Happy International Blasphemy Day!

Thanks to tumblr and Google, I learned something new today.  And let me tell you, what a relief!  I haven't learned anything new in like a week, and I was afraid that I was just going to have to throw in the learning towel and go live in Mississippi. 

Anyways, one of my tumblr peeps posted a picture of a piece of poop with a halo and tagged it #international blasphemy day.  Curiosity piqued, I went and googled it.  And I learned what International Blasphemy Day is all about.  The end.

If you want to read about it for yourselves, go here.  If you just like to have someone tell you what to think, then allow me to explain it in simple terms- INTERNATIONAL BLASPHEMY DAY IS TEH DEVUL!!!1!!!

It started as a protest over some Muslim fall-out over some anti-Muhammad cartoons published in a Danish newspaper.  I didn't know that the Danish made newspapers- I thought they just made delicious fruit-filled pastries.  Seriously, it actually sounds like a worthwhile cause.  I actually have no problems with this the observation of this day- for 3 reasons:

1) I believe strongly in freedom of speech and freedom of religion
Whether you believe that we were created as free-willed moral agents or just monkeys that evolved higher consciousness, you should at least agree that each person should have the right to speak their mind and believe what they want to believe.  And if not, then just get out.  Leave.  Right now.

Now obviously there is (I believe) a need for people to have educated opinions and beliefs- but that doesn't mean that I believe people should have conditional rights in these areas. 

The International Blasphemy Day is "a day to support free speech, support the right to criticize and satirize religion, and to oppose any resolutions or laws, binding or otherwise, that discourage or inhibit free speech of any kind" (from that one site that I linked that you probably didn't read).  Will some people will probably take it too far into the offensive realm?  Sure.  But I believe that there are other people that look from the outside in and are able to see the flaws in our religious belief systems that most of us are too close to see.  When we censor the ability of people to do this, we will definitely cut out the annoying squeaky wheels of opposition.  But we'll also eliminate the voices of those who can help us to develop a more meaningful faith system by causing us to take stock of what our faith system looks like.

2) Blasphemy is largely (in my opinion) a socially constructed issue.
In The Count of Monte Cristo, Colonel Villefort says this great line to his son when they learn of Napolean's escape from Alba- "Treason is all a matter of dates".  I feel the same way about blasphemy.  Things that some people in other countries find deathly offensive are run-of-the-mill jokes on our television channels.  Things that get our blood boiling might cause endorphin release for someone else. 

To me, blasphemy is strongly related to the idea of the God Card.  Did you ever play Rock/Paper/Scissors- and have some snot nosed, brat-faced kid come up with The Nuke?  So you have Paper covering Rock, Rock smashing Scissors, Scissors cutting Paper, and The Nuke just blowing everything to smithereens?  How is that fair?  You cheated!  I hate this game, it sucks- leave me alone mom!!!!

And we're back.

That's the God Card.  It's the card we play when we want to win an argument or make our actions above reproach in our minds.  Quit a job?  "God told me to do it".  Get a divorce?  "After our argument, Jon and Kate came on...it was a sign...".  Blow up an abortion clinic?  "God said 'Git 'er done".  Wife who committed adultery?  "Everybody must get stoned".

Blasphemy is the tool of the God Card.  The God Card gets played, and if it is not adhered to, then the next step is the Blasphemy Bloody Knuckles. Blasphemy in my mind is mostly about maintaining order and the status quo.  It keeps people in line and stops them from forcing certain issues or pressing into new territory out of fear of the social repercussions.

The problem, as I alluded to before, is that blasphemy is just a matter of dates.  Because eventually someone comes along that successfully challenges the powers that be and changes the mold.  They called Jesus a blasphemer.  Said the same about Galileo and Martin Luther.  And yet, these three men played significant roles in upsetting the preheld notions and causing social revolution.  Because people eventually realized that they had valuable things to say, regardless of how much they had rocked the boat.

3) Blasphemy is more of an attitude of the heart than an act of the flesh.
I push the envelope.  Or is it that I use envelopes?  I can never remember.

Ask my wife or those who get close enough to get past my facade.  I say things that might be considered to be risque'.  Nothing too crazy, mind you- but things that would probably cause some people to turn their heads, raise their eyebrows, and shoot me with the hate rays.

I was talking to a friend last winter about this.  We had just got done sharing a laugh about something outrageous and probably inappropriate.  Looking back, I'm thankful that we weren't been struck by lightning.  After our laughter subsided, a legitimate discussion was sparked and we came to the conclusion that blasphemy is much more of a heart condition than it is one of outward actions.  I think that God understands that when I say things, I'm not saying them out of a spiteful rebellion.  I think He knows that I love to find humor in situations where humor might not be apparent.  I think He realizes that He created me this way, and I'm not an asset that He's ready to liquidate quite yet.  I'm kind of banking on that, actually.

Look at how Jesus spoke to the pharisees- they did and said all the 'right' things, and yet Jesus treated them with the kind of contempt one might normally reserve for the New York Yankees.  His disciples picked grain on the Sabbath and he was cool with that.  This tells me that the Jesus Justice scale isn't calibrated to ours.  Could it be that God looks at our hearts and not our outward actions?  I feel like I've read that somewhere....

Oh wait.  I have.  It's in the Bible.



When it's all said and done, we need people in this world who are brave enough to confront the ideas and beliefs of the majority- no matter what those ideas might be.  Challenge can bring discovery which can bring change which can lead to health, happiness, and hope.  Obviously some people will blaspheme just to push buttons and to be idiots- but some religious people just try to push buttons and to be idiots.  See?  We aren't so different. 

Let us never be so afraid to question that which we hold to be so infallibly true that we devalue the existence of those who do not feel the same way.  We can hold our beliefs tightly without losing a grip on our shared humanity.  And if we loosen up a little and look at things from a different window- well, we might see things in a new light that strengthens our faith and makes us better people.  I call that:

PIC- Dogs- http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/10/6/128677868549452426.jpg
Sheen- http://www.twisted-news.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Charlie-Sheen-Winning.jpg

My wife, the awesome

I had a talk with a friend a couple weeks ago, and he told me he respects Sara and I for how we've been able to raise a family while both attending school.  Because our lives have been (and probably always will be) abnormal, I forget that the typical college student is not married and does not have two children who are five years old and under.  It's easy to lose sight of how well we're doing, and it was timely praise that I was very humbled to hear.  To the folks keeping score at home-  if you have a compliment for someone, then tell them and don't just assume that they see what you see or believe what you believe.

I am not bringing this up to boost my ego- Lord knows I don't need anymore of that action!  Nor am I posting this because I want you to buy my book.  I don't even have a book.  Besides, you already bought it.

No, I want to talk a little bit about how awesome my wife is.  She's probably going to kill me for posting this- and that is one reason why she's awesome.  Seriously though, Sara doesn't get accolades that she deserves.  A big reason for this is that we live in a patriarchal society that general reserves the most praise for tangible, bottom-line driven results.  When raising children, your successes are often unquantifiable.  In business terms, you are pretty much 'operating in the red' for...well, at least the first five years. Maybe longer....

So why is she so awesome?  Well I'm going to tell you.  I'm going to give you a list of reasons why my wife is awesome.  I'm going to use the word 'awesome' so many times that you're going to get sick of it.  You will become numb to the word 'awesome' and it will lose all meaning.  You'll drift through time and space until finally you are reborn as a white wizard- or something.

