Draftstravaganza 2012: The entrée

After enduring the bitter defeat of not getting onto the Fantasy Island (which I survived by convincing myself that I was one of the last cuts) and wallowing in the filth of my own misery, it's back to work.  After all, this blog isn't just going to write itself!

So let's talk about my draft....hmmmm....what can I say about my draft...I don't know?  I just don't know.  Yeah, that's it.  I'm running on the platform of my consistent and well-documented incompetence.

I had a hard time getting excited about anyone's prospects this year.  Maybe I've read too many smart articles (smarticles?).  Maybe I've watched too much soccer the past couple of years and I'm anticipating a bunch of ridiculously low scoring games, culminating the New England Patriots advancing from the group stage with an 2-13-1 (wins/draws/losses in soccer land) record and winning the Super Bowl on penalty kicks.  Whatever the case, there were really no instances where my name came up in the draft and I thought 'Oh my goodness, I can't believe no one else had the foresight to draft this league-winning touchdown machine'.  It was more like 'Oh my goodness, I paid $30 to draft this guy?  In this round???'.

Plus, in my defense...it didn't help that I was trying really hard to sit there at the kitchen table to just do my draft, and all these other things kept happening.  I had to give the kids a bath, my brother's girlfriend came over (so they forced me to get off the computer and go meet her), I didn't get much sleep (we went to a baseball game the night before), my mom made white chili (I'll let you use your imagination as to why that was a distraction), I forgot how to read...

This Fantasy Football draft thing is so hard!

But whatever.  The great ones can shake off distractions like Jason Bourne getting accosted at the consulate.  And yes, not only did I imply that I am great, but that my greatness is on par with Jason Bourne.  So this is where I give you my 2012 draft to make your own judgment of my abilities.  Just as long as you're not making that assessment by actual on-field performance or something arbitrary like that.

Round 1
Didn't get: Greg Jennings, WR- I was pretty locked into getting a running back here anyways, especially since running backs were flying off the board with the quickness.  Unfortunately, I sort of got caught with my pants down and ended up with...
Frank Gore, RB Your first round pick can potentially ruin your feelings about your entire draft, as I found out this past weekend.  I realize I'm painting myself into a "John Henry regret" corner by saying this- but I'm not very excited about Frank Gore.  Frank, I really hope it doesn't make this awkward around the clubhouse this year, but I just...well, I just planned on a couple other running backs being available, and then they weren't and I really hadn't researched you but you were the only name at the top of the RB board that I recognized and I panicked and then I read what Matthew Berry had to say and I...look, no hard feelings, okay?  Just try not to suck/get hurt, we'll make it through this year and I'll dump you back in the draft proper.
Of course, I could have had: Andre Johnson, WR-  At least he's a guy I wouldn't have taken anyways (injured last year, plays for a ground-n-pound type team), so that was some consolation for my inconvenient first round.

Round 2
Didn't get: Mike Wallace, WR- One of those guys I wouldn't have drafted unless it was the last round and the entire NFC had been whisked off to Secret Wars.  Holdout, new offensive system, with an up-and-comer at the same position (Antonio Brown)-sorry Mike Wallace, you're going to have to play your 60 Minutes for someone else (eh, eh?  Did you see what I did there?).  And then I went for...
Julio Jones, WR.  Not that I necessarily wanted to, mind you.  I would have probably felt amazing about Jones in round 4 and pretty good in round 3.  Here in round 2 though, it feels a little feels like a reach (with the injury troubles last season and the fact that I'm not the biggest Matty Ice fan)...but I really didn't like any of the WRs at that spot and didn't want to miss out on the top WRs.  So, welcome to the Snow Flurries...now is that J-J-Jewelio or H-H-Who-lio?  This is not a trivial question.  I'm going to be on a first name (or abbreviation) basis with you this season, and I need to know whether to refer to you as JJ or HJ.
Could have had: Michael Turner, RB- It would have been neat to nab Turner somewhere, just to see him add to his career Snow Flurry point totals.  Of course, Turner is on the wrong side of the 30/30 something, and if there's one thing we don't do here with the Snow Flurries, it's spend high draft picks on old running backs who have some injury history and are at or approaching the age of 30.  Oh, hey there, Frank......it's only awkward if we let it be.

Round 3
Didn't get: BenJarvus Green-Ellis- I suppose he could have a solid/really good season for the Bengals this year (obviously someone thought so, they drafted him in the third round)- I've just never been a huge fan of the Law Firm.  I mean the player.  The nickname?  It's golden. Anyways I went ahead and drafted...
Stevan Ridley, RB Another pick that feels like a reach (and yes, I'm really regretting my half-assed 'attempt' at preparation), nonetheless Ridley had some bright moments in 2011 and with the Law Firm setting up his practice in Cincy, Ridley's Believe-it-or-not could be a great pick, especially if he gets dibs on the goal line carries that are now up for grabs.  Plus- Shane Vereen, his main competitor, suffered a preseason injury that I'm hoping gives RBI (yes, you just witnessed me co-opting a nickname and then abbreviating it because it was too freaking long) the upper hand in the competition.
Could have had: Steve Smith (Panthers).  Perhaps even more than Cam Newton, Smith was the biggest surprise to come out of the Carolina resurgence.  The difference in 2012 is that Newton still has his prime to hit, while Smith fumbled his out of bounds about 3 autumns ago. 

