Snow Flurries Playoffs 2011- We are (almost) the champions!

Our Fantasy Football playoffs are over.  The results are in- and I cameTHISclose to being the champion of the Center League.  THISclose.  In the end, I fell short in the second round against Drew Brees Team Dennis and bowed to a far inferior 7-6 squad Team Dennis.  I'd love to make excuses- really, I would- but in the end, he just had a better day than I did.  Congrats to Dennis, and to the SHEagles, the eventual champion.
And now I get on my soap box.  After I find it.

So this definitely defines why Fantasy Football is so frustrating for me (and millions of people like me, I'd imagine).  I was 11-2, unequivocally the best team in the league, top-3 QB, 4 legit starting RBs, solid WR corps/Defense, the top 2 TEs- and I got bounced by a team that barely made the playoffs simply because I had a bad week at the wrong time against a guy who had a great week at the right time. 

And it's a matchup that almost didn't even happen!  In the first round of the playoffs, Team Dennis beat War Machine 101-100.  1. Single. Point.  Basically that's all that separated me from the glory of playing for the championship, because I would have beat War Machine by almost 40 in the second round.  That's honestly what should have happened- War Machine gets a nice little first round upset, and then gets taken out in the second round by the heavyweight.  That would have been justice, and proof that God does exist.

Instead I spent that Sunday's early games watching in horror as Reggie Bush (where the hell did you come from, Reg?) and Drew Brees combined for almost 75 points by themselves while Team Dennis built a 100 point lead on me heading into the back half of the schedule.  I made a gallant effort to come back but still ended up losing by almost 50 points.  

I do take some solace that even had I made the championship game, I still would have lost (although if I would have played the Giants D...GAH, FUGHETABOUDIT), and I don't want to take anything away from Dennis' win.  I have to acknowledge that for most of the regular season, I managed to avoid the injuries that other people suffered that probably enabled be to win some games that I might not have won if some of my guys had been hurt (fortunately those injuries decided to happen at playoff time).  So 11-2 was probably a bit of a mirage.  My team probably wasn't that good.   

Still, it was a really solid team that unfortunately couldn't withstand the loss of two top RBs so late in the season.  I think that's probably why I won 11 games but lost the championship- I had pretty much the same level of injuries as everyone else did this year, just at the most inopportune time.  In the early going, you can turn an injury into a gold mine with a sweet waiver wire pick-up.  That's how I got Victor Cruz.  But later on in the season, all the guys who are going to score significant points have been gobbled up and you're left with what you have.  For most of the year, that was enough to win.  But not in the playoffs.  Not in the playoffs.

In the end, I was able to rally the troops and walk away with a 125-111 win over arch rival Fergy.  Third place.  Bronze medal.  It feels....okay.  I placed, I guess.  I'm on the victory stand.  But it could have been better.  It should have been better.

However, I did win the championship in my concubine league, which means that yes, I do expect you all to refer to me as the King of the Universe for the next calendar year.  And yes, you do have to do the hand motions that go along with the song.  Because I am, after all, a Fantasy Football champion.

Fantasy Football- the end of an era

In the next couple weeks, I'll be bringing you the trimmings and trappings you normally associate with this blog- my Fantasy Football playoff recap, draft review, and transaction assessment.  It might not be epic, but I guarantee it'll be.  So for the next couple weeks, stay constantly vigilant, with your eyes glued to your computer screen.  Also, I meant that figuratively and not literally.  Just so everyone is on the same page. 

And after that, I think I might be done writing about Fantasy Football for awhile (pause for sad groans).  I don't think I'm done playing it yet- I suspect I have this weird numbers fetish that, combined with my passive aggressive desire for competition leaves a massively gaping hole in my heart that only Fantasy Football can fill.  I just won't be clogging up my blog with it.

I don't know- this season, I've just felt....well, really empty while writing about my exploits.  Maybe it was stuff going on in my personal life that kept me from getting truly attached to my team.  It might be that I actually had success, which removed much of the pain and angst that fueled my prior ramblings.  It could be that my heart is two sizes too small. 

Whatever the reason, I've found that writing about my Fantasy Football team lately has been very stale.  I feel like I'm trying to draw from the well, but all I'm getting is stale jokes and recycled cliche's.  It's just not fun for me.  In the past, it was fun.  It was fun to write a fake eulogy for Ryan Grant.  It was fun to write a mid-season review after an 0-4 start.  It was fun to write about how I stole Dwayne Bowe from Josh in the 5th round.  This year, the fun just hasn't been there.

Like most things that I say, I reserve the right to take this back once next football season hits.  It's very possible that I'll get the desire again when we have our drafts and I want the whole world to know that I picked Player X in the Nth round, and I'm stoked out of my mind because I think he's an absolute steal.  It's very probable that when my (insert early round here) player suffers a serious injury in week (insert low number here) that the sparks in my soul will begin to fly and like the Phoenix my Fantasy Football pieces will rise from the ashes of my apathy.  I don't want to rule anything out at this point.