Yeah, they used to call me Gandalf the Grey...TIL I BECAME GANDALF THE AWESOME

Roll call.  My wife is awesome because:

1. She loves me for who I am and allows me the freedom to explore my boundaries.  I've never felt I had to fit a certain image.  I've never been pressured to be a certain way, or to scale back.  That doesn't mean I haven't changed, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't challenge me on things.  But I've never felt like I had to fit into this box or that demographic.  I've been allowed to explore myself to the very depths of my soul.  I've been able to say things and write things that pushed envelopes- things that have allowed me to discover more about my humanity.  I wouldn't be able to do this without her.
2. My wife is awesome because she's just as open-minded as I am.  We both know that life is complex.  Neither of us has all the answers.  And so we constantly push each other, question each other, and challenge our pre-conceived notions in order to continue our growth as people. 
3. If I can wax a little materialistic here, my last two Christmas presents have been a smart phone and a laptop.  That's fricking awesome.  For my birthday last year she bought me Street Fighter IV and a new PS3 controller.  That's fricking awesomer. 
4. She puts up with me.  As awesome as I am, I'm also not the easiest guy to stomach for long periods of time.  I can be selfish, irritating, and moody.  I tend to zone out on stupid things like the Internet and sports.  Sure, I do things around the house like dishes and laundry- but I pretty much steer clear of cleaning the bathroom and cooking (which, ironically, are two of my favorite places).  Lesser women would not be able to endure the sheer weight of my insufferability or have the patience to stomach my idiosyncrasies.     
5. She is an awesome mom. She's very tender and doting with our kids.  They love it when she comes home from class- their faces light up, the cheer in their voices goes up an octave or two, and they immediately go into hiding (inside story).  They shower her with love when she tries to nap on the couch (sorry hon).  I couldn't ask for a better mother to my children- not publicly, anyways.
6. KIDDING 
7. Now here's the thing- she's an awesome wife and an awesome mother.  I'm sure there are lots of awesome wives who happen to be awesome moms too.  So why the blog post? 
8. Because she is not just an awesome wife/mom combo- but she is an awesome wife/mom AND a full-time college student who is in the music program.  Being a full-time college student is a work-load all to itself.  In addition to going to class, you are expected to do reading, research, papers, and other various assignments throughout the week.  Throw in the whole 'mother to three children' thing (not a typo), and it makes it even more of a feat.  But then you take into consideration that she's a music major, and you really start to appreciate the tremendous sacrifices that she makes.
9. I want to expand on the sentence that I left off on in #8 while adding another paragraph (and thus, another number).  I feel that even if I say all of the right things, it won't mean anything if my list is short.  If there aren't many numbers on my list, it will look like I'm a compliment cheapskate.  That usually equals sofa time.  Which is kind of like Hammer time, but without the stair steps and pants-by-the-yard.



Obviously when you said "Can't touch this", you were talking about your legs.  Because there's no way that anyone is finding legs in that sea of flowing Rayon Polyester.

10. Now where was I?
11. Oh yeah, that's right.
12. So being in the music program is like being in any other collegiate major- except moreso. Not so much reading and writing (although there are those things)- but there is quite a bit of out-of-class responsibility.  10 hours/week of practice time.  10 concert/rehearsal attendances per sememster.  Classes that meet for 4 hours per week but are only worth 1 credit hour.  There's also extracurriculars.  A second choir.  Leading a vocal jazz ensemble.  Moonlighting with the jazz band.  Participating in Friends Of Jazz (which helps put together Jazz Fest at NMU every year).  NATS.  Winter semester Children's Opera.  Music program requirements are the price that one pays for having a passion like music.
13. Any single piece of the puzzle would make my wife an amazing woman.  Everything put together makes her beyond awesome.  My wife is the complete package.  In this era of rapidly shifting gender roles, my wife has been able to not only spread wide the wings of her feminine independence, but also shoulder some of the traditional matriarchy as well. She's Proverbs 31 AND Song of Solomon.  Mind=blown.
14. Did I mention how beautiful she is?  Probably not.  Because as beautiful as she is (and she's awesomely beautiful), the strength of her character and depth of her soul is  infinitely more beautiful (but she's smoking hot).

So yes, my wife is insanely awesome.  I know this list of pieces, even when taken together, is still woefully incomplete to show how busy her life is.  And yet still, her awesomability is off the charts.  I love her with every fiber of my being.  Every day, I thank God that I got to meet her, and was able to sucker her bamboozle somehow win her affections in return.  It's been quite an interesting journey- full of bumps and hills and valleys and many assorted trials.  We haven't done things normal in any stretch of the world.  We've both made our share of mistakes.  But I wouldn't want to live a day without her in my life.  I love you Sara.  I love you, and I don't care who knows it.  Unless they're from Russia.

Pic- Ian McKellan- http://www.mckellen.com/images/0857.jpg
MC Hammer- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsEk10acD9Ok9qO9tdqVGjoXq-E0HYt6KALQIBz-OO4igBMPmFfql4SKFx-0D9GtJzFGlIxTVpcWwdIjEJnm4YFxUoxaaXTRAoXUZt4PHEiE2dUt8ABjUZXACzj2uV8GewZ34nBkNKau_Q/s1600/MC-Hammer-picture2.jpg

New Alphabet Part II- The rest

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a brilliant essay on my plans for a new alphabet.  It was new, fresh, and invigorating.  I don't know if anyone actually read it (besides Amanda)...but rest assured, it took the world by storm.  And then I went away, leaving everyone breathless on the edge of their seats.

Now I have returned to finish my work.  Like Anakin brought balance to the Force, I will bring balance to the alphabet.  Even if that means I have to kill some of it and disfigure the rest.

To bring you up to speed, the new alphabet of my creation is so far ABDFGHIKLMN.  The rest of this exercise is elementary, really.  Having taken out the letters 'E' and 'C', no others would dare oppose me.  My logic-flawless.  My execution-deadly precise.  My aim-true.  My grip on reality- slipping.

Today, I'll take O-Z to task.  Which of them will survive to carry on my vision of the English language?  Tune in right now and find out!  Isn't this exciting?  WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO DO MORE THAN READ THIS BLOG!!?!??!?

As with before, I'm taking all letter facts from Wikipedia.  And I'm taking all letter commentary from my brain.

Due to a scandal that was recently brought to my attention (thanks TBS), our thumbs up/thumbs down part will be played by legendary lemon Simon Cowell!

Would it kill you to smile, Simon?  Oh.  Oh, it would.  It actually would kill you.  My bad.  Carry on.

Let's get it started!

O- Inspired by the Egyptian hieroglyph for 'eye', and the fourth most common letter- I'd say this is pretty much a no-brainer.  Don't ask why it's a no-brainer.  When someone says "It's a no-brainer", they're really saying that they don't want you to ask any type of question that will expose their lack of knowledge about the subject.  I will say that elimination of 'O' would be to the 'O' face what prohibition was to alcohol.  And we all know how that turned out.

Simon says: Thumbs up

P- According to my friend Wikipedia, P is a voiceless bilabial plosive.  What the what?

Let's break it down
 
There's a lot of stuff going on there.  On one hand, being voiceless is a pretty useless trait in an alphabet whose sole purpose is to represent audible sounds.  It's like a company having a mime as their spokesperson.  But then it's also a bilabial plosive.  No one really knows what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like 'Explosive', and so I'm afraid that if I try to forcibly remove the letter 'P' from the alphabet, it will blow up and take the alphabetical midsection (not to mention my hands) out along with it.  So we're just going to keep 'P' right where it is and just back away...very slow like....

Simon says: Thumbs up

Q- I've been advised by my lawyer not to talk about 'Q', due to 'Q' being a minority letter...and with affirmative action...and the public relations backlash...but why can't I just say that 'Q' doesn't do anything 'K' and 'W'  couldn't do?  I mean, 'Q' can't even go into a word without taking 'U' with it- how weak is that?  You're can't even start off a word without some vowel holding your hand lik....

Pause ten seconds for station indoctrination

(Ten seconds later) I would like to issue a public apology to (do I have to do this?  ZAP Okay, okay., jeez..) the letter 'Q'.  I can only imagine how hard it is to be a (relatively useless and redunda ZAP ow ow ow ow) misunderstood and underutilized letter.  On behalf of the new alphabet, we welcome you into our tolerant and totally non-confrontational society.  Also, thank you for not suing me.  ZAP Hey- what was that for?

