Snow Flurries Playoffs 2011- We are (almost) the champions!

Our Fantasy Football playoffs are over.  The results are in- and I cameTHISclose to being the champion of the Center League.  THISclose.  In the end, I fell short in the second round against Drew Brees Team Dennis and bowed to a far inferior 7-6 squad Team Dennis.  I'd love to make excuses- really, I would- but in the end, he just had a better day than I did.  Congrats to Dennis, and to the SHEagles, the eventual champion.
And now I get on my soap box.  After I find it.

So this definitely defines why Fantasy Football is so frustrating for me (and millions of people like me, I'd imagine).  I was 11-2, unequivocally the best team in the league, top-3 QB, 4 legit starting RBs, solid WR corps/Defense, the top 2 TEs- and I got bounced by a team that barely made the playoffs simply because I had a bad week at the wrong time against a guy who had a great week at the right time. 

And it's a matchup that almost didn't even happen!  In the first round of the playoffs, Team Dennis beat War Machine 101-100.  1. Single. Point.  Basically that's all that separated me from the glory of playing for the championship, because I would have beat War Machine by almost 40 in the second round.  That's honestly what should have happened- War Machine gets a nice little first round upset, and then gets taken out in the second round by the heavyweight.  That would have been justice, and proof that God does exist.

Instead I spent that Sunday's early games watching in horror as Reggie Bush (where the hell did you come from, Reg?) and Drew Brees combined for almost 75 points by themselves while Team Dennis built a 100 point lead on me heading into the back half of the schedule.  I made a gallant effort to come back but still ended up losing by almost 50 points.  

I do take some solace that even had I made the championship game, I still would have lost (although if I would have played the Giants D...GAH, FUGHETABOUDIT), and I don't want to take anything away from Dennis' win.  I have to acknowledge that for most of the regular season, I managed to avoid the injuries that other people suffered that probably enabled be to win some games that I might not have won if some of my guys had been hurt (fortunately those injuries decided to happen at playoff time).  So 11-2 was probably a bit of a mirage.  My team probably wasn't that good.   

Still, it was a really solid team that unfortunately couldn't withstand the loss of two top RBs so late in the season.  I think that's probably why I won 11 games but lost the championship- I had pretty much the same level of injuries as everyone else did this year, just at the most inopportune time.  In the early going, you can turn an injury into a gold mine with a sweet waiver wire pick-up.  That's how I got Victor Cruz.  But later on in the season, all the guys who are going to score significant points have been gobbled up and you're left with what you have.  For most of the year, that was enough to win.  But not in the playoffs.  Not in the playoffs.

In the end, I was able to rally the troops and walk away with a 125-111 win over arch rival Fergy.  Third place.  Bronze medal.  It feels....okay.  I placed, I guess.  I'm on the victory stand.  But it could have been better.  It should have been better.

However, I did win the championship in my concubine league, which means that yes, I do expect you all to refer to me as the King of the Universe for the next calendar year.  And yes, you do have to do the hand motions that go along with the song.  Because I am, after all, a Fantasy Football champion.

Fantasy Football- the end of an era

In the next couple weeks, I'll be bringing you the trimmings and trappings you normally associate with this blog- my Fantasy Football playoff recap, draft review, and transaction assessment.  It might not be epic, but I guarantee it'll be.  So for the next couple weeks, stay constantly vigilant, with your eyes glued to your computer screen.  Also, I meant that figuratively and not literally.  Just so everyone is on the same page. 

And after that, I think I might be done writing about Fantasy Football for awhile (pause for sad groans).  I don't think I'm done playing it yet- I suspect I have this weird numbers fetish that, combined with my passive aggressive desire for competition leaves a massively gaping hole in my heart that only Fantasy Football can fill.  I just won't be clogging up my blog with it.

I don't know- this season, I've just felt....well, really empty while writing about my exploits.  Maybe it was stuff going on in my personal life that kept me from getting truly attached to my team.  It might be that I actually had success, which removed much of the pain and angst that fueled my prior ramblings.  It could be that my heart is two sizes too small. 

Whatever the reason, I've found that writing about my Fantasy Football team lately has been very stale.  I feel like I'm trying to draw from the well, but all I'm getting is stale jokes and recycled cliche's.  It's just not fun for me.  In the past, it was fun.  It was fun to write a fake eulogy for Ryan Grant.  It was fun to write a mid-season review after an 0-4 start.  It was fun to write about how I stole Dwayne Bowe from Josh in the 5th round.  This year, the fun just hasn't been there.

Like most things that I say, I reserve the right to take this back once next football season hits.  It's very possible that I'll get the desire again when we have our drafts and I want the whole world to know that I picked Player X in the Nth round, and I'm stoked out of my mind because I think he's an absolute steal.  It's very probable that when my (insert early round here) player suffers a serious injury in week (insert low number here) that the sparks in my soul will begin to fly and like the Phoenix my Fantasy Football pieces will rise from the ashes of my apathy.  I don't want to rule anything out at this point.

Well, other than a commitment to writing about Fantasy Football next season. 

Let there be....grass?????

Christmas is tomorrow (already?????) and it looks like it will be a white one...barely.  Seriously, we have less than an inch of snow on the ground and we only have that because of snow fall a couple days ago.  December is a month when the Christmas spirit is supposed to be augmented by the white falling water crystals like how you get the sneak-attack bonus while using an enchanted weapon (sorry...might have been up too late last night playing Skyrim).  Instead, we had to deal with patches of ice and fields of frozen mud and dead grass all month.  How freaking depressing!

At least we have some snow, though.  And I'm hoping that this little tiny snow we have will stay through at least tomorrow.  Unfortunately, tomorrow is supposed to get past the magic number (32) in temperature, and the next day warmer still.  Goodbye snow- I sure will miss you! 

Sadly it seems that my moving to Marquette has effectively killed the Epic Snowstorm industry that I have heard so much about.  I wouldn't be surprised if the six winters I've been up here are the six worst years in terms of accumulated snow fall.  I also wouldn't be surprised if you told me the sun revolves around me.

So in order to keep myself from gluing cotton balls all over the front yard in order to stave off the depression, I've been pondering global warming.  Probably doesn't seem like something you'd want to think about to try and keep from being depressed about the weather, but that's the way my mind works.  I think about global warming, and the effects that it might have on, say, weak snow storms where I'm at and huge snow storms in places that aren't supposed to get huge snow storms.  And now I'm depressed again.  AARRGGHH (runs off to watch Frosty Returns). 

As far as global warming goes, I personally know just enough to have an extremely uninformed opinion, so if you came here looking for the usual wisdom, counsel, and guidance that I usually offer...well then stick around, because that's exactly what you're going to get.  Merry ChristMAS!!!

Admittedly, I should know more about the subject.  But even though I'm (for all intents and purposes, willfully) ignorant,  I do try to do my part to be an ecologically responsible citizen.  I walk to work sometimes (hopefully more frequently when the weather warms up).  I shut lights off in rooms that I'm not in.  I recycle.  I eat cardboard (not true).  Sometimes I even hold my breath- anything to reduce my personal carbon foot print. 

But sometimesI wonder if this climate change is just a natural thing that we're caught in the middle of and global warming is our attempt to understand and make sense of it.  Sure, that's a tremendous simplification.  Still, think about various times in our history when things were drastically different than they are now.  The ice age, for example.  Obviously the Earth was not always covered in ice- it gradually had to change to get that way- except that it's not still covered in ice, so clearly there was another ginormous gradual change.  And yet, here we are today, after all that massive change and the countless tragedies in terms of the loss of plant and animal life.  Ta-da!