Round 4
Didn't get: Miles Austin, WR- If this was 2010, I might be a little angry that someone had the wherewithal to pick Austin right before I did.  But he hasn't produced at that high of a level since then, and besides- if I was going to reach for a receiver who had a legendary season and then fell back to Earth, with a 2012 prognosis riddled with question marks, I was gonna draft...
Dwayne Bowe, WR Take the Prodigal Son.  Marinate in some That Part Where Aslan Died.  Mix in a little bit of Willow, a dash of August Rush, and a pinch of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  Stir in some Lord of the Rings and 'Luke, I am your father'.  Sprinkle on some zest of 'You had me at hello'.  That is the appetizer to the entree that is epic awesomeness of Dwayne Bowe coming home this season.  Please, please- don't talk to me about Matt Cassel and the hold out until tomorrow.  Right now, it's all about Dwayne. 
I guess I could have had: DeSean Jackson, WR- Maybe?  But there's no one else I would have rather had here, right now, than Dwayne Bowe, forever the Adrian to my Rocky.

Round 5
Didn't get: Percy Harvin, WR- For the first time, I kick myself a little (but only a little- and even then, only after reading some statistics of the Harvin/Ponder connection late in the season) for not getting a chance at someone.  But then I remember that this guy's bones are made of peanut brittle, and I relax a little and go for....
Aaron Hernandez, TE I'm not sure about this pick- it sort of feels like a reach, but it could also be a steal.  I was going to go for a back-up QB here, but then there was a little mini-run on TEs and so I wanted to make sure I got a decent starter.  While the Gronk will probably get the lion's share of the catches and TDs, Brady spreads the ball around enough (and New England runs enough two TE sets) to make Hernandez a solid starter here.
Could have had:Fred Davis, TE- This is less of an indictment on Davis and more of a testament to my faith in Brady and the Patriots system (which itself is a symptom of my situational amnesia).  Davis would have probably been a better pick for me- but I think that Hernandez is going to be just as solid with more upside (even if Belichik did mysteriously erase Hernandez from existence for a very crucial week during my 2010 season).

Round 6
Didn't get: Kevin Smith, RB- One thing being a Lions fan has taught me over the years is that you never, ever, EVER draft a Lions RB (Barry Sanders not withstanding).  This is not a team with a proud history of ball toters.  So Kevin Smith was not a player I had in my sights this year.  Which is good, I suppose, because it allowed me to draft...
Philip Rivers, QB Hey hey hey, let's calm down people!  Yes, I know that I already have Tom Brady, and barring injury there's no way that Rivers sees the field.  So what gives?  Isn't round 6 sort of high to buy a back-up QB?  Perhaps.  Nay, probably.  But to me, this pick was all about leveraging assets.  There was no other player at this spot in the draft that I felt was worth as much as Phillip Rivers.  Rivers is a known commodity, a top-10 QB year in and year out.  Simply put, this was a value pick for me.  Rivers is a guy that gives me immediate relief in the short term should something happen to Brady (vigorously searching for some wood to knock the crap out of) and if both Rivers and Brady are hot, then I can try and deal Rivers for some other players at positions I'll likely be needing (no offense, rounds 1-5 guys).  And if both somehow happen to suck?  Well, then I'm screwed regardless. 
Could have had:Tony Gonzalez, TE- I suppose it's possible that in the end I should have taken Gonzalez instead of Hernandez a round back.  Gonzalez may not have the upside, but he's also a known commodity at this point and unlike Hernandez, he won't be sharing a lot of TE targets.  And now I've gone and talked myself out of Aaron Hernandez.  Well that's just great!

Round 7
Didn't get: Cedric Benson, RB- Another guy I never really had my sights on.  In a couple months, he'll join the 30/30 something club, and going to a new scheme where Aaron Rodgers is king- it just doesn't feel like a good fit (for real or for fantasy)  So I got this guy instead...
Darius Moore, WR As I look back over my draft, one word comes instantly to mind- REACH. 

Which sucks, come to think about it

As in, I probably picked many of my players a round or more ahead of where I could have got them.  Moore is one of those guys.  I think pretty highly of him, actually- Carson Palmer should look more like Carson and less like Jordan Palmer this year, and the Experts think pretty highly of his potential.  It's just that I probably could have had him a little later on.  Then again...
Could have had: Packers D- If people are already breaking out the defenses, I could have had him a lot later.  Great.  Just. Fricking. Great.

Well, that's rounds 1-7 of my great mistake 2012 draft.  In the interest of keeping your interest, I've decided to take what was supposed to be a one-and-done draft recap and turn it into an epic Trilogy.  Except unlike Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, I definitely saved the retreads and long-shots for last.  So...we'll see you next week?

PIC- http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3ptwl9/

Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg