before, and I will be sharing more on it in the coming indefinite time period.
My idea is to share with you, for free, the ideas and thoughts that were shared with me in an institution of higher learning. It might be a little socialistic...but then again, I am a socialismopath. If I even create a ripple, then the whole lake will be affected. And if I don't create a ripple? Then maybe the hot air that I'm spewing will set fire to the butterfly before it flaps its wings.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Just how B.A. is Jack Bauer?
While between discs of Dexter: Season 3, my wife and I have taken to watching shows on Netflix Instant.
Netflix Instant is like "the guy" in prison. You know "the guy"? You want something, you ask "the guy", and "the guy" gets you what you want. It's amazing. I suppose there are some potential ramifications to think about...like when I'm in my 70's thinking back to why I spent so much time watching shows on the television. But then I'll remember Liam Neeson in Taken, and how he showed me the best way to show your daughter how much you love her is to let her get kidnapped while she's in a foreign country and then go over there and seriously kick ass. And then I'll forget where I am.
Anyways, the show that we have taken up curretnly is 24. I've watched bits and pieces of the first few seasons- but never a whole season. Until now- thanks to the miracle of instantaneous C-note, we have access to a whole new world of television seasons, movies, and more Barney than you could shake a stick at. And so here we are- just me, Sara, and Jack Bauer.
At this point in 24 legend, Jack Bauer might as well be the Lord's avenging angel. Jack Bauer is the standard by which all bad asses are measured against. He's so cool that the most bad ass cards in the game of Euchre are named after him.
But that's not how the first season starts. In fact, I had to double check- is this the Jack Bauer of mythology? Or is this his evil twin Slack Bauer?
We first find our hero playing Suzie Homemaker. Then we find out that he's a snitch. Later, he looks squeamish as he's about to cut off a dead man's thumb (granted, he's about to cut off that dead man's thumb to score a fingerprint...but still- squeamish). So why do we revere this man so much?
Well, I'm not one to waste an opportunity to engage in some qualitative research- after all, I am a college graduate! So I'm going to take advantage of my observation skills, critical thinking, and the luxury afforded to me by my good friends at Netflix to systematically go through, episode by episode, and objectively determine why Jack Bauer is the Bad Ass of bad asses.
Having a rather extensive background in behavioral observation and description, I'm going to go through and look at what he does. I mean, obviously we can look at the Jack Bauer face, and listen to the Jack Bauer voice...and those are very B.A. traits, for sure. But from between the hours of 12 and 2 am (first two episodes of season 1) that face might as well have been a big purple dinosaur face.
So what has Jack Bauer done? Over the next indefinite period of time (because if there is one thing that I've realized about myself, it's that I suck at things you like to call "deadlines" or "due dates"), I will be bringing you an episode-by-episode list of the B.A. deeds committed by Jack Bauer. We can then determine scientifically at which point Jack Bauer goes from poser to legit.
So far in the first couple episodes, I have determined that Jack has engaged in four acts of bad ass-ness.
In episode 1, Jack spends a large part of time looking more like Jack Black than Jack Bauer. However, he does manage to use a tranq gun to knock out some dude- then he blackmailed him. That's pretty B.A.- even if he pretty much went right into pathetic, helpless-guy mode for the rest of the episode.
Episode 2 sees the B.A.ometer start to rise like mercury on a hot day. He cuts off someone's thumb because he needs to identify the man (the guy is dead, and Jack seems squeamish...but still...he cuts his thumb off). That's pretty B.A., right? However, after one of his fellow good-guy agents is killed, he gets pissed and runs a red light. He doesn't just run a red light- he gives a blatant middle finger to the whole stop light system. I mean, we're talking accelerating through it while not even bothering to check his peripherals!
And then, as if that wasn't B.A. enough, Jack proceeds to break the speed limit while driving down the freeway! At least, I assume he is breaking the speed limit because he's driving way faster than everyone else. See, that's the thing about Jack Bauer at this point. I imagine that in later shows, you'll just assume that Jack is blowing red lights and speeding at all times because of how B.A. he is. Right now though? He hasn't quite earned that level of respect yet. At this point, it's possible that a bunch of old people are out for leisurely cruises in the wee-hours of the morning.
All in all, I'm looking forward to seeing the evolution of Jack Bauer: Mr. Mom into Jack Bauer: Mr. Ass. Until next time, via con Dios and stay thirsty my friends!
Netflix Instant is like "the guy" in prison. You know "the guy"? You want something, you ask "the guy", and "the guy" gets you what you want. It's amazing. I suppose there are some potential ramifications to think about...like when I'm in my 70's thinking back to why I spent so much time watching shows on the television. But then I'll remember Liam Neeson in Taken, and how he showed me the best way to show your daughter how much you love her is to let her get kidnapped while she's in a foreign country and then go over there and seriously kick ass. And then I'll forget where I am.