Simon says: Thumbs up

R- 'R' is like 'P' with a second leg.  That means that if 'P' is considered to be secure in the new alphabet, then 'R' would have to be like, twice as secure.  Get it?  Because he has a second leg to stand...oh, never mind.


Simon says: Thumbs up

S- Sometimes a place of employment will fire somebody so that they can promote someone else.  Whether it's because they're a better worker, or younger, or cheaper, or cuter, it's a harsh reality of the economic climate.  Animals do the same thing when they purposefully run faster than their older, sicklier third cousin.  It's called The Circle of Life.

That's what 'S' is to me.  There was excess, and I needed to make some cuts.  'C' was the old, sick letter that got taken down by the wolf pack, so I took it and threw it on the ground.  Naturally, 'S' is going to getting a lot more action.  I didn't promote 'S' because of his work ethic/age/letter capital/big booty.  This is all about fat trimming.  Let's just call it what it is- a marriage of convenience- and move on.

Simon says: Thumbs up

T- Ugh.  'T'.  It's just so boring.  No exciting backstory.  No exotic function.  No air flow.  Just frequent, brutal, boring, efficiency.  Well, and its own steak cut.  Maybe if we dressed it up a little bit.  Gave it a couple of griffins as bookends, put a magic wand on the top, like a Voldemort's wand...made it look like a tree...

Nope.  It's still 'T'.  But now it has boobs.  So there's that.

Simon says: Thumbs up


U/V- Details are sketchy, but I'm pretty sure there was some weird sort of incestuous disambiguation going on in the history of 'U' and 'V'.  I think 'U' used to be 'Y'...or was it 'V'?  I don't know.  This stuff is just weird.  It's like leafing through a yearbook from 'The Hills Have Eyes'.

Class of ARRGGHHRRGHHH rulzez!!!!!!!1!!!!

I don't know what kind of kinky crap you guys used to pull back there, but that all ends now.  'U'- you're done.

(Allows a moment for the shock of brutal truth to wear off) How you ask?  Simple.  I'm going to pair 'Y' with two 'O's, or two 'A's for the soft 'U' sound (just think Boston accent).  No-brainer.  Let's move on quickly.

Plus, without 'U' around to emasculate him, maybe 'Q' will man up and finally start doing something productive.  Otherwise there's going to be a 'Q coup'.  And 'V'- shape up, or I'll enlist 'B' to take your place.  And don't think I won't do it, either.  Because I will.

Simon says: U, thumbs down.  V, thumbs up

W- Definitely proof that some weird crap happened between 'U' and 'V'.  How else do you explain a letter that is named "double U" but looks more like "double V"?  Oh well.  I'm keeping it around.  It's good for office morale.  And by 'good for office morale', I mean 'all the other letters can point and laugh and stare at Freakshow'.

Simon says: Thumbs up

X- Oh jeez, this again?  I thought we were done currying favor with the alpha-proletariat.  How much longer can we expect the upper class letters to keep picking up the slack of the bottom class lose....

Pause ten more seconds for station indoctrination

(Lobotomized, with feeling) welcome to the new alphabet mister x

Simon says: thumbs up

Y- 'Y' is one of the cornerstones of a new alphabet.  Its sleek design and bialphality (it's both a consonant and a vowel) makes it trendy and helps us connect with the yuppies.  Its presence in the out-back of the alphabet makes it popular amongst the rebellious outcasts.  Its position as the Rarest IPA Sound by a Letter of the Latin Alphabet makes it sound like an Oscars category.  'Y' is my ace pitcher, my star quarterback, my leading lady- all rolled into one.

Simon says: Thumbs up

Z- Semitic 'Z' represented a weapon.  And what a bad-ass weapon it is.  It's got those two hook things on top and bottom, which can be used to trip an opponent in melee combat, slice open his intestines, or to scale a wall.  It also has the pointed corners, so you can use it in short quarters to stab your foe, like you were using a dagger.  Again, with the brilliant dual-design, if you miss your stroke in one direction, merely double back in the other for a sure severing.  In addition to melee combat, it also has ranged capabilities- much like a Chinese throwing star. Truly the weapon of a dynasty.

Oh.  Were we talking about 'Z' as a letter?  Eh, sure.  Let it in.  It can protect our backsides.

Simon says: Thumbs up

After analyzing the back half of our alphabet, only one letter came off the board.  Perhaps I was feeling generous today.  Maybe the back half of the alphabet is like an untapped natural resource of sound potential.  It's possible my heart just wasn't really in it.  But whatever the reason, our new alphabet is:
ABDFGHIKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ

ALL HAIL THE NEW ALPHABET!

I'm going to begin a massive Twitter campaign to get the ball rolling.  Because people on Twitter aren't really working with a fully functional alphabet anyways.


PICS- Egg- http://antifraudintl.org/imagehosting/244b29c537e5924.jpg
Simon- http://cbskmvq.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/simon_cowell-thumbs_down.jpg?w=385&h=294
Color bars- http://bagelradio.com/blog/uploaded_images/off+the+air+color+bars-761961.jpg
Letter T- http://www.fromoldbooks.org/DelamotteOrnamentalAlphabets/051-16th-Century-letter-t-q85-468x500.jpg
Sloth- http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/4/128728747597485642.jpg

The science of selling out

One of my friends recently turned me on to Redlettermedia.  How's that for an opening paragraph?

Before speaking so glowingly about this site that you blindly go to it and then proceed to form the grudge against me because you feel that I misrepresented it, I will say this- it is definitely for grown-ups.  There is dark humor.  It is a little macabre at times.  The narrator swears.  Basically if you didn't like any part of the show Dexter, you probably won't like this site.

I love it though.  If I had to summarize it in one word, I'd choose 'brilliant'.  If I got a bonus word, I'd say 'really brilliant'.  If I somehow got an additional word that could utilize the apostrophe, I would immediately say 'It's really brilliant'.  Yeah.  It's that good.

Redlettermedia has some original movies and short cartoons that I haven't checked out (and probably won't)- what I have been soaking up are his video movie reviews.  Using a crazy, sarcastic, and creepy alternate persona, he goes through various movies and critiques them on a technical level.  Despite his bizarre tendencies, I have found these reviews to be well thought out, insightful, and hilarious.

But that's not really what I want to talk about.  Although, what I want to talk did involve the website, so I at least had to plug for it, so you would have some idea of what I'm talking about.  Of course, that's assuming that I know what I'm talking about, which is not an assumption we enter into lightly.

So I watched his review of Avatar this morning, and it was everything I had hoped it would be.  Not only did it make me laugh- but it made me think.  Lots of things can make people laugh.  Farting makes people laugh.  Faceplanting makes people laugh.  In the right context, getting hit by a car can make people laugh.  But people that can make you laugh and make you think- they are the geniuses.  And the ability to both laugh and think is what separates us from the Rednecks.

What really caught my attention was his breakdown of the process of  digitally creating the Na'vi.  The Na'vi did not just evolve from binary code- they were purposefully rendered to elicit maximum sympathy.  James Cameron gave them "Disney Eyes" (you know what I'm talking about, those big puppy dog eyes that just melt your heart into a little pool of warm fuzzies).  He showed the animal elements in their noses and ears- traits which served to further solidify the innocence of the Na'vi.  Then Cameron made them smoking hot so that we would want to hook up with them but not feel like we were horrible perverts.

I thought about this for awhile afterwards.  I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I like to think of myself as a somewhat free-thinking critical observer guy.  Then I watch stuff like this, and I realize how easily that I can be manipulated.  And I was sad.

After hours of internal anguish and tearing down all my Justin Beiber posters, I still needed some help feeling better.  So I curled up on the couch with some Ben and Jerry's and watched Twilight.  Okay.  Life is better.

Before I begin, a couple caveats:

1. I am not suggesting that all the conspiracy theorists are right.
2. I do not believe that video games will cause kids to murder their parents, or that there are secretly encrypted messages that can be revealed when you play an audio cassette backwards.  And for my younger readers, I'll hold on while you go and Google 'audio cassette'.

