YWL: Season 1, Week 3

Hit Guys With Chair is next week!  In the meantime, some week 3- recap.

But first, a little clarifier- In my last post, I mentioned the 'quick' setting a couple of times.  Allow me to 'splain.  There are three settings to the simulated matches- quick, normal, and epic.  I do 'quick' for the regular matches because time is a finite resource and I am pretty sure that using it to watch video game wrestling (and then writing about it) is possibly not the best use of that time.

WCW:

Darth Maul vs Super Mario
Confession- I eschewed the easy road for the Mario entrance song and gave him Ebola in Memphis, a mash-up tune that I found on a website that most likely had some connection to the mafia.  In some ways, it's really out of place with the whole Mario persona- but the music goes really well with his entrance, so I kept it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you.

In terms of the actual match, it was an orgy of Sith punishment.  Maul spent the whole match kicking and punching and jumping and kicking and jumping and punching and in the end, it was just too much for poor 'ol Mario.

AJ Lee and Bella Da Ball (kidding- just one of the Bella's) vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
In perhaps the cruelest sense of irony, the first repeat match and the clearest form of feud development is occurring between a group of Divas wrestlers that are not united by any sort of team harmony, mutual animosity, or pursuit of a championship. 

Why couldn't this have been Avengers/Sith?  Or Avengers/Team CoBro?  Shoot, I'd even watch the Avengers take on the Bella Twins- I just want to see tag team matchups that involve actual tag teams.  Is that too much to ask??? 

Thankfully, Eve made AJ tap so quickly in this match that I barely had time to think the preceding thoughts.  Still, there's a very good chance that I'm going to see some variation of this stinker over the next couple of weeks- and maybe even (gulp) beyond.

Arnold vs Barack Obama
A little follow up from the tag team match on last weeks NXT.  Nice save, bookerman. 

Regardless of political persuasion, I hope that you can appreciate the brilliance of including Barack Obama in this league.  Not that I'm the first (or only) person to have done it- but everyone that does it is a genius. 

After a pretty even start, things took a turn for the worse for the Governator when he inexplicably got out of the ring to set up the announcing table for...well, for what, I don't know.  What I do know is that this was the part of the show where Barack unleashed his underrated rope game and launched an aerial assault that can only be described as a Air Force One, Fox Three.

But then, just when you thought that Arnold was purposefully throwing the match- he choke-slammed Obama through the announcers table.  Plus, and this is crucial- he threw Barack Obama through a table!  Woah!!!  That's awesome!!!You can't tell me that doesn't make your little liberal heart smile at least a little bit.

If not, then this should do the trick

If I decide to name a 'Match of the Year', this will certainly be in the conversation.  Obama nailed three of his finishers (The FiliBUSTer) on Arnold, but in an overly-zealous-and-ridiculously-blatant fourth-wall reference to bureaucratic inefficiency, he (and by 'he', I mean 'I') attempted to pin Arnold within reach of the ropes all three times, which allowed Arnold to kick out and continue the match.  Finally, after miraculously escaping from a colossal clutch, Obama rolled him up for the three count to put the finishing touches on one of the best matches I've ever seen- real or otherwise.

Who said that big government never gave us anything?

Captain America and Darth Vader vs Red Hulk and Strong Bad
Wait- whaaaaaat???

I don't get it either, Random Dorky Glasses Guy

Let's pause to honor this historic moment in Youshouldknowjasonparks history- my first-ever use of a  GIF!!!!  Although I probably could..have...used a...better.....one.    

So apparently my idea of a master feud between the Sith and the Avengers was aborted so that Darth Maul could fight...Super Mario and Darth Vader could team up with....Captain America to....um, fight against....Strong Bad and Red Hulk?????

There.  That's better.

Seriously, if some of my more wrestling-knowledgeable friends could explain why a face and a heel who are already on teams would team up against two heels that they aren't actually rivals with, I'd greatly appreciate it and probably even cite my sources.

It's not that I'm against randomness- I champion randomness.  That was one of my whole reasons for doing the YWL in the first place.  But in the context of wrestling feud development....well, I don't know enough yet to ascertain the meaning of these random matches and the overbooking of the Divas has me less than convinced that the computer GM knows what the heck it's doing.

Regardless of why this match took place, it was definitely a quickie.  Vader/America did a great job controlling tempo and keeping Strong Bad out of the match (although Strong Bad may not have tried very hard to get into the same ring as the Super Soldier and Emperor Palpatine's attack dog).

Carnage vs. Rorschach (accompanied by Skeletor)
As this card has progressed, it has gotten more and more bizarre and I'm trying to wrap my head around whether I like it or whether I wish things were more linear.

Why is Rorschach aligning himself with Skeletor?  I thought he was all about no compromise- yet here he is aligning himself with not only a villain- but arguably one of the most notorious villains of all time (or at least 1980s cartoons).  Look, I read The Watchmen.  I know about how Rorschach butchered a kidnapper/murderer in the comics.  So how can I watch him possibly join forces with the despot who would do this?  And this?  And that?  And even this?

And then- they even did a seemingly joyous double high five right before the match!?!?!?!  WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE??????

Maybe Skeletor has turned face?  It's hard to read his, um, face (it is a skull, after all), but after the match he seemed to show genuine empathy towards Rorschach as he raised his hand in the air in victory (Oh yeah...the match.  Um, Rorschach won) with the tenderest of care, as Rorschach favored his bruised and battered ribs.  What's even weirder is that Rorschach is Level 4-rivals with Arnold, a member of Skeletor's stable, the Nexus!!!

What could this possibly mean???  Gah- I can't talk about it anymore, it's giving me a headache.

Raw is War...spelled backwards:

Godfather vs The Rock
For the first time this season, I chose not to play as the Rock.  Not because I wanted him to lose- far from it!  It's just that....well, Rock hasn't dropped The People's Elbow since....well, at least since the Wrestlemania that must have preceded the start of my WWE Universe mode.  I need to see if it's just me or if the Rock has some legitimate psychological issues going on regarding that move.