Anyways, the show that we have taken up curretnly is 24. I've watched bits and pieces of the first few seasons- but never a whole season. Until now- thanks to the miracle of instantaneous C-note, we have access to a whole new world of television seasons, movies, and more Barney than you could shake a stick at. And so here we are- just me, Sara, and Jack Bauer.
At this point in 24 legend, Jack Bauer might as well be the Lord's avenging angel. Jack Bauer is the standard by which all bad asses are measured against. He's so cool that the most bad ass cards in the game of Euchre are named after him.
But that's not how the first season starts. In fact, I had to double check- is this the Jack Bauer of mythology? Or is this his evil twin Slack Bauer?
We first find our hero playing Suzie Homemaker. Then we find out that he's a snitch. Later, he looks squeamish as he's about to cut off a dead man's thumb (granted, he's about to cut off that dead man's thumb to score a fingerprint...but still- squeamish). So why do we revere this man so much?
Well, I'm not one to waste an opportunity to engage in some qualitative research- after all, I am a college graduate! So I'm going to take advantage of my observation skills, critical thinking, and the luxury afforded to me by my good friends at Netflix to systematically go through, episode by episode, and objectively determine why Jack Bauer is the Bad Ass of bad asses.
Having a rather extensive background in behavioral observation and description, I'm going to go through and look at what he does. I mean, obviously we can look at the Jack Bauer face, and listen to the Jack Bauer voice...and those are very B.A. traits, for sure. But from between the hours of 12 and 2 am (first two episodes of season 1) that face might as well have been a big purple dinosaur face.
So what has Jack Bauer done? Over the next indefinite period of time (because if there is one thing that I've realized about myself, it's that I suck at things you like to call "deadlines" or "due dates"), I will be bringing you an episode-by-episode list of the B.A. deeds committed by Jack Bauer. We can then determine scientifically at which point Jack Bauer goes from poser to legit.
So far in the first couple episodes, I have determined that Jack has engaged in four acts of bad ass-ness.
In episode 1, Jack spends a large part of time looking more like Jack Black than Jack Bauer. However, he does manage to use a tranq gun to knock out some dude- then he blackmailed him. That's pretty B.A.- even if he pretty much went right into pathetic, helpless-guy mode for the rest of the episode.
Episode 2 sees the B.A.ometer start to rise like mercury on a hot day. He cuts off someone's thumb because he needs to identify the man (the guy is dead, and Jack seems squeamish...but still...he cuts his thumb off). That's pretty B.A., right? However, after one of his fellow good-guy agents is killed, he gets pissed and runs a red light. He doesn't just run a red light- he gives a blatant middle finger to the whole stop light system. I mean, we're talking accelerating through it while not even bothering to check his peripherals!
And then, as if that wasn't B.A. enough, Jack proceeds to break the speed limit while driving down the freeway! At least, I assume he is breaking the speed limit because he's driving way faster than everyone else. See, that's the thing about Jack Bauer at this point. I imagine that in later shows, you'll just assume that Jack is blowing red lights and speeding at all times because of how B.A. he is. Right now though? He hasn't quite earned that level of respect yet. At this point, it's possible that a bunch of old people are out for leisurely cruises in the wee-hours of the morning.
All in all, I'm looking forward to seeing the evolution of Jack Bauer: Mr. Mom into Jack Bauer: Mr. Ass. Until next time, via con Dios and stay thirsty my friends!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Expendables (possibly some spoilers, more than likely just spoiled)
So last Friday, I went to see 'The Expendables' with my buddy Bryan. It was the last night before his wedding, so we figured we'd go see a man movie.
Well, Expendables is a man movie....a man movie on steroids. And HGH. And receiving testosterone supplements. And starring every action movie star from the 1980's. It was like, hey 1985 called- they want to make a movie.
This action-packed gore fest starts early-Dolph Lundgren fires a rocket launcer at a guy and blows him in half (and yes, they show it) while 'The Expendables' (apparently some sort of rogue task force of bad-asses)are attempting to rescue some people from sea pirates. The blood spilling does not dial down- rather, they crank it up to 11.
Indeed, there is definitely a step forward in the amount and type of violence in movies nowadays- I noticed it in 'The Watchmen' and 'Book of Eli'...movie violence is at a whole new level. Before, violence was fed to us through the genius of editing. The would show us what was going to happen, and then they would flash to another scene with what they wanted us to believe had happened. Now though? Decapitations, biting, explosions, shark attacks- you name it, it's happening in the same scene, no editing tricks. Pretty CG, but getting better.
Little bit of a tangent...bringing it back now.
Where was I? Oh yeah- an 80's movie in 2010. Not a good combo. You realize that the 80's movies were just ridiculous. Plots were terrible, writing was bad, action was over the top- obviously I wasn't in my early 30's back then, so I don't know if grown-ups thought those movies were ultra cool. I hope not- because if that generation of 30-somethings had that bad of taste, and passed that bad taste on to my generation- then we as a society are perpetuating a cycle of bad taste that could threaten all legitimate art and culture as we know it.