Our world today did not just happen like some magical pop-up book.  The world as we know it has been violently shaken and crafted by the impartially cruel forces of nature.  And it will continue to happen, regardless of what we do or don't do.  Maybe global warming, then, is less a 'thing' and more of a label to help us feel like we are at least a little bit in control of things that we are really not in control of at all. 

That doesn't mean that I am advocating for a hummer in every heated garage or loosened smog restrictions.  It bothers me that people are cutting down forests to make golf courses and luxury hotels.  I'm against the blatant misuse of resources.  I have kids, after all, and I would really like them to be able to grow up in a world that more resembles Max and Ruby than it does Mad Max (actually...scratch that, because that would mean that four-foot tall talking female rabbits would be the dominant species). 

For now all I wish is that we could have a white Christmas.  Just like the ones I used to know.

9 vs 0 yardage analysis for Fantasy Football update 2

Again with the promises and dropping of the ball!!  So a couple months back I wrote you how I was working midnight shift, and how when things came back to normal that I'd hopefully (note that I did not use an absolute quantifier.  Only the Sith deal in absolutes, after all) get a chance to resume my ground breaking research.

Unfortunately that hasn't happened.  And seeing that I am now working much more than I was even then, I'm honestly not sure when I'll get around to it.  I know one person for sure was looking forward to reading my findings, and I hypothesize that there may have been as many as three.  And your faith in my world-shaking project will not be in vain.  It will just have to wait.  For an indefinite period of time.

So, Christmas...

Snow Flurries 2011- The March of the Penguins continues

Do you know why I'm writing about my Fantasy Football team this week?  Do you?  Huh, huh?  Do ya do ya do ya????  Also, imagine I'm pretending to poke you while being about a half inch from you.  Sorry about the over exuberance- I just can't help it.  I'm on a bye week this week!  Do you even know what that  means?  Why, simply this- I had one of the top two records (well, actually the best record...just saying) , so while the playoffs are starting for the rest of my league, me and my boys are going to be sitting beside a pool somewhere in Marquette and...okay, well it's like 1°F with a wind chill of -9°F right now, so we're probably not at an outdoor pool...come to think of it we're probably in like a Best Western or something.  Man, this sucks.  Wish we were playing.

Anyhow, sorry if that came across a little bit insufferably jerky- it's just that you literally no idea how shocked and surprised I am that my team has not only done well this year- but it has done VERY well.  Sure, I could lose next week and go home with the consolation prize of 'Paper Champion'.  But for a guy who had never had a winning season before, to have the best team in the league this late in the season...well, it's a pretty big deal.  And so over the next couple weeks, I will probably continue to write insufferable jerk things about my Fantasy team (even more so if I actually, you know, win at all in the playoffs). 

But I know you really love this because you've seen me bare my heart and soul on these pages, and you know the pain and suffering I've endured the last two years and you're probably just really happy for me.  Therefore I'll continue to indulge you with what is essentially "Chicken Soup for the Fantasy Football player's soul".


 Week 8- This week, I realized that the term 'Fantasy Football' is actually quite a misnomer.  See, if this was my 'fantasy', then my best players would never have bye weeks at the same time, they would never get hurt, and they would always have 'green' matchups.  So in reality, "Fantasy" Football usually ends up being "AARRGGH  FRICKING STUPID #*%*" Football and I hate it.  Week 8 found me facing the expansion L'Anse SHEagles, with (so I thought) all three of my top RBs out (two with bye weeks) and many of my other players caught in 'red' matchups (Note: I'm not actually going to explain the difference between 'green' and 'red'.  Feel free to make up your own definitions).  My team was brave and almost pulled out the win, but ended up on the short end of a 113-102 score.
What went right-Victor Cruz (15) and Mario Manningham (12) looked good in my WR corps.  Nick Novak had 15 in the K slot.  And I only lost by 11 points.  So that's a good thing- a positive I can build off of, right?  RIGHT????

This doesn't have anything to do with this article- but anytime you can post a picture of a football player peeing on the sidelines...well, you do it.  You just do.

What went wrong- Earlier, I alluded to the belief that my top three RBs were unavailable to play for me.  Of course, Beanie Wells wasn't really out- he just let me think he was all week.  He must have had, like, his own personal healing crusade, going from "season ending injury" to "maybe see some action versus the Angry Ravens" to "14 points".  Thanks Beanie.  Thanks for the heads up.  JERK.  Tom Brady struggled so badly in Pittsburgh (even though he had 19 points) that I seriously went out and started checking out other QBs.  What's that- Curtis Painter is still availble?  Interesting (strokes chin)....  It didn't help that all the NFL talking heads kept going on and on about how the league had figured out how to stop the Patriots.  
Bonehead move- Analyzing each game like it's a middle school relationship.  Seriously, I am running out of ways to discuss my inability to grasp reality when it comes to Fantasy Football.  Aside from the whole 'it's not really real' aspect, I cannot understand my lack of understanding that, despite having poor matchups and some injuries, I almost won this game.  This was not a bad loss- and yet, mentally, the dip to a 6-2 record somehow forced me to tighten the belt-strap of my positive outlook and plan for another playoff-less year.  After an 11 point loss.  Dear God, what's wrong with me????

Week 9- Oh, great.  A matchup with War Machine, my other nemesis- just when things are falling apart.  Perfect!  That's just great.  This is the guy that knocked me out of the playoffs a couple years ago.  This is the guy that I always seem to make some really dumb move when I'm playing against him that costs me the game.  And while I didn't get the most out of my matchups this week, I was able to pull off a 102-99 thriller.   
What went right- I'm going to have to start calling Matt Forte "The Closer", since for whatever reason he always seems to be one of my last players playing and has never failed to score enough points to secure the win.  This week he had 11, which paired with DeSean Jackson's 0, enabled me to eek out the improbable victory.  Of course, it wouldn't have been so improbable if I hadn't left Gronkowski's 17 and Nelsons 17 on the bench.  Brady ended my brief flirtation with Painter by scoring 20, and Michael Bush had 18 in relief of the injured RunDMC.
What went wrong- Once again I'm bitten by the "Smart move turned stupid by WTFness".  DeMarch Murry, a third round pick who had been playing semi-sporadically, racks up 18 points against the #6 defense.  Obviously I sat him.  Beanie Wells, meanwhile, faced off against the next-to-last ranked defense- and accumulated a whole 3 points.  Obviously I played him. 
Bonehead move- I think it's because I'm starting to realize that this whole thing is a crapshoot and there really are no great or bonehead moves except in hindsight, but I probably played my roster the right way this week.  Even though I left lots of points on the bench, my theories behind them were usually sound, and things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would.  Wait a minute, was that cool-headed logic I just applied?  I think I need to lie down.