What I'm talking about is how our brain processes stimuli, and how things that are barely noticeable serve to influence our conscious decision making subconsciously.  Dig?

See, it's not always the brazen, bold, out-there-in-your-face things that cause us to take certain actions- sometimes (or even most of the time) we are convinced by subtleties.  Because our super-duper computer minds are constantly working (even when we are on sleep or hibernate mode), we daily process I-Don't-Want-To-Know-How-Many gigaterrabytes of data.  Obviously we can't constantly act on every single sensation at every single moment- our brains would power down the minute we woke up.  Hopefully that scenario doesn't sound familiar to you.  So we have to be able to sort out what's important and what's not important.

Some of this sifting we do consciously- we decide what show we want to watch, what we want to read, what type of food we eat, etc.  By doing this, we are obviously playing an active role in what sort of information our brains take in.  But a lot of the sorting happens in our subconscious.  Take a morning commute to work.  There is no way your brain could possibly process all of the incoming stimuli in a manner that treats each one equally- not with the constantly changing topography, traffic signs, the drone of your car and passing cars, music (should you so choose), the smell of your air freshener, your clothing pressed against your skin, the taste of your delicious Egg McMuffin- your brain would probably explode.  And you would get a no call/no show.

Over time, our brains learn very quickly what needs to be focused on- and what can just be shoved off to the side.  The repetition of the stimulation helps our brain to become even more efficient.  Eventually, you stop noticing  the trees and buildings and such- because you've seen them so many times, that your brain has learned that it doesn't really need to process that information.  Because you don't need to really always know what your clothing feels like against your skin, your brain puts that info on cruise control (although I'm willing to bet after reading about clothing on skin, you start to become at least a little aware of it- gotta love the brain!).

So how do we get to auto-pilot?

It's by our conscious and subconscious working together.  Our subconscious mind picks up bits and pieces that are attached to the things our conscious mind is focusing on, and flags those things as objects of interest.  Take Disney Eyes, for example.  From years of watching Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid, I not only learned that Disney has no idea how a real monarchy functions, but I also inadvertently taught my brain that big eyes are cute, innocent, and vulnerable.  My conscious brain was being fed things like plot, line delivery, movement, and music. 

Music is the truck that drives the plot...straight off a cliff

While my subconscious mind was associating 'big eyes' with 'vulnerability' and picking up things like this: 

Little Mermaid 2: Unleash the Sea Men!

Let me give you another example.  Most of my childhood memories of my dad revolve around his beard and musical escapades- either him practicing with the band, or going to see him play at different functions.  So through the process of frequently seeing my dad with a beard and playing music (which became linked with coolness due to conscious and subconscious associations), I came to believe that guys with full beards were cool.  It sounds weird, but I always perceived people with beards (no matter how creepy or freaky they might otherwise be) as cooler than they would be without beards.  

The interesting/scary part is that most of the time, we really don't think about the way we process things.  We just sort of go with the flow.  By and large, this works out okay.  We don't necessarily need to know how our brain works- just that it does.  But there are people that do think about this sort of thing, and make good money because of it.  They work in a little field you may have heard of, called Marketing.

Sara and I have started watching a show called Mad Men.  Actually, scratch that- Sara watches it, sometimes I'll watch it with her.  It's a show set in 1960s New York, and revolves around the lives of Sterling-Cooper ad agency employees.  It's a mini-dynasty at the Emmy Awards.  All the important people watch it...or at least they do sometimes, with their wives.  Anyways.  Aside from having a protagonist that is a selfish, low-life jerk face, the show is intriguing to me because of the whole concept of marketing and advertising.  I find it fascinating that there is an entire sector of our economy devoted to people sitting in rooms and coming up with ways to trick people on a daily basis.
 
I reckon most of us like to think that we're these forward-thinking intellectual savants that are far too powerful in the mind to be tricked by the kinds of marketing ploys that we are constantly bombarded with.  We scoff at the notion that someone else can influence our decisions just because of some crummy commercials.  We tell ourselves that we are our own people.  We decide what to buy.  We decide which soda to drink.  We our captains of our own cell-phone plan.  Right?  RIGHT???

The thing is, commercials aren't selling products- they're selling ideas.  And they aren't fishing for you- they're just throwing a net out there.  They are bound to catch a few.  They don't need a commercial to be successful for everyone. They just need to convince someone, somewhere to associate their product with the idea that they are pitching.  Then those people become salesmen.  I didn't buy a smart phone because Verizon made some awesome looking robot commercial- I bought one because:

• My wife let me (Merry Christmas, baby!)
• My friends had them, so not only did I get to see them in action, but I got to see my friends responses to them in action. 
• I had become dissatisfied with my old phone.

But why was I dissatisfied with my old phone?  Did it stop working?  Had some of the buttons fallen off?  Were calls being dropped?  Well...no.  My phone worked fine.  As a phone, it did what I needed it to do.  But the idea that a phone could do more...well, heck, I gotta get me one of those!  I have to find out for "myself" what this is all about.  And thus I was pulled in.

So how much of what we think is our own?
 
Our thoughts and feelings are heavily influenced by a number of outside sources- not just commercials and movies.  Even from the beginning, our basic template of who we are comes primarily from our parents.  Our initial belief systems come to us from our parents.  As we grow up, they largely guide us in (or out of) our passions.  At the very least, they control the flow of information. 

Over the years, parents become teachers, teachers become friends, and friends become something else- but no human being lives in a vacuum.  We are always surrounded by other people.  So we're always coming in contact with a host of different ideas, beliefs, values, and information.  Because of this, we are constantly evolving socially.  Sure, we have some deep held beliefs that are often extremely difficult to change- but many more that are ripe for the taking.

This is where knowing how to shape information comes into play.  When you look at the big picture and see that humanity consists of nothing but empty information vessels that constantly imprint on each other, it's not hard to see that there is a degree of power there.  If you know how to manipulate information subtly in order to create the impression of an original thought or idea...then you have taken control of that power.  This is how James Cameron was able to take an unoriginal story with some dazzling special effects and carefully crafted charicatures and create a product that grossed over $2 billion.

(Shudders)

What is the point of all this?  To make you all read my blog more (Yes)?  Well, If I would have been smart enough, I would have gone through and made this post a (read my blog more) subliminal message minefield.  But I wasn't (tell your friends about my blog).  I just wanted to get (post links to my blog on your Facebook wall) some thoughts rolling about why we think the things we think, why we like the things we like, and why we believe the things we do.  I hope to spark some critical thinking- self presently included.  Lastly, I wanted to give you a heads up that next time you feel like dating a 12-foot tall blue alien....well, it's probably not because you actually want to date a 12-foot tall blue alien.  It's because James Cameron told you that you did.      

PICS- http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/picture/Spetsnaz420/redneck.png
http://thumbs.mywallpapers.org/files/wallpapers/10/1048/The-Little-Mermaid-002.jpg
http://www.animatedbuzz.com/WB/images/coverart01.jpg

Disabwhat?

A week or so ago, I got a letter in the mail.  It said simply this:

Your son has a disability

Actually, that's not true.  I didn't get a letter that said that- at least not in so many words.  No, it was just reminder letter for a speech therapy meeting that happened to include some information about special education and learning disabilities.  Um, excuse me, there has been a mistake.  You sent someone elses stuff to us.  I mean, our kids weren't conceived in a petri dish, but they're still perfect.  Right?

One of these guys got all of the looks, brains, and personality.  The other one is the former Governor of California

Let me just tell you that sending children's disability literature to a guy with a paranoid active imagination is a recipe for hysteria.  Factor in that I'm a chef who isn't cooking with all the ingredients, and....I'm not really sure where I'm taking this metaphor anymore. 

