WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament

Before I begin my Championship Tournament Tour, I have a confession, and since part of my gimmick is going to be treading on history and lore of Wrestling Past...I feel like you should just know that wrestling wasn't this huge, huge part of my formative years.  Obviously it was a part of it- I have some strong attachments to the late 80s/early 90s roster of grapplers and in truth I have earlier memories of wrestling than I do hockey or basketball.  But as I watch the 'Behind the Scenes' shows on the WWE Network (seriously, if you like wrestling even a little bit, you should get it because it's fantastic) and see all these people with very vivid memories of certain events...I realize that I don't have a lot of significant/specific wrestling moments.  I don't know if we ever purchased a Pay-per-View.  I didn't watch wrestling every week, and I certainly wasn't a Tape Trader.  I'm a casual fan at best.

So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory.  If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory.  Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was.  The same will probably go for wrestlers.  And I hope that we can all be okay with that.

With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!

Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles.  And yes, they were all awesome.

1st Round:

David Otunga vs Hollywood Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match.  This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.

1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title.  Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless.  After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.

Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren Young- An old-fashioned squash match.  The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?

Answer: I don't know

Adrian Neville vs George RR Martin- First off, let me just say that 'RR' is right up there with 'W' and 'The' in the pantheon of middle names.  I feel like giving your child one of those middle names automatically gives them 1,000,000 Future Success XPs.    

This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking.  You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner.  In the other corner, you have an elf:

What?

 No, not that guy.  Hang on here...

Uh nope

Pictured: An elf.

For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.  

Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi. 

A guy who can't even beat meat.

After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win.  So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude Adjustment for the win. The end.

Big Show (Retro) vs Kane  - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other.  That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious.  Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere.  Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts. 

Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar.  This was a dramatic and competitive affair.  Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata.  Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.

Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy.  Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.         

Pictured: 1970s sex symbol

Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!).  And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.

2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan.  NWO 4 life, friends.  4 life.     

George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY. 

Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs.  Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table.  Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.

Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really?  That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?).  I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament.  He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be.  I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.

Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems.  So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.

I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me!  In hindsight, it wasn't all that great.  So you probably didn't miss much.  However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.

But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me.  I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it.  You are a professional wrestler, Scott.  It's time you started dressing like one. 

Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit

Brock Lesnar vs Hamburglar- The Brock Lesnar Swath Cutting Tour continues, despite having the game on Normal settings. I'll bet Brock has eaten hamburgers that have given him more trouble than the Hamburglar did.

FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship.  Because he is so Hardcore.

Congratulations to Brock Lesnar for winning the WCW Hardcore Championship and thank you for reading!  Tune in next time as Brock will try to take out....himself?

PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif

Wrestling and my new universe (newniverse?)

So after my last post blew up the Internet, shut down Twitter, and almost won me the Nobel Peace Prize, it seemed imperative that I follow up with a more in-depth description of what the eff I was talking about.  And by 'blew up the internet', I mean 8 page views.  My blog is the literary equivalent of a selfie. 

Not that there's anything wrong with selfies

If you recall, sometime last year I came up with this ridiculously awesome idea to run my very own fake wrestling league/universe.  The idea was practically flawless and even though it's been done before, there was just no way that my iteration wasn't going to take the world by storm.  Aside from the fact that, you know, I would be heavily, HEAVILY involved in it.

Obviously it did not happen and I quickly realized that my initial idea wasn't realistic, especially given some of the (admittedly very cool) extra-curricular stuff that was going on at that time.  Still, I knew that I had to give the people what they want.

It was around March Madness time where I stumbled on the brilliant idea that I am totally shilling to you right now- wrestling tournaments.  It's wrestling AND it's tournaments.  How can it fail?  Plus, as ludicrous as creating and managing a video-game driven fake universe revolving around not-real people engaging in a sport with pre-determined outcomes may be, it's at least a little respectable because hey, tournaments. 

With the sheer volume some would say plethora of championships in the game, I will not be at a loss for new and fresh material.  Indeed, I'm just going to have a bunch of tournaments until they're all gone.  It will be easier to manage a series of tournaments for the purposes of blogging because they're basically short term self-contained entities as opposed to the never-ending "season" that wrestling essentially is.  Think of it like eating a regular gobstopper instead of an everlasting gobstopper.

Don't worry, wrestling fans- I'll still try to include storylines and (hopefully) cutscenes.  I also plan to tie my universe together with continuity, random facts about my (real and pretend) subjects, and I'll probably even solve the mystery of life while I'm at it.

I'm past rambling but if you would suffer me a couple of final thoughts:

1) The past couple of WWE video games have had "Retro" versions of some wrestlers, such as Brock Lesnar before and after he tattooed a giant phallus on his chest.  I will not be choosing between the two for competitive purposes, and in fact will encourage doppelgangers to throw down.  If Thuganomics John Cena faces Fruity Pebbles John Cena for the WWE Championship (Miz edition) then the good guys have won.