Well, other than a commitment to writing about Fantasy Football next season. 

Let there be....grass?????

Christmas is tomorrow (already?????) and it looks like it will be a white one...barely.  Seriously, we have less than an inch of snow on the ground and we only have that because of snow fall a couple days ago.  December is a month when the Christmas spirit is supposed to be augmented by the white falling water crystals like how you get the sneak-attack bonus while using an enchanted weapon (sorry...might have been up too late last night playing Skyrim).  Instead, we had to deal with patches of ice and fields of frozen mud and dead grass all month.  How freaking depressing!

At least we have some snow, though.  And I'm hoping that this little tiny snow we have will stay through at least tomorrow.  Unfortunately, tomorrow is supposed to get past the magic number (32) in temperature, and the next day warmer still.  Goodbye snow- I sure will miss you! 

Sadly it seems that my moving to Marquette has effectively killed the Epic Snowstorm industry that I have heard so much about.  I wouldn't be surprised if the six winters I've been up here are the six worst years in terms of accumulated snow fall.  I also wouldn't be surprised if you told me the sun revolves around me.

So in order to keep myself from gluing cotton balls all over the front yard in order to stave off the depression, I've been pondering global warming.  Probably doesn't seem like something you'd want to think about to try and keep from being depressed about the weather, but that's the way my mind works.  I think about global warming, and the effects that it might have on, say, weak snow storms where I'm at and huge snow storms in places that aren't supposed to get huge snow storms.  And now I'm depressed again.  AARRGGHH (runs off to watch Frosty Returns). 

As far as global warming goes, I personally know just enough to have an extremely uninformed opinion, so if you came here looking for the usual wisdom, counsel, and guidance that I usually offer...well then stick around, because that's exactly what you're going to get.  Merry ChristMAS!!!

Admittedly, I should know more about the subject.  But even though I'm (for all intents and purposes, willfully) ignorant,  I do try to do my part to be an ecologically responsible citizen.  I walk to work sometimes (hopefully more frequently when the weather warms up).  I shut lights off in rooms that I'm not in.  I recycle.  I eat cardboard (not true).  Sometimes I even hold my breath- anything to reduce my personal carbon foot print. 

But sometimesI wonder if this climate change is just a natural thing that we're caught in the middle of and global warming is our attempt to understand and make sense of it.  Sure, that's a tremendous simplification.  Still, think about various times in our history when things were drastically different than they are now.  The ice age, for example.  Obviously the Earth was not always covered in ice- it gradually had to change to get that way- except that it's not still covered in ice, so clearly there was another ginormous gradual change.  And yet, here we are today, after all that massive change and the countless tragedies in terms of the loss of plant and animal life.  Ta-da!

Our world today did not just happen like some magical pop-up book.  The world as we know it has been violently shaken and crafted by the impartially cruel forces of nature.  And it will continue to happen, regardless of what we do or don't do.  Maybe global warming, then, is less a 'thing' and more of a label to help us feel like we are at least a little bit in control of things that we are really not in control of at all. 

That doesn't mean that I am advocating for a hummer in every heated garage or loosened smog restrictions.  It bothers me that people are cutting down forests to make golf courses and luxury hotels.  I'm against the blatant misuse of resources.  I have kids, after all, and I would really like them to be able to grow up in a world that more resembles Max and Ruby than it does Mad Max (actually...scratch that, because that would mean that four-foot tall talking female rabbits would be the dominant species). 

For now all I wish is that we could have a white Christmas.  Just like the ones I used to know.

9 vs 0 yardage analysis for Fantasy Football update 2

Again with the promises and dropping of the ball!!  So a couple months back I wrote you how I was working midnight shift, and how when things came back to normal that I'd hopefully (note that I did not use an absolute quantifier.  Only the Sith deal in absolutes, after all) get a chance to resume my ground breaking research.

Unfortunately that hasn't happened.  And seeing that I am now working much more than I was even then, I'm honestly not sure when I'll get around to it.  I know one person for sure was looking forward to reading my findings, and I hypothesize that there may have been as many as three.  And your faith in my world-shaking project will not be in vain.  It will just have to wait.  For an indefinite period of time.

So, Christmas...

Snow Flurries 2011- The March of the Penguins continues

Do you know why I'm writing about my Fantasy Football team this week?  Do you?  Huh, huh?  Do ya do ya do ya????  Also, imagine I'm pretending to poke you while being about a half inch from you.  Sorry about the over exuberance- I just can't help it.  I'm on a bye week this week!  Do you even know what that  means?  Why, simply this- I had one of the top two records (well, actually the best record...just saying) , so while the playoffs are starting for the rest of my league, me and my boys are going to be sitting beside a pool somewhere in Marquette and...okay, well it's like 1°F with a wind chill of -9°F right now, so we're probably not at an outdoor pool...come to think of it we're probably in like a Best Western or something.  Man, this sucks.  Wish we were playing.