I know that that we aren't the first parents that have been blindsided by the idea that their childs' biology might not be 100% up to snuff.  But it's the first time something like this has happened to us.
Shane had a preschool screening back in August, and some issues came up with his hearing and with his speech.  The hearing result didn't really phase me.  The test was the standard fare- you put some ginormous headphones on and have to quickly hit a button when the machine clicks.  I'm pretty sure Shane was just screwing around with the lady- she'd hit the button and he'd just look at her and give her this sort of mischievous little grin (which could be a different set of issues altogether...starts praying for the teen years).  So the jury is out on the hearing thing.  I suppose it's possible that he has a hearing problem....(drifts off into flashbacks)

Shane, stop bothering your sister

(no response)

Shane- you NEED to come take care of your toys

(No response)

Shane, it's time for bed.  Come brush your teeth

(No response)

Shane, I have a cooki...

(NOM NOM NOM NOM)

The speech thing is a different ball game.  He's definitely got some speech issues going on.  R's, L's, any digraph involving 'H'- it's like he's on a one-man mission to slaughter the English language.  I feel bad when he's trying to tell someone his name, and he's like  "No, I'm not Sane.  I'm Sane".


And with 50% of these genes, it's no wonder he's not Sane

After a second assessment, we got a call from the speech therapy people who wanted to set up a meeting.  No big deal, I think to myself.  He'll go, we'll get hooked up with a speech therapist, he'll look at some pictures and practice contorting his tongue and in a few months PRESTO Shane will be giving monologues and performing on Broadway.  How is this a bad plan?

About a week letter, we get an envelope in the mail from the ECDD people in regards to the appointment.  But it isn't your garden variety white letter envelope- it's the Super Yellow Envelope.  You know the kind.  The kind that hold so much stuff they were used to smuggle illegal aliens across the border.  Yeah.  One of those envelopes.  This Super Yellow Envelope contained some pamphlets and booklets.  No big deal, right?  It's just some stuff about special education, learning disabilities, and Individual Education Plans (or IEPs).

Um, wait, what?  I thought my son just had a hard time saying some words.  And we were going to go in, and you were going to fix that and tell us to have a nice day.  The end.



It might not seem like it, but I'm working on not overreacting.  Really, I am..  I realize that this is probably standard protocol.  Most likely every child who receives some sort of specialized service gets this information.  Besides, we haven't actually had the meeting yet.  It wouldn't be the first time I overreacted without having all of the relevant information.

The truth is, my big concern has nothing to do with how any sort of learning disability diagnosis will impact our lives at home.  Shane is freaking awesome. 

It's more the idea of what those words mean in the scholastic context.  I understand a lot has probably changed since I was in school- but a lot hasn't changed.  Kids are like sharks, and being "different" is like wearing Chum-brand clothing.  "Different" kids get sniffed out early- then the feeding frenzy begins.

It wasn't enough to stop Bruce Campbell from being a movie star though. 

And it's not just the kids.  Teachers, parents, coaches, principals- whether people realize it or not, they often treat people according to their preconceived notion about that person.  Sometimes their analysis is concluded upon meeting someone for the first time- the infamous "first impression".  Sometimes you hear things (good and bad) about a person before meeting them and that makes up your mind.  And sometimes, you read the words "Special Education" in report and get hung up there, like an important hobbit stuck in a spider's web IN A SCENE THAT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN PLACE IN THE SECOND MOVIE, NOT THE THIRD!!!!!!

At this point, I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything.  This meeting is probably not the trip to Mordor that I am building it up to be- but it's no picnic in the Shire either.  My amazingly curious, cheerful, rambunctious, funny son is going to unknowingly come face to face with the the system that will shape the course of his life for the next twelve years.  And there's a chance that he's going to start with the deck stacked against him.

I am hoping and praying that any labels- disability, special ed, etc.- don't stick.  Not only that they don't stick- but that they don't get attached in the first place.  I would love nothing more than a simple little roundtable discussion that ends up with some sort of quick fix.  I imagine most parents probably feel the same way. 

The meeting is this morning.  I know who my son is, and how wonderfully amazing he is.  How much love and life flows through him, all the time.  The joy that radiates from his soul.  I just hope that the whole world gets to see that without having to look through label-shaped lenses.

ADDENDUM: We just got home from the meeting.  Nothing major to worry about.  Basically he has some areas where he's lagging articulation-wise (which we knew), and some issues with syntax and inserting the proper pronouns and articles of speech.  Preliminary assessment is that society will believe that Shane is "normal"- and that's all you can really ask for. 

Pictures that weren't mine-
Twins: http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/twins-Schwarzenegger-DeVito.jpg
Jaws 5- http://jawsmovie.com/wp-content/gallery/jaws5/jaws5campbell.jpg

Eyes nervously shifting...my first post about my other league (that is, if I had another league. Not that I'm looking, sweety...)

(Looks around to make sure that my target audience is in the vicinity while also speaking loud enough to make sure that they hear me).

I'm not saying that I have another Fantasy Football league.  But if I did...I'd write about it on my other blog.  In a post like this.

I'm just saying.  Purely hypothetical.

My social network

For my 200th published post (thank you, thank you), I dug up a draft from six months ago.  Like anything dug up from the past, it's covered in dirt and crawling insects and has a repugnant smell.  Hope you enjoy it!

I think this post is best viewed through...
ThE wAyBaCk MaChInE

While watching The Social Network on March 20thish, my wife made a comment (even before the movie started) that I would probably want to blog about it after it was all over. She asked me towards the end of the movie if I was feeling anything, and frankly at that point, I wasn't. Who knows who, huh?  Yeah, that's right.  This guy.

It wasn't until the next morning when the wheels really started turning and a blog started brewing. Dang it!  My wife knows me a little too well, I think.  Little did she know that I wouldn't touch the blog again for another six months. Look who is laughing now, wife!  Yeah that's right.  This guy. 

No, not that guy.  This guy.

I won't go too much into the movie itself (I do recommend that it be seen (especially if you have Facebook) because it is a really good movie with some decent acting and a brilliant film score that was made by the guy who wanted to make passionate animal sex to me in high school). No, I just want to talk about the idea of social networking via Facebook and similar programs.  But I'll only be talking about Facebook, because that's the only social networking site I belong to.

Yes Virginia, I use Facebook. I check it several times a day, actually. I don't get on it for long periods of time anymore- mostly because I don't technically have my own computer (although for all intents and purposes, my smart phone is a cute little baby computer) and because I don't play any Facebook games anymore (yes, I was able to be freed from Madden NFL Superstars and Farm Town).  I still check it frequently.  Often aimlessly, with no real reason to check other than the habitual compulsion.  I don't know if that makes me a slave to it- I think it's more indentured curiosity.

I think that there are some tremendous advantages to having Facebook. Probably the biggest reason is the photo feature. Having two young children, we tend to take a decent amount of pictures. Kids do cute things, after all, and you want to capture these moments so they can be relived/used to embarrass at later dates. During the days when you actually had to take your film to the store and have paid professionals process it, it could get a little bit costly if you wanted to let everybody know what your kid looked like wearing a Darth Vader mask.  With Facebook, I can disseminate large numbers of pictures to family members very quickly.  It also helps us keep our photo albums organized- which is akin to having a constantly recurring miracle for us.  The best part- the only cost is a little time.

Ah, time.  Time is the essence of why Facebook is so popular.  Nowadays, time is much more commodity than luxury. So often, we don't have the time to keep up with everyone we'd like to keep up with- especially since we've gotten away from our hunter/gatherer roots.  I imagine it was much easier for our ancestors to keep in touch, since they lived at/close to home for their whole lives, and tended to move as entire group units.  Today, if you stay at home with your parents until you're, I don't know, random age of the top of my head 25, you are ostracized and branded a loser.  There is huge unspoken social pressure to leave the nest.  And sometimes, spoken pressure.  Very plainly spoken, loud-at-7:00-in-the-morning-get-off-your-lazy-butt-and-get-a-job-pressure.  Not that I know anything about that type of pressure....  Some people would say that being independent and spreading your proverbial wings is what being American is all about.  Personally, I blame The Oregon Trail for our vagabondic tendencies.

