Moment of clarity, moment of truth

From now on, do yourself a favor- whenever I make any sort of definitive statement about my life, assume that it's going to change sometime in the near future.  Because over the past year or so I've been railing against my lot in life, and how I was woefully under-employed in my current position and how it was stupid that the only jobs I could find were ones that required a high school diploma when I was a Summa Cum Laude college graduate.

And now, a couple days after the latest interview and waiting to hear back on another potential job (eighth times a charm!), I find myself not knowing whether I really want to move on.

Without trying to paint myself into too much of a corner (lest I get the job offer and decide to take it), I'll say that there are at least a few reasons why I find myself waffling right before this quasi-huge moment that may not actually even come.  Probably some insecurity in there, I'll admit.  But perhaps one of the biggest reasons is that I've come to realize that I really love where I'm at right now.

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened.  But I do know that last week I was going for a walk, contemplating applying for new digs and thinking about the idea of leaving it....and I started to cry.  Not just once- three times, this happened.  I'm not even joking.  Three times brah.  I realized, then and there, that I really, REALLY like what I do.

Plus (and you can call me Little Boy Blue because I'm about to toot my own horn here) I'm really freaking good at it.  I'm definitely the best male aide in the whole school.  This year has given me ample opportunity to step up my game- and let's just say you can consider my game Stepped Up.  We had some (difficult) new students start with very short notice, and a new aide hire quit with even shorter notice.  To say it was very challenging would have been a contender for the understatement of the century.

The thing was- I liked it.  I think it made me sort of retreat into this "survival" mode, quit kvetching about what lost opportunities were out there, roll up my sleeves and get in there to make it happen.  And make it happen we have.  Because as awesome as I am, I also happen to work with tremendous people who work just as hard along side of me.  I'm not just an asset being stockpiled for the slow days- I'm an integral part of a well-oiled machine.  And that's pretty freaking sweet.

To suavely point out the elephant in the room, I'm not so naive to think that having my kids going to school in the same building I'm working in plays a minor role.  I love working in the same place my children do.  Do I love seeing my kids randomly passing in the halls and being able to stop in their rooms on break and getting the chance to interact with their teachers in the lounge?  Pardon the French, but you bet your ass I do.  It may be the frosting on top of the Last Cake Standing- but it's frosting that you'd scale a donut mountain that was riding a skateboard for.

Oh, and also, you're Marge Simpson

While it may sound like a slam dunk to stay, it certainly isn't- we aren't exactly in a place where I can afford to be romantic with my occupational decisions.  Money isn't the only thing- but it's A thing, and unfortunately for us, right now it's a pretty important thing.  The new job would increase our income by about 200%, and more importantly it would be the same level of income in the summer months.   I've worked in schools the last couple of years, and have found out the hard way that money doesn't just grow on trees.

But you know what?  I realized that if the school would let me, I'd clean toilets over the summer to stay where I'm at.  

On second thought, 200% is a lotta dough...

The other thing is that I'm not merely making another hopscotch step on my resume, but rather trying to have the next step be THE step- the Rasheed Wallace to my Ted Mosby if you will.  One thing my interview for New Job made pretty apparent to me is that the Professional World is very, very scary.  Yet, it's what I spent over $30,000 to try and learn how to conquer, and as much as I may love what I'm doing now, eventually I'm either going to have to come to grips with the fact that I've failed to live up to my education or come up with some really, really good excuses for doing so.




If I was to leave, it would be perfect timing.  Next week, half of our classroom population will be moving over to a different building for the re-institution of a middle school Functional Skills program.  I'd have a week to help set up the classroom for the rest of the year.  Of course, all of this is assuming that New Job offers me a position- which, as I painfully found out this summer is never, ever a slam dunk.  All these thoughts are just me trying to be prepared for that second in time when the moment of clarity intersects with the moment of truth and I have a decision to make.

Right now, I'm not sure I'm ready.  Right now, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

PICS-
Cake- http://shewalks.blogspot.com/2011/03/ugliest-hair-on-television.html
Toilet- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCjVnKW1BGcXxpAUvJldt-MoQLj5ouRlVieP6e3QREUIJ5yLjzcERCaBnbAiqXzmR_JextTxHor_E6QX_L93Dzt6MmN0347Z5CiAre9uPe6Fc0sf7GeLCX8gqC0pBkDd7Te2mf3UT0kqbC/s1600/dirty_toilet_001.jpg