Wrestling and my new universe (newniverse?)

So after my last post blew up the Internet, shut down Twitter, and almost won me the Nobel Peace Prize, it seemed imperative that I follow up with a more in-depth description of what the eff I was talking about.  And by 'blew up the internet', I mean 8 page views.  My blog is the literary equivalent of a selfie. 

Not that there's anything wrong with selfies

If you recall, sometime last year I came up with this ridiculously awesome idea to run my very own fake wrestling league/universe.  The idea was practically flawless and even though it's been done before, there was just no way that my iteration wasn't going to take the world by storm.  Aside from the fact that, you know, I would be heavily, HEAVILY involved in it.

Obviously it did not happen and I quickly realized that my initial idea wasn't realistic, especially given some of the (admittedly very cool) extra-curricular stuff that was going on at that time.  Still, I knew that I had to give the people what they want.

It was around March Madness time where I stumbled on the brilliant idea that I am totally shilling to you right now- wrestling tournaments.  It's wrestling AND it's tournaments.  How can it fail?  Plus, as ludicrous as creating and managing a video-game driven fake universe revolving around not-real people engaging in a sport with pre-determined outcomes may be, it's at least a little respectable because hey, tournaments. 

With the sheer volume some would say plethora of championships in the game, I will not be at a loss for new and fresh material.  Indeed, I'm just going to have a bunch of tournaments until they're all gone.  It will be easier to manage a series of tournaments for the purposes of blogging because they're basically short term self-contained entities as opposed to the never-ending "season" that wrestling essentially is.  Think of it like eating a regular gobstopper instead of an everlasting gobstopper.

Don't worry, wrestling fans- I'll still try to include storylines and (hopefully) cutscenes.  I also plan to tie my universe together with continuity, random facts about my (real and pretend) subjects, and I'll probably even solve the mystery of life while I'm at it.

I'm past rambling but if you would suffer me a couple of final thoughts:

1) The past couple of WWE video games have had "Retro" versions of some wrestlers, such as Brock Lesnar before and after he tattooed a giant phallus on his chest.  I will not be choosing between the two for competitive purposes, and in fact will encourage doppelgangers to throw down.  If Thuganomics John Cena faces Fruity Pebbles John Cena for the WWE Championship (Miz edition) then the good guys have won.

2) The previous champion receives an automatic bid to the next tournament.

3) For reasons of good form, I will not be playing any of the matches.  I am also going to be a slave to the automated result.  It's not always going to be optimal, and sometimes you end up with crap like Darren Young defeating Andre the Giant, Abraham Lincoln, AND Stone Cold in the qualifying Royal Rumble to advance to the round of 16 in my first championship tournament (results of which are coming soon!).  But life is not usually by the script and, like they say, when life hands you lemons you make a chicken sh*t sandwich.

4) Damage retention is ON. That means if somehow Bret Hart gets decapitated in victory, he will advance to the next round with no head.  Just like God intended.

5) I'm going to barrel through with this, whether anyone reads it or not.  I will also make an effort to write about real, actual things, so if for whatever reason you frequent my blog in hopes of non-wrestling/non-pretend play tomfoolery, you will be sated at some point.  But try to keep an open mind about wrestling tomfoolery.

Watching my children play make-believe with their toys and talk about their own made-up 'worlds' makes me realize that there is great value in having active imaginations.  I've always loved to pretend.  It's actually one of the few things I'm really, really good at.  Reality can be tough.  We have to live there and work there and pay bills there and if you stay there too long, it can kill your imagination.  When imagination dies, so do dreams.  When dreams die, so does hope.

Basically if you don't read my virtual toy stories, you will lose hope and life will have no meaning.  The end. 

PIC- Selfie- http://stcommunities.straitstimes.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/bxslider_photo/gta1.jpg
Triple H- http://images.mstarz.com/data/images/full/20918/triple-h.jpeg

Swallow sadness, send some faxes

Today, Grantland announced their winners for the Fantasy Island contest- an exclusive club which I am not a member of.  Today, I again experienced the heartache of misplaced hope.  Today, as it will probably be known forevermore (or at least for the next couple days) as Doomsday, or maybe just the day that I realized this one thing- that I really am not good enough.

Yes, there's a little bit of self-loathing going on here, I'll admit it.  It's just that the overarching theme of this summer has been 'Not good enough'.  I was one of two candidates for a job earlier this summer.  Guess who got it.  Not good enough.  There was another opportunity later that would have put that one to shame.  Not good enough.  And now, this.  A chance to write on a topic I love in a format that I would probably be pretty good at- just not good enough.  

So, once again, even after trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to take my chances too seriously or get my hopes up too high, I find myself picking up the pieces again.  Wondering what's next again.  Well, I know what's next- working as a special education aide for peanuts.  I apologize if I seem bitter- it's just that I keep having people say 'something better out there' when it seems like all of the better things serve only to be the laser pointer to my cat-like curiosity and result in me wildly chasing them around, looking like an idiot to everyone in the world- except me, who can't figure out where the hell that red light keeps going off to.

Since I didn't enter the winners circle, I suppose there's no harm in sharing my submission for Fantasy Island.  Obviously it's not great, but I feel like it's me and that's all I can give, right?  Even if it's not good enough.

Do you want to know what sets me apart from all the other Fantasy Football “experts” on the Internet?  Simple—I finished 11-2 last year, led the league in scoring…and promptly flamed out of the playoffs in my first game.  That makes me the Peyton Manning of Fantasy Football.  Clearly, then, you shouldn’t miss my Top Five Fantasy Players of 2012.