Anyhow, sorry if that came across a little bit insufferably jerky- it's just that you literally no idea how shocked and surprised I am that my team has not only done well this year- but it has done VERY well.  Sure, I could lose next week and go home with the consolation prize of 'Paper Champion'.  But for a guy who had never had a winning season before, to have the best team in the league this late in the season...well, it's a pretty big deal.  And so over the next couple weeks, I will probably continue to write insufferable jerk things about my Fantasy team (even more so if I actually, you know, win at all in the playoffs). 

But I know you really love this because you've seen me bare my heart and soul on these pages, and you know the pain and suffering I've endured the last two years and you're probably just really happy for me.  Therefore I'll continue to indulge you with what is essentially "Chicken Soup for the Fantasy Football player's soul".


 Week 8- This week, I realized that the term 'Fantasy Football' is actually quite a misnomer.  See, if this was my 'fantasy', then my best players would never have bye weeks at the same time, they would never get hurt, and they would always have 'green' matchups.  So in reality, "Fantasy" Football usually ends up being "AARRGGH  FRICKING STUPID #*%*" Football and I hate it.  Week 8 found me facing the expansion L'Anse SHEagles, with (so I thought) all three of my top RBs out (two with bye weeks) and many of my other players caught in 'red' matchups (Note: I'm not actually going to explain the difference between 'green' and 'red'.  Feel free to make up your own definitions).  My team was brave and almost pulled out the win, but ended up on the short end of a 113-102 score.
What went right-Victor Cruz (15) and Mario Manningham (12) looked good in my WR corps.  Nick Novak had 15 in the K slot.  And I only lost by 11 points.  So that's a good thing- a positive I can build off of, right?  RIGHT????

This doesn't have anything to do with this article- but anytime you can post a picture of a football player peeing on the sidelines...well, you do it.  You just do.

What went wrong- Earlier, I alluded to the belief that my top three RBs were unavailable to play for me.  Of course, Beanie Wells wasn't really out- he just let me think he was all week.  He must have had, like, his own personal healing crusade, going from "season ending injury" to "maybe see some action versus the Angry Ravens" to "14 points".  Thanks Beanie.  Thanks for the heads up.  JERK.  Tom Brady struggled so badly in Pittsburgh (even though he had 19 points) that I seriously went out and started checking out other QBs.  What's that- Curtis Painter is still availble?  Interesting (strokes chin)....  It didn't help that all the NFL talking heads kept going on and on about how the league had figured out how to stop the Patriots.  
Bonehead move- Analyzing each game like it's a middle school relationship.  Seriously, I am running out of ways to discuss my inability to grasp reality when it comes to Fantasy Football.  Aside from the whole 'it's not really real' aspect, I cannot understand my lack of understanding that, despite having poor matchups and some injuries, I almost won this game.  This was not a bad loss- and yet, mentally, the dip to a 6-2 record somehow forced me to tighten the belt-strap of my positive outlook and plan for another playoff-less year.  After an 11 point loss.  Dear God, what's wrong with me????

Week 9- Oh, great.  A matchup with War Machine, my other nemesis- just when things are falling apart.  Perfect!  That's just great.  This is the guy that knocked me out of the playoffs a couple years ago.  This is the guy that I always seem to make some really dumb move when I'm playing against him that costs me the game.  And while I didn't get the most out of my matchups this week, I was able to pull off a 102-99 thriller.   
What went right- I'm going to have to start calling Matt Forte "The Closer", since for whatever reason he always seems to be one of my last players playing and has never failed to score enough points to secure the win.  This week he had 11, which paired with DeSean Jackson's 0, enabled me to eek out the improbable victory.  Of course, it wouldn't have been so improbable if I hadn't left Gronkowski's 17 and Nelsons 17 on the bench.  Brady ended my brief flirtation with Painter by scoring 20, and Michael Bush had 18 in relief of the injured RunDMC.
What went wrong- Once again I'm bitten by the "Smart move turned stupid by WTFness".  DeMarch Murry, a third round pick who had been playing semi-sporadically, racks up 18 points against the #6 defense.  Obviously I sat him.  Beanie Wells, meanwhile, faced off against the next-to-last ranked defense- and accumulated a whole 3 points.  Obviously I played him. 
Bonehead move- I think it's because I'm starting to realize that this whole thing is a crapshoot and there really are no great or bonehead moves except in hindsight, but I probably played my roster the right way this week.  Even though I left lots of points on the bench, my theories behind them were usually sound, and things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would.  Wait a minute, was that cool-headed logic I just applied?  I think I need to lie down.