I also blame this game for my fascination with killer diarrhea

I find Facebook is very useful for keeping up with relationships that I value but don't have enough time to effectively keep in touch with. It helps me to find people from my past and see how they are doing- people that I might not to have a deep relationship with, but still would like to be able to catch up with from time to time and see how they're doing.  I can drop someone a line and let them know I miss them (therefore putting the ball in their court to keep communication alive).  Shallow?  Superficial?  Probably.  But isn't that better than just having people come into your lives for short seasons and then slip away like greased pigs on Teflon?

I've also seen Facebook used as a living memorial.  A young woman I was in the social work program with died last December.  Once a month or so, I'll visit her page, look at pictures, and think about our short time together.  People will post things on her wall, and I feel like it strengthens the bonds of fellowship to be able to read the sentiments that other people write, knowing how much of an impact she made in the lives of so many people.  I know there are people out there like me that struggle to express their feelings verbally, but can't get them to shut off once they're placed at a keyboard.
Unfortunately, Facebook is not the end all/be all of existence.  I realize that for many (like me), Facebook can be a relationship crutch.  Relationships are built on compromise and vulnerability- two areas that involve giving up control, which can be very uncomfortable.  It is pretty easy to control the level of relationships when you don't have to speak to someone face to face.  If I find that I'm losing that control in anyway, I can just delete you out of my life.  No reason, and chances are you won't even notice until you go to your farm and find out that I moved out of the neighborhood- permanently.  That isn't how relationships were meant to be, I'm guessing.  But because of social networking, that's where they are moving to (if they aren't already there now).
In many ways, Facebook provides a sort of a commentary about our society.  I know, I know- wow, so brilliant.  Maybe I should tell that to the world- ON FACEBOOK.  Actually, that's not a bad idea.  I'll be right back.......Okay, where was I?  Oh, right.  Commentary.

In our capitalistic, materialistic, fast paced society, Facebook enables us to keep real relationship development on the back burner.  Essentially, it takes a fundamental component of humanity (need for contact with other human beings) and weds it with our innate sense of self-importance.  The result is that Facebook and its social networking friends have made us each into virtual commodities.  It's just another avenue for the 'best face forward' mindset that plagues our culture.  We don't strive to become a person to get to know better, but a better brand.  We don't have personality, we have marketability.  We fill out information boxes to make ourselves more appealing (note- some people don't, which is why those people and me aren't friends), pick our own labels, and then off we go! 

We aren't accountable to each other in cyberspace.  We don't have to look at ourselves in the mirror.  We don't have to be vulnerable.  We don't have to ask or be asked the hard questions.  When the going gets tough?  The tough simply remove the post.  Or delete the friend.  There's no need to grow- we can surround ourselves with whoever we want.  And darn it, those pesky liberals/atheists/gays (or whatever the stereotypical foils to your belief system are) keep posting crap about their beliefs, and it's clogging my news feed, so I'm just going to stay here in this safe zone, where all my friends believe the same thing I do, and we all just build each other up until we look like the body builder from Lady in the Water.

SPOILER ALERT
In the ending, Mark Zuckerberg is rolling in the dough- but to achieve his success, he loses his closest friend.  I thought it was brilliant and delicious irony.  He has all of these Facebook "friends"- at the cost of his one true friend who had stuck by him through thick and thin.  Is that what we're coming to?  Lives that revolve around keeping ourselves trendy at the expense of what makes us uniquely us?  I don't think Facebook has taken me there yet- but it's definitely one of the off-ramps on this freeway of life I'm traveling.  Facebook enables us to have scores of friends- more friends than we've maybe ever had in our entire lives.  But are they friendships that mean anything?  Relationships of the meaningful type take more effort than Facebook typically requires.

In the end, I think that Facebook (and other social networking sites) can be great tools to augment our relationship development.  There are very practical reasons to have Facebook.  But don't let it consume your social livelihood.  Because then you will end up as a mid-twenties solitary billionaire.  Or something like that.

Pictures-
That guy- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigEeeUnoJAajm4Ug_ODuAJQeWQUuXJbqpLxUKLTMDqB2eDuJS3wXWFs7EqlqMRqtmiPKUBJo_8tVTGIpCLR8heU_gMYLHQH_UNPI6uqRZXdldOwyieYp8kiCgNTprmmxmDBbxlgkgSzBI/s320/that+guy.jpg
Oregon trail- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Oregon_Trail_%28video_game%29
Reggie- http://www.laprensatoledo.com/Stories/2006/July12,2006/Lady_in_the_Water__Freddy_Rodriguez.jpg

Give me your milk money or give me death!

Next week, both my kids will be in school.  It's a scary thought.  Granted, the Saved By The Bell-type drama is still years away, but it's a lot closer than it was five short years ago.  My little babies...all growed up and saving China.

Or at least blaming each other for that hole in the wall

For the first time since I lived at home with my parents (shut up), I am going to have honest-to-God free time during my day. No school books to read.  No diapers to change.  No annoying phone calls at 6 in the morning asking if I can come work at 7 because someone didn't show up.  It's just me and...me. 

In the past I would have celebrated my newfound moments of freedom by firing up a new season of Greys Anatomy, starting a multi-team dynasty on NCAA Football, or just taking a nice short nap.  Well...not the Greys Anatomy thing....because I'm already on that!  Season 7 is SOOOO good!

However, this time around something (or some things) are different.  My priorities are different.  I'm different.  And so my plan is....different (you guys keeping up?).  And that plan involves volunteering.  At local schools.  The local schools my kids are attending (still not convinced you guys are keeping up- I think I lost most of you at 'Saved By The Bell')

Yes, yes, I know that there are some who think I'm just the hovering control-freak dad who can't stand to let go of his little babies, and so he dresses up like a pretty girl who was a nerd in high school but is actually smoking hot, but still can't get in the popular crowd (especially since a mishap with a nightclub stamp led to the word 'LOSER' being imprinted on her forehead) to buy in until her brother David Arquette also goes back to school and tells everyone she used to date him (which is not that big of a stretch.  This is David Arquette we're talking about) and then she becomes popular but ends up with a creepy teacher in the end. 

But I'm not that guy- because that guy is actually a girl, and that girl is actually Drew Barrymore.  That's so flattering though!

No, this is a much deeper desire birthed out of a few different life events.  Yes, the fact that my kids are in school is an incentive to be involved, to make sure that the educational system is functioning the way I think it should (and if I get to play 'Big Brother', even better). 

However, I've also thought about volunteering for awhile.  Which probably makes me like a majority of Americans.  We watch the infomercials about starving children in Africa, and we think 'oh man, that's too bad'.  We feel guilty for a bit and then we go back to watching Jerry Springer.  Not everyone is like this though.  Lots of my social work cohort volunteered, for example.  I always felt like I should be volunteering too, but I can't say that at the time I was ready.  Having two kids in diapers I never really had the chance to find out.  Now I do- and I am.

Of course, I'm probably being too hard on myself.  Raising children, in the early years, is like sprinting a marathon.  You have to be able to react to things at a moments notice, while simultaneously being able to pace yourself for long stretches.  We could have done day care, but there technically was no real need. Besides, we had made a conscious decision, back when we first had Delaney in the group home, that we were going to be the ones to raise our children.

Five years later, and we've crossed that bridge (not completely with Shane- but we're almost there).  It's taken sacrifice, grace, federal assistance, and family (lots of family)- but we've made it.  I feel like volunteering in the schools is a thing I can do to give back to others- pay it forward, so to speak.  So many people poured into our lives to make it possible for us to love our children, and now I want to pour into the lives of other people's children- or at least do things that free up time for other people to create their own precious moments.

Also, there are things of career to consider.  Sara and I have sort of tag-teamed the last few years, alternating between being students and being stay-at-home-fill-in-the-blanks.  But now we are entering into a season of life that will (hopefully) be much more stable- and thus, a season to think about the future. 