Despite picking up the victory over the Godfather (and building up two Finishers), The Rock did not execute a successful People's Elbow.  He didn't even attempt it.  One match isn't enough to call it a trend, but still- is there a crisis hotline for video game wrestlers?

Niko Bellic vs Ezio (Table match)
Ezio makes his YWL debut.  All I can say is it's about freaking time.  I once almost started a blog about the life and times of Ezio, so to say I'm excited is an understatement.  Ezio is the freaking man.  Plus, this match is between the protagonists from two of my favorite open world games ever- and it involves tables!!!

As expected, Ezio controlled the early part with a brilliant understanding of pacing...and punching.  In a regular match he probably would have won easily.  But it's not a regular match, and as things went on, Niko demonstrated the cool under pressure that you would expect from a guy who casually strolls down the street like this.

Despite putting himself through a table (twice), Niko wound up with the victory when he put Ezio through the announcing table.  Huh.  I didn't realize that would count as a table.  I guess you learn something new every day. 

Delaney vs Layla
Confession- for a split second I was thinking that 'Lola' would be a great theme song for Layla.  Then I realized that I was confusing 'Lola' with 'Layla', which is also a song about a woman...just in a different way.  But wouldn't that be awesome- to have a women's wrestler with 'Lola' as their entrance song?  Talk about your all-time swerves.

And Delaney gets the win via submission. 

CM Punk vs Triple H vs Randy Orton
There's a lot of gold here- CM Punk holds the Intercontinental title, and Triple H's quest for title #3 to complete the Triple Crown has been well documented (by which I mean I wrote a little blurb about it in a much bigger piece and am now shamelessly linking to that piece in order to artificially inflate my post count).

When I was deciding how to break down my rosters and which real wrestlers to include, CM Punk and Triple H were pretty much shoe-ins.  I totally could have gone either way on Randy Orton.  I don't know why- Orton has just never captured my imagination the way others have.  Keep in mind that I grew up with the WWF of the 1980s, and characters like Hulk Hogan, Jake the Snake, Macho Man, Ravishing Rick Rude, and the Million Dollar Man.  So while in-ring ability can certainly grab my attention, there's something to be said about the big personality that I look for- and Orton just don't have it.

So if I don't care for Orton all that much, why include him?  Let's take a systematic look at a list of pros and cons, shall we?

Case for Randy Orton:
-Apex predator thing: Randy Orton is called 'The Apex Predator' and can sometimes be seen impersonating a snake.  Snakes are cool.  Therefore, the logical conclusion is that Randy Orton is confused probably in need of some counseling an actual snake cool.
-Tattoo sleeves: Within the last few years, Randy Orton beefed up his tattoo repertoire by getting some sleeves to augment his collection of tribal tats.  Some people aren't big fans, but I think it looks sort of sweet.  It's like he's wearing an inverse t-shirt all the time.  
-Neat-enough finisher: The RKO comes in at #11 on the Top 50 WWE finishers of all time video that I just watched.  It's not my favorite, but it's sort of cool.  I guess.

Case against Randy Orton:
-Lame song: It should be noted that I haven't watched any actual matches since 2012, so it's possible that Randy Orton changed his entry music.  If not though....ugh.  Bill Simmons gave a pretty good description of what makes entrance music 'pop'- and this song, to me, has zero pop.  There's no real high points...or even super low points.  It just...is.  The lyrics talk about hearing voices in your head, and while I'm no music historian, I'm sure that there are waaaaaay cooler songs that talk about being crazy.
-No real personality: As mentioned, I grew up with 1980s wrestling, where we were all marks and a cool gimmick was way more important than cool wrestling moves.  Times have changed and I've changed- but I'm still way more into guys that have personalities.  CM Punk, Rock, Stone Cold, DX- perfect examples of dudes that have personalities that compliment their in-ring prowess.  I haven't followed a ton of the WWE over the last several years, but I've seen enough of Randy Orton to know that he's less interesting than washing dishes.
-Sort of an ugly dude:  Nothing more that I can say about him than this:

Wait a second...that's not him.

Nope.

Enough about that- my issues with Randy aside, this is a potentially historical match.  I mean, even Chris Jericho bought a ticket for a front row seat.  Clearly then, in order to piggyback on to history, I had to man the controls of one of these wrestlers.  And even clearlier, I had to man the controls- of the Tripster.

When I look back years down the road and write the memoirs of the YWL's early days, I will look back on this match as the "Dont' Call It A Comeback (but actually you can call it a comeback)" match.  Certain wrestlers have a "comeback" ability, and each of these guys is on that list.  Basically a comeback allows to kick some a** after you've spent the previous few minutes getting your own a** kicked.

Between the comebacks and all the post-signature chairs-to-the-face  maneuvers, this match definitely had some dynamic ebb and flow going on.  3H finally won after smashing Orton with the steel steps and pinning him while CM Punk just sort of pranced by in the background.  Following the match, Road Dogg came in for the congrats and I was giddy like a school girl.

I was actually going to put a picture of a giddy school girl here, but I thought you should know that this came up on Google under the search for 'giddy school girl'.  Not even that far down the page, either.

New Age Outlaws vs Brothers of Destruction (#1 contenders for the tag team title)
I imagine that the Undertakers entrance is probably amazing in a live setting.  The lights go down, the bell tolls, the purple smoke goes up- it's gotta be magical.  On WWE 13 though...well, it's sort of tough to sit through because there's not a lot going on.  There's this sort of mildly creepy/mid-tempo song and OH MY GOSH THE UNDERTAKER STILL HASN'T MADE IT TO THE RING YET.  It's starting to get to the point where I seriously consider just skipping the whole thing.

What Undertaker does better than anybody, though, is the in-ring extracurriculars.  The throat slit, the coffin pin, the hat removal, the eyes in the back of his head, the Gene Simmons- I remember him when he first came into the WWE as this other-worldly demigod who was powered by a magical cookie jar or whatever.  20+ years later, and he's still rocking it. 

I'm not sure if it's just because we're getting closer to the PPV, but I feel like the matches are getting more epic, even on the quick setting.  For a #1 contenders match, this was everything you'd want from the possible future tag team champs.