5.  Arian Foster: I’ve never been a huge Arian Foster fan—mostly because he has a history of making me look like an idiot.  As Martin Niemöller (maybe) once said:

In 2009 he came to me in the 16^th round and I passed, because Arian who?

In 2010 he came to me in the 5^th round and I passed, because I wasn’t paying attention.

In 2011 he came to me in the 1^st round and I passed, because I believed 2010 was a fluke.

In 2012 I tried to trade for him, and I almost got laughed out of the league.

Foster’s a certified stud because he’s one of the last of the bell-cow backs and also plays an integral role in Houston’s passing game.  I just have one question—is it too late to hop on the bandwagon?

4.  Cam Newton: Confession time—who saw this kid coming last year?  Besides me, I mean.  Because I totally drafted Cam Newton last year.  Sure, it was a throw-away Mr. Irrelevant pick and in a cautionary tale of Fantasy Football hazing gone wrong I cut him days later when the rosters had to be set at 16.  Guess I showed him though!

I have Newton at number 4 because even though there’s no way he puts up PlayStation numbers again, I wouldn’t bet against him.  Newton spent his offseason doing things like making regular underwear obsolete and loading up on electrolytes (Electrolytes!) –which suggests he’s poised to lead his (your) team to victory.  Or at least a killer stat line. 

3.  Jimmy Graham: This spot was a toss-up between Graham and Rob Gronkowski.  In the end, I went with Jimmy because he was responsible for giving me approximately zero psychological scars this summer.  Gronk, meanwhile, was my own personal ‘Einhorn is a man’ moment (at least he went laces out though).  Besides, no less an expert than Drew Brees (who helped make the former-college-basketball-playing-tight-end a ‘thing’) said “the sky is the limit” for Graham.  Science flash—the sky is like 109,120 yards high.  Do you know how many fantasy points that is?  Well, it depends on how your league scores…but it’s probably a lot. 

2.  Calvin Johnson: Look, the Madden curse is real, so let’s just put that card out on the table.  Still, I have reason to believe that Johnson will not go the way of Peyton Hillis, and it totally has nothing to do with the fact that my psychiatrist told me I should try and be more positive.  It has everything to do with these numbers—6, 5, 4.35, and 42.5.  As in, 6’5”, 4.35 40 yard dash and 42.5” vertical leap.  That type of sick natural ability transcends superstition.  And if Stafford stays healthy again, then we could…OH GOD, WHY DID CALVIN GET ON THE MADDEN COVER????

1. Tom Brady: In the post-concussion-awareness NFL, any QB could potentially throw for 5,000+ yards and crap-ton o’ touchdowns and be a top fantasy prospect.  So how did I choose Brady?  Rather than drawing names out of a hat like most of my contemporaries, I designed this ultra-complicated and definitely-not-fake formula that unfortunately was destroyed in a mysterious house fire (okay, I actually just played ‘eeny, meeny, miney, moe’).  The point is  that I was able to definitively determine that Tom Brady will be the absolute bestest, most awesomest Fantasy Football player in 2012.

Unless, of course, he’s not.

Bonus time!  My top sleeper:  Mike Williams (the Tampa Bay one).  Hey, I don’t blame you for sleeping on this guy.  I mean, even I spent last season walking that line between pleading for production and having to be restrained from punching him right in the face.  It wasn’t long ago, however, that Williams had almost 1,000 yards and 11 touchdowns.  2012 finds Williams in better shape, with less defensive attention (thanks, VJ!) and the opportunity to line up in different spots to draw more favorable match-ups.  And he’s sporting a Sunnah beard.  If he can fit that sucker inside his chin strap, you have to feel pretty good about his chances to come back from Fantasy Hell in 2012.

Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg

An awesome opportunity it would be...if only it would happen to me

Rather than tread lightly around the subject, I'm just gonna come right out with it.  Today is (supposed to be) the day that the Bill Simmons website announces who their Fantasy Football writers are going to be.  I'm honestly trying not to think about it too much, or get my hopes up, because I imagine that they got a ton of responses- and while I usually go back and forth about my abilities as a writer, I have no misgivings about my chances here.

What gives me hope is that the competition was not about being a fanciful writer or a Ron Jaworski clone.  They simply asked for a voice (10-12 voices, actually).  Hey- I have a voice!  Thus I wrote an exquisite 750-word essay, submitted it, and put myself out there.  I have just about zero delusions of grandeur, but I firmly believe that I have what it takes to be a Fantasy Football writer. 

Why do I believe this?  Simple.  After working on this project, I went back through and read some of my previous posts about Fantasy Football and I realized something- I'm ridiculous.

Just in case you didn't realize it yet.

I'm not just ridiculous...nay, I am the King of Ridiculous!  I mean, I am the guy who spends a Sunday morning scouring the box scores of Fantasy Football games from 3 years ago to determine who his all time leading scorer is.   I am the guy that wrote about franchises being Sarlacc pits and equating injured reserve with death and...and...and...well, doggone it, I should be writing for Grantland, a website that routinely tip-toes the line between the awesome and the absurd.  And what is more absurdly awesome than me writing about my Fantasy Football exploits with this sort of self-aware-ridiculousness?

(Hint:  Nothing.  The answer you're looking for is 'nothing').  

So yes, I'll be checking my e-mail (and Grantland) today like I'm Gigi.  After all of the opportunities that fell through this summer, I sure would like to think this is the pot of gold at the end of my proverbial rope.  But whether I succeed or not (and yes, you will find out either way), one thing is for certain: later this week I will be bringing you my 2012 Fantasy Football draft report!!!

PIC: http://mavenagency.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/spoiler_alert_300_w2.jpg