For about the last week, I have been immersed in WWE '13 right up to the point of what some might consider to be absurd. Sara would probably disagree with that assessment.
If you're in the 'what-in-the-world-is-he-talking-about' crowd, lemme bring you up to speed. WWE 13 is the latest installment of the pro wrestling video game series. I'm not a consistent fan of wrestling, but I am a huge fan of fun, and wrestling is fun. Video games are funner. Wrestling video games are even funnester.
Wrestling might not be in my blood, but I sure appreciate the heck out of it. From the pyrotechnics to the entrance music to the over-the-top antics to the crazy feats of athleticism, it's an experience that is unlike any other. It's like the X-Games impregnated Days of Our Lives while getting a blood transfusion from Ryan Braun. Coupled with the fact that I had a bout of the Hulkamania as a kid, and you wouldn't need an MRI to see that there's always a little bit of wrestle-fever lurking slightly below the surface. And about a week ago, Strong Bad reached down under my skin and yanked it right out.
And now I'm hooked.
The coolest part about the WWE video game series is not the actual wrestling itself (although that's fun enough). No, what makes these games amazing and blog-worthy is the amount of create-a-stuff features they have.
You can (with some imagination) pretty much create any wrestler, arena, sign, or special move that your heart desires. Once you create a wrestler, you can give him his very own entrance and his very own entrance music (and I just found out that you can create highlight videos- and upload them to YouTube. Goodbye, free time). The possibilities are almost endless. The entertainment is even endlesser.
Long time readers who are familiar with my Fantasy Football exploits are very likely experiencing a sickening sort of knot in their stomach as they begin to subconsciously realize just what exactly is happening here. And in case not, I'm going to spell it out- I'm going to be blogging about my wrestling game.
Before you close this out, erase your browsing history and delete me as a friend from Facebook, let me explain why I think this will be bone-crushingly awesome and why I want to tell the whole freaking world about it. Quick question: What do the following people/characters have in common:
Strong Bad
Skeletor
Iron Man
Beavis
Michael Jackson
Spongebob
Batman
President Obama
Tim Tebow
Ronald McDonald
Honestly I don't care what you answered, because the correct answer is that they are all created wrestlers on my WWE 13 game!
I'm so stoked for the wrestling mayhem that will be playing out on my PS3 over the next few months. Imagine Megamind having a feud with Chuck Norris. Or Darth Vader and Stephen Colbert joining forces to take out Spider-man and Edward Cullen. The possibility for shenanigans is unending. And where there is a limitless pool of shenanigans (the Fountain of Shenanigans, if you will), there you will find me mooching at the cash bar.
That's why I am going to be writing about the video game exploits of fake characters taking part in a make-believe sport. Because the thought of Captain Planet feuding with Mario or Arnold Schwarzenegger squaring off against Willie Wonka with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line or Bruce Lee teaming up with Jon Snow....well those things make me smile. And now, I'm bringing it to ya.
BOO YA!!!!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
I'm.....back?
If you're reading this, congratulations? It's been about three quarters since my last post, and truth be told I've never had much to say anyways. But after about nine months of silence, I'm here to say that enough is enough. Youshouldknowjasonparks is back on-line- with caveats.
I'm going to be....oh, what's the insider term here....restructuring a bit. While I realized this for awhile, taking some time off really drove this point home- I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Oh sure, I might have some keen insights or some smartnessy. But realistically, I don't know enough about any of the serious topics to make a go of it.
So what this place is going to become is a virtual alter to the inane silliness that is my existence. I love laughter and things that make me laugh. I love making people laugh. This life thing, it's...well, you know, it's tough. And then, after it's all said and done, we die. Game. Over.
That's obviously a somewhat cynical statement and I'm definitely not trying to make any sort of afterlife existence statement. I'm just saying that this is here, and this is now, and we should try to laugh as much as possible because even science says that laughter is good.
Clearly, I won't be able to fully escape bringing the seriousness- but my hope is that it will serve to augment the silliness and that through the augmenting of serious and silly, that your day will be brightened and we'll build world peace from the ground up.
(It should be noted that nine months away from the blog has not diminished in any way, shape, or form my inability to JUST GET TO THE FREAKING POINT).