Oh yeah, this sort of happened after the match...Kane started kicking Undertaker as he lay on the ground and then Billy Gunn brought up a couple of chairs and they proceeded to hit the Undertaker with the chairs and OH MY GOSH, HIT GUYS WITH CHAIRS IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!!  What a great accidental promo!  What a crazy swerve!  What an awesome game!

NXT results:
Chris Jericho defeats Shawn Michaels (vis submission)
Triple H defeats Godfather
Arnold defeats Barack Obama (revenge from Monday Nitro match)
Colbert defeated Tebow.  After the match, Scorpion came out to try and cheap shot Tebow (not sure why), but Colbert came to Tebow's defense.
Raphael defeated Rey Mysterio

Rankings:
Are the Sith making their move towards championship relevance?  Vader jumped to #6 from #30 and Maul from #31 to #12.  I'm skeptical though- we'll have to see how they're utilized next week to know if they're really getting a push or not.  Over in Raw, Brothers of Destruction jumped from #4 to #2 in tag team division, although the fall-out from their last match will be interesting.  As of right now, according to the Superstar profiles, Kane is still Undertaker's Level 5 ally.  And in a bit of trivia, Sheriff Rick Grimes is a Level 3 rival.  You know what they say- keep your back-stabbing friends close and your vague enemies sort of far away. 

YWL: Season 1, Week 2

Well, no one has written me hate mail or unfriended me on Facebook.  I'm going to consider week 1's recap a rousing success!  But this is not that.  This is week 2.

WCW:

Kharma vs Random Bella Twin
I almost didn't put 'vs' in the matchup field.  'Vs' implies that there was some sort of competition, a meeting of two (or more) parties where everybody had at least some chance of victory.  That's not what happened here.  At all.  Kharma won this one with ludicrous decisiveness.  Shoot, she could have got more resistance from a blind, crippled child than she did from whatever Bella Twin she engaged with here.

In fairness to proper noun  Bella, I wouldn't have wanted to get in the ring with Kharma.  Even before this match, Kharma was very highly ranked on the list of Women I'm Afraid Of.  It's actually a shorter list than you might suspect.  Here's the top five: 
1) My wife when she gives me "The Look" (think Blue Steel meets all of the Saw movies)
2) Kharma
3) Lady Gaga sans makeup
4) Any woman that could beat me up 
5) This scary lady

AJ Lee and Presumably the Other Bella Twin vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
All of the websites I've visited have said in order to make Universe mode work the best in terms of developing storylines, you have to keep the matches as presented and actually watch them (instead of just simulating).  This process has met with mixed reviews thus far.  I've gotten some freaking gold at times (Sith vs. Avengers, Michael Jackson vs. Tim Tebow); however, I also got stuck with this.

Nothing against female wrestlers- but when I have a card featuring the Justice League vs the Watchmen, Captain America vs Strong Bad, and a Triple Threat match between Skeletor, Red Hulk, and Iron Man...well, an extremely random tag team match in the Divas division is really not the kind of match I want to see.  Actually this is the type of match that no one wants to see.  Even the WNBA would change the channel if this came on.

Fortunately I was able to real-wrestle my son during this time, which made the process (slightly) less painful.

Justice League vs Watchmen
With a booking of the gritty, ultra-dark, anti-heroic Watchmen against the champions of the 1950s comic code, it was not surprising in the least that this match devolved into an epic all-over-the-arena backyard brawl.  Besides, when Rorschach is the moral compass of your team, things are bound to get a little underhanded.  And for one night, at least, the low-blow antics paid off as the Watchmen scored a huge upset against the Justice League, with Dr. Manhattan securing the pin against the Batman.

For a simulated 'quick' match, it was wicked intense.  I 100% endorse a future 'No Disqualification' rematch between these two DC dyads.

Captain America vs Strong Bad
OH MY GOSH- Homestarrunner just came up behind Strong Bad during his entrance, slammed his head onto the metal stairs, and threw him into the ring!  Strong Bad probably just got a concussion!  Holy crap!!!

Alas, it is nowhere near as cool as it could be.  And until I can figure out how to simulate the voice of every single wrestler, this will continue to be the status quo.  Man, I totally wish I could pull off a mock-Strong Bad/Mean Gene 1980s promo to address the cheap shot and Strong Bad, like, challenges Homestar to a flaming watering can match...or something.  Gah!  That's be awesome!!!  

Skeletor vs Red Hulk vs Iron Man
Obviously, by sheer booking alone this match had "Epic-ocity" written all over it.  But when Skeletor and Iron man teamed up on the 'ol "Crouching Behind Someone And Pushing The Person Over The Crouched Person" move to Red Hulk- well that took it so far in the stratosphere that NASA was notified.  It reminded me so much of middle school, only instead of some voice-cracking/acne ridden/tent-pitching kid getting pushed over, it's the 7', 1200 pound, highly skilled combatant/master strategist with incredible levels of superhuman physical strength, stamina and durability who becomes hotter as he grows angrier, leaves huge amounts of residual radiation, and is nearly invulnerable to physical damage.

Basically the same

After Skeletor won the match, Kharma came down the ramp to congratulate Skeletor and escort him back to the dressing room.

I didn't even try to find out what happened after that.

Raw is war:

In other news, I checked and sure enough there is not enough space to do add "...spelled Backwards" to this leagues' name.  I am seriously bummed.   

Delaney vs Natalya
Delaney the wrestler, who it could be argued came upon her Women's title and 100 rating due to some some good, old-fashioned nepotism, was controlled by Delaney the real kid and won her first match in the YWL.  Unfortunately for Natalya (who I had to control to make sure that Delaney won), her third loss in as many matches has likely buried her deeper than the Mariana Trench at this point.

I don't know if this is a sign that I'm playing the game too much (Sara's note: Um, absofreakinglutely you are), but I'm starting to reach the point that I am not sure how much longer I can purposefully keep losing to the kids.  I mean, had my signature/finisher combo unlocked and was working on a second almost before Delaney could even get a good shot at me.  Eventually I'm just going to have to unleash the Five-knuckle shuffle and deal with the consequences.  