Because of shifting employment and the ever-fluctuating schedule of a collegiate student (espeically music majors), we haven't had much stability, and with the kids entering into school, that is not only more of a possibility- but also a desire.  I would love to have a nice steady 9-5 Monday through Friday type-job.  And I feel like volunteering at school is going to help me to get there.  Not only will it be good volunteer experience (which always looks good on the resumes), but it will expose me to different facets of the educational experience (which is possibly an area I'd like to work in) and different types of people as well.

I believe in our education system.  No really, I do.  Seriously- I know I have a tendency to joke around, and use sarcasm and slight-of-hand-type humor, but this time I'm really being on the up-and-up.  Geez, you guys are making me feel like Padme' telling Obi-Wan that there's still good in Anakin.

'I'm not dead'
'Not de...what?  I cut you in half!'
'No you didn't'
'....for the love...Obi-Wan, I severed your lower torso from your upper.  Your legs are over there!'
'Nope.  That's just a flesh wound'
'.........'

 Of course it has flaws.  But I know good can come from it.  And how do I know good can come from it?

Because I plan to be involved in it.  I'm no longer content to sit around and kvetch about the problem.  The turkey-stuffed classroom sizes.  Lack of funding.  Insufficient learning.  Standardized testing.  If the Marquette educational system is going to fall apart, it damn sure isn't going to fall apart because I was too busy leading the Central Michigan Chippewas to the promised land.

After the first day of kindergarten, each kid had a letter come home detailing areas that needed some volunteer help.  The seed was planted.  As I went through the list, it was simultaneously watered, weeded, fertalized, harvested, and taken to the market.  Library?  Sure, love to help.  Lunchroom?  Check.  Count box tops and soup labels?  Well, I can count, so you can count- on me.  Edit the school yearbook?  Just call me Jim Bellows.  

Sandy Knoll School Association meetings (which I assume are their version of the PTA)- planning on 'em.  And it's not just with Delaney's school.  Shane's Headstart program places a premium on helping out- whether it be at fundraisers or in the classroom, parent participation is promoted passionately.  Indeed, I have already volunteered to be the classroom's Parent Policy Council representative.  You might not have heard of it....it's kind of a big deal. 

Please know I'm not telling you all this to toot my own horn (although, given my tendency to toot my own horn, I see where you could get confused).  I want to spell all this out, in part, to soothe the worriers that I have much bigger ambitions than holding on to a few more invaluable seconds of face time.  Mostly, I'm just very excited about entering into this chapter of my life, and I hope that some of my excitement will rub off on you, the reader, and inspire you to set aside your own selfish ambitions for the sake of pursuing some noble cause that is in service to mankind.  And then I want you to thank me for it in dramatic speech form.  Not like, an Oscars speech-I'm talking like a William Wallace kind of speech.  Or like Aragorn at the Black Gates.

"I really thought I checked the 'Count Campbell Soup labels' box, not the 'Lead a Suicide Mission to Mordor' box.  If I make it out of this alive, I'm going straight to the office and double check that"

A final thought- a couple months ago I wrote about a guy who was involved at Bullock Creek named Mr. Ostyn. Mr. Ostyn didn't have a fancy title- or even a well-defined role, as far as I could tell.  But he made a difference in kids lives.  It should be noted that Mr. Ostyn was slapping high fives in the hallowed halls of the Creek years after his own children had graduated and moved on.  That's the type of man I want to be.

That's what volunteering means to me.  This is a chance to make a difference.  This is about creating a legacy.  Not a legacy so that I can look back and hear people sing songs about me.  It's about being a Mr. Ostyn in the life of a child, who shows that child that they have value not because of what they do or who they hang out with- but because they are.

Picture: Lego- http://ih2.redbubble.net/work.3564356.2.flat,550x550,075,f.if-you-strike-me-down.jpg
Aragorn- http://images2.fanpop.com/images/polls/252000/252478_1244993835479_full.jpg
Mulan- http://0.tqn.com/d/create/1/0/b/t/2/-/mushu.jpg

Nu-phabet

Before you read this, you should know that I am sitting on a virtual gold mine of thoughts, ideas, and written words.  I have so many things in queue at the moment that I had to buy an appointment book so that my future ponderings could schedule appointments just to be queued. I feel like The Most Interesting Man in the world, except insert 'Hot Airest' for 'Interesting'.

I don't always have anything to say, really, but when I do, I fill it with so much sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek humor that I might as well have not even said it.

I tell you this because a couple of the things in publication purgatory are actually about real life thinkity-things.  Which is what I kinda want my blog to be...at least sometimes, anyways.  A blog about ridiculous Fantasy Football scenarios (and by the way, it only took one half of football for me to kick myself for a misplay, which has to be some sort of record) can only sustain itself for so long...it's like a diet of Twinkies.  It might keep you alive for awhile, but you're going to get fat and ugly.  Or in my case, fatter and uglier.

But before I bring out the celery and peanut butter, I'm going to shove another (metaphorical) Twinkie down your throat.  Mmmmm...that sounds good.  I think I'll grab one for me too (metaphorical, of course).  A delicious (metaphorical) Twinkie passing through my lips always brings a smile to my face and a socially uncomfortable gurgle to my tummy.

A couple years ago, I wrote an almost-critically acclaimed editorial against the letter 'E'.  Since that time, my resolve to end our alphabet's most prominent freeloader has only increased.  Unfortunately, it's been a bitter struggle, and no real progress gets made.

I have consistently been on record as being willing to compromise, but 'E' went on a nasty smear campaign which nearly cost me...well, nothing, really.  It wasn't anything scandalous, it was just really gross.  Like pictures of me picking my nose and stuff.  Anyways, 'E' has consistently proven unwilling to negotiate and uninterested in stepping aside.  'E' wants to cling blindly to its position of "power" and ignore the fact that languages evolve. 

In addition to 'E's misappropriation of power, there are two other things happening that are shaking the once solid foundations of our alphabet.

1) People are staunchly against the idea of getting something for nothing.  Michigan's recent legislation against those who have been poor "too long" is only the latest in a series of actions by conservatives to scale back the government on the backs of the poor, elderly, and otherwise disenfranchised. 

2) Due to the economic climate, there is a movement towards job consolidation.  It's cheaper to have one position that does two tasks than to have two positions that do two tasks.  And get those high priced vets out of there- we want our youth movement!

What does this mean for letters?  Simple.  If you want an example of phoneme freeloading, then look no farther than 'E'.  That letter is the ultimate 'something for nothing'.   Secondly, letters that serve multiple functions are in much higher demand than letters that can't.  And our alphabet is chock full of letters that can do the job of 2 or 3 other letters.

With that said, I am going to present you a letter-by-letter analysis of the alphabet, and submit to you my proposal for a New Alphabet (not to be confused with the New World Order.  Well, maybe a little confused).  Yes.  All this intro for a qualitative analysis of the alphabet.  If singing the ABC's is your idea of empirical alphabetical assessment, then you can stop right here.  But if you are a truth seeker, then by all means, keep going.  Note: All letter facts are taken from Wikipedia.  In the past, I have ridiculed Wikipedia as a legitimate source.  However, we've agreed to bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones, and enter into bed business together.  I love you, Wikipedia!

So I'm going to do the first half of the alphabet here, systematically breaking down each letter (well, more of a well-placed sledgehammer to the weak spot) and giving it the Imperial thumbs up/thumbs down for my New Alphabet. 

Palpatine was unavailable, so the part of Emperor will be played by Johnny Cash

A- Originated as an oxhead.  So that's one pro, right there.  Your leadoff hitter in an alphabet either has to be easily found in a phonebook or able to wreck stores that specialize in glass.  The fact that 'A' has two minuscule forms, while cosmetic, is impressive.  It also boasts an impressive resume' of six (SIX!) vowel sounds, and is the letter that schools decided would represent the achievements of their best students.