Too Long, Didn't Read: I'm going to be writing more about stupid stuff.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Heaven is a mobile home
Over the summer I wrote several times (maybe not here but certainly on Facebook) about my frustrations and failings in life- specifically in the arena of employment Really, though, it was all-around a difficult summer. A difficult summer coming directly off the heels of a previous difficult summer, fraught with opportunity after opportunity falling through and... well, to say there wasn't a lot of hope would be like saying the Tigers kind of swept the Yankees to advance to the World Series (possibly a shameless ploy to justify labels to increase blog traffic).
So I feel like now, after a whirlwind month that has witnessed some changes and what I feel are significant steps forward, I owe it to those who stood beside me and held me up, hoped for me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and believed in me- I owe it to them to write about the good stuff, too.
One month and one day ago, I was sitting home sick and watching some television when I got a call to come in for an interview. One thing led to another, and one month and one day later I have a honest-to-goodness job in social work. Score! Oh yeah, and also after spending five months of living under someone elses roof, Sara and I signed a year lease for a mobile home (with 3 bedrooms to boot!). For the first time in years, life doesn't feel like a piece of Saran wrap stretched tight over my face.
It's been quite a journey over the past couple of years. Right after graduation, I took a job (ironically enough, at the same place that I work now although the experience is already 100% completely different) that drove me into the most pervasive and destructive pit of emotional despair that I have ever been in. I spent about three months hating life and feeling like I could never be whole again.
It's taken a few years, but things are heading in the right direction. I'm enjoying my job so far. It's been challenging- but it's a good challenging, the type of challenge that brings growth and development. As opposed to the challenging of the last few years, which was more about the challenge of trying to survive.
I'm not naive enough to think that my entry level social work position and trailer park living signify any sort of "arrival". But after a couple years of questioning whether I could fulfill the promise that my education seemed to tease and wondering if we'd spend forever cashing in bottles to prevent bounced checks and using loose change to buy a Hot-N-Ready for dinner, we've found stability. A little stability. But it's stability, and for us, a little stability feels like heaven.
Even if that heaven exists in a trailer park.
So I feel like now, after a whirlwind month that has witnessed some changes and what I feel are significant steps forward, I owe it to those who stood beside me and held me up, hoped for me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and believed in me- I owe it to them to write about the good stuff, too.
One month and one day ago, I was sitting home sick and watching some television when I got a call to come in for an interview. One thing led to another, and one month and one day later I have a honest-to-goodness job in social work. Score! Oh yeah, and also after spending five months of living under someone elses roof, Sara and I signed a year lease for a mobile home (with 3 bedrooms to boot!). For the first time in years, life doesn't feel like a piece of Saran wrap stretched tight over my face.
It's been quite a journey over the past couple of years. Right after graduation, I took a job (ironically enough, at the same place that I work now although the experience is already 100% completely different) that drove me into the most pervasive and destructive pit of emotional despair that I have ever been in. I spent about three months hating life and feeling like I could never be whole again.
It's taken a few years, but things are heading in the right direction. I'm enjoying my job so far. It's been challenging- but it's a good challenging, the type of challenge that brings growth and development. As opposed to the challenging of the last few years, which was more about the challenge of trying to survive.
I'm not naive enough to think that my entry level social work position and trailer park living signify any sort of "arrival". But after a couple years of questioning whether I could fulfill the promise that my education seemed to tease and wondering if we'd spend forever cashing in bottles to prevent bounced checks and using loose change to buy a Hot-N-Ready for dinner, we've found stability. A little stability. But it's stability, and for us, a little stability feels like heaven.
Even if that heaven exists in a trailer park.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
No way Jose
Disclaimer- I'm a social worker, so I believe that each and every human being has inherent value. Also, in America I believe that everybody has the right to pursue whatever type of career they so choose and it isn't my place to tell someone what they should or shouldn't be doing.
But Jose Valverde can no longer be the closer for the Detroit Tigers.
I don't know if Valverde is a sleeper agent for the Yankees or what (and looking at his stats against the Bronx Bombers, I'd believe it), but he has certainly been awful for most of 2012. Yet the Tigers keep trotting him out game after game after game, to a chorus of groans and soul-crushing sadness.
Why?
Look, I love Jim Leyland as much as anyone. In this era of hyper-awareness and health consciousness, I think it's great that we have the Marlboro Man managing our $119 million baseball team. But I also think that Jim might be too close to the situation to realize what Tiger fans realized pretty early on- Jose Valverde is not a good closer.
I'm not even sure if he's a good pitcher at this point- maybe he could be, if he could pitch in low pressure, non-save situ....(thinks back to every time Valverde pitched in a non-save situation) ah forget it. Valverde is an awful pitcher.