Now let me clarify- I had a great time, and as far as a man movie goes- it was a man movie. There was action and swearing (Bruce Willis dropped 4 F-bombs, which is twice the amount he was probably paid for) and a knife throwing competition and cheesy one-liners and tattoos- the only thing missing was sex.
But if you're looking for a movie with any substance- then you might say this this movie is...expendable (I don't know if that was a good joke, but I had to use it at some point, and I'm panicking because I don't know if another opportunity will present itself). The story is virtually non-existant, the dialogue is terrible, and the heroes are way too cool for school.
At one juncture, Jason Stathams character takes his ex-girlfriend on a motorcycle ride and drives by the guy she left Statham for (who happened to have just given her a black eye), who is playing basketball with some buds. Statham proceeds to kick the asses of all 6 dudes, and then whips out a switchblade and stabs the basketball while it lays prone on Mr. Abusers chest...then makes a remark about how she should have stayed with Statham. Oh yeah, sure- I just got out of one abusive relationship, and I'm supposed to feel better about our former relationship? YOU JUST KICKED THE ASS OF THE GUY THAT BEAT ME- AND LIKE 5 OF HIS BUDDIES- AND ALSO, YOU CARRY A SWITCHBLADE??? Yeah, no anger issues there pal. There is no way that the 80's were this ridiculous...were they?
But the best part was at the end, after the team of like 5 dudes takes out the army of bad guys- and Stone Cold- and the main villain, and after they blew up the palace (jeez guys...you're only getting paid $5 millions dollars for this mission, you might want to scale back on the amount of C-4 you're using, that stuff ain't cheap)- the daughter of the (deceased) general says to Sly Stallone as he is about to fly off into the sunset "Thank you for helping us".
Yeah. Thanks for helping us. Our little island country now has no military. We have no government infrastructure. The palace is destroyed. Our cash crop is an unnamed drug that attracted the bad dudes in the first place. So basically you "saved" our country by destroying everything that we need to make it not collapse in on itself. But thank you for what you've done! And now you get to go back to America and cash in on your millions and sit around and drink alcohol and throw knives in a tattoo parlor while our people end up living in caves and solving disputes like on Lord of the Flies.
Folks- forget about 2012- if the 1980's are allowed to continue to make a comeback, the world may end well before then. It's up to us, the informed, to take a stand. The 1980's died once. Let's keep it that way.
Well, Expendables is a man movie....a man movie on steroids. And HGH. And receiving testosterone supplements. And starring every action movie star from the 1980's. It was like, hey 1985 called- they want to make a movie.
This action-packed gore fest starts early-Dolph Lundgren fires a rocket launcer at a guy and blows him in half (and yes, they show it) while 'The Expendables' (apparently some sort of rogue task force of bad-asses)are attempting to rescue some people from sea pirates. The blood spilling does not dial down- rather, they crank it up to 11.
Indeed, there is definitely a step forward in the amount and type of violence in movies nowadays- I noticed it in 'The Watchmen' and 'Book of Eli'...movie violence is at a whole new level. Before, violence was fed to us through the genius of editing. The would show us what was going to happen, and then they would flash to another scene with what they wanted us to believe had happened. Now though? Decapitations, biting, explosions, shark attacks- you name it, it's happening in the same scene, no editing tricks. Pretty CG, but getting better.
Little bit of a tangent...bringing it back now.
Where was I? Oh yeah- an 80's movie in 2010. Not a good combo. You realize that the 80's movies were just ridiculous. Plots were terrible, writing was bad, action was over the top- obviously I wasn't in my early 30's back then, so I don't know if grown-ups thought those movies were ultra cool. I hope not- because if that generation of 30-somethings had that bad of taste, and passed that bad taste on to my generation- then we as a society are perpetuating a cycle of bad taste that could threaten all legitimate art and culture as we know it.
Now let me clarify- I had a great time, and as far as a man movie goes- it was a man movie. There was action and swearing (Bruce Willis dropped 4 F-bombs, which is twice the amount he was probably paid for) and a knife throwing competition and cheesy one-liners and tattoos- the only thing missing was sex.
But if you're looking for a movie with any substance- then you might say this this movie is...expendable (I don't know if that was a good joke, but I had to use it at some point, and I'm panicking because I don't know if another opportunity will present itself). The story is virtually non-existant, the dialogue is terrible, and the heroes are way too cool for school.
At one juncture, Jason Stathams character takes his ex-girlfriend on a motorcycle ride and drives by the guy she left Statham for (who happened to have just given her a black eye), who is playing basketball with some buds. Statham proceeds to kick the asses of all 6 dudes, and then whips out a switchblade and stabs the basketball while it lays prone on Mr. Abusers chest...then makes a remark about how she should have stayed with Statham. Oh yeah, sure- I just got out of one abusive relationship, and I'm supposed to feel better about our former relationship? YOU JUST KICKED THE ASS OF THE GUY THAT BEAT ME- AND LIKE 5 OF HIS BUDDIES- AND ALSO, YOU CARRY A SWITCHBLADE??? Yeah, no anger issues there pal. There is no way that the 80's were this ridiculous...were they?
