So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory. If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory. Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was. The same will probably go for wrestlers. And I hope that we can all be okay with that.
With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!
Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles. And yes, they were all awesome.
1st Round:
David Otunga vs Hollywood
Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match. This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.
1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title. Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.
Needless to say, I was shocked. Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless. After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.
1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title. Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.
Needless to say, I was shocked. Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless. After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.
Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren
Young- An old-fashioned squash match. The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?
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| Answer: I don't know |
This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking. You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner. In the other corner, you have an elf:
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| What? |
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| Uh nope |
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| Pictured: An elf. |
For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.
Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi.
After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win. So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude
Adjustment for the win. The end.
Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi.
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| A guy who can't even beat meat. |
Big Show (Retro) vs Kane - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other. That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious. Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere. Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts.
Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar. This was a dramatic and competitive affair. Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata. Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.
Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy. Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.
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| Pictured: 1970s sex symbol |
Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!). And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.
2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan. NWO 4 life, friends. 4 life.
2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan. NWO 4 life, friends. 4 life.
George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY.
Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs. Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table. Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.
Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really? That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?). I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament. He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be. I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.
Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems. So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.
I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me! In hindsight, it wasn't all that great. So you probably didn't miss much. However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.
But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me. I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it. You are a professional wrestler, Scott. It's time you started dressing like one.
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| Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit |
FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship. Because he is so Hardcore.
PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif
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