Nomad noses

This goes out to Phil. You know who you are.

Surprise! America is in the news (once again) for intruding on the business of other nations- this time for (once again) trying to play the part of Middle East peace keeper. Admittedly, I will be spewing more rhetoric than research here, but sometimes you just need to speak from the heart. Or the gut. Or whatever body part that these things come from (evidence is probably inconclusive. I vote gut).

I didn't look up specifics, but every president I can remember has tried to earn his stripes in the Middle East Peace arena. It must be some hidden part of the Oath of Office- I, state your name, do solemnly swear to try and make the nations of the Middle East kiss and make up. That's the only possible reason that I can think of (other than the hope of future deals on gasoline) to consistently trying to get involved in an arena that we really don't belong in.

It's completely ridiculous. It's beyond absurd. Who do we think we are, anyways? Who appointed us to be the Green Lantern Corps of Earth? I think someone may have spiked our Manifest Destiny because now we're all stumbling around with beer goggles trying to challenge any country that gets in our path.

So what's the big deal? Why shouldn't we try and fix the problems of the world- we're America, dammit!!!

There's a significant ideological gap that we stubbornly seem to think is either inconsequential or is going to go away. It would almost be like having the mediator of the NFL lockout be a woman who hates football (stereotype, I know, I know) and big business. No matter how good or noble her intentions may be, she's probably not going to be able look at both sides of the issue. She doesn't side with the football players because football kidnaps her husband every weekend. And she doesn't side with the owners, because they're billionaires. What does this leave us with? NO FOOTBALL.

It's tough to take yourself out of the equation. When those presidents go over there and do their little song and dance- well, aside from not being able to truly understand what the issues/ramifications of whatever proposal they conjured up are, the question is if they can truly put aside the needs and wants of their own nation in this? Is it possible to put together an objective peace plan for another country? Surely our own interests muddy things up just a little bit. There's just no way that in our global society a country can selflessly help two other countries work out a peace agreement without taking itself into consideration.

Plus, we aren't exactly Thelma and Louise with the Middle East. They don't trust us. They don't like us (putting it nicely). They burn our flags in the streets. If they held an American Idol in the Middle East, except the singers symbolized countries that you liked, America would be systematically destroyed. Simon would issue his most scathing rebuke ever, Randy would say something about our yo dog- even Paula wouldn't be able to find something nice to say about us. We definitely wouldn't get to Hollywood and Ryan Seacrest would punch us in the nose, kick us in the gut, and then point a loaded weapon right at our face. I really hope that the producers on FOX aren't reading this- I'd hate to give them any ideas.

Looking at the state of our country right now, I think that the last thing President Obama should be doing is fronting any sort of Middle East peace talks. We have more than enough problems on the home front to keep the Commander-in-Chief busy. But then again, maybe that's why our presidents try to do things like this. It's like the guy who works all the time because he doesn't want to go home and deal with all the drama. Or the woman who is quick to try and solve the problems of her friends so that she doesn't have to think about her lazy unfaithful husband. It's more work to solve our own problems, and it reflects more poorly on us when we fail. So we go off and try to be Mr. Fixit for someone else. It's much easier to live in Pretend Land than it is in Realityville.

There's a reason that grown-ups tell us to keep our noses out of other peoples business. Eventually, somebody will let a big fart and you will have a choice to make. Do you smell it, and thus claim dealership? Or do you suffer in silence? That was a terrible analogy, but you get my point. We should stick to smelling our own farts (which can, at times, be moderately pleasant). And as the United States of America, we should keep out of other countries' dirty laundry. Let Israel and Palestine figure it out on their own. And if things get too escalated- well, isn't that what the UN is for? (Actually, what is the UN for?)

(I'm supposed to say something about child leashes too. So there. I said it. Obligation- fulfilled. Or should I say...fulPhil'd).