But the best part was at the end, after the team of like 5 dudes takes out the army of bad guys- and Stone Cold- and the main villain, and after they blew up the palace (jeez guys...you're only getting paid $5 millions dollars for this mission, you might want to scale back on the amount of C-4 you're using, that stuff ain't cheap)- the daughter of the (deceased) general says to Sly Stallone as he is about to fly off into the sunset "Thank you for helping us".
Yeah. Thanks for helping us. Our little island country now has no military. We have no government infrastructure. The palace is destroyed. Our cash crop is an unnamed drug that attracted the bad dudes in the first place. So basically you "saved" our country by destroying everything that we need to make it not collapse in on itself. But thank you for what you've done! And now you get to go back to America and cash in on your millions and sit around and drink alcohol and throw knives in a tattoo parlor while our people end up living in caves and solving disputes like on Lord of the Flies.
Folks- forget about 2012- if the 1980's are allowed to continue to make a comeback, the world may end well before then. It's up to us, the informed, to take a stand. The 1980's died once. Let's keep it that way.
Eulogy
Most of you probably don't know this, because you were too busy living your lives...there was a terrible tragedy in the NFL this past Sunday. I have it on good authority that Ryan Grant of the Green Bay Packers was killed during his game with the Philadelphia Eagles. On a seemingly innocent run up the middle, Grant was tackled and instantly disintegrated at the exact second that he spontaneously combusted which also happened during an attack by Alien snipers on him as he swallowed a cyanide capsule while he was being struck by lightning. Also, he was suffering from Ebola and whatever that disease on 'Outbreak' was. The end.
Wait, what's that? My source was wrong? He only suffered a season ending ankle injury? So he's not dead?
"Bring out yer dead"
I'm not dead- look, I'm limping, I'm just limping! It's the North Michigan Snow Flurries that are dead!
Well don't tell my fantasy team that- because as far as they are concerned, Grant is in the after-life. Not heaven, nor hell...not even purgatory. No, something far, far more sinister in the realm of fantasy football: Injured Reserve.
When I saw that red IR next to his name on the 'My Team' tab, I knew that the North Michigan Snow Flurries were going to be devastated, and so I had to think fast. I couldn't just tell them that he suffered an injury- after all, my team psyche is fragile right now. Last season, we suffered from a serious case of snake bite. My team believes that they are cursed. We lost three running backs (two of which are on my team this year) and two tight ends to season-ending injury last year- the last thing I need to tell them is that our top draft pick couldn't even make it through the first half of the first game.
Team morale is at an all-time low, so I couldn't just walk in to our Monday morning meeting and tell them what really happened- so I came up with a story. The truth won't really matter to them- whether Grant is dead or on injured reserve, the outcome is still the same- my Three Amigos (as I am going to start calling my running backs in order to lift their spirits) will have to split time in the backfield, and I'm counting on my wide receivers to pick up some slack as well. Sometimes you have to slant the truth slightly for the greater good. You may vilify me now, but I believe that history will redeem me. Of course, it's possible that history will vilify me.
I think it's too early to write off the season- I mean, I only lost by 27 on opening night, and if I would have made different roster moves, I could have lost by much less. I recall that last seasons Snow Flurries opened 0-2 before rallying to finish 6-7 with a glorious flame-out in the first round of the playoffs. There is still a lot of football to be played! (or, in the case of Ryan Grant, a lot of Mai Tai's to be sipped while sitting by the side of a pool doing "rehab")
So we play on. We brave (and purposely mislead) few play on, in memory of our fallen comrade. The Snow Flurries are dead- long live the Snow Flurries!
It turns out your fantasy season is only MOSTLY dead. With mostly dead- it's slightly alive. With all dead...well, there's only one thing you can do with all dead- make a bunch of lopsided trades to your closest friends.
Wait, what's that? My source was wrong? He only suffered a season ending ankle injury? So he's not dead?
"Bring out yer dead"
I'm not dead- look, I'm limping, I'm just limping! It's the North Michigan Snow Flurries that are dead!
Well don't tell my fantasy team that- because as far as they are concerned, Grant is in the after-life. Not heaven, nor hell...not even purgatory. No, something far, far more sinister in the realm of fantasy football: Injured Reserve.
When I saw that red IR next to his name on the 'My Team' tab, I knew that the North Michigan Snow Flurries were going to be devastated, and so I had to think fast. I couldn't just tell them that he suffered an injury- after all, my team psyche is fragile right now. Last season, we suffered from a serious case of snake bite. My team believes that they are cursed. We lost three running backs (two of which are on my team this year) and two tight ends to season-ending injury last year- the last thing I need to tell them is that our top draft pick couldn't even make it through the first half of the first game.