Week 10- Whew!  That was close.  No time to enjoy a hard earned win though- not with Bullies coming into town for a rematch.  A win coupled with a loss by War Machine or Disco will guarantee me a playoff spot.  And I did my part (almost doubling him up, 158-80, as my team remembers that it kicks serious ass), therefore reducing the magic number to clinching not just a playoff spot- but the division- to 1 game. 
What went right- I had 7 of 9 guys go for double digits.  Brady had 32 and put Curtis Painter so far back on the rear view mirror he looks like Kurt Cobain.  Bush had 30 on the Thursday night game, which gave me a little bit of relief after a couple stress-filled Sabbaths.  Murray had 23 and Nelson had 18. 
What went wrong- Picking nits, but Gronkowski had 24 points on my bench.  When you win by 78 it's difficult sometimes to pick out the bad.  Which you have to do, or these slackers will turn soft.
Bonehead move- At this point, things are going the best they ever have in my Fantasy Football career.  My roster, as I've said before, often sets itself.  I have tremendous depth at RB and TE, with a great QB, a solid D, and enough points from WR and K to fill in the blanks.  No bonehead move this week.  Other than Gronkowski. 

Week 11- A rematch with Disco, who has turned things around (4-1 in his last 5) and is now in the thick of the playoff hunt.  A win here and I pretty much clinch the division.  And (as I like to think I am wont to do in such situations) I put the lumber to Disco, 137-65 (my 2nd straight week of high scoringness) and clinch the division.  Hello, playoffs- it's been awhile!
What went right- Hmmm....should I start with Nelson's 25?  Or how about Gronkowskis 21?  Maybe Brady should get some props for his 20.  But I'll give the props to Cruz, who had 19 and is pretty much the best waiver wire pick-up I've ever had.  A special shout-out to Kevin Smith for the huge, HUGE game he had for the Lions.  No, he wasn't on my roster- and Disco didn't leave him on the bench.  No, Smith was racking up 39 points for the Lions for the Knights while Mercury Morris (starting for team Disco) was more importantly not racking up those points. 
What went wrong- Nothing for me (other than Mike Williams' 14 point resurrection from the dead) - but poor Disco.  Chris Johnson continued his campaign to forever be the highest paid RB by making sure other teams never ever give contract extensions to their RBs again.  This time, it was a 2 point stinker.  Of course, there's not too much sympathy from a former 4-9 squad given to the 2-time defending champs.  I just needed to write something about Chris Johnson and how much he sucks this year. 
Bonehead move- None.  Zip.  Zero.  I was flawless this week.  Well, other than I could have played Mike Williams and got some more points.  But then I would have had to play Mike Williams.  And that would have been a bonehead move.

Week 12- So this must be what retirement is like- you work, work, work for your whole lifetime (or in this case, 11 weeks) and when you're done, you just kind of...sit there, I guess?  Because having clinched the division and a first round bye with 2 weeks to go...I'm not sure what I should do.  I can't rest my starters, because they aren't really resting- so I guess I'll just keep kicking ass and taking names.  This week I rematch against Team Knights, and since the Lions (which are the lifeblood of the Knights) play on Turkey day, I knew that by Friday I would know whether or not I'd most likely win or not.  And it turns out that I did win, rather handily, by a score of 153-90.  For the third straight week (and fifth time overall) I have the highest score in the league.  At this point I keep pinching myself to makOUCH!!  Yup.  Not dreaming.
What went right- Tom (35 points) you know I wouldn't have traded you for real, right?  Please tell me you know my sudden infatuation with Curtis Painter was mostly because I saw him from behind.  You've always been the QB for me, Tom.  Jimmy Graham (20), Cruz (28), and the Ravens D (25) all crack the 20 mark.  And sadly (for the Lions fan who lives somewhere in the closet of my brain) the Lions struggle, which means that Team Knights struggled.
What went wrong- But it's a good thing the Lions struggled- because I would have been simply livid with myself had my sitting of Beanie Wells (and his 28 points) came back to bite me.  I know, I know- he was playing against the Rams- how could I sit him?  To which I would have replied, 'How could I not sit him?'.  Last time they played the Rams, he had 2 whole points.  I remember that game, because I had been so excited to play him against the Rams- 2 points.  2!  Additionally, they said he was pretty banged up.  And John Skelton was his QB.  So that's why I sat him.  And his 28 points.  But it wasn't just wells.  Even Donald Brown had 15 points.  And Mike Williams had 12.  It's like my bench guys are starting to riot.  There's too many points- I can't keep them under control, warden!!!
Bonehead move- Having my bench guys use up their cosmically allotted groups of points.  I didn't need any extra points, fellas!  I won by 63 this week.  Why didn't you use those earlier this year, Mike?  Beanie, where were some of those 28 points the last time you played the Rams?  YOU'RE KILLING ME GUYS!!!  KILLING ME!!!

