Brush your teeth and lyrical content- an objective commentary

Currently I have a job where I listen to children's music.  Lots of children's music.  Nay, TONS of children's music.  Anyone else would go insane from listening to all the major chords, 4/4 time signatures, and repetitive lyrics that I have get to.  That's a shame though, because actually the experience has turned me into one of the coolest kids on the playground and allowed my mind to visit a beautiful world that it hasn't been to since...well, okay, it's pretty much there all the time.

That said, having spent over five months as a virtual man-child, it has become increasingly apparent to me that adults who write children's songs think children are either 1) stupid or 2) not paying attention.

I understand that kids don't have a wealth of world experiences and aren't cognitively up to snuff when it comes to processing life as we know it.   Naturally then, adults compensate for these shortcomings by creating songs and shows that are so far outside of the realm of human experience that it's a wonder our kids don't grow up flinging poop and swinging from trees.  Seriously, the disconnect between reality and children's entertainment is so severe that it's a miracle more McDonalds transactions don't end up like this one:

To demonstrate this I'm going to analyze one song in particular- a little diddy called "Brush your teeth".  This song was (probably) made famous by Raffi, and I really hate to rag on the dude who is basically the Beatles of children's music- but these lyrics are so recklessly irresponsible that I feel it is my civic duty to draw the line between innocent teeth brushing- and unsupervised late night shenanigans.

Pictured: What happens when unsupervised late night shenanigans meet second-rate cosmetologists

For your convenience, the lyrics are in italics.  You're welcome.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to one
And you want to have a little fun,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

First off, I have to be honest- I have an extremely soft spot for that little "ch ch ch" bit- but in no way does that make it okay for a little kid to be waking up at 12:45 for any reason- even if it's to brush their teeth.  Besides, you had all day to have fun, and when I tried to get you to brush your teeth after breakfast, you got all defiant and yelled at me and then when I told you that you had earned a time-out you hit me- so if you try to tell me you want to brush your teeth now, then basically I am going to ground you until your baby teeth fall out.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to two
And you want to find something to do,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

I have a great idea of something you can do- GET YOUR BUTT BACK TO BED.  Seriously, 1:45 a.m. is not the time to try and cure boredom.  Hit the hay, get a good night's rest, and we'll brush those teeth tomorrow when daddy is not stumbling around in the dark and OWWWWW!!!  WHO LEFT THE FREAKING LEGOS OUT??????

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to three
And your mind starts humming a tweedle dee dee,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Take it from my old pal Ted Mosby- nothing good happens after 2:30.  At this point, you should be well in the throes of a good nights sleep.  Certainly if you happen to wake up around this time, the last thing you should be doing is making ANY noise WHATSOEVER, let alone humming 'a tweedle dee dee'...because I'm a light sleeper who has a penchant for getting songs stuck in his head and a cranky disposition when sleep deprived.

YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M...YAAAWWWWNNN...

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to four
And you think you hear a knock at the door,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Okay kids, here's a little lesson in self-preservation.  If it's 3:45 a.m. and you hear a knock on the door, DO NOT saunter to the bathroom to preform oral hygiene.  Instead, it'd be much, much better to sit up quietly...listen for the knock again, and quickly (and quietly) make way for your parents room.  If you have a phone handy, you should prepare to dial 911.  There are certain types of people that tend to knock on doors at this ungodly hour, and they aren't dentists.

All of the above advice can be ignored if you happen to have a firearm handy...in which case you should just answer the door because it's probably child protective services coming to get you the heck out of there.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to five
And you just can't wait to come alive,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Fine.  You win.  Just go brush your teeth.

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