Week 10- Whew!  That was close.  No time to enjoy a hard earned win though- not with Bullies coming into town for a rematch.  A win coupled with a loss by War Machine or Disco will guarantee me a playoff spot.  And I did my part (almost doubling him up, 158-80, as my team remembers that it kicks serious ass), therefore reducing the magic number to clinching not just a playoff spot- but the division- to 1 game. 
What went right- I had 7 of 9 guys go for double digits.  Brady had 32 and put Curtis Painter so far back on the rear view mirror he looks like Kurt Cobain.  Bush had 30 on the Thursday night game, which gave me a little bit of relief after a couple stress-filled Sabbaths.  Murray had 23 and Nelson had 18. 
What went wrong- Picking nits, but Gronkowski had 24 points on my bench.  When you win by 78 it's difficult sometimes to pick out the bad.  Which you have to do, or these slackers will turn soft.
Bonehead move- At this point, things are going the best they ever have in my Fantasy Football career.  My roster, as I've said before, often sets itself.  I have tremendous depth at RB and TE, with a great QB, a solid D, and enough points from WR and K to fill in the blanks.  No bonehead move this week.  Other than Gronkowski. 

Week 11- A rematch with Disco, who has turned things around (4-1 in his last 5) and is now in the thick of the playoff hunt.  A win here and I pretty much clinch the division.  And (as I like to think I am wont to do in such situations) I put the lumber to Disco, 137-65 (my 2nd straight week of high scoringness) and clinch the division.  Hello, playoffs- it's been awhile!
What went right- Hmmm....should I start with Nelson's 25?  Or how about Gronkowskis 21?  Maybe Brady should get some props for his 20.  But I'll give the props to Cruz, who had 19 and is pretty much the best waiver wire pick-up I've ever had.  A special shout-out to Kevin Smith for the huge, HUGE game he had for the Lions.  No, he wasn't on my roster- and Disco didn't leave him on the bench.  No, Smith was racking up 39 points for the Lions for the Knights while Mercury Morris (starting for team Disco) was more importantly not racking up those points. 
What went wrong- Nothing for me (other than Mike Williams' 14 point resurrection from the dead) - but poor Disco.  Chris Johnson continued his campaign to forever be the highest paid RB by making sure other teams never ever give contract extensions to their RBs again.  This time, it was a 2 point stinker.  Of course, there's not too much sympathy from a former 4-9 squad given to the 2-time defending champs.  I just needed to write something about Chris Johnson and how much he sucks this year. 
Bonehead move- None.  Zip.  Zero.  I was flawless this week.  Well, other than I could have played Mike Williams and got some more points.  But then I would have had to play Mike Williams.  And that would have been a bonehead move.

Week 12- So this must be what retirement is like- you work, work, work for your whole lifetime (or in this case, 11 weeks) and when you're done, you just kind of...sit there, I guess?  Because having clinched the division and a first round bye with 2 weeks to go...I'm not sure what I should do.  I can't rest my starters, because they aren't really resting- so I guess I'll just keep kicking ass and taking names.  This week I rematch against Team Knights, and since the Lions (which are the lifeblood of the Knights) play on Turkey day, I knew that by Friday I would know whether or not I'd most likely win or not.  And it turns out that I did win, rather handily, by a score of 153-90.  For the third straight week (and fifth time overall) I have the highest score in the league.  At this point I keep pinching myself to makOUCH!!  Yup.  Not dreaming.
What went right- Tom (35 points) you know I wouldn't have traded you for real, right?  Please tell me you know my sudden infatuation with Curtis Painter was mostly because I saw him from behind.  You've always been the QB for me, Tom.  Jimmy Graham (20), Cruz (28), and the Ravens D (25) all crack the 20 mark.  And sadly (for the Lions fan who lives somewhere in the closet of my brain) the Lions struggle, which means that Team Knights struggled.
What went wrong- But it's a good thing the Lions struggled- because I would have been simply livid with myself had my sitting of Beanie Wells (and his 28 points) came back to bite me.  I know, I know- he was playing against the Rams- how could I sit him?  To which I would have replied, 'How could I not sit him?'.  Last time they played the Rams, he had 2 whole points.  I remember that game, because I had been so excited to play him against the Rams- 2 points.  2!  Additionally, they said he was pretty banged up.  And John Skelton was his QB.  So that's why I sat him.  And his 28 points.  But it wasn't just wells.  Even Donald Brown had 15 points.  And Mike Williams had 12.  It's like my bench guys are starting to riot.  There's too many points- I can't keep them under control, warden!!!
Bonehead move- Having my bench guys use up their cosmically allotted groups of points.  I didn't need any extra points, fellas!  I won by 63 this week.  Why didn't you use those earlier this year, Mike?  Beanie, where were some of those 28 points the last time you played the Rams?  YOU'RE KILLING ME GUYS!!!  KILLING ME!!!

Week 13- A late season divisional rematch against Dennis with...well, nothing on the line?  The stakes in this pre-playoff tune-up are....surprisingly low?  My goodness.  What a crazy year this has been.  But I've been rolling, and life's been good.  I clinched a playoff spot a few weeks ago, clinched the division last week, and Week 12 saw me clinch the top overall seed.  What to play for, really?  I guess 11-2 looks better than 10-3- and who wouldn't want to enter the playoffs on a high note, right?  So obviously I went out and won 106-91 to cap what has been (and will most likely be) the most glorious year of my Fantasy Football career.
What went right- This win largely came down to luck as opposed to skill.  Stephen Jackson (for Dennis) was playing against the 49ers behind the immortal A.J. Feeley.  Given those two facts, his 2 points was probably more like 13-14.  Brady (23) and Gronkowski (24) combined for almost 50 points, and the Ravens D had 27.
What went wrong- Forget about the fact that Bush and Murray each had only 3 points while Wells (12) and Brown (11) languished on my bench. The Closer got hurt early in the Chiefs game.  It didn't hurt me this week, and it might not even hurt me in the playoffs (since I'm freaking LOAD-ed).  Still, if there's ever a time when you want your #1 RB to get a season ending injury, it's definitely not in a meaningless tune-up game right before the playoffs.  Seriously Matt- I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I played you- I just...well, I just felt the peer pressure, and those guys are all still fighting for their playoff lives (bless their hearts) and I didn't want to make it seem like I was being unfair, and I....okay, I'll stop.  Just please, get better soon!
Bonehead move- Leaving my RB situation potentially in the hands of a rookie, a Colt, and Beanie Wells.  Seriously.  I think that my WRs are going to have to carry me now in the playoffs, and while they've shown that they theoretically can do that...I don't even want to go there.  I need to go lie down again.

So I'll be honest- this season review was hard to write.  When things are going poorly, it's so much easier for words to flow like water from the broken places of my soul onto the screen.  But man, when things are going good?  It's just a pain in the butt to try and think of ways to celebrate my awesomeness.  I only came up with, like, five. 

As far as the playoffs, I think I have a real good shot at taking it all.  But I also know that anything can happen.  For instance, if the playoffs had started this week (and I didn't have my, you know, FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF BYE!!!!!)
then most of the teams in our league would have bounced me from the playoffs.  So we'll see what happens.  The only thing I know for sure is that a huge episode of pain and misery is only one misplay or one injury away.  Ah yes, there's that good old defeatist cynicism I've been missing!

PIC-Chicken soup- http://www.blogcdn.com/www.kitchendaily.com/media/2010/05/chicken-in-pot-240.jpg
Novak- http://larrybrownsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/nick-novak-peeing-530x363.jpg

5 secretly traumatic Christmas songs

Aside from religious wars, annoying relatives (uh...that I've heard about.  Not any of my relatives.  Moving on) and Linnea calender inserts as gifts, Christmas is a peace-filled, loving, and hopeful season that brings out the Thomas Kinkade painting in all of us.