Team morale is at an all-time low, so I couldn't just walk in to our Monday morning meeting and tell them what really happened- so I came up with a story. The truth won't really matter to them- whether Grant is dead or on injured reserve, the outcome is still the same- my Three Amigos (as I am going to start calling my running backs in order to lift their spirits) will have to split time in the backfield, and I'm counting on my wide receivers to pick up some slack as well. Sometimes you have to slant the truth slightly for the greater good. You may vilify me now, but I believe that history will redeem me. Of course, it's possible that history will vilify me.
I think it's too early to write off the season- I mean, I only lost by 27 on opening night, and if I would have made different roster moves, I could have lost by much less. I recall that last seasons Snow Flurries opened 0-2 before rallying to finish 6-7 with a glorious flame-out in the first round of the playoffs. There is still a lot of football to be played! (or, in the case of Ryan Grant, a lot of Mai Tai's to be sipped while sitting by the side of a pool doing "rehab")
So we play on. We brave (and purposely mislead) few play on, in memory of our fallen comrade. The Snow Flurries are dead- long live the Snow Flurries!
It turns out your fantasy season is only MOSTLY dead. With mostly dead- it's slightly alive. With all dead...well, there's only one thing you can do with all dead- make a bunch of lopsided trades to your closest friends.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
It's all part of my football fantasy
The most wonderful time of the year. For some, it's Christmas. Others enjoy a return to school. A third group beams at the prospect of some other thing. But for the average American male, there is that special heart place reserved for The Sport That I Used To Call 'Football' But Now Cannot Because I Started Watching REAL Football And I Cannot Live With Two Footballs. I'm not sure what to call it now- Throwball? Run/tackleball? Kick/throw/runball? I don't know. Complexball? As the season progress, I hope to have answers.
As the real season starts, the REAL real season starts- Fantasy season. That's right. All of those games that we watch on TV serve merely to feed our obsession, our need that is Fantasy sports. So many of us will never ever sniff glory in any area of our lives- but Fantasy sports gives us a chance to succeed, to out-do our competitors, and we get to do this through millionaire youngsters who play sports for a living. I suppose objectively it's a sick, sick fantasy realm. And I LOVE IT.
We did our draft today. And like any good blogger worth his weight in hot air, I'm going to bring you a detailed synopsis of that draft. Luckily, you don't have anything that is much more exciting than this. And if you do...you'll be back. My blog is like a drug. Or a train wreck. Maybe it's like a drug train wreck, and the combination of it being a train wreck and all the narcotics and hallucinogens in the air serve to grab your attention and get you hooked for life. Maybe I just need more rest.
First of all, this is a list of the players I drafted last year, and a brief note on why they will/won't be a Snow Flurry in 2010. One thing that really popped out at me is that I'm fiercely loyal. If you succeed for me, I will go to the ends of the Earth (or at least, the later rounds of a fantasy draft) for you. If you let me down- you are dead to me (unless you come at a significant bargain).
Keepers:
Donovan McNabb- if he hadn't been traded to the Redskins, I would have kept him. As it is, I couldn't justify keeping a QB in his 30's starting over with a new team that isn't all that.
Michael Turner- Full time feature backs don't just grow on trees, so I definitely kept this guy.
1- Randy Moss, WR- Picked first in our draft, never had a shot at him.
2- Laurence Maroney, RB- Let me down last year. No way.
3- Ryan Grant, RB- Redraft.
4- Ted Ginn Jr., WR- Sorry man- his name might as well not even been on the list.
5- Ben Roethlisberger, QB- This is why video games are so much better than real life. In a video game, if I had Donovan McNabb and Ben Roethlisberger at QB, I would be all set for like 15 years. Unfortunately, in real life McNabb gets traded and Big Ben decides that bumping uglies is his off-season hobby. As a result, he is suspended for the first 4 games of the season- which is like a third of the fantasy season. Plus...the Snow Flurries are a class act. We don't mess around with bad character guys.
6- Terrell Owens, WR- I like taking risks...but not this much. Sorry T.O.
7- Chad Ochocinco, WR- I really thought about picking him- in the end, I took some risks on some young guys and just couldn't find a spot in the draft where I felt like I couldn't get better value than #85. I'm probably not as loyal as I like to think.
8- Ronnie Brown, RB- I picked Brown because I'm more loyal than I give myself credit for.
9- Colts D- Didn't even come on the radar.
10- Titans D- Didn't even come on the radar of things that don't come on the radar.
11- Owen Daniels, TE- Owen got picked before I could snag him- I definitely thought about it though. Of course, I couldn't justify spending a pick on a TE with an injury history.
12- Kerry Collins, QB- Now that our league is back to 1 QB starting, there is no reason to search for back-ups like Kerry.
13- Chris Cooley, TE- Chris, thanks for the memories. But not this year.
14- Michael Crabtree, WR- Hey, he's a young kid- why not give him a second chance?
15- Adam Vinateri, K- Is he even playing this year?
16- Michael Jenkins, WR- Nope.
17- Justin Fargas, RB- Nope.
So now that I've thoroughly confused you, and possibly bored you...let's get onto the main event- my 2010 draft!!!