Consider yourselves warned, kids

Brothers of Destruction (Kane and the Undertaker) vs The Living Legends (Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee)

The only thing you need to know about this match is that the Legends won because Bruce Lee made the Undertaker tap out.  I will now allow you to utilize the powers of your imagination to fill in the gaps whilst you ruminate on the awesomeness that is Bruce Lee.

Also, it just hit me that I'm giving the names of my tag teams and not necessarily giving you the names of the wrestlers in those tag teams.  Oops.  My bad.  Except it isn't my bad.  As the Road Dogg so passionately (and persuasively) argued, in instances where intent or information was not clearly conveyed, the burden of inquisition is on you.

Niko Bellic vs Beavis vs Captain Planet
This match right here, this embodies the heart of what I want the YWL to be all about- a couple of 1990s cartoon characters squaring off against the protagonist of a 2009 video game.  It's a reminder that "Hey.  It's okay to dream.  It's okay to dream crazy.  And it's even okayer to write about those crazy dreams on your blog".  And I want to dream crazy big. My kindred spirits over at M4gnation, for example, also run a crazy wrestling league with ridiculous rosters.  They also have Captain Planet.  Except their Captain Planet has also undergone a heel turn and emerged as Captain Pollution.  That's what I want YWL to become- this sort of beautiful virtual cesspool of over-the-toppities and other variations of shenaniganisms.

The match itself was somewhat nondescript.  That is, until I went into the kitchen to grab some waffle fries and came back to Niko lying in the center of the ring, Beavis stumbling around like a concussed drunk outside of the ring, and Captain Planet climbing over the top rope to exit the ring.  Not sure what exactly happened, but I watched with horrified amusement as Niko continued to just lay there for like five minutes while Captain Planet actually entered and exited the ring at least three times to go continue to pound on Beavis.  It was borderline demented watching Beavis just become more and more stupefied while Captain Planet ignored numerous opportunities to pin Bellic for the win in exchange for more chances to pummel the Great Cornholio.

Eventually Planet did just throw him into the ring and pin him for the victory...but after witnessing the cold-hearted let-him-have-it-ing that he was dishing out, perhaps a heel turn may be closer than I originally thought.

Road Dogg vs Triple H
I'm just going to say that the D-Generation X song is probably my favorite wrestling based song ever.  No, seriously, that's all I'm going to say about it. 

For reasons unknown, this was a cage match to determine the #1 contender for the Intercontinental.  Understand that at this point, Triple H already holds two of the three available titles- there is no reason for him to be shooting for the Triple Crown.  It's selfish.  Real life Triple H gets a lot of real life heat for burying up-and-comers- but at least he hasn't tried to hog all of the titles at the same time.

That said, I went ahead and played this game as Triple H.  Because the thought of the D-X stable holding all of the titles (did I mention that I'm a member of D-X?) gave me a nerdgasm.  However, let me tell you that playing a cage match on the 'quick' setting is pretty much a disaster.  The computer will punch you into a corner and then start climbing up the wall immediately.  And as a result, Road Dogg won and I lost.  I hate this stupid game.

But then Trips gave 'Dogg the losers "Good-game Hand Raise", which may have welcomed the Road Dogg into the DX fold and stole my heart in one fell swoop.  Oh, that Triple H.  What a wrestling mastermind! 

Rey Mysterio vs The Rock
After last weeks embarassing loss to the Godfather, the Rock resumed his place in the wrestling hierarchy by scoring a decisive victory over Rey Mysterio.  But his victory here served merely to mask a potentially devestating issue that could rear it's ugly head at some point in the future- Rock's inability to successfully attempt the People's Elbow.  (I'm not going to mention how I've controlled him for both of his matches so far).  It's still early in the season, but there's enough evidence to suggest that something may be amiss. 

NXT results:
Hold on, hold on, HOLD on.  NXT, what are you trying to do?  Did you just try to pass off Darth Maul vs Darth Vader as a match?  WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?????  I don't know if there's some greater plan here, but I'm totally changing taking the reigns on this one.  Just last week I was dreaming about Avengers vs Sith for the next couple months...now you're trying to make the Sith go all Rockers on us?  No.  EFF.  No.

Venom defeats Darth Vader via submission
(mumble) Bella defeats Beth Phoenix- huge upset.
Tim Tebow and Arnold defeat Red Hulk and Barrack Obama.  Governator and Tebow Time had great in-ring chemistry.  Might put them on a team called The Conservatives.  Or the Republican Party.
Kane destroyed defeated Road Dogg.  Highlight is when Kane did the DX crotch chop.
Strong Bad beat Iron Man

End of the week rankings jumps:
Dr. Manhattan, on the strength of his personal pinning of Batman, jumped from #25 to #8 in the WCW World Heavyweight title.  Nothing really in the Raw side, probably because there are more established (read: real) wrestlers that the computer GM knows how to properly rank.

Champions are the same as last week.  I suppose they likely will be until my first Pay-per-view (PPV), Hit Guys With Chairs, which is just two weeks away!  Set your TiVos, folks!

YWL: Season 1, Week 1

These are the highlights of Week 1.  Let's see how this goes, shall we?  Victor is in bold.   

WCW:

Michael Jackson vs Tim Tebow. I don't know if this is going to be a feud or like a wrestling one-night stand. You know, like a 'Hey, I wrestle. You wrestle. We both need a match. Why don't we just wrestle each other?'-type of hook up. It'd be a cool feud though. Nay, it would be a HIStorical feud.  Get it?  HIStorical?  Because Michael Jackson has a CD named HIStory...and their feud would be historohnevermind 
 
In the end, Michael Jackson defeated God's H-back via submission.  Yes, you read that correctly. 

This guy...

...made this guy tap out.  Who says video game wrestling isn't real?

Empire (Of Pain) vs Avengers
If this doesn't become a full-blown feud, then gosh darn it I'm going to make it one.  Let us count the reasons why: 
1) It's a tag team of freaking Sith Lords and they come into the ring to the Imperial march, which is only one of the baddest assest pieces of film score ever.
2) It's a tag team of the freaking Avengers, or at least the cool ones.
3) It's freaking destined to be.