Just let me know when you've stopped throwing up

But the holidays are not all baby deer and rainbow brooks- Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year.  Financial concerns, family stresses, and trying to keep up with the Jones' can make any jolly old elf start dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas.

But even when things are at their absolute worst, you can always listen to Christmas songs.  Beacons of light and hope, they are full of heartwarming innocence and wonder.  Well, except for the following five songs, which are harboring secret messages of tragedy and trauma and seem to be working to push cognitively unstable people off the edge of their mental cliffs, possibly to serve as minions for Santa in his power play for world domination.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

5) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

To a kid, about the only thing grosser than the idea of kissing is the idea of your parents kissing.  Most kids freak out at the thought of their parents being intimate.  Understandable, since that is the yuckiest thing ever.  So this song already provides a little bit of trauma right there.  This poor little kid, sneaking downstairs hoping to catch a glimpse of the mysterious enigma of Santa Claus, only OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING- KISSING???? BLECH....and then, he sees it.

Wait a minute- mommy's not kissing Daddy.  Mommy's kissing Santa Claus.

Kids aren't generally relationship savants, but even they know that mommies are only supposed to kiss daddies.  Sure, maybe the kid would think 'Hey it might be kind of cool to have a new dad who has access to magic flying reindeer and literally every toy I've ever wanted'.  More than likely, the child would retreat into an internal safe place where you don't have to worry about your mom leaving the family for a land of elves and candy canes to live with an ageless old geezer while you and your dad live out the rest of your days eating baked beans by the trash can fire.

4) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

The only reason the lyrics to this song don't make us piss our pants every time we hear it (other than Bruce Springsteen's oddly reassuring fake laugh) is that Santa Claus (SPOILER) isn't actually real.  Which is a good thing, because the Santa Claus of this song is a mixture of a vengeful deity, big government, and Edward Cullen.

- You better watch out
You better not cry
Generally when you tell someone they had 'better watch out', it's not because you're genuinely concerned for their well-being.  It's because you want them to know that you are a force to be reckoned with and quite possibly a loose cannon as well.  Santa starts off his triumphant procession into town by letting everyone know that he is fully capable of kicking ass and taking names.

-He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice

So I'm fine with a system of checks and balances.  I understand that Santa wants to have standards, and I think he should.  After all, you don't want to be spending all your time and magic making gifts for kids that really don't deserve them.  It's what makes Christmas work.  You have to be good all year so you get that big pay out at the end.  Otherwise, society falls apart.  It's not that part that bothers me (although considering Santa's bullying tendencies, it is a little disconcerting).  No, the problem is this...

-He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good

This is where things get pretty creepy.  We've already established that Santa is a bully.  Now we find out that he's pretty much an omniscient voyeur who is constantly stalking you and keeping track of your actions- and the tone of this song would suggest that he is just waiting for that one moment, that one time when you slip up and let your defenses down.  BANG. 

You just got taken out by the naughty list.  Merry Christmas.

3) Santa Baby

My friend Summer pointed out that this song paints a gold-digging picture of women and implies that a woman finds her worth in being good looking and having a rich man give them lots of fancy stuff (as opposed to earning it herself).  Now she's really smart and a woman (um....I don't mean that in a scientific discovery sort of way- like, World's first actually smart woman found frozen in ice cave) so I can't comment too much on her thoughts (But she's right).

No, I want to focus on the fact that the woman singing the song seems to be suffering from a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.    It's not fatal- it'll probably just lead to the downfall of Christmas.

In case you didn't read the hyperlink, here's a few of the symptoms of NPD.  Let me know if any of these sound familiar:
•Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
•Exaggerate achievements and talents
•Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
•Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
•Pursue mainly selfish goals

Obviously this woman is blatantly trying to rip off the 'Be good/get free stuff' holiday system by being marginally good and asking for way more stuff than any one person should be.  Amongst the things she asks for are: a sable (not sure what a sable is.  It could be this.  Or this), a light blue '54 convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, blank checks (already signed, presumably from Santa's magical money bank), and something else...what is it...oh yeah.  A ring.  Not on the phone either.  A ring.

No, no, no- not The Ring- just a ring. 

She's not the kind of person that can accept that, maybe this year you only get the '54 convertible and the blank checks but you'll have to wait until next year for the other stuff.  No, she's like SANTA BRING ME ALL MY STUFF RIGHT NOW!!!! 

But when is right now?  Is it Christmas eve?  If so, isn't it a little unreasonable to present Santa with the above Christmas list on the night before Christmas???  Sure, Santa has some magic- but little elves make most of the stuff.  You think you can just place an order for an antique car, a yacht, and a duplex like elves are some fantasy short order cooks?  And if it's not Christmas eve, then who does she think she is, ordering Santa to make an extra trip?

Really, she should be thankful to get anything.  Despite her claims to have been an 'awful good girl', she offers very little evidence to support her claim.  Apparently by missing out on tons of fun and not kissing a bunch of dudes, she thinks that she's somehow the Mother Theresa of gift requesters.  Well you know what lady?  I didn't have much fun this year- it's called "being poor".  And I didn't go around kissing a bunch of other people, either.  It's called "I love my wife".  But you don't see me asking for a bunch of crap for Christmas- the only thing from your list that remotely appeals to me is the blank checks from Santa.  And I might not be a good guy, just so you know.

Nonetheless, I think Santa will do the right thing.  I trust Santa's decision making- this is the same guy that initially denied Ralphie's request for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle because of concerns about shooting his eye out.  But after reading this list, Santa might bypass 'well she can't have this/this/that' and just go straight to 'I quit'.  If you spend any time around older people, you know some of the disdain they have for the entitlement of our generation.  Well imagine being as old as Santa Claus and spending your entire life revolving around giving people nice things for free and never really receiving the proper thanks.  Now imagine that some woman unloads a Christmas list worth more than some small countries and demands immediate service.  Sounds like retirement to me.

2) Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Thanks to the wonder of claymation, we all know the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.  The upstart mutant freak of the North Pole saved the day, married the girl, and lived happily ever after. 

Except he didn't.

Because the song leaves us right before Rudolph leaves on his big Christmas saving adventure.  We literally don't know what happened the next day, or any of the days after.  Sure, the other reindeer say 'you'll go down in history'- but that's just because Rudolph is about to bail them out big time.  They'd say anything to get him to help them out.

So what do you think happens when the reindeer return to the North Pole?  They're returning to the same culture where Rudolph was repeatedly ostracized for his glowing non-conformity.  The ones that hated him before will have even more reason to hate him now that they see everyone fawning over him for saving Christmas.  And that hatred will burn even brighter- you could even say it'll glow.  Life is not some cheesy movie or simple song- the apparent instantaneous transformation from disableists to Rudo!ph 4ever!sts probably has more to do with the fact that he was saving their asses than it does any change of heart.  Now that they're back in the normal routine, they'll realize that they still hate Rudolph.

It's no coincidence that Rudolph is pretty much never heard from again (despite the songs' claims that he is 'the most famous reindeer of all').  Rudolph is the classic shooting star- he came out of nowhere, saved Christmas, and then disappeared from the scene forever.  And do you know why we probably never heard about Rudolph again?  Because the other reindeer finally let him play some reindeer games.  Specifically the 'Gut Rudolph And Dump The Body' one. 

1) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

I know, I said songs that were 'secretly' tragic.  So how does this one qualify- the tragedy is in the fracking title!

