Marvel vs. DC- The Marvel Machine (offense)

One of the advantages of being a stay-at-home dad is that I get put into inspirational situations that might not occur if I was a working man with kids in daycare.  The other day, in the process of playing with my children, I found myself holding a Spider-man toy and a little killer whale toy.  I tucked the killer whale under Spider-man's arm, like a football.  Being a man who loves football and comics, I started to think about which comic characters would be good at what football positions.  If you thought it was ridiculous that I wrote so much about my Fantasy Football teams, then you should probably just skip this blog and tune in later in the week, when I may or may not write about something that actually holds meaning in the real life.

I put together 2 teams- one for Marvel (the Marvel Machine) and one for DC (the DC Stars).  I'll be analyzing each player in their role on the team.  Each squad will also have a head coach and offensive/defensive coordinators.  Please don't tell me this is a waste of time- this is the essence of life, brother!

Here's the starters for the Marvel offense.  All information taken from marvel.com.  All photographs taken from comicvine.com.

Quarterback- Captain America
6'2", 220 lbs

Stevo here might not have the most physical gifts in the Marvel U, but he makes up for it by having one of the few documented throwing arms in comics- and leadership that is off the charts. If I'm down by a touchdown in the fourth quarter, I want someone behind center who can inspire the troops to rise above their circumstances- not to mention someone I know can actually throw a football.

Running back- Black Panther
6', 200 lbs

Black Panther might seem like an upset pick at running back- but with his combination of speed, quickness, agility, and a suit that absorbs the kinetic energy of oncoming tacklers, Black Panther is a great asset to this Machine team.  Besides, anyone could run through the holes that this guy will be opening up...

Fullback- Juggernaut
9'5", 1900 lbs

When somebody's shtick is "Cannot be stopped while moving", you have to find that person a way to run the football.  Think 'Refrigerator Perry' if Perry was an actual refrigerator.  I like Juggernaut at fullback because whether he's toting the ball or just blasting the hole for Black Panther, he's going to be taking defenders to the hospital- probably in black bags, to be put in the hospital refrigerator.  That's what I call the circle of life, friends.

Wide receiver- Nightcrawler
5'9", 161 lbs

Let's forget all about his time in the Munich circus, the natural agility, and the quickness in space.  The dude can teleport.  From here to there, in an instant.  BAMF.  All that other stuff is just icing on the cake- Nightcrawler is a match-up nightmare.  Sure, he has to be able to see where he's going.  But I'm pretty sure that's not going to be an issue on the football field, what with it's tons of open space.  I realize that Nightcrawler doesn't always have that luxury.

Maybe we should run at least a few normal routes.  Just to be safe, ya know?

Wide receiver- Mr. Fantastic
6'1" (variable), 180 lbs

The perfect possession wide receiver.  Think about it- variable height/arm length, so you just throw it up there, and he's going to get it.  The intelligence to find the soft spots in the zone.  Sure, he's probably slow afoot- but you don't need to be Ted Ginn, Jr. when you can just stretch your arms to wherever the ball is.  And you don't need to have Larry Fitzgerald hands when you can just make your paws big enough to swallow the football whole.  Blocking?  How would you break through a wall of silly putty? 

Tight end- Giant Man
6', 185 lbs (variable)

My affinity for versatility betrays itself with this pick.  With his special Pym Particles to help him shrink to ant size or grow to 30+ feet tall, Giant Man can either play the role of third WR or huge, hulking TE- often combining multiple roles on the same play.  Did I mention he's a genius?  Nothing like trying to cover a three-story building that is all of a sudden an insect and then all of a sudden becomes a three-story building again...in the back of the endzone.  With the ball.  In your face.

Tackle- Groot
Very Variable

Who better to protect your quarterbacks blindside than a walking, talking tree who wants to take over the world?  I'm a little worried that he might be a little too stiff legged (zing) but I'm guessing if he gets those big 'ol log-mitts into your shoulder pads at all, you're going to be rooted in place (badumCRASH).  Sorry about the bad jokes- I'm trying to branch out (oh stop it stop it!!!). 

Guard- Volstagg
6'8", 1425 lbs

The guy is on the team if for no other reason than he ensures that the post-game spread is going to be a feast fit for an almost-god.  Of course, there's a good chance he'll devour it before anyone else gets so much as a chicken wing.  But there's more to like about Volstagg than just his traveling catering team.  Weight about as much as an entire normal-human offensive line, Volstagg moves well enough to be able to pull out on sweeps, and get to the second and third levels on run plays. Not sure if he has the endurance to actually do that, but the theory is sound.

Center- Hercules
6'5", 325 lbs

Okay, so maybe a drunken wrestler deity isn't the best choice to be handling the O-line calls.  But the alternative was Mephisto.  Say what you want about Hercules, but no way in hell I'm trusting anything to the god of lies.  No offense, Mephisto.  Besides, Hercs background in wrestling will serve him well in the trenches.  And he just looks so cute there next to those other behemoths!

Guard- Thing
6', 500 lbs

Sort of a no-brainer choice, Thing has the strength and toughness that any team wants with an interior lineman.  I don't know how much he'll be pulling, but I can't think of too many guys I'd want to run a short yardage play behind.

Tackle- Absorbing Man
6'4, 365 lbs (variable)

Quick question- it's not considered holding if you don't technically "grab" the jersey, right?  Because I'm just picturing Absorbing Man getting his hands onto the pads of the guy he's blocking (legally, of course) and just...well, just sort of 'absorbing' his hands onto the opponents jersey.  It's hard to rush the passer when you've suddenly carrying around an extra 365 variable pounds of offensive tackle.

Special Teams:

Kicker/Punter- Bullseye
6', 175 lbs

I'm pretty sure that there are tons of folks in comic books that have super strong legs.  But in a comic book football game, you don't need a strong leg as much as you need a leg that can accomplish what you need it to accomplish every single time.  Field position will be paramount.  Points are of the essence.  So you need a field goal kicker who can make all of his kicks fly true and a punter whose coffin corner punts always hit the sweet spot inside the five.  So naturally, you take a sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy.

Kick/punt returns- Nightcrawler and Juggernaut.  Yo.  The choice is obvious.  

Head coach- Professor Xavier

In addition to being a brilliant tactician and a well-spoken motivator, Xavier can do two things that every football coach should be able to do but that few can.

1) He can read minds.  Even if he decides to not read the minds of the DC players, he'll be able to read the minds of his own.  He'll know which of his players is in the zone, which of his players stayed out partying too late last night, and which of his players just peed his pants. Sure, Cerebro is a little unwieldy to have on the side-lines- but no more unwieldy than say, Andy Reid.


 2) He can make people do what they don't want to do.  It's called mind control, sweet heart, and this ain't for the faint of heart- this is football, dammit!  Black Panther, I know some of those D-Linemen look like they want to literally eat you for lunch, but you will....run....in...thhhhhee....crap, lost the connection.  And my starting running back.

Offensive coordinator- Loki

The DC defense is going to likely be able to match the Marvel offense in physical acumen- so the play calling needs to keep the defense off balance.  Who better to be in charge of setting up the Marvel game plan the the God of Mischief?  I for one would love to see what kinds of trick plays the guy who plots to steal the Odin-power could come up with.  Flea flickers?  Statue of Liberty?  Quintuple reverse?  Ah, you think too small, friends!

Tune in Friday for the Marvel Machines Defense!

(Who) to be or not to be- Superhero Movie Casting: The Top Five!

Well, surprise surprise. I got extremely wordy, and turned what very well should have been a one post blog into a two post blog. For those of you that are reading this, you have stumbled onto virtual treasure. This is my personal ranking of the top five Superhero movie casting jobs...and I don't even have to tell you how epic it is. But I will. It's epic. Ta da!