So....that's like 3 reasons why.  But that's like, 300% more reasons than I have for most of the things that I do.

These tag team entrances are the greatest thing ever, if I do say so myself.  As mentioned, you have the two coolest Sith Lords ever, Imperially marching up the aisles to a raining cascade of kayfabe boos while the Avengers come out with Captain America riding in a jeep and waving the American flag while exhorting the crowd to stand up and get their 'Americuh' on.   

Pictured: Getting your 'Americuh' on

Shane and I played against each other for this match, so whoever he picked was going to win.  But even though the Avengers have to win in the end (it's in the wrestling by-laws), my hope is that the Empire (Of Pain) will be able to assert themselves as a dominant heel force in the Tag Team division.

Beth Phoenix vs One of the Bella twins
A couple of real wrestlers, albeit female ones.  Not that females can't be real wrestlers, I just...(shutting up).  Really the only reason that I kept any of the Divas (WWE's word, not mine) is because Delaney made her own wrestler and the game won't let girls and guys come to blows in the ring.

If I can wax a bit serious here- I'm not sure what to think about the whole 'women wrestler' thing.  I feel like if it were to be done correctly, it could be empoweringish to women, but in its current state it seems to go about as far as you can in the opposite direction.  That is, they give the girls just enough time to trot out in their skimpy outfits and do their sultry dances for the hornball male viewers and maybe even do a wrestling move or two before getting shuffled off to the back to look pretty in cheesy skits.

Nonetheless, I'm okay with letting Delaney use her created wrestler (for future reference, a CAW) to wrestle some matches in this game.  I do think there is some value in trying to ingrain in her early on that, short of peeing while standing and refusing to ask for directions, there aren't many things that men should have sole propriety over.

Rorschach vs Carnage
This match ended in a draw, thanks to some interference by the Red Hulk, who came hauling out from backstage to deliver a pair of One-handed Spinebusters to the incognizant heroes.

I absolutely love interfering on this game.  With the simple push of the triangle button, you have a Hammy-on-steroids-laced-caffeine way to start a feud or give a desired feud a HUGE boost.  Interference also seems to help wrestlers to quickly climb the championship ranking system.  For example, Rorschach, who in our match today played the part of someone getting spinebusted, actually climbed 26 spots on the WCW Heavyweight belt list.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow dropped 5 spots.  Although he did lose to a guy who couldn't even out-agonistic Paul McCartney. 

The moral of the story, kids?  There is more honor in getting cheap-shotted by the Red Hulk than there is in being forced to submit to the guy who had sleepovers with Kevin McCallister.

Hulk vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is one of the only real wrestlers in my WCW.  I don't know if it's because he was a member of the Spirit Squad and I'm just overly sympathetic or because of his marvelous hair- but I love this guy.  Plus he stands on his head in the ring- during matches!  I've heard him called a modern day Mr. perfect, and that's a very apt description.  A consummate heel and one of my favorite modern-day wrestlers.

Oh, and did I mention that Super Mario came out about half-way through the match like he was going to team up with the Hulk and then he just NAILED THE HULK RIGHT IN THE GUT!!!  Sort of random, but I'm sort of excited about the potential here.

And after Ziggler finally pinned the Hulk (after two near falls- great, great match), Thor came out to the entrance ramp and intimidatingly stared at Ziggler.  That's why you shouldn't mess with the Avengers...because they will avenge their friends with intimidating stares from across a crowded arena.


Raw is War:

Job Squad vs. New Age Outlaws

Raw is War (seriously thinking about adding a "...spelled backwards" to the title.  Hopefully the system lets me) has many more "real" wrestlers than WCW does, although there's still several created characters in order to keep mine/the kids' interest.  The Job Squad is a team of those guys.  Made up of Homestarrunner and Beavis, they aren't going to winning many titles...or even many matches.  They're just there to rid in on a bike and make the kids chuckle.

Despite their low standing in the company, the Job Squad put up a heck of a fight against one of the better tag teams in the game.  Actually, Beavis did most of the wrestling- I'm not actually sure where Homestarrunner was. 

Lita vs Natalya-
Natalya is exhibit A of the misuse and borderline discrimination by the WWE against the women's wrestlers (really, I'm surprised they couldn't find a more degrading term than "Divas").  A very talented wrestler with a tremendous family pedigree...and yet as recently as last year (maybe more recently, I haven't been paying attention) she was starring in  flatulence spots.  Props to her for making the best of the situation...but I can't imagine a more degrading situation they could have put her in.

Enough about that- back to the YWL.  Lita basically slammed her foe through the barricade and won via countout.    

Raphael vs Rey Mysterio
In a perfect world with more than 50 CAW slots, I would have downloaded all of the Ninja Turtles AND Casey Jones and made them into the most unstoppable stable that wrestling has ever seen.  Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to devote 1/10th of my slots to the TMNT squad- not when I had to save spots for Willie Wonka and Spongebob.  So alas, I had to settle for Raph (my all-time favorite Turtle) with variant costumes of his pizza pals.

As for the match?  Oh.  Well, Rey won.  The highlight though was when Mysterio got up on the top ropes in an attempt to Rope Flip Raph- and ended up completely whiffing on it.  Basically it looked like he tried to do a purposeful cannonball onto the concrete floor.  Nonetheless, he survived that mistake (and Raph's early assaults) to win by pinfall.

Godfather versus The Rock
My initial goal for the YWL was to have as few real life wrestlers as possible, and even fewer matches between real wrestlers.  But I'm purposefully staying with the match cards that the CPU gives me, in hopes that there is sweet payoff down the road.

Godfather won even though I was playing as the Rock.  I was only playing because I wanted to show the kids the People's Elbow...but I ended up doing the Rock Bottom instead.  I'm so sorry children.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
As of press time, D-X OWNS Raw Is War.  They hold the Tag Team AND World Heavyweight championships.  Coincidentally, I happen to be a member of D-X.  Whoah, that's weird.  How did that happen?

Triple H is the aforementioned World Heavyweight champion.  Randy Orton is one of the top-five contenders for said championship.  So imagine my surprise when Shane O'Mac came out and leveled both guys.  That's about thirty levels of WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED THERE, WWE 13????