(Note- each tidbit of info on my 2010 draft class comes with their 2009 stats, which like any good, self-respecting fantasy owner would not do, weren't looked up until after my draft).
Keepers-
RB Michael Turner- 871 yards rushing, 10 TD
He got hurt last season, but there aren't many teams nowadays that have a bell-cow back- and Turner is one of those guys. Plus, all of the other bell-cow guys were already on rosters as keepers.
QB Tony Romo-4,483 yards passing, 26 TD passes
The Lord giveth- after the season, every team got a chance to pick their two keepers, and all other players went into the pool. I decided to keep only Turner (dropping Austin, Calvin Johnson, McNabb, and Big Ben, among others). I decided against keeping McNabb and Big Ben for reasons outlined above. I forgot that I had Calvin Johnson (which isn't the worst thing, actually). And I'm honestly not 100% convinced that Austin wasn't a flash in the pan. I hope I'm wrong...but if I'm not then at least I got the QB that will help keep him there- and in this sport, it's better to have a great QB than a great WR.
1- RB Ryan Grant- 1,253 yards rushing, 11 TD, 197 yards receiving, 0 TD
Green Bay looks like they might have the best offense in the history of ever. Maybe not that good...but they'll be explosive. Why not get the guy that figures to carry the bulk of their rushing load?
2- WR Steve Smith (NYG)- 1,220 yards receiving, 7 TD
Even though Smith was much better the 1st half of last season, I honestly believe that a full season of him and a healthy Eli will lead to an excellent season. It better- I can't really afford to whiff with my #2 pick for 2 years in a row.
3- TE JerMichael Finley- 676 yards receiving, 5 TD
This guy was banged up at times last year. When he was healthy? He was unstoppable. I'm really excited about what this Finley is going to bring to the Snow Flurries this year.
4- WR Michael Crabtree- 625 yards receiving, 2 TD
I think that this guy is going to be a stud. He's not the rookie hold-out anymore.
5- WR Dwayne Bowe- 589 yards receiving, 4 TD
Best moment of the draft for me was when I drafted Bowe literally 1 pick before Josh (Team Bullies owner) did...and completely shook him. They say that doesn't happen. So even if it was just for one pick, one moment in time on a chilly September afternoon- I was the best drafter in the room. Of course, if Bowe comes out and lays a goose-egg...then I will come back and edit this post.
6- RB Ronnie Brown- 648 yards rushing, 8 TD, 1 passing TD
Possibly a reach...maybe too high to draft a running back that has an injury history (including last year). But he doesn't have to be a starter for me- and I feel like as a back-up RB he has huge upside, because he is a proven commodity with a lot of talent.
7- Ravens Defense- Do they still have Ed Reed? If so, then they'll be awesome in the fantasy format.
8- WR Mohammed Massaquoi- 624 yards receiving, 3 TD
Really this is the first pick of my newly formed drafting philosophy. I could have taken a 3rd guy from the Saints, or the Colts...and had the occasional huge outing sprinkled in a sea of so-so ones. OR...I could take the absolute best from a crappy team. Sort of like with Brown (but minus the proven commodity part), I took a risk here that should be nothing but pay-off. I have my starting WRs, so anything this guy gives me is gravy.
9- QB Chad Henne- 2,878 yards passing, 12 TD passes
I think Henne is going to be an at-worst solid, at-best very good QB. The good news for me is that with Romo, I'm not going to need Henne to be the second coming of Dan Marino...I just need him to not be the second coming of Ryan Leaf.
10-RB Darren McFadden- 357 yards rushing, 1 TD, 245 yards receiving
Seriously, this is going to be an ongoing theme here- I feel very very confident in the ability of my starters, so I felt like I could take some flyers on guys that could potentially have some serious impact...or at the very least, put up acceptable stats for bad teams. McFadden is that guy.
11-TE Dustin Keller- 522 yards receiving, 2 TD
I am pretty sure that this guy had a great playoff run with the Jets...which is why I drafted him. Of course, it's possible that it was a different guy that had a great playoffs with the Jets, and this was just the guy that had his name on the draft list. Whatever- I drafted him.
12-Bears Defense- Hey, 2 games against the Lions should make this defense worth it, right?
13-WR TJ Houshimanzada 911 yards receiving, 3 TD
(I don't think I'm spelling that right. At all.)- I knew he was going to get traded or cut when I drafted him- which he did end up getting cut. I feel like this pick is extremely low-risk/high reward though, which is exactly the same situation as the real life team that picks him up is in. In real life, a team can sign him for about $850,000 (with the Seahawks pitching in the rest of his $5 or $6 million salary)- which is a steal for a guy who has played at a Pro-Bowl level very recently. Meanwhile, a 13th round pick for a back-up WR is not much to spend on a guy that could end up starting and being a #2 receiver (which might be a little hopeful...but even if he doesn't get there, he's still just a 13th round pick!).