5) Mystery Men- I have absolutely no knowledge of the comic backstory of Mystery Men, and as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter- this is one of the most perfectly casted superhero movies of all time- kicking off the top five!
High points- Big names- Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, Geoffrey Rush, Greg Kinnear, all slotted into perfect roles. Small names- PeeWee Herman, Wes Studi, Kel Mitchell- again, in the perfect roles. The chemistry in this movie is top notch, the writing is tremendous, and the delivery is second to none. Amazing movie!
Low points- None that I can think of- but I can't put a movie that is borderline-not-even-a-superhero-movie higher than #5 on my list of superhero movie casting jobs.

4) Fantastic Four- In terms of a movie, this obviously was pretty disappointing. But in terms of casting, I think that overall it was very well casted. Fantastic? Well, not quite. But 'Very Well Four' is both grammatically incorrect and non-alliterative, so we'll stick with Fantastic.
High points- Chris Evans, Ioan Gruffudd, and Michael Chiklis could have very well been ripped out of the pages of a Fantastic Four comic book. Chiklis saved the franchise a ton of money by foregoing CGI effects for the Thing. This was accomplished because A) they didn't have to spend all that money on the CGI, and B) they didn't have to use all that much make-up to transform Chiklis into the Thing. Just kidding Mikey, I would hate to be pounded on by those rock fists of yours! Also, Julian McMahon was a great Doctor Doom, and using Lawrence Fishburnes voice as the Silver Surfer took that character to a new level.
Low points- Jessica Alba is hot. Susan Storm is not...at least, she couldn't be if she hooked up with Reed Richards. Character deficits aside, in a realistic reality, there is NO way that an Albaesque Susan Storm chooses Mr. Fantastic over Doctor Doom- especially if Doom looks at all like McMahon does. Plus, in the comics, Doom rules his own country! Hots, smarts, AND political power- this guy has the triple crown! So they either should have got an uglier Susan Storm or an uglier Doctor Doom. I can think of the perfect person for each role-

Hello Ms. Storm, I'm the Lord of Latveria!

Why Ms. Storm, you're blushing? Is it because I am wearing aviators and a Weird Al wig?

3) Iron Man- Michael Jordan and the Bulls. Barry Sanders and the Lions. Atlas and the world. Occasionally there comes along individuals who, merely by their presence and abilities, are able to take groups of others to heights higher than would have been acheivable without those individuals. Well add Robert Downey Jr. to that list- a man who took a 'team' or a 'planet' (in this case, the movie) and took it to a COMPLETELY new level. Downey Jr. as Tony Stark has been a role that has been refined in a lifetime of drinking, carousing, and being arrogant. Downey Jr's life has been culminating for this one role, this one chance to put mortals on his back and ascend them to greatness. And he does not disappoint, taking Iron Man all the way to #3 on my Prestigious List.
High points- Obviously Downey Jr. as the star. Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard, and Jeff Bridges are all like amalgams of John Paxson/Brett Periman/Toni Kukoc/Herman Moore- talents who can't really carry a team on a consistent basis, but are good enough to carry things for short periods of time and hit series-clinching three pointers/catch passes from whoever the Lions quarterback is on that given Sunday.
Low points- Expect Iron Man to fall down the list when Iron Man II comes out, as Don Cheadle replaces Terrence Howard as Rhody. Now, Cheadle is a much better actor than Howard IMO...but again, the classic case of switching a significant character between movies and expecting the audience to go along with it. Eventually, it taints the legacy. It's like Jordan playing for the Wizards, or the Lions eventually swallowing Sanders career- individual greatness will eventually break down and decompose into vintage highlight reel footage and historical footnotes, or else retire on the evening of training camp because it realizes that it is playing for the Lions, which is a black hole to any sort of championship aspirations.