Week 13- A late season divisional rematch against Dennis with...well, nothing on the line?  The stakes in this pre-playoff tune-up are....surprisingly low?  My goodness.  What a crazy year this has been.  But I've been rolling, and life's been good.  I clinched a playoff spot a few weeks ago, clinched the division last week, and Week 12 saw me clinch the top overall seed.  What to play for, really?  I guess 11-2 looks better than 10-3- and who wouldn't want to enter the playoffs on a high note, right?  So obviously I went out and won 106-91 to cap what has been (and will most likely be) the most glorious year of my Fantasy Football career.
What went right- This win largely came down to luck as opposed to skill.  Stephen Jackson (for Dennis) was playing against the 49ers behind the immortal A.J. Feeley.  Given those two facts, his 2 points was probably more like 13-14.  Brady (23) and Gronkowski (24) combined for almost 50 points, and the Ravens D had 27.
What went wrong- Forget about the fact that Bush and Murray each had only 3 points while Wells (12) and Brown (11) languished on my bench. The Closer got hurt early in the Chiefs game.  It didn't hurt me this week, and it might not even hurt me in the playoffs (since I'm freaking LOAD-ed).  Still, if there's ever a time when you want your #1 RB to get a season ending injury, it's definitely not in a meaningless tune-up game right before the playoffs.  Seriously Matt- I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I played you- I just...well, I just felt the peer pressure, and those guys are all still fighting for their playoff lives (bless their hearts) and I didn't want to make it seem like I was being unfair, and I....okay, I'll stop.  Just please, get better soon!
Bonehead move- Leaving my RB situation potentially in the hands of a rookie, a Colt, and Beanie Wells.  Seriously.  I think that my WRs are going to have to carry me now in the playoffs, and while they've shown that they theoretically can do that...I don't even want to go there.  I need to go lie down again.

So I'll be honest- this season review was hard to write.  When things are going poorly, it's so much easier for words to flow like water from the broken places of my soul onto the screen.  But man, when things are going good?  It's just a pain in the butt to try and think of ways to celebrate my awesomeness.  I only came up with, like, five. 

As far as the playoffs, I think I have a real good shot at taking it all.  But I also know that anything can happen.  For instance, if the playoffs had started this week (and I didn't have my, you know, FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF BYE!!!!!)
then most of the teams in our league would have bounced me from the playoffs.  So we'll see what happens.  The only thing I know for sure is that a huge episode of pain and misery is only one misplay or one injury away.  Ah yes, there's that good old defeatist cynicism I've been missing!

PIC-Chicken soup- http://www.blogcdn.com/www.kitchendaily.com/media/2010/05/chicken-in-pot-240.jpg
Novak- http://larrybrownsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/nick-novak-peeing-530x363.jpg

5 secretly traumatic Christmas songs

Aside from religious wars, annoying relatives (uh...that I've heard about.  Not any of my relatives.  Moving on) and Linnea calender inserts as gifts, Christmas is a peace-filled, loving, and hopeful season that brings out the Thomas Kinkade painting in all of us.

Just let me know when you've stopped throwing up

But the holidays are not all baby deer and rainbow brooks- Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year.  Financial concerns, family stresses, and trying to keep up with the Jones' can make any jolly old elf start dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas.

But even when things are at their absolute worst, you can always listen to Christmas songs.  Beacons of light and hope, they are full of heartwarming innocence and wonder.  Well, except for the following five songs, which are harboring secret messages of tragedy and trauma and seem to be working to push cognitively unstable people off the edge of their mental cliffs, possibly to serve as minions for Santa in his power play for world domination.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

5) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

To a kid, about the only thing grosser than the idea of kissing is the idea of your parents kissing.  Most kids freak out at the thought of their parents being intimate.  Understandable, since that is the yuckiest thing ever.  So this song already provides a little bit of trauma right there.  This poor little kid, sneaking downstairs hoping to catch a glimpse of the mysterious enigma of Santa Claus, only OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING- KISSING???? BLECH....and then, he sees it.

Wait a minute- mommy's not kissing Daddy.  Mommy's kissing Santa Claus.

Kids aren't generally relationship savants, but even they know that mommies are only supposed to kiss daddies.  Sure, maybe the kid would think 'Hey it might be kind of cool to have a new dad who has access to magic flying reindeer and literally every toy I've ever wanted'.  More than likely, the child would retreat into an internal safe place where you don't have to worry about your mom leaving the family for a land of elves and candy canes to live with an ageless old geezer while you and your dad live out the rest of your days eating baked beans by the trash can fire.

4) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

The only reason the lyrics to this song don't make us piss our pants every time we hear it (other than Bruce Springsteen's oddly reassuring fake laugh) is that Santa Claus (SPOILER) isn't actually real.  Which is a good thing, because the Santa Claus of this song is a mixture of a vengeful deity, big government, and Edward Cullen.

- You better watch out
You better not cry
Generally when you tell someone they had 'better watch out', it's not because you're genuinely concerned for their well-being.  It's because you want them to know that you are a force to be reckoned with and quite possibly a loose cannon as well.  Santa starts off his triumphant procession into town by letting everyone know that he is fully capable of kicking ass and taking names.