To which I say 'Yes, yes it is'.  Obviously it would be horrible to have a relative die on Christmas eve in any fashion.  The fact that the family dresses in black, returns gifts, and eats fig pudding speaks about the terrible, inconsolable Christmas that they had this year.  And even as the years go on, as the pain slowly fades away there will still be a twinge of regret about the events of that fated Christmas eve.

Regret, mixed with vile hatred and an insatiable thirst for revenge.  Because the tragedy is not what happens to grandma, but what is spawned from the aftermath of her death.

Let's start with the premise that there is some tension between the Santa Claus faithful and the non-believing element.  Evidently in this Santa Claus-exists universe, there is a crisis of faith.  How there can be such a crisis of faith in a world where Santa is real, I don't know- but they are having one.  It must be at least a decently sized group, since the implication is that it took the death of grandma at Santa's hands for grandpa to believe.

So Santa Claus, needing to reestablish his legitimacy, accidentally runs over some old woman while out on his rounds.  Now, the whole thing is probably just a misunderstanding gone wrong.  Some drunk elderly woman (who had forgot her medication) walking home on a snowy night gets run over by reindeer-drawn sleigh.  It happens.  Most likely what happened is that Santa is simply guilty of negligent homicide.  He should have left a note with his contact info and insurance information.  Or at the very least, hide the body.  End of issue.

Instead, Santa not only leaves the body with no expression of recourse or remorse- but he plants Claus marks on her back.   I'm not sure what a Claus mark is, but it's enough of a mark to where people can see it and say 'Oh my God- this was the work of Santa Claus!'.  Yup- this story just took a turn into serial killer land.

But Santa is not a serial killer- he's a father figure who has fallen on hard times and is trying to protect his family.  The whole Christmas operation runs on the Christmas spirit that, for whatever reason, seems to be dwindling.  Faced with making tough choices like laying off elves or possibly cutting back on presents, Santa has to do something drastic to reignite the passion in everyones hearts.  Unfortunately, he's a little out of touch with the mainstream and doesn't realize that it's not really acceptable to kill people and leave their bodies lying around as a form of communication.

Grandma's family takes this action personally and funnels their passion into an anti-Santa bunker mentality.  This family has decided that this one simple, probable accident is the last straw and they want to revoke Santa's license.  Whatever it was that happened on that fateful night, Santa Claus can look forward to an eternity of 'God hates Santa' posters and Christmas eve picketers on rooftops all over the Bible Belt. 

Imagine a universe where Santa Claus is solely responsible for creating Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.  Because that's what will likely happen after grandma's funeral is over.  Praise the Lord- and pass the ammunition.

PIC- Kinkade http://www.kinkadecentral.com/kinkade-2010-bambis-first-year-1st-art-disney-thomas.jpg
Firearms- http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/27/article-2066860-0EF6BD5E00000578-307_636x392.jpg
Santa- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUH0nCGo0HvKgoFB8AN48wWJanjw0g6mn_zbqRC5d6diKso6m-JN5tAW-8_dZo0Tj16-5P8_7kNsCbJE1ekb93jFzQSA3WLKiu1kgo5GbKBVyD64GVcWGuV5P759HLMVhww_8jvpAZrEP9/s1600/url.jpeg
Elf sniper- http://www.victoryforce.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=VFM&Product_Code=770111&Category_Code=storybook
The Ring- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXtIvpih8Cs9O2WH02iL7F27mr_ABOfssoa5j3EKPBRqBMnzbuussN5mVeWfVoEKTwp645nwT3c3g1KkE_ZDelal8Rd4i9UgmZhbik9hZvpiPxdF2AplCtWAigeCWqHCkVRVT92Z9Mw_M/s1600/655b6f0c-baca-411b-a3a6-8f0be0207a4a_Samara_Morgan.jpg
Fred Phelps- http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060922084242/wikiality/images/1/1e/Fred_Phelps.png

Get a Bachelors Degree in Whatever It Was You Could Already Do

This Monday, I start my second job at the elementary school.  For those of you not strategically tapped into my brain waves, I'm going to be working in a functional learning skills classroom with children with some pretty severe developmental disabilities.  I know it's going to be hard work and there will be many challenging days.  Plus I'll still be working at my current job, so I'll be working literally every day of the week (around 60 hours per week in total.  Yup.  I'm badass).  Nonetheless, I'm very excited about this opportunity.  Which, given the hopelessness in my job searching since graduation, is no small feat.

It's been a year and a half since I graduated, and the only jobs I've been able to secure are the ones that I could have got with a mere high school education.  Don't get me wrong- I've enjoyed most of those jobs.  I've had fun, got some nice experience, and met some great people.  But it is slightly frustrating to have spent mucho mula to go to college to get jobs that I could have with my trusty high school diploma. 

Not that I would give back my college experience for anything.  I learned so much about the world I live in, I met a phenomenal group of women that taught me just as much as the professors did (a metric crap-ton), and I got some nice looking trophies to hang on my resume.  I got to be the first person in my immediate family to graduate from college and that is an achievement that I do not take lightly.  And my children got to see me walk across the stage to receive my degree, so they see that there is some value in hard work and perseverance. 

Of course, it's a good thing I learned to persevere so that when I graduated I could find a series of part time jobs to work hard at so we could barely stay afloat.  Post college life has been a struggle.  Before I got this job at the school, I hadn't been able to find anyone willing to hire me for more than 24 hours a week or $8 an hour (I don't count my time as an AFT because that was like a paid three-month tour of duty in hell).  Not from lack of effort- there's just not that much out here in the U.P.  I even applied at Target and Wal-Mart!  All I got was a 'Thanks but no thanks' e-mail from Target and no call back from Wal-Mart. I guess it was just as depressing for them to think about hiring a 32-year old college graduate as it was for me to think about working there.

I shouldn't take it so personally though.  The fact is that more kids are graduating from college today than in the past, and so the field of potential employees for limited jobs is now a much more competitive one (for better and for worse).  I didn't get a case manager position at the social service agency I work for now because a couple of other BSWs had applied for the same position.  Sure, I have reason to believe that I was the better candidate based on my resume (and my self-affirmation bias) but the reality is that there are more and more people who look like me (just on paper, thank God) in the search for jobs.

The structure of the employment market is different too.  Back in the day, you could afford to graduate from high school and get a nice factory job that would pay you good, middle-class money and you could work there for 30 years or whatever and then retire.  BOOM.  Sure, there were elite jobs that required college, but you could still make a good living without it.

Nowadays, the same hierarchical job structure is there, except that the factory-type job paying middle-class money with benefits has been outsourced to other countries.   So the middle and lower jobs saw a shift downwards in the income level, but now you have to spend around $50,000 just to have a chance to get rejected from these lesser jobs.  Unless you go to a rich school where you can make some meaningful ($$$) connections.

Even then, in this era of affirmative action and equal hiring policies you see the 'Old boys network' slowly eroding away.  Sure, there are places that you can get a job just based on who you know (and the reality is that social networks do play a role in getting many jobs), but it's getting harder and harder to simply cash in a favor for such work.  Trust me, I know.  I now have a negative favor balance and a restraining order from Shop-ko.

And even though I've had some nice experiences, apparently they haven't been the right ones.  In my quest to thrust myself into the upper-lower class, I have found a plethora of jobs that all seem to be looking for this one thing- experience.  Unfortunately you need experience to get experience and they won't hire you without experience.  It's like a circular logic merry-go-round, and I'm trying to jump on it...except the guy spinning it is the Incredible Hulk.