14-K Lawrence Tynes- 27/32 FG, 45/45 XP
I just had to make sure that his name wasn't Nick Folk, and that he was in no way, shape, or form associated with or existed in a former life as Nick Folk.
15-WR Donnie Avery- On our list of 80+ WRs, he was the only guy from St. Louis- which to me means that he's going to be the guy for a crappy team. Just perfect for my drafting philosophy.
16-RB Jason Snelling- 613 yards rushing, 4 TD, 259 yards receiving, 1 TD
A bit of a safe pick, Snelling is the back-up to Turner...so I figured I'd protect my investment a little bit.
All in all, I don't think that I have a championship team on paper...but I think that on paper, I have a playoff team. And if my risky picks pay off? Then I could probably be a devastating force. It should be fun- It will be stressful- and perhaps most importantly of all, it is a wonderful time of the year.
As the real season starts, the REAL real season starts- Fantasy season. That's right. All of those games that we watch on TV serve merely to feed our obsession, our need that is Fantasy sports. So many of us will never ever sniff glory in any area of our lives- but Fantasy sports gives us a chance to succeed, to out-do our competitors, and we get to do this through millionaire youngsters who play sports for a living. I suppose objectively it's a sick, sick fantasy realm. And I LOVE IT.
We did our draft today. And like any good blogger worth his weight in hot air, I'm going to bring you a detailed synopsis of that draft. Luckily, you don't have anything that is much more exciting than this. And if you do...you'll be back. My blog is like a drug. Or a train wreck. Maybe it's like a drug train wreck, and the combination of it being a train wreck and all the narcotics and hallucinogens in the air serve to grab your attention and get you hooked for life. Maybe I just need more rest.
First of all, this is a list of the players I drafted last year, and a brief note on why they will/won't be a Snow Flurry in 2010. One thing that really popped out at me is that I'm fiercely loyal. If you succeed for me, I will go to the ends of the Earth (or at least, the later rounds of a fantasy draft) for you. If you let me down- you are dead to me (unless you come at a significant bargain).
Keepers:
Donovan McNabb- if he hadn't been traded to the Redskins, I would have kept him. As it is, I couldn't justify keeping a QB in his 30's starting over with a new team that isn't all that.
Michael Turner- Full time feature backs don't just grow on trees, so I definitely kept this guy.
1- Randy Moss, WR- Picked first in our draft, never had a shot at him.
2- Laurence Maroney, RB- Let me down last year. No way.
3- Ryan Grant, RB- Redraft.
4- Ted Ginn Jr., WR- Sorry man- his name might as well not even been on the list.
5- Ben Roethlisberger, QB- This is why video games are so much better than real life. In a video game, if I had Donovan McNabb and Ben Roethlisberger at QB, I would be all set for like 15 years. Unfortunately, in real life McNabb gets traded and Big Ben decides that bumping uglies is his off-season hobby. As a result, he is suspended for the first 4 games of the season- which is like a third of the fantasy season. Plus...the Snow Flurries are a class act. We don't mess around with bad character guys.
6- Terrell Owens, WR- I like taking risks...but not this much. Sorry T.O.
7- Chad Ochocinco, WR- I really thought about picking him- in the end, I took some risks on some young guys and just couldn't find a spot in the draft where I felt like I couldn't get better value than #85. I'm probably not as loyal as I like to think.
8- Ronnie Brown, RB- I picked Brown because I'm more loyal than I give myself credit for.
9- Colts D- Didn't even come on the radar.
10- Titans D- Didn't even come on the radar of things that don't come on the radar.
11- Owen Daniels, TE- Owen got picked before I could snag him- I definitely thought about it though. Of course, I couldn't justify spending a pick on a TE with an injury history.
12- Kerry Collins, QB- Now that our league is back to 1 QB starting, there is no reason to search for back-ups like Kerry.
13- Chris Cooley, TE- Chris, thanks for the memories. But not this year.
14- Michael Crabtree, WR- Hey, he's a young kid- why not give him a second chance?
15- Adam Vinateri, K- Is he even playing this year?
16- Michael Jenkins, WR- Nope.
17- Justin Fargas, RB- Nope.
So now that I've thoroughly confused you, and possibly bored you...let's get onto the main event- my 2010 draft!!!
(Note- each tidbit of info on my 2010 draft class comes with their 2009 stats, which like any good, self-respecting fantasy owner would not do, weren't looked up until after my draft).
Keepers-
RB Michael Turner- 871 yards rushing, 10 TD
He got hurt last season, but there aren't many teams nowadays that have a bell-cow back- and Turner is one of those guys. Plus, all of the other bell-cow guys were already on rosters as keepers.
QB Tony Romo-4,483 yards passing, 26 TD passes
The Lord giveth- after the season, every team got a chance to pick their two keepers, and all other players went into the pool. I decided to keep only Turner (dropping Austin, Calvin Johnson, McNabb, and Big Ben, among others). I decided against keeping McNabb and Big Ben for reasons outlined above. I forgot that I had Calvin Johnson (which isn't the worst thing, actually). And I'm honestly not 100% convinced that Austin wasn't a flash in the pan. I hope I'm wrong...but if I'm not then at least I got the QB that will help keep him there- and in this sport, it's better to have a great QB than a great WR.