-He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice

So I'm fine with a system of checks and balances.  I understand that Santa wants to have standards, and I think he should.  After all, you don't want to be spending all your time and magic making gifts for kids that really don't deserve them.  It's what makes Christmas work.  You have to be good all year so you get that big pay out at the end.  Otherwise, society falls apart.  It's not that part that bothers me (although considering Santa's bullying tendencies, it is a little disconcerting).  No, the problem is this...

-He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good

This is where things get pretty creepy.  We've already established that Santa is a bully.  Now we find out that he's pretty much an omniscient voyeur who is constantly stalking you and keeping track of your actions- and the tone of this song would suggest that he is just waiting for that one moment, that one time when you slip up and let your defenses down.  BANG. 

You just got taken out by the naughty list.  Merry Christmas.

3) Santa Baby

My friend Summer pointed out that this song paints a gold-digging picture of women and implies that a woman finds her worth in being good looking and having a rich man give them lots of fancy stuff (as opposed to earning it herself).  Now she's really smart and a woman (um....I don't mean that in a scientific discovery sort of way- like, World's first actually smart woman found frozen in ice cave) so I can't comment too much on her thoughts (But she's right).

No, I want to focus on the fact that the woman singing the song seems to be suffering from a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.    It's not fatal- it'll probably just lead to the downfall of Christmas.

In case you didn't read the hyperlink, here's a few of the symptoms of NPD.  Let me know if any of these sound familiar:
•Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
•Exaggerate achievements and talents
•Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
•Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
•Pursue mainly selfish goals

Obviously this woman is blatantly trying to rip off the 'Be good/get free stuff' holiday system by being marginally good and asking for way more stuff than any one person should be.  Amongst the things she asks for are: a sable (not sure what a sable is.  It could be this.  Or this), a light blue '54 convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, blank checks (already signed, presumably from Santa's magical money bank), and something else...what is it...oh yeah.  A ring.  Not on the phone either.  A ring.

No, no, no- not The Ring- just a ring. 

She's not the kind of person that can accept that, maybe this year you only get the '54 convertible and the blank checks but you'll have to wait until next year for the other stuff.  No, she's like SANTA BRING ME ALL MY STUFF RIGHT NOW!!!! 

But when is right now?  Is it Christmas eve?  If so, isn't it a little unreasonable to present Santa with the above Christmas list on the night before Christmas???  Sure, Santa has some magic- but little elves make most of the stuff.  You think you can just place an order for an antique car, a yacht, and a duplex like elves are some fantasy short order cooks?  And if it's not Christmas eve, then who does she think she is, ordering Santa to make an extra trip?

Really, she should be thankful to get anything.  Despite her claims to have been an 'awful good girl', she offers very little evidence to support her claim.  Apparently by missing out on tons of fun and not kissing a bunch of dudes, she thinks that she's somehow the Mother Theresa of gift requesters.  Well you know what lady?  I didn't have much fun this year- it's called "being poor".  And I didn't go around kissing a bunch of other people, either.  It's called "I love my wife".  But you don't see me asking for a bunch of crap for Christmas- the only thing from your list that remotely appeals to me is the blank checks from Santa.  And I might not be a good guy, just so you know.

Nonetheless, I think Santa will do the right thing.  I trust Santa's decision making- this is the same guy that initially denied Ralphie's request for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle because of concerns about shooting his eye out.  But after reading this list, Santa might bypass 'well she can't have this/this/that' and just go straight to 'I quit'.  If you spend any time around older people, you know some of the disdain they have for the entitlement of our generation.  Well imagine being as old as Santa Claus and spending your entire life revolving around giving people nice things for free and never really receiving the proper thanks.  Now imagine that some woman unloads a Christmas list worth more than some small countries and demands immediate service.  Sounds like retirement to me.

2) Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Thanks to the wonder of claymation, we all know the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.  The upstart mutant freak of the North Pole saved the day, married the girl, and lived happily ever after. 

Except he didn't.

Because the song leaves us right before Rudolph leaves on his big Christmas saving adventure.  We literally don't know what happened the next day, or any of the days after.  Sure, the other reindeer say 'you'll go down in history'- but that's just because Rudolph is about to bail them out big time.  They'd say anything to get him to help them out.

So what do you think happens when the reindeer return to the North Pole?  They're returning to the same culture where Rudolph was repeatedly ostracized for his glowing non-conformity.  The ones that hated him before will have even more reason to hate him now that they see everyone fawning over him for saving Christmas.  And that hatred will burn even brighter- you could even say it'll glow.  Life is not some cheesy movie or simple song- the apparent instantaneous transformation from disableists to Rudo!ph 4ever!sts probably has more to do with the fact that he was saving their asses than it does any change of heart.  Now that they're back in the normal routine, they'll realize that they still hate Rudolph.