Verdict- Thumbs up

B- First it was a floorpan in Egypt.  I don't know what a floorpan is, but if it's anything like a bedpan, then that's just gross.  Not really looking good, 'B'.  It also loses points because the minuscule version is just the tiny 'd' in the mirror.  Seems really fake to me, although if I inherited my shape from a living room bathroom contraption, I'd probably have self-esteem issues too.  That's probably why 'B' also hangs out in words it wasn't really invited to, like lamb, debt, doubt, bomb, etc.  The more I look at 'B', the more it looks like a loser- but unfortunately, the letter 'V' just can't pick up the slack.  If this was a reality show, then 'B' is the guy where it's him and the guy that gets voted out, and the host is like 'B' (dramatic pause) you're in.  What I'm saying is don't buy a house, 'B'.

Verdict-A less than resounding Thumbs up

C- 'C' was definitely the second letter on the chopping block after 'E'.  'C' doesn't really do anything that 'S' and 'K' already do better.  Really, the only problem I see would involve 'ch' (as in church), but I think we could work around it.  The hard 'ch' sound could be replaced by a 'K', whereas a soft 'ch' sound could probably be indicated by a 'tsh'.  The fact that 'C' is a handicapped 'G' is the last straw.  Sorry buddy- the ABC's are about to become the ABDs.

Verdict- Thumbs down

D- Crap, forgot the spoiler alert!  Oh well, it isn't like I could really go without 'D'.  In addition to hanging around to help 'B' feel better about himself, 'D' also originated from a door.  I could think of a better welcome mat than an oxhead or a floorpan, but 'D' is warm and soft enough to pull it off.  It's like a big fat teddy bear.  Look at it.  Don't you just want to go give it a hug?  That's the kind of mojo that our Nu-phabet is going for.

Verdict- Thumbs up

E- The only way I would consider keeping 'E' around is if etymologically it derived from a calling or praying human (looks at Wikipedia).  Damn.  Well, I guess you can stay, 'E'.

JUST KIDDING!  Look, I know what you've done for our language, and it's great.  It really is.  But this here's Americuh.  And in Americuh, we don't take kindly to handouts.  It don't matter if yar in the most words out there if ya ain't doing a cotton-picking tarnation-tooting thing in oneofum.  (I do think 'E' has some uses- especially in a word like 'excess'...or 'especially'.  But I already gave it that option, and it didn't take it.  Time to play hardball, chump)

Verdict- Thumbs down

F- Started out as a club/mace.  Now that's a letter I can get behind!  As long as the person wielding the 'F' is careful not to just flail around with it wildly.  Its minuscule form was involved in the famous 'Long S' controversy back in the 19th century, but 'F' has been working hard since then to repair his image.  And by 'working hard', I mean 'bonking people on the head'.

Verdict- Thumbs up

G- No mystical Egyptian pictosymbol, 'G' here worked his way into the alphabet the hard way.  Paid his dues, toughed it out in the early days as a variant of ‹c› to distinguish voiced /ɡ/ from voiceless /k/, survived a near-emasculation by 'C', and now stands tall as one of the leading consonants.  Indeed, the ability to have both a hard and soft sound is what makes 'G' a rarity in the rough and tumble world of consonanthood.  He's like a guy who brings flowers home to his wife after work, and beats up muggers with those flowers.  Tough guy- yet sensitive.  Definitely a keeper.

Verdict- Thumbs up

H- Fittingly, 'H' comes across his broad shoulders and stout base by being a fence, or a fence posts.  The only letter to legitimately look like a football goal post, 'H' is awfully submissive and passive for a consonant.  But the other letters love him.  'C', 'G', 'P', 'S', 'T'-  they all like to hang out with with 'H' and just see what kinds of crazy shenanigans they can do to words.  That's why I'm keeping 'H' around.  He's not an all-star caliber guy, but he is great for chemistry, and we're going to need that when the other letters find out that not all of their friends are going to be around after I make cuts.

Verdict- Thumbs up

I-If you read my post on the letter 'E' (and really, by this point there is no reason to have not read it.  It's been around for two years, and I just hyperlinked it today), then you know that my whole plan to usurp the letter 'E' hinges on 'I' and her ability to form a long /e/ sound.  So even though we don't like each other, we have mutual respect for each other.  She knows that I need her to make this thing work, but she has also seen me cull this alphabet with the cold and steady hand of progress, and knows that any number of potential lines with the right curves could be the next Top Vowel.

Verdict- Thumbs up

J-Part of being an avatar for change means that sometimes the old has to go.  There are tough choices to be made, cuts doled out, but at the end of the day a species must survive and that means that the vulnerable are most likely to not make it.  It is with a heavy heart that I must part ways with the letter that starts my name- 'J'.  It's such a nice letter, and it's always served me well.  I like the fact that I can give him a hat sometimes, and that in his minuscule form, he dips below the boundary line.  But the truth is that redundant letters are expendable, and 'J' doesn't do anything that soft 'g' and a random 'dzh' couldn't accomplish (or even a 'Y', as in the word Hallelujah).  For what it's worth, I'll probably spell my name Dzhason Diin Parks under the new regime.  Goodbye, 'J'.  Thanks for the memories.

Verdict- Thumbs down

K- The pictogram for 'K' comes from the symbol for an open hand.  And when I think of 'open hand', I think of someone who is just standing around and not doing anything while I'm busy trying to bring in all the groceries in one trip.  Hey you!  Yes, you.  Look alive now and get the door for me!  Fortunately ,with the dismissal of 'C', 'K' will have lots more work to do.  Idle hands do the devils work, after all...

Verdict- For his own good, Thumbs up

L- 'L' originated as a shepherds staff or a cattle prod.  Which automatically qualifies him for membership.  We need a piece of scalding hot metal to keep these other yahoos in line- especially 'K', who has been freeloading in the sneaky sort of way.

Verdict- Thumbs up

M-Sometimes I think the people who made the old alphabet just haphazardly threw letters in some random, meaningless order.  Other times, I think that they were pretty darn smart.  Take 'M', for instance.  'M' is a picture of water.  So we have lazy 'K', the scorching kit that is 'L', and then a bucket o' water in 'M' to toss at 'K' if he cries like a baby when we brand him.  Like a raging sea of goodness, you can string a series of 'M's together to get Mmmmmmm...which is my very favorite vocable in the entire world.

Verdict- Thumbs up

N- I was seriously going to try to split this right down the middle, so there'd be a nice clean break between parts one and two.  Once I realized that would require separating 'M' and 'N', I changed my mind.  To me, 'M' and 'N' have always been inseparable, right down to my inability to say the alphabet without vocally merging them into one long superletter, pronounced 'EmEn'.  It would probably look like this:

Likewise, there is no way I could be so cold and heartless to keep one without the other.  And actually, both letters are on record as saying 'If he goes, I go'.  And I have zero bargaining position.  So it's kind of hard for me to feel happy about this.

Verdict- Thumbs up

So here's what we're left with for our New Alphabet after 14 letters went through inspection.
ABDFGHIKLMN

Pretty solid list.  What about your ideas?  Think I was too harsh on some, too lenient on others?  I'm not going to change my mind, but I could be persuaded to show a little mercy.  Perhaps...

Tune in again sometime for the conclusion of my occupational ideas!


Pics: Most interesting man- http://images.media.nscdn.com/index.php?src=http://fiveforces.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/most_interesting_man.jpg&size=400x1000 

Phoenix- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9TnrK7WnhHoj1DLoZYUS_O8v75znUrdwHxS9BwYUPhhicFcgtz-UqClVB03QX7gkRkfohNAq7R1xdM6mc1aQKaYve1Z21jpBoxBK5XpCQHvYv4Yngy0NOCHxVLJdbolJDK9jC7Rk0qd4/s1600/gladiator-thumbs-down.jpg

Buses- http://365barrington.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Post-Row-of-Buses.jpg