1- RB Ryan Grant- 1,253 yards rushing, 11 TD, 197 yards receiving, 0 TD
Green Bay looks like they might have the best offense in the history of ever. Maybe not that good...but they'll be explosive. Why not get the guy that figures to carry the bulk of their rushing load?
2- WR Steve Smith (NYG)- 1,220 yards receiving, 7 TD
Even though Smith was much better the 1st half of last season, I honestly believe that a full season of him and a healthy Eli will lead to an excellent season. It better- I can't really afford to whiff with my #2 pick for 2 years in a row.
3- TE JerMichael Finley- 676 yards receiving, 5 TD
This guy was banged up at times last year. When he was healthy? He was unstoppable. I'm really excited about what this Finley is going to bring to the Snow Flurries this year.
4- WR Michael Crabtree- 625 yards receiving, 2 TD
I think that this guy is going to be a stud. He's not the rookie hold-out anymore.
5- WR Dwayne Bowe- 589 yards receiving, 4 TD
Best moment of the draft for me was when I drafted Bowe literally 1 pick before Josh (Team Bullies owner) did...and completely shook him. They say that doesn't happen. So even if it was just for one pick, one moment in time on a chilly September afternoon- I was the best drafter in the room. Of course, if Bowe comes out and lays a goose-egg...then I will come back and edit this post.
6- RB Ronnie Brown- 648 yards rushing, 8 TD, 1 passing TD
Possibly a reach...maybe too high to draft a running back that has an injury history (including last year). But he doesn't have to be a starter for me- and I feel like as a back-up RB he has huge upside, because he is a proven commodity with a lot of talent.
7- Ravens Defense- Do they still have Ed Reed? If so, then they'll be awesome in the fantasy format.
8- WR Mohammed Massaquoi- 624 yards receiving, 3 TD
Really this is the first pick of my newly formed drafting philosophy. I could have taken a 3rd guy from the Saints, or the Colts...and had the occasional huge outing sprinkled in a sea of so-so ones. OR...I could take the absolute best from a crappy team. Sort of like with Brown (but minus the proven commodity part), I took a risk here that should be nothing but pay-off. I have my starting WRs, so anything this guy gives me is gravy.
9- QB Chad Henne- 2,878 yards passing, 12 TD passes
I think Henne is going to be an at-worst solid, at-best very good QB. The good news for me is that with Romo, I'm not going to need Henne to be the second coming of Dan Marino...I just need him to not be the second coming of Ryan Leaf.
10-RB Darren McFadden- 357 yards rushing, 1 TD, 245 yards receiving
Seriously, this is going to be an ongoing theme here- I feel very very confident in the ability of my starters, so I felt like I could take some flyers on guys that could potentially have some serious impact...or at the very least, put up acceptable stats for bad teams. McFadden is that guy.
11-TE Dustin Keller- 522 yards receiving, 2 TD
I am pretty sure that this guy had a great playoff run with the Jets...which is why I drafted him. Of course, it's possible that it was a different guy that had a great playoffs with the Jets, and this was just the guy that had his name on the draft list. Whatever- I drafted him.
12-Bears Defense- Hey, 2 games against the Lions should make this defense worth it, right?
13-WR TJ Houshimanzada 911 yards receiving, 3 TD
(I don't think I'm spelling that right. At all.)- I knew he was going to get traded or cut when I drafted him- which he did end up getting cut. I feel like this pick is extremely low-risk/high reward though, which is exactly the same situation as the real life team that picks him up is in. In real life, a team can sign him for about $850,000 (with the Seahawks pitching in the rest of his $5 or $6 million salary)- which is a steal for a guy who has played at a Pro-Bowl level very recently. Meanwhile, a 13th round pick for a back-up WR is not much to spend on a guy that could end up starting and being a #2 receiver (which might be a little hopeful...but even if he doesn't get there, he's still just a 13th round pick!).
14-K Lawrence Tynes- 27/32 FG, 45/45 XP
I just had to make sure that his name wasn't Nick Folk, and that he was in no way, shape, or form associated with or existed in a former life as Nick Folk.
15-WR Donnie Avery- On our list of 80+ WRs, he was the only guy from St. Louis- which to me means that he's going to be the guy for a crappy team. Just perfect for my drafting philosophy.
16-RB Jason Snelling- 613 yards rushing, 4 TD, 259 yards receiving, 1 TD
A bit of a safe pick, Snelling is the back-up to Turner...so I figured I'd protect my investment a little bit.
All in all, I don't think that I have a championship team on paper...but I think that on paper, I have a playoff team. And if my risky picks pay off? Then I could probably be a devastating force. It should be fun- It will be stressful- and perhaps most importantly of all, it is a wonderful time of the year.
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