It's no coincidence that Rudolph is pretty much never heard from again (despite the songs' claims that he is 'the most famous reindeer of all').  Rudolph is the classic shooting star- he came out of nowhere, saved Christmas, and then disappeared from the scene forever.  And do you know why we probably never heard about Rudolph again?  Because the other reindeer finally let him play some reindeer games.  Specifically the 'Gut Rudolph And Dump The Body' one. 

1) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

I know, I said songs that were 'secretly' tragic.  So how does this one qualify- the tragedy is in the fracking title!

To which I say 'Yes, yes it is'.  Obviously it would be horrible to have a relative die on Christmas eve in any fashion.  The fact that the family dresses in black, returns gifts, and eats fig pudding speaks about the terrible, inconsolable Christmas that they had this year.  And even as the years go on, as the pain slowly fades away there will still be a twinge of regret about the events of that fated Christmas eve.

Regret, mixed with vile hatred and an insatiable thirst for revenge.  Because the tragedy is not what happens to grandma, but what is spawned from the aftermath of her death.

Let's start with the premise that there is some tension between the Santa Claus faithful and the non-believing element.  Evidently in this Santa Claus-exists universe, there is a crisis of faith.  How there can be such a crisis of faith in a world where Santa is real, I don't know- but they are having one.  It must be at least a decently sized group, since the implication is that it took the death of grandma at Santa's hands for grandpa to believe.

So Santa Claus, needing to reestablish his legitimacy, accidentally runs over some old woman while out on his rounds.  Now, the whole thing is probably just a misunderstanding gone wrong.  Some drunk elderly woman (who had forgot her medication) walking home on a snowy night gets run over by reindeer-drawn sleigh.  It happens.  Most likely what happened is that Santa is simply guilty of negligent homicide.  He should have left a note with his contact info and insurance information.  Or at the very least, hide the body.  End of issue.

Instead, Santa not only leaves the body with no expression of recourse or remorse- but he plants Claus marks on her back.   I'm not sure what a Claus mark is, but it's enough of a mark to where people can see it and say 'Oh my God- this was the work of Santa Claus!'.  Yup- this story just took a turn into serial killer land.

But Santa is not a serial killer- he's a father figure who has fallen on hard times and is trying to protect his family.  The whole Christmas operation runs on the Christmas spirit that, for whatever reason, seems to be dwindling.  Faced with making tough choices like laying off elves or possibly cutting back on presents, Santa has to do something drastic to reignite the passion in everyones hearts.  Unfortunately, he's a little out of touch with the mainstream and doesn't realize that it's not really acceptable to kill people and leave their bodies lying around as a form of communication.

Grandma's family takes this action personally and funnels their passion into an anti-Santa bunker mentality.  This family has decided that this one simple, probable accident is the last straw and they want to revoke Santa's license.  Whatever it was that happened on that fateful night, Santa Claus can look forward to an eternity of 'God hates Santa' posters and Christmas eve picketers on rooftops all over the Bible Belt. 

Imagine a universe where Santa Claus is solely responsible for creating Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.  Because that's what will likely happen after grandma's funeral is over.  Praise the Lord- and pass the ammunition.

PIC- Kinkade http://www.kinkadecentral.com/kinkade-2010-bambis-first-year-1st-art-disney-thomas.jpg
Firearms- http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/27/article-2066860-0EF6BD5E00000578-307_636x392.jpg
Santa- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUH0nCGo0HvKgoFB8AN48wWJanjw0g6mn_zbqRC5d6diKso6m-JN5tAW-8_dZo0Tj16-5P8_7kNsCbJE1ekb93jFzQSA3WLKiu1kgo5GbKBVyD64GVcWGuV5P759HLMVhww_8jvpAZrEP9/s1600/url.jpeg
Elf sniper- http://www.victoryforce.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=VFM&Product_Code=770111&Category_Code=storybook
The Ring- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXtIvpih8Cs9O2WH02iL7F27mr_ABOfssoa5j3EKPBRqBMnzbuussN5mVeWfVoEKTwp645nwT3c3g1KkE_ZDelal8Rd4i9UgmZhbik9hZvpiPxdF2AplCtWAigeCWqHCkVRVT92Z9Mw_M/s1600/655b6f0c-baca-411b-a3a6-8f0be0207a4a_Samara_Morgan.jpg
Fred Phelps- http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060922084242/wikiality/images/1/1e/Fred_Phelps.png

Get a Bachelors Degree in Whatever It Was You Could Already Do

This Monday, I start my second job at the elementary school.  For those of you not strategically tapped into my brain waves, I'm going to be working in a functional learning skills classroom with children with some pretty severe developmental disabilities.  I know it's going to be hard work and there will be many challenging days.  Plus I'll still be working at my current job, so I'll be working literally every day of the week (around 60 hours per week in total.  Yup.  I'm badass).  Nonetheless, I'm very excited about this opportunity.  Which, given the hopelessness in my job searching since graduation, is no small feat.