And he's drinking what looks to be Campells Grape-flavored soup.  Must have been a '70's thing...

Say what you will about Occupy Wall Street (I guess really I should just say Occupy X, since prit-near every city has their own Occupy movement now), but the basic premise of the movement is sound.  There is a disparity in our society.  It's easy to point the finger at poor people and call them lazy or entitled  or whatever, but there are people out there who are willing and able to work hard- there just aren't many opportunities to work hard and make a decent living.  Yes, my life as an American in poverty is much, much better than most of the poor people (and even some non-poor people) elsewhere in the world.  I'm thankful for what I have and for the opportunities that I've been afforded.

But the American Dream wasn't built on the idea that hard work and sacrifice will get you the exact same thing that just doing the bare minimum would.  No, that's just what the latest version of it has become.
PS- Since I'll be working around 60 hours per week between my two jobs, I can't promise that my blog will receive the tender love and care that you've come to expect from me.  I do hope to update it often enough for it to not fade into oblivion...but I don't know how much energy I'll have at the end of each day, either.  Regardless of what happens in the short term, I at http://www.youshouldknowjasonparks.blogspot.com/ am not leaving and will continue to sporadically give you the same level of post quality as I did back when I was a underemployed stay-at-home dad/bum.  Which I suppose could be taken as a sign to abandon ship, I don't know.

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8a2R8quOv29yPI1rKBRuFk8hWLPhjcmv0BOuQwUmVUBVmc-QOC8lBKg8KKTak-nJQ-1xCKQnJvrGBzlAeoq2NZL8MEKUeh92kj1Ka1crRZbV6QA79x53P_OKh4CePgkTfcoC5gxEtFNsm/s1600/bixby_hulk5.jpg

College football thoughts from this past weekend

Despite paying little or no attention to college football in my blog this year, in the spirit of the recently-concluded "rivalry weekend" (or I guess I could say week now, as there were games on Thursday and Friday), I'm going to force you to choose whether or not to be subjected to my musings.  (But the answer is yes).

-First of all, hats off to Michigan for beating the Buckeyes for the first time in seven years.  Granted it was a very close win at home against a far inferior opponent, but still- a win is a win.  A lot has changed at Michigan since the last time they beat the team from the south.  Michigan has been doing the Hoke-y Pokey this season, which seems to have turned themselves around (which is really what it's all about).  Jim Tressel (the anti-John Cooper) is busy rocking his sweater-vest as a consultant for worst NFL team in the world (for once, not the Detroit Lions).   Terrelle Pryor, highly esteemed four year OSU starting QB, graduated and....wait, you mean Pryor didn't graduate?  He was forced to leave school early because of a scandal?  Oh.  Never mind*.

- Urban Meyer, former Florida Gators coach and current ESPN talky guy, created quite a stir this weekend by denying reports that Ohio State had offered him its head coaching position, but then asking to be taken off of the broadcast team for the OSU-U-M game.  Meyer has admitted that if the Buckeyes make an offer, he'd have "a decision to make" (which shows that Meyer has come a long way from middle school, when girls would ask him to dance and he'd just sort of stand there until they either gave up or just grabbed his arms and dragged him to the dance floor). 

I mean, if he does decide to return to coaching, he's not going to get much of a better offer than OSU.  Top notch school, great tradition and history, able to pick from the best players every year- with a great offensive mind like Meyer has, OSU would be back on top in, like, two seasons.  Tops.

And I hate that we're even talking about this.  Not just because it's OSU, either.

What pisses me off is that he "retired" last December (which is, according to my calendar, less than a year ago) to "spend some time with his family".  I used the ".." because I think it's probably B.S.  And I'm not just hating on Meyer.  I know other coaches have done this as well, and and retiring to spend time with his family, only to quickly return to some other lucrative coaching opportunity.

At least Meyer did take some time off.  Yeah, he took off about a month and a half before he was hired by ESPN in January of 2011 to be a college football analyst.  This probably means one of three things:
1) He realized that he really doesn't like his family that much. 
2) He does like his family, but in that month and a half he was able to spend so much time with them that there was literally nothing else that they could do as a family.
3) Urban is really, really bad with money and just needed to get a job.

Of course, a fourth reason is probably that he realized Tim Tebow had graduated and that a string of 4-5+ loss seasons was looking him square in the face.  That's enough to send any coach to the hospital with chest pains.  I think coaches leave for this reason or that reason, and the "spend time with family" one is supposed to somehow dumb things down- like they're trying to convince us that they really are humans (just like us) and not simply overly-competitive workaholic megalomaniacs.
 
I wonder if his kids got really excited when they found out he was quitting the job that meant he was never, ever home (and probably distant/stressed out when he was home)- and what their feelings were when, less than two months later, he was going back to another job that meant lots of hours, phone calls on birthdays and 'hurry up and open your damn Christmas presents, I have to be at practice at 6 a.m. today' holidays. 

Note to future Urban Meyer players: If Urban Meyer ever refers to your team as 'family', then abandon ship- you know that you are about to be thrown under the bus.

-Speaking of throwing under the bus, Montee Ball from U-W decided that, in his quest to break Barry Sanders' single-season record for TDs (and by the way, when I read that, I realized how strongly I still feel about Barry Sanders because it sort of made me mad that someone was approaching his record), he would give his O-line the Marq-tran Heave-ho.  After the Badgers win against Penn State, he said (in terms of the record), "Whatever the offensive line wants.  If they want me to get there, then I'll get there".

Alright, so I guess it's not really throwing them under the bus, it's more like a well-time hip check just as the bus is coming by.

Still, I couldn't believe it when I read that.  You're putting the onus on your O-line to get you this mark?  That whether or not you achieve your record is dependent on their level of desire?  Never mind which plays the coaches call, down/distance, game situations, defensive game planning, what have you.  The latent statement here is "If I don't get it, it's because my O-line is a bunch of selfish slackers".  Which isn't really a message you want to send to the guys protecting you from the 250+ pound Ball-seeking missiles.

Montee, you've had a phenomenal season, even if you don't break the TD record (and I'm hoping you don't.  Just saying).  But could it be that maybe you got your sports cliches mixed up?  That is, you recognize that the O-line is a huge part of your success and you know that every player is an important part of the team but you had to answer a question about an individual record and there was some sort of short circuit in your brain...maybe?

It'll be interesting to see if the Badger O-line takes it personal (and I'm hoping they do.  Just saying).

-After a topsy turvey seasons end, the BCS is finally shaping up a little bit...unfortunately it looks like it's going to be an SEC title game in the NCAA title game.  As a football fan and SEC ambivalist, I'm not really looking forward to this.

I don't want to take away anything from the LSU Tigers- they were pretty much dominant in every game this season (only one win was by less than 2 TD- technically.  13 point win against Mississippi State) and they look like the best team in the country.  I'm still holding out hope that Georgia pulls the upset in the SEC title game but I'm not holding my breath.  And even if I were holding my breath, I'd wait until much, much closer to the actual game itself because I would surely pass out several times if I started now.
But after seeing Michigan lose out on a shot at a rematch against OSU a few years ago (when they met late in the season as #1 vs. #2) , I'm not overly keen on seeing LSU-Alabama II for all the marbles.  Yes, they're ranked #1 and #2- but my personal feelings are that those rankings are (maybe) more indicative of where they started the season ranked.  At seasons beginning, LSU was ranked #4 and Alabama was #2.  Now, they did each have an early season test (which they both passed)- but there was a lot of fluff to be had on those schedules as well.  And overall, the SEC had what I would call a down year. 