2) The previous champion receives an automatic bid to the next tournament.

3) For reasons of good form, I will not be playing any of the matches.  I am also going to be a slave to the automated result.  It's not always going to be optimal, and sometimes you end up with crap like Darren Young defeating Andre the Giant, Abraham Lincoln, AND Stone Cold in the qualifying Royal Rumble to advance to the round of 16 in my first championship tournament (results of which are coming soon!).  But life is not usually by the script and, like they say, when life hands you lemons you make a chicken sh*t sandwich.

4) Damage retention is ON. That means if somehow Bret Hart gets decapitated in victory, he will advance to the next round with no head.  Just like God intended.

5) I'm going to barrel through with this, whether anyone reads it or not.  I will also make an effort to write about real, actual things, so if for whatever reason you frequent my blog in hopes of non-wrestling/non-pretend play tomfoolery, you will be sated at some point.  But try to keep an open mind about wrestling tomfoolery.

Watching my children play make-believe with their toys and talk about their own made-up 'worlds' makes me realize that there is great value in having active imaginations.  I've always loved to pretend.  It's actually one of the few things I'm really, really good at.  Reality can be tough.  We have to live there and work there and pay bills there and if you stay there too long, it can kill your imagination.  When imagination dies, so do dreams.  When dreams die, so does hope.

Basically if you don't read my virtual toy stories, you will lose hope and life will have no meaning.  The end. 

PIC- Selfie- http://stcommunities.straitstimes.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/bxslider_photo/gta1.jpg
Triple H- http://images.mstarz.com/data/images/full/20918/triple-h.jpeg

So I'm back...ish

If a blogger writes a blog that gets about 50 page views on a good day, and then that blogger stops writing for a period of time (and his content was honestly not all that great to begin with), does it make a sound?  And when that blogger decides one day that it's been long enough and it's time to put on his Prodigal and come back, will anyone be there to throw him a party?

Yes, I'm back.  I've missed you.  How are you?  It's been awhile.  Where's my freaking party?

Today for lunch we had the usual buffet of excuses and pseudo-reasons to account for my absence, so I'll spare you those.  But you should just know that it's been particularly difficult to get back in the saddle.  I have been really wrestling with and coming to grips with my own limited scope in terms of the value of my contributions in a Social Media world.  Oh, sorry, spoiler: lots of melodrama coming up.  The internet world has really made it extremely easy for everyone to put themselves out there with some sense that we are the most important people in the world (and the smartest, funniest, always rightest, etc.).  Meanwhile it also exposes us to millions and millions of people that are either:
A) Way, way ADJECTIVER than we are; or
B) Scummy dirtbags that we can't even feel good about being MORE ADJECTIVE than.

It's kind of like we're all the Wizard of Oz, except we get to look on as the curtain is pulled back.

Please, don't misunderstand me- I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to trick you into giving me praise (although please, feel free to give me unsolicited praise at any time).  I'm just an insecure writer in a period of time when insecure writers are appetizers for a-holes.  I feel like I can be funny- but there are many who are funnier.  I feel like I can be smart and insightful- but there are many who are smarter and insightfuler. The truth is I am who Dennis Green thought I was and I will probably always go back and forth between feeling like 'Hey, I'm awesome' and 'Hey, have you seen the nearest hole to crawl in?'.

...why did I click on this blog again?

But of course I'm not going to stop- at least not fully.  I have a creed, a core belief (which doubles as the primary reason why I stick with Social Work other than the awesome pay) that each person on this Earth has some sort of value inherent to their being alive.  Each persons' unique experiences and make-up mean that they are worth something and unique in spite of their sameness.  The lives we lead and the stories we help create make up the congregate of the human experience and make us all an important cog in our own way.

And so that's why I'm going to start writing again about the Wrestling Universe of my creation.

Yes, I just sucked you into reading about faux wrestling exploits by waxing poetic about my existential struggle.  Two words for ya:

Bad idea?

This is basically why I started blogging in the first place (not this, specifically, but...well, you get the idea), this idea, this notion that I don't have anything of value to say other than everything I say because I am the one saying it and I am the only me that there is.  To borrow from noted sage Bret "The Hitman" Hart (and thanks to the #WWE Network, I'm on as much of a wrestling kick as I have ever been on a kick of anything), I'm the Me there was, the Me there is, and the Me there ever will be.

As always, thanks for reading!  Tune in next week as I talk more about stuff nobody cares about!

PICS: DX- http://sp7.fotolog.com/photo/23/8/93/wwe_dx12/1161204950_f.jpg 
Kid- http://poachedmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Confused-Kid-722x500.jpg
Surprise!- http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Undertaker-lose-Lesnar-Wrestlemania-fan-reaction-1.png