First of all, I spent a good amount of time going through and making sure that all of the "inactive" wrestlers didn't have any allies or rivals that were active PRECISELY to avoid this sort of thing.  I didn't download close to 50 comic characters, pop-culture figures, and politicians so that I could watch Vince McMahon's goofy kid come between The Game and The Apex Predator.

Second of all, this.

That concludes the synopses of my main shows.  As part of my schedule, there's also a weekly show called "NXT".  It's basically like a bonus show to help feuds progress and give other wrestlers a chance at the screen...I guess?  So I don't know how I'll approach writing about this show.  At this time, I'll be just documenting the results.  Why?  I don't know.

NXT results:
The Governator defeats Venom
Edward Cullen defeats Homestar
Lita defeats Natalya (again)
Darth Vader defeats Michael Jackson (Potential feud alert- Darth went to give him the 'ol "Good game" hand shake post-match and Michael Jackson slapped it away)
Spider-man defeats Ronald McDonald and Sponge-bob (Spidey did the 'Hey man, great game' hand-raise to Ronald McDonald)

End of the week ranking jumps
The Red Hulk/Carnage/Rorschach interference match paid immediate dividends.  Carnage is now the #2 contender for the WCW Heavyweight title/European championships.  Rorschach jumped from #29 to #3- just for getting jumped!  Red Hulk, meanwhile, went from bottom feeding at #32 to the #5 contender slot. 

On the Raw Is War side, Homestarrunner jumped to #15 in the Heavyweight Championship race (from #32) despite being largely a spectator in The Job Squad's loss to The New Age Outlaws.  I smell a premature push.  The Job Squad did move up five spots to #5 in the Tag Team rankings, although if you think that there's any chance that they get past the Outlaws, the Brothers of Destruction (link), AND the Road Warriors...then I only got TWO. WORDS. FOR YA.

Un likely?

Here's my current champions in each league:

WCW:
WCW Heavyweight Championship- Skeletor
European Championship- Sting
World Tag Team Championship- The Justice League
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix

Raw Is War:
World Heavyweight Championship- Triple H
Intercontinental Championship- CM Punk
Tag Team Championship- D-Generation X
World's Championship- Delaney

Until next week fellows!

IF YOU SMELL....WHAT YOUSHOULDKNOWJASONPARKS IS COOKIN'

How do you write a blog about a video game based on a fake sport?  I have no idea.  I had no idea when I said that I was going to do it, and I have less of an idea now.  Well, perhaps that is only half true.  But with 60+ wrestlers to keep track of, and lacking the stable structure that other, realer sports have, and the emphasis on virtual story-telling- let's just say that this is going to be a little trial and error here in the beginning.  Best case scenario, I create this on-going/self-sustaining mecca of laughs that blows the competition out of the water.  Worst case scenario?  It's another thing that I've said that I'll do that I don't end up doing.   So unless you're a fan of quality/meaningful work, this is going to be a win/win.

Did I just use the 'ol '/' move three times in that paragraph?  Awesome.  Just call me Slash.

SLASH!!!

Back to brass tacks- lets start to pin down what this thing is.  And what it is, is the Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League.  Yes, I really for real am calling it that- although you can call it the YWL for short.  But this name thing is happening.  It is SO happening.  I've already looked into the trademark. 

I've divided my league into 2 separate, smaller leagues.  It's very similar to when the AFL and NFL were separate entities and would meet annually to have a huge championship fiesta.  Except that I will have monthly "Super Bowls" (Pay-per-views), each resulting in multiple championship fiestas and also Joe Namath comes into the Packers huddle and smacks Bart Starr in the face with a folding chair.

(And now I wish that downloaded a Joe Namath create-a-wrestler)

SLASH!!!

The two leagues (and if I can just say that the customizability of WWE 13's Universe mode- basically the "career" mode of other sports games- is nothing short of funtastic) are WCW and Raw Is War.  Not that you necessarily care about that, but at least you'll know when I start throwing those names around.

At this point my goal is to write weekly about my little corner of the universe.  Maybe profile a wrestler each week.  Give an update on championship rankings.  And we'll see what else.  I really do think that this could end up being very fun (for me), and hopefully at least a little tolerable for you.

SLASH!!!

The Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League

For about the last week, I have been immersed in WWE '13 right up to the point of what some might consider to be absurd.  Sara would probably disagree with that assessment. 

If you're in the 'what-in-the-world-is-he-talking-about' crowd, lemme bring you up to speed.  WWE 13 is the latest installment of the pro wrestling video game series.  I'm not a consistent fan of wrestling, but I am a huge fan of fun, and wrestling is fun.  Video games are funner.  Wrestling video games are even funnester. 

Wrestling might not be in my blood, but I sure appreciate the heck out of it.  From the pyrotechnics to the entrance music to the over-the-top antics to the crazy feats of athleticism, it's an experience that is unlike any other.  It's like the X-Games impregnated Days of Our Lives while getting a blood transfusion from Ryan Braun.  Coupled with the fact that I had a bout of the Hulkamania as a kid, and you wouldn't need an MRI to see that there's always a little bit of wrestle-fever lurking slightly below the surface.  And about a week ago, Strong Bad reached down under my skin and yanked it right out.

And now I'm hooked.

The coolest part about the WWE video game series is not the actual wrestling itself (although that's fun enough).  No, what makes these games amazing and blog-worthy is the amount of create-a-stuff features they have.

You can (with some imagination) pretty much create any wrestler, arena, sign, or special move that your heart desires.  Once you create a wrestler, you can give him his very own entrance and his very own entrance music (and I just found out that you can create highlight videos- and upload them to YouTube.  Goodbye, free time).  The possibilities are almost endless.  The entertainment is even endlesser.

Long time readers who are familiar with my Fantasy Football exploits are very likely experiencing a sickening sort of knot in their stomach as they begin to subconsciously realize just what exactly is happening here.  And in case not, I'm going to spell it out- I'm going to be blogging about my wrestling game.