I've already written about the inherent flaw in the ranking system, so I won't get into that again.  In fact, I'm not even going to hyperlink to it.  If you want to read it, then by golly get up off your lazy butt and find it!  Sorry, I was just channeling my inner-Montee Ball there for a second.

As someone who likes to see underdogs succeed, it's very frustrating that teams like Oklahoma State (who admittedly had a really, really bad hiccup), Boise State (who lost a much more defensible close game at home versus a very good TCU team), and even Stanford (with only one loss, which came against a top-10 team) are going to be left on the sidelines while Alabama gets the second chance that Michigan didn't get five years ago.

- If Mark Ingram won the Heisman back in 2009 (which he did, according to my sources), then Trent Richardson deserves to win it in 2011.  I would vote for Richardson on principle, but he's had superior numbers to Ingram and ended his regular season with a monster game in the Iron Bowl against Auburn (unlike Ingram, who limped to the finish and pretty much won the Heisman because he had a captive audience the weekend the votes were cast).  There are plenty of worthy candidates- but Richardson has been a beast all year playing for the #2 ranked team.  He was held under 100 yards rushing 3 times- against Kent State (37 yards, probably only played like a quarter, did have 3 TDs), Tennessee (77 yards, had 2 TDs), and LSU (89 yards, with 80 yards receiving).  So even when he was "sub-par", he was still pretty "sup-er".  Did you see what I did there?  Impressive, no? 

So that's my football thoughts for now.  In the meantime, Go Snow Flurries!!!

*Obviously I knew about the scandal.  Even though I no longer consider myself a die-hard Michigan fan, this disdain for OSU has died hard, and I couldn't resist a little elbow-to-the-ribs of the Buckeye nation.  Nothing like a rivalry win to make me feel a little Internet bravery, eh?

Shame on Suh

As Thanksgiving day 2011 comes to a close, I just thought of something else I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for having a Detroit Lions team that does not disgrace the game so badly that the TV talking heads are forced to opine the merits of taking away the one Lions tradition that does not involve poor drafting or poor play.  If there's one thing I hate worse than always having a bad team, it's watching pre-game shows where everybody tells me how bad my team is.  Hey, thanks Dan Marino- but I already knew that Matt Millen flushed the whole freaking franchise down the toilet.

In case you didn't watch the Packers-Lions turkey day tilt this afternoon (and if you're reading this blog, there is really no reason why you shouldn't have), then you missed the time when Ndamukong Suh morphed into the WWF version of the Incredible Hulk. 

Much has been made this season about the Detroit Lions being a dirty team and Suh being named the dirtiest player in the league (in a recent poll done by the Sporting News.  I guess).  For the most part, I don't have a huge problem with, as Brian Urlacher put it, the Lions playing to 'the echo of the whistle'.  This is about changing a losing culture, and if they have to go a little too far the other way- well, that's fine.  People just need to know that they can't mess with the Detroit Lions. 

In that regard, I love what Suh brings to the table.  He is a physical freak- with python-like arms, a non-stop motor, and running back athleticism.  He has an impossible to pronounce/spell first name mixed with a phonetically pleasing last name which helps him to appeal to...well, whatever demographic that sort of thing appeals to.  His arrival in Detroit has coincided with the Renaissance that has been Detroit football the last couple years.  It's like a breath of fresh air, which is no trivial thing when you're living in a cesspool like Detroit.

Of course, you have to take the bad with the good, and in this case, our dominant defensive lineman/philanthropist is also apparently a delusional homicidal maniac.  During the past two seasons, he has almost ripped the heads off of two QBs.  He also did a pretty fair 'Hulk Smash' impression on Jay Cutler's back last year.  The worst part of this is that he doesn't seem to realize this- or he does realize and just doesn't care.

Today's incident seriously upped the rhetoric from the 'Suh/dirty player' camps, and as much as it pains me to say this- the pundits just might be right about this one.  I think what puts elevates this incident over the others in terms of 'Okay, maybe Suh is a little bit of an angry douche-bag' was when he unsuccessfully tried to tell the world that he was the victim here. 

Before watching Suh wade through probably the worst apology/defense since Tiger Woods tried to tell us his golf clubs had attacked him, his shenanigans reminded me of the Bad Boys.  Sure, they played rough, and they may or may not have broken some rules (as well as basic laws of human decency), but they were our team and it actually made us feel closer to them.  People were backing us into the same corner, and as long as that corner wasn't anywhere near Bill Laimbeer, we were just fine to bunkerize ourselves with them. 

It's been the same thing for Donkey-Kong Suh.  With each incident, each act of competitive violence, it was just justified in the context of being a 'competitor'.  Yeah he tried to rip his head off- but it's Jake Delhomme.  He'd have done the Browns a favor!  And so what that he tried to forearm shiver Jay Cutler into a greasy paste?  He was just trying to make a play!  Besides, sometimes I just think your hands end up really close to someones head in football and you just have to violently tear them away.  Completely natural. 

But today was somehow different.  And I really think the difference lies in the level of self-deceit apparent in the post game comments about the incident.

Understand that football can be a violent game and with all that adrenaline and testosterone and pressure, it makes sense that dudes would get pissed off once in awhile.  I'm not begrudging Suh that.  Sure, his stunt gave the Packers a first down inside the 5 after we had just stopped them on a third-and-goal, which was exactly what our team needed after the Packers apparently performed some sort of ritual exorcism at halftime and rid them of the first half sucktitude.  The fact that he got ejected was just icing on the 'We're screwed' cake.  Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit begrudging.

But if he just would have came out afterwards and been like 'Man, I don't know what happened- I was just really really hungry and I didn't think I could wait until after the game, and I just kept thinking about turkey, and I was pissed that I couldn't eat until after the game and- well, I let my hunger get the best of me and I behaved in a way that was detrimental to my team, the fans, and this great organization.  I'm sorry, and I'll accept whatever punishment that comes my way'.  I would have accepted that.  Lots of dudes get angry and do stupid stuff.  Especially when turkey is involved.

That's not what he did though.  He came out and basically blamed the refs for throwing him out for just trying to get up.  He appealed to his 'true fans' and God (I'm assuming God.  He said 'the man upstairs'.  Which, given his apparent assessment of reality, could be some guy that he actually thinks lives 'upstairs') and basically accused anyone who tries to spin this into the 'Suh=dirtiest NFL player' narrative of being some sort of self-serving jerk-nalist.   He tried to justify the kicking action by saying he was 'trying to gain his balance'.

HULK...TRYING TO...MAINTAIN....EQUILIBRIUM...

Some of the TV talking heads were talking about the possibility of a suspension and I have to say I agree with them on this.  I'm sorry, he can create a persecution-free layer of protection in his mind, but it's pretty plain to see that there was some malicious intent there.  At the very least, suspend him for a game and send him to some ballet classes where they can help him with his balance so that he doesn't accidentally kill someone next time he falls down.

And seriously, I think a suspension would do him good, if for no other reason than to hopefully get him to acknowledge that 'Hey, I can still be a tough guy who stretches the rules just as long as I don't obviously break them'.  We were joking about Suh before the game, and the ripping off of other players heads (figuratively speaking) and in that moment I sort of pictured that very thing literally happening- and it didn't surprise me at all.  And it makes sense.  Suh is not the first guy with that kind of strength and that built up passive rage (while seeming to lack the ability to comprehend his actions from a second-person perspective) that we've come across...