Too bad that we have him signed to a long term deal and we have to being repair...wait a minute, what's that you say? Valverde is a free agent and even though he's making $9 million this year to sabotage our playoff chances, we are not under contractual obligation to him next year?
This is amazing!!!
Do you realize what this means??? Jose doesn't have to play. This isn't little league, Jim. Cut him, waive him, revoke his scholarship- whatever you have to do, just keep him off the field. Sure, it might throw off his mojo or whatever, but he's a free agent. Why should we care about his possibly shattered confidence? Lord willing he'll be doing this for someone else next year. I say sit him on the bench and pitch the guys who can, you know, get the other team out. Shoot, I'd rather have pre-hipster-glasses Rick Vaughn or Whitt Bass at this point.
To Leyland's credit, he seemed to indicate that there is at least a chance that Valverde won't be closing the rest of the playoffs (and if divine justice is a 'thing', never ever again while donning the olde English D). I certainly wouldn't let him. At this point, I wouldn't even trust Valverde ordering for me at McDonalds during lunch hour.
I'm sure Jose Valverde is an interesting human being who could be a lot of fun to be around. As a closer though, he has less worth than the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle. It's one thing to give up a bunch of 9th inning runs in Yankee stadium in April. It's quite another to do it in game 1 of the ALCS.
Mike Ilitch is paying 21,686,545 Hot and Ready pizzas to bring a World Series back to Detroit and right now, the biggest thing standing between that us and that title is Jose Rafael Valverde. Jim Leyland, please, for the love of all things good, do the right thing- Bench Valverde. Drop Valverde from the postseason roster. Forget that Valverde exists. Profit.
But Jose Valverde can no longer be the closer for the Detroit Tigers.
I don't know if Valverde is a sleeper agent for the Yankees or what (and looking at his stats against the Bronx Bombers, I'd believe it), but he has certainly been awful for most of 2012. Yet the Tigers keep trotting him out game after game after game, to a chorus of groans and soul-crushing sadness.
Why?
Look, I love Jim Leyland as much as anyone. In this era of hyper-awareness and health consciousness, I think it's great that we have the Marlboro Man managing our $119 million baseball team. But I also think that Jim might be too close to the situation to realize what Tiger fans realized pretty early on- Jose Valverde is not a good closer.
I'm not even sure if he's a good pitcher at this point- maybe he could be, if he could pitch in low pressure, non-save situ....(thinks back to every time Valverde pitched in a non-save situation) ah forget it. Valverde is an awful pitcher.
Too bad that we have him signed to a long term deal and we have to being repair...wait a minute, what's that you say? Valverde is a free agent and even though he's making $9 million this year to sabotage our playoff chances, we are not under contractual obligation to him next year?
This is amazing!!!
Do you realize what this means??? Jose doesn't have to play. This isn't little league, Jim. Cut him, waive him, revoke his scholarship- whatever you have to do, just keep him off the field. Sure, it might throw off his mojo or whatever, but he's a free agent. Why should we care about his possibly shattered confidence? Lord willing he'll be doing this for someone else next year. I say sit him on the bench and pitch the guys who can, you know, get the other team out. Shoot, I'd rather have pre-hipster-glasses Rick Vaughn or Whitt Bass at this point.
I'm sure Jose Valverde is an interesting human being who could be a lot of fun to be around. As a closer though, he has less worth than the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle. It's one thing to give up a bunch of 9th inning runs in Yankee stadium in April. It's quite another to do it in game 1 of the ALCS.
Mike Ilitch is paying 21,686,545 Hot and Ready pizzas to bring a World Series back to Detroit and right now, the biggest thing standing between that us and that title is Jose Rafael Valverde. Jim Leyland, please, for the love of all things good, do the right thing- Bench Valverde. Drop Valverde from the postseason roster. Forget that Valverde exists. Profit.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Good Samaritan TM
Let's just come right out and say it- I'm cynical. Sure, I have moments of hope and moments of naivety, but there is also a part of me that simply refuses to believe the best in people or situations.
This morning, I was watching the Today Show (I'm actually a little bit embarrassed about this...perhaps even more so than the time where I admitted I watched Gossip Girl) and Matt Lauer and generic female co-host started talking about all the negative news and how sometimes we're in need of a reminder that there are some good people on the Earth. Of course, these people spent the summer hosting concerts by Justin Beiber and his ilk, so maybe they aren't the best judges of how desperate the human condition really is. But whatever- we'll humor them. Humanity is screwed up and hopeless and is anyone good and blah blah blah.