Before you close this out, erase your browsing history and delete me as a friend from Facebook, let me explain why I think this will be bone-crushingly awesome and why I want to tell the whole freaking world about it.  Quick question: What do the following people/characters have in common:

Strong Bad
Skeletor
Iron Man
Beavis
Michael Jackson
Spongebob
Batman
President Obama
Tim Tebow
Ronald McDonald

Honestly I don't care what you answered, because the correct answer is that they are all created wrestlers on my WWE 13 game! 

I'm so stoked for the wrestling mayhem that will be playing out on my PS3 over the next few months.  Imagine Megamind having a feud with Chuck Norris.  Or Darth Vader and Stephen Colbert joining forces to take out Spider-man and Edward Cullen.  The possibility for shenanigans is unending.  And where there is a limitless pool of shenanigans (the Fountain of Shenanigans, if you will), there you will find me mooching at the cash bar.

That's why I am going to be writing about the video game exploits of fake characters taking part in a make-believe sport.  Because the thought of Captain Planet feuding with Mario or Arnold Schwarzenegger squaring off against Willie Wonka with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line or Bruce Lee teaming up with Jon Snow....well those things make me smile.  And now, I'm bringing it to ya.

BOO YA!!!!

I'm.....back?

If you're reading this, congratulations?  It's been about three quarters since my last post, and truth be told I've never had much to say anyways.  But after about nine months of silence, I'm here to say that enough is enough.  Youshouldknowjasonparks is back on-line- with caveats.

I'm going to be....oh, what's the insider term here....restructuring a bit.  While I realized this for awhile, taking some time off really drove this point home- I don't know what the heck I'm talking about.  Oh sure, I might have some keen insights or some smartnessy.  But realistically, I don't know enough about any of the serious topics to make a go of it.  

So what this place is going to become is a virtual alter to the inane silliness that is my existence.  I love laughter and things that make me laugh.  I love making people laugh.  This life thing, it's...well, you know, it's tough.  And then, after it's all said and done, we die.  Game.  Over.

That's obviously a somewhat cynical statement and I'm definitely not trying to make any sort of afterlife existence statement.  I'm just saying that this is here, and this is now, and we should try to laugh as much as possible because even science says that laughter is good.

Clearly, I won't be able to fully escape bringing the seriousness- but my hope is that it will serve to augment the silliness and that through the augmenting of serious and silly, that your day will be brightened and we'll build world peace from the ground up.

(It should be noted that nine months away from the blog has not diminished in any way, shape, or form my inability to JUST GET TO THE FREAKING POINT).

Too Long, Didn't Read: I'm going to be writing more about stupid stuff.

Heaven is a mobile home

Over the summer I wrote several times (maybe not here but certainly on Facebook) about my frustrations and failings in life- specifically in the arena of employment Really, though, it was all-around a difficult summer.  A difficult summer coming directly off the heels of a previous difficult summer, fraught with opportunity after opportunity falling through and... well, to say there wasn't a lot of hope would be like saying the Tigers kind of swept the Yankees to advance to the World Series (possibly a shameless ploy to justify labels to increase blog traffic).

So I feel like now, after a whirlwind month that has witnessed some changes and what I feel are significant steps forward, I owe it to those who stood beside me and held me up, hoped for me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and believed in me- I owe it to them to write about the good stuff, too. 

One month and one day ago, I was sitting home sick and watching some television when I got a call to come in for an interview.  One thing led to another, and one month and one day later I have a honest-to-goodness job in social work.  Score!  Oh yeah, and also after spending five months of living under someone elses roof, Sara and I signed a year lease for a mobile home (with 3 bedrooms to boot!).  For the first time in years, life doesn't feel like a piece of Saran wrap stretched tight over my face.

It's been quite a journey over the past couple of years.  Right after graduation, I took a job (ironically enough, at the same place that I work now although the experience is already 100% completely different) that drove me into the most pervasive and destructive pit of emotional despair that I have ever been in.  I spent about three months hating life and feeling like I could never be whole again.

It's taken a few years, but things are heading in the right direction.  I'm enjoying my job so far.  It's been challenging- but it's a good challenging, the type of challenge that brings growth and development.  As opposed to the challenging of the last few years, which was more about the challenge of trying to survive. 

I'm not naive enough to think that my entry level social work position and trailer park living signify any sort of "arrival".  But after a couple years of questioning whether I could fulfill the promise that my education seemed to tease and wondering if we'd spend forever cashing in bottles to prevent bounced checks and using loose change to buy a Hot-N-Ready for dinner, we've found stability.  A little stability.  But it's stability, and for us, a little stability feels like heaven.

Even if that heaven exists in a trailer park.

No way Jose

Disclaimer- I'm a social worker, so I believe that each and every human being has inherent value.  Also, in America I believe that everybody has the right to pursue whatever type of career they so choose and it isn't my place to tell someone what they should or shouldn't be doing.

But Jose Valverde can no longer be the closer for the Detroit Tigers.

I don't know if Valverde is a sleeper agent for the Yankees or what (and looking at his stats against the Bronx Bombers, I'd believe it), but he has certainly been awful for most of 2012.  Yet the Tigers keep trotting him out game after game after game, to a chorus of groans and soul-crushing sadness.

Why?

Look, I love Jim Leyland as much as anyone.  In this era of hyper-awareness and health consciousness, I think it's great that we have the Marlboro Man managing our $119 million baseball team.  But I also think that Jim might be too close to the situation to realize what Tiger fans realized pretty early on- Jose Valverde is not a good closer.

I'm not even sure if he's a good pitcher at this point- maybe he could be, if he could pitch in low pressure, non-save situ....(thinks back to every time Valverde pitched in a non-save situation) ah forget it.  Valverde is an awful pitcher.

Too bad that we have him signed to a long term deal and we have to being repair...wait a minute, what's that you say?  Valverde is a free agent and even though  he's making $9 million this year to sabotage our playoff chances, we are not under contractual obligation to him next year?

This is amazing!!!