HULK SHOW YOU ROUGHING PASSER!!!!!

Please, Ndamukong- get some self control before you really hurt someone and throw a potentially Hall-of-Fame career down the toilet. 

PIC-
Hulk 1- http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4127/4835814723_cce53fd3c3.jpg
Hulk 2- http://www.riverglassdesigns.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/hulk-smash1.jpg

Rock, paper, scissors, arms race

NEWS FLASH- Being a parent is hard, apparently.  Especially those first few precious years of life when you spend most of your time thinking about what the hell you were thinking.  Really the only thing that helps parents get through that endless stretch of sleepless nights, constant crying, and crappy diapers (other than the fear of legal recourse.  Oh, and love.  Heh heh, obviously love too.  I thought that was implied.  Guys?) is the knowledge the someday, your children's worldview will completely and totally be like clay in your hands.

What this really means in layman's terms is that you will be able to buy the toys that you wished you could buy when you were a kid (but your parents wouldn't let you have) and watch your favorite movies and TV shows all the time.  Sure, your kids will end up just as screwed up as you are- but that's why they have kids.  So they can heal through the life journey that is living our your repressed childhood fantasies through action figures and video games. It's called the circle of life for a reason people!

I say all of that merely to say that one of the recent events in my own pre-apocalyptic timeline is that I have indoctrinated my children into the greatest game ever invented- Paper, Scissors, Rock.  Or is it Rock, Paper, Scissors?  Gah, I can never remember!

For a passive, non-confrontationalist like me, Crush/Cover/Cut is THE way for solving problems without actually solving problems.  If you've spent any time around human beings lately, you know that there are always issues that arise that are not immediately settled and requires either quick thinking or violence to resolve.  This happens generally for two reasons (there are probably more but for the sake of making me seem like I know what I'm talking about, let's just assume there's only two):
1) There is an inadequate supply of resources. 
2) Negotiations have broken down to a state of 'Uh huh/Nuh uh'.

Teaching them Rochambeau is a great way to help them resolve conflict in a nice, tidy way without yelling, screaming, or violent fisticuffs.  But sometimes I feel that by teaching my children to obtain a compromise by using this game, I am just painting them with blood and throwing them to the sharks.  Am I overreacting?

Look at this face.  It is serious.  Clearly then the answer is 'no, I am not overreacting'.

Obviously I'm not teaching them this game just to play it as a game.  As you know from all the times you've ever played Paper, Rock, Scissors, the only time it ever gets played is when there is some discord that needs to be unsown.   Whether it's the last piece of pizza or who has to get their pajamas on first, Rock, Scissors, Paper is just a much faster and easier way to get to the bottom of things- and it's much more fun!  Besides, it potentially involves thumping your sister without fear of reprisal.  Wait- I thought you were writing against the game.  So what are these supposed downsides?

Well, they are simply this- that my children will not only develop a series of easily deduced (yet fatal) flaws, but also develop equally inane (yet limited) strengths.  To convince you that I am, in fact, a Prophet, we're going to look at the Scissors, Paper, Rock love triangle and how all of these pieces interact with each other.  Your role in this is to be amazed and then send me money.

Paper versus Rock
Winner: Paper
What Paper teaches us-  To take on challenges outside of your pay grade because of you have a plucky underdog spirit.
What would happen instead- You get chewed up, crumpled up, stepped on, torn apart and sent to the recycling bin.

I'm starting with the most obvious miscast first.  I cannot imagine any sort of battle where wielding paper would lead you to victory- unless your enemy is packing air guitars.  Generally, if you are going into battle and your strongest weapon is found in a MEAD notebook, you might as well tear out a piece, tape it to a pencil (I'm assuming you have these things with you because you have chosen to wage war with office supplies) and just wave it around in the air because surrendering is your best option.

Yes sometimes it's good to face the odds and stare them down because underdogs can win.  But sometimes it's just as good to retreat.  Sure David beat Goliath- but it's not because Goliath was a great big pushover.  David had a little thing I like to call 'divine intervention'.  When you clearly don't have that though, probably the next best thing is a little thing I like to call 'retreat!'.

Who is covering who now, huh punk?

A great man of wisdom said it best- You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know just when to get the eff out.  For instance, whenever the best weapon in your arsenal is wood shavings mixed with water.




 

Rock versus Scissors
Winner:Rock
What Rock teaches us- You don't need to totally defeat your enemies- you can get by with only mostly defeating them.
What would happen instead- No, you actually need to defeat them all the way or else they will come back bigger, stronger, and wearing an ass-kicking chip on their now-robust shoulders.

This one actually makes more sense than Paper v. Rock- especially if your scissors are made of plastic.  A well-placed blow from a heavy rock to a pair of children's paring shears could probably reduce the scissors to dust (and the child to tears.  Uh, sorry kid, war is an ugly thing...and you should have picked paper.  I know, it doesn't make sense to me either).    But if it's an average pair of kitchen sheers?  Then maybe not so much.  See lots of scissors are made from stainless steel.  Now I'm not smart guy, but I do know that a blow from a rock is not going to be enough to destroy steel.  Steel is meant to withstand heavy blows, and it takes thousands of degrees of applied heat to really get close to what I would consider to be 'destroying' it.

In fact, brute strength plays an essential part in the creation of a pair of scissors.  One of the tools used to make scissors is called a drop hammer.  A drop hammer can exert more than 11,000 pounds of force.  When they pound the red-hot steel with one of those suckers, it not only shapes the steel- but it makes it stronger as well.  

So unless you are generating large amounts of continuous heat by striking with your rock with the force of a drop hammer, you are definitely not defeating the scissors.  All you are probably doing is pissing them off and making them stronger.  And if that pair of scissors decides to turn on you?

Oh.  So that's what pissed-off metal can do to rock. 

Scissors versus Paper
Winner: Scissors
What Scissors teach us- Treat anyone however you wish to treat them, even if that means that you have to hurt them in the process.
What would happen instead- People will get tired of your antics, band together, and you will face an endlessly self-replicating army of enemies.

This one definitely makes the most sense, because it obviously works.  Look, I went to Kindergarten.  I've seen scissors cut paper before- and it was like the paper wasn't even there.  That's a fact.  Yo.

Unfortunately, unless you are using flaming scissors, cutting the paper does not kill it.  Surely you know this!  As with Rock v. Scissors, physical deformity does not equal defeat.  All your smug efforts have done is create a second sheet of paper.  Sure it's smaller- but you haven't destroyed it, or even disarmed it- you've just doubled it.  And probably pissed it off.  Congratulations! 

And due to the rules of engagement you definitely can't burn it- unless you use the Nuke.  But then you're breaking the rules.  And nobody likes to play with the kid that breaks the rules.

Right?

PICS-
Rock- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7e/Rock-paper-scissors_(rock).png
Paper- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Rock-paper-scissors_(paper).png
Scissors- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5f/Rock-paper-scissors_%28scissors%29.png 
Rock- http://www.hobbycraft.co.uk/Assets/Ideas/Large/84.jpg
Shawshank- http://images.wikia.com/shawshank/images/8/85/Andy_Dufresene%27s_escape.jpg
Congress- http://micevhill.com/attachments/Image/congressional_seal.png