2) X-Men- Keeping with sports analogies...sometimes you have all the components together- great schedule, talent, superior coaching, luck of the bounce/biased officiating. You have everything going for you...and you still lose. Sometimes it's because the other team makes a great play. Last year's Super Bowl was a great example of this. But most of the time it's because someone on your team makes a bonehead move, screwing it up for everybody else, and leaving behind a trail of bitterness and something else. This is the X-Men cast.
High points- As Robert Downey Jr. allowed his life to go down in flames in order to purify himself for the role of Tony Stark, Patrick Stewart was blessed in the womb as the physical incarnation of Professor Xavier. And if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Hugh Jackman was born with retractable adamantium claws, that Ian McKellen really did have control over electro-magnetic fields, and that Halle Berry can make her eyes go solid white. Ray Park made a character named 'Toad' cool, and Rebecca Romijn ensured that every teenage boy in the country owns at least one of the X-men movies. Some other highlights include James Marsden as Cyclops and Kelly Hu as Lady Deathstrike (my fav scene from that movie is when SPOILER Wolverine pumps her full of liquid adamantium, and kills her, and as she realizes that she's dying, she looks at Wolverine with this look of sadness...like she's just realizing that she was trying to kill her soulmate...because if you are familiar at all with the movie or the story, you realize how perfect those two are for each other- sort of a mutant Brangelina).
Low points- A lot, actually. Some of it is minor stuff, but one thing that I've learned about comic books is that there are no minor details. Famke Janssen is a very beautiful lady that just never really sat right as Jean Grey. Anna Paquin was a good Rogue...except that Rogue was a Southern Belle. And don't get me started on Vinnie Jones as Juggernaut. Really? That's it? Not only do you get the Juggernaut story all wrong, but you pick the absolute smallest strong guy you could find? Daniel Cudmore may have looked like Colossus, but he didn't score any points in the Russian accent category. These may seem like little things, but in comic book lore, they are not. These are the accents that make characters unique, that give them substance, that help us to attach to them and embrace them. Unfortunately, X-men undid some of the most perfectly assigned casting jobs in history by marring some minor details. That, and they tried the mid-franchise character switch a couple times (granted, it was just minor characters, but still- who do they think we are?).

And that brings us to the number one Best Superhero Movie Casting Job. Drum roll please....

1) Spider-man- Spider-man put out two great movies, and a third movie that was very disappointing. But just looking strictly at casting, Spider-man takes the cake. They have the most successes in terms of Comic Replication, and the least amount of failures.
High points- Several of the characters in Spider-man looked like they were just ripped out of comic book pages, brought to life, and put onto the silver screen. Tobey Maguire IS Peter Parker. Kirsten Dunst IS Mary Jane Watson. Topher Grace IS Eddie Brock (even though they butchered the whole Venom thing, they nailed his human host). Rosemary Harris IS Aunt May. Thomas Haden Church IS Sandman. They just nailed so many roles, it's ridiculous. They also did good in casting Goblin 1 and Goblin 2 (William Dafoe and James Franco, respectively). But the Robert Horry, the guy that put Spidey over Iron Man and X-men is J.K. Simmons. As J.Jonah Jameson, Simmons took a significant lesser role, and made it a show stealer without upsetting the overall balance of the movie. Not an easy thing to do, but he did it and he did it seemlessly. This guy was ripped out of the BRAINS of the Spider-man creators, put onto the comic page, brought to life, and then put on the silver screen. I'm fully convinced that if Marvel did a movie combing Downey Jrs Tony Stark, Patrick Stewarts Professor X, and Simmons J.J.J., that it would melt the faces of those in attendance due to sheer awesomeness.
Low points- A couple, although they are mostly minor. First of all, while I did grow to love Alfred Molina as Doctor Octopus, it just didn't fit with the comics Doc Oc. Second, Spider-man wasn't dumb enough to try and change characters mid trilogy- but they DID recycle a character...Bruce Campbell! Bruce is the man for those of you who don't know, but it is still an assault on the intelligence of movie-goers everywhere. Maybe in the next Spider-man movie they'll feature Bruce fighting against living skeletons, or else micro-people.

Judging from carbon dating, I'd say that this skeleton is ready for battle!

Well, that completes my ranking of Superhero movie casting jobs! Thanks for tuning in! School starts on Monday, so I'm probably going to be able to blog less periodically...but be sure to keep tuning in because you never know what I'm capable of saying when the mood strikes me! God bless!

Skeleton- http://members.aye.net/~gharris/blog/army15.jpg