Do you realize what this means???  Jose doesn't have to play.  This isn't little league, Jim.  Cut him, waive him, revoke his scholarship- whatever you have to do, just keep him off the field.  Sure, it might throw off his mojo or whatever, but he's a free agent.  Why should we care about his possibly shattered confidence?  Lord willing he'll be doing this for someone else next year.  I say sit him on the bench and pitch the guys who can, you know, get the other team out.  Shoot, I'd rather have pre-hipster-glasses Rick Vaughn or Whitt Bass at this point.

To Leyland's credit, he seemed to indicate that there is at least a chance that Valverde won't be closing the rest of the playoffs (and if divine justice is a 'thing', never ever again while donning the olde English D).  I certainly wouldn't let him.  At this point, I wouldn't even trust Valverde ordering for me at McDonalds during lunch hour. 

I'm sure Jose Valverde is an interesting human being who could be a lot of fun to be around.  As a closer though, he has less worth than the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle.  It's one thing to give up a bunch of 9th inning runs in Yankee stadium in April.  It's quite another to do it in game 1 of the ALCS.

Mike Ilitch is paying 21,686,545 Hot and Ready pizzas to bring a World Series back to Detroit and right now, the biggest thing standing between that us and that title is Jose Rafael Valverde.  Jim Leyland, please, for the love of all things good, do the right thing- Bench Valverde.  Drop Valverde from the postseason roster.  Forget that Valverde exists.   Profit.

The Good Samaritan TM

Let's just come right out and say it- I'm cynical.  Sure, I have moments of hope and moments of naivety, but there is also a part of me that simply refuses to believe the best in people or situations.

This morning, I was watching the Today Show (I'm actually a little bit embarrassed about this...perhaps even more so than the time where I admitted I watched Gossip Girl) and Matt Lauer and generic female co-host started talking about all the negative news and how sometimes we're in need of a reminder that there are some good people on the Earth.  Of course, these people spent the summer hosting concerts by Justin Beiber and his ilk, so maybe they aren't the best judges of how desperate the human condition really is.  But whatever- we'll humor them.  Humanity is screwed up and hopeless and is anyone good and blah blah blah.

Enter Leo Guarente (complete with video camera).

I won't get into the story too much- you can read about it here or here.  Suffice it to say that he found about $114,000 in savings bonds in a hope chest that some lady threw out and rather than keep them (which he was in his legal right to do), he returned them to her.

How special.  What a good Samaritan.  Humanity=inherently awesome.

Of course, they sort of glossed over the fact that this Leo guy is angling for his own reality show in the same vein as 'American Pickers' (people that make lots of money picking through trash) and has apparently been hauling around a camera and filming his crew in action in order to piece together a pilot called 'Trash to Cash'.  Or something.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where I might be going with this.

I mean, I don't want to completely discount what he did.  I know for myself, if I found $114,000 that I had legal claim to, there's not very many things on Earth that could convince me to not cash it right the heck in. Unless someone offered me $115,000 for it.  So kudos.

But why film it?  Why have the cameras there?  I mean, isn't the inherent goodness (or evilness) of humanity most accurately measured by what we do/don't do when no one is watching?  Anyone can be good when there's something in it for them.

Look, this guy did a great thing- with the cameras rolling.  I don't want to put words into his mouth/brain...but come on.  This dude is obviously a businessman.  He owns a junk depot.  He is trying to get reality show started.  Smart man.  So it's not out of the question that he would look at opportunity cost of this $114,000. And in my opinion, he made the right career move by giving back the money.  He has tons of publicity because of this.  An appearance on the Today Show.  Tons of Internet buzz.  Wouldn't be surprised if his show gets a look because of this.  That's got to be worth at least $114,000, right?  If not more, I'm thinking.  So he gets to look like a hero while he's laughing all the way to the bank.

Humanity=doomed.

Mr. Guarente (if that is your real name wink wink) did a good deed.  I'm not denying that fact.  I'm just not willing to make him the poster child for philanthropy.

Being a parent is hard

No sugar-coating here, I'm just going to come out and say it: parenting is hard.  Freaking hard.

This is nothing new, in my life or yours.  It's something that all of us parents have experienced- those moments when only the deep, deep love we have for our children gets us through (and sometimes even with that it's only barely).  Tonight is one of those nights.

Brief (hopefully) backstory- we've been living out in Skandia with my in-laws since May.  Truly, we're beyond thankful for their generosity and compassion, because without it I don't even want to think about what life would be like.  They've certainly helped us find some stability in the midst of another one of our transitions.

But we also underestimated the strain of living roughly 500% farther from town than we were before.  Adding about an hour of travel time onto each day on top of an extra 30-45 minutes of "get around" time in the mornings, and now having two children in elementary school to pack lunches for and check back-packs and....I know, I know.  A lot of these are first world problems, and in the grand scheme I don't have anything to complain about yadayadaya. 

That doesn't mean life isn't hard though.  Tonight, life was hard.

More backstory- Sara was able to get a part-time job before the school year at the local WNMU station.  Obviously a blessing, not going to dog it.  It did, however, take away some of our flexibility, especially in the mornings (Sara has to be to work 30 minutes before I do) and on Monday nights, when she has her vocal ensemble (it's like, 1 credit, she needs it for the music program) and can't come home in between because we live in Skandia.  If having an outstanding family support network is reason #1 we've been able to make it, flexibility is #1a.  Another adjustment, another stressor.

So I've pretty much been running the show on Mondays- working a full day, coming home, getting the kids dinner, making sure their lunches get packed and get showered and dishes get done...basically I don't get much time to sit down and chill (obviously I have enough time to do this blog but I'm pretty much writing this on adrenaline so it's not really "chilling").  Again, I don't mean to complain- for some people this is the norm.  It's just been a difficult adjustment for us- me especially, in this particular instance.

All of these things added together make Mondays very stressful and hectic on the best of days.  Today was not the best of days.

Without getting into specifics, I'm just going to say that Delaney flipped out at Shane and I (for reasons still unknown), Shane had two pee accidents, including one right before bedtime, and...well, it's nights like tonight where I go into the living room, throw myself on the couch, and start sobbing because I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.

I don't have a tidy conclusion.  Just the knowledge that I'll pick up the pieces, and do it all over again tomorrow.  Thanks for reading, and I hope that you find whatever you need to make it through your hard times.