It's been a year and a half since I graduated, and the only jobs I've been able to secure are the ones that I could have got with a mere high school education.  Don't get me wrong- I've enjoyed most of those jobs.  I've had fun, got some nice experience, and met some great people.  But it is slightly frustrating to have spent mucho mula to go to college to get jobs that I could have with my trusty high school diploma. 

Not that I would give back my college experience for anything.  I learned so much about the world I live in, I met a phenomenal group of women that taught me just as much as the professors did (a metric crap-ton), and I got some nice looking trophies to hang on my resume.  I got to be the first person in my immediate family to graduate from college and that is an achievement that I do not take lightly.  And my children got to see me walk across the stage to receive my degree, so they see that there is some value in hard work and perseverance. 

Of course, it's a good thing I learned to persevere so that when I graduated I could find a series of part time jobs to work hard at so we could barely stay afloat.  Post college life has been a struggle.  Before I got this job at the school, I hadn't been able to find anyone willing to hire me for more than 24 hours a week or $8 an hour (I don't count my time as an AFT because that was like a paid three-month tour of duty in hell).  Not from lack of effort- there's just not that much out here in the U.P.  I even applied at Target and Wal-Mart!  All I got was a 'Thanks but no thanks' e-mail from Target and no call back from Wal-Mart. I guess it was just as depressing for them to think about hiring a 32-year old college graduate as it was for me to think about working there.

I shouldn't take it so personally though.  The fact is that more kids are graduating from college today than in the past, and so the field of potential employees for limited jobs is now a much more competitive one (for better and for worse).  I didn't get a case manager position at the social service agency I work for now because a couple of other BSWs had applied for the same position.  Sure, I have reason to believe that I was the better candidate based on my resume (and my self-affirmation bias) but the reality is that there are more and more people who look like me (just on paper, thank God) in the search for jobs.

The structure of the employment market is different too.  Back in the day, you could afford to graduate from high school and get a nice factory job that would pay you good, middle-class money and you could work there for 30 years or whatever and then retire.  BOOM.  Sure, there were elite jobs that required college, but you could still make a good living without it.

Nowadays, the same hierarchical job structure is there, except that the factory-type job paying middle-class money with benefits has been outsourced to other countries.   So the middle and lower jobs saw a shift downwards in the income level, but now you have to spend around $50,000 just to have a chance to get rejected from these lesser jobs.  Unless you go to a rich school where you can make some meaningful ($$$) connections.

Even then, in this era of affirmative action and equal hiring policies you see the 'Old boys network' slowly eroding away.  Sure, there are places that you can get a job just based on who you know (and the reality is that social networks do play a role in getting many jobs), but it's getting harder and harder to simply cash in a favor for such work.  Trust me, I know.  I now have a negative favor balance and a restraining order from Shop-ko.

And even though I've had some nice experiences, apparently they haven't been the right ones.  In my quest to thrust myself into the upper-lower class, I have found a plethora of jobs that all seem to be looking for this one thing- experience.  Unfortunately you need experience to get experience and they won't hire you without experience.  It's like a circular logic merry-go-round, and I'm trying to jump on it...except the guy spinning it is the Incredible Hulk.

And he's drinking what looks to be Campells Grape-flavored soup.  Must have been a '70's thing...

Say what you will about Occupy Wall Street (I guess really I should just say Occupy X, since prit-near every city has their own Occupy movement now), but the basic premise of the movement is sound.  There is a disparity in our society.  It's easy to point the finger at poor people and call them lazy or entitled  or whatever, but there are people out there who are willing and able to work hard- there just aren't many opportunities to work hard and make a decent living.  Yes, my life as an American in poverty is much, much better than most of the poor people (and even some non-poor people) elsewhere in the world.  I'm thankful for what I have and for the opportunities that I've been afforded.

But the American Dream wasn't built on the idea that hard work and sacrifice will get you the exact same thing that just doing the bare minimum would.  No, that's just what the latest version of it has become.
PS- Since I'll be working around 60 hours per week between my two jobs, I can't promise that my blog will receive the tender love and care that you've come to expect from me.  I do hope to update it often enough for it to not fade into oblivion...but I don't know how much energy I'll have at the end of each day, either.  Regardless of what happens in the short term, I at http://www.youshouldknowjasonparks.blogspot.com/ am not leaving and will continue to sporadically give you the same level of post quality as I did back when I was a underemployed stay-at-home dad/bum.  Which I suppose could be taken as a sign to abandon ship, I don't know.

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8a2R8quOv29yPI1rKBRuFk8hWLPhjcmv0BOuQwUmVUBVmc-QOC8lBKg8KKTak-nJQ-1xCKQnJvrGBzlAeoq2NZL8MEKUeh92kj1Ka1crRZbV6QA79x53P_OKh4CePgkTfcoC5gxEtFNsm/s1600/bixby_hulk5.jpg