Enter Leo Guarente (complete with video camera).
I won't get into the story too much- you can read about it here or here. Suffice it to say that he found about $114,000 in savings bonds in a hope chest that some lady threw out and rather than keep them (which he was in his legal right to do), he returned them to her.
How special. What a good Samaritan. Humanity=inherently awesome.
Of course, they sort of glossed over the fact that this Leo guy is angling for his own reality show in the same vein as 'American Pickers' (people that make lots of money picking through trash) and has apparently been hauling around a camera and filming his crew in action in order to piece together a pilot called 'Trash to Cash'. Or something. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where I might be going with this.
I mean, I don't want to completely discount what he did. I know for myself, if I found $114,000 that I had legal claim to, there's not very many things on Earth that could convince me to not cash it right the heck in. Unless someone offered me $115,000 for it. So kudos.
But why film it? Why have the cameras there? I mean, isn't the inherent goodness (or evilness) of humanity most accurately measured by what we do/don't do when no one is watching? Anyone can be good when there's something in it for them.
Look, this guy did a great thing- with the cameras rolling. I don't want to put words into his mouth/brain...but come on. This dude is obviously a businessman. He owns a junk depot. He is trying to get reality show started. Smart man. So it's not out of the question that he would look at opportunity cost of this $114,000. And in my opinion, he made the right career move by giving back the money. He has tons of publicity because of this. An appearance on the Today Show. Tons of Internet buzz. Wouldn't be surprised if his show gets a look because of this. That's got to be worth at least $114,000, right? If not more, I'm thinking. So he gets to look like a hero while he's laughing all the way to the bank.
Humanity=doomed.
Mr. Guarente (if that is your real name wink wink) did a good deed. I'm not denying that fact. I'm just not willing to make him the poster child for philanthropy.
This morning, I was watching the Today Show (I'm actually a little bit embarrassed about this...perhaps even more so than the time where I admitted I watched Gossip Girl) and Matt Lauer and generic female co-host started talking about all the negative news and how sometimes we're in need of a reminder that there are some good people on the Earth. Of course, these people spent the summer hosting concerts by Justin Beiber and his ilk, so maybe they aren't the best judges of how desperate the human condition really is. But whatever- we'll humor them. Humanity is screwed up and hopeless and is anyone good and blah blah blah.
Enter Leo Guarente (complete with video camera).
I won't get into the story too much- you can read about it here or here. Suffice it to say that he found about $114,000 in savings bonds in a hope chest that some lady threw out and rather than keep them (which he was in his legal right to do), he returned them to her.
How special. What a good Samaritan. Humanity=inherently awesome.
Of course, they sort of glossed over the fact that this Leo guy is angling for his own reality show in the same vein as 'American Pickers' (people that make lots of money picking through trash) and has apparently been hauling around a camera and filming his crew in action in order to piece together a pilot called 'Trash to Cash'. Or something. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where I might be going with this.
I mean, I don't want to completely discount what he did. I know for myself, if I found $114,000 that I had legal claim to, there's not very many things on Earth that could convince me to not cash it right the heck in. Unless someone offered me $115,000 for it. So kudos.
But why film it? Why have the cameras there? I mean, isn't the inherent goodness (or evilness) of humanity most accurately measured by what we do/don't do when no one is watching? Anyone can be good when there's something in it for them.
Look, this guy did a great thing- with the cameras rolling. I don't want to put words into his mouth/brain...but come on. This dude is obviously a businessman. He owns a junk depot. He is trying to get reality show started. Smart man. So it's not out of the question that he would look at opportunity cost of this $114,000. And in my opinion, he made the right career move by giving back the money. He has tons of publicity because of this. An appearance on the Today Show. Tons of Internet buzz. Wouldn't be surprised if his show gets a look because of this. That's got to be worth at least $114,000, right? If not more, I'm thinking. So he gets to look like a hero while he's laughing all the way to the bank.
Humanity=doomed.
Mr. Guarente (if that is your real name wink wink) did a good deed. I'm not denying that fact. I'm just not willing to make him the poster child for philanthropy.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Being a parent is hard
No sugar-coating here, I'm just going to come out and say it: parenting is hard. Freaking hard.
This is nothing new, in my life or yours. It's something that all of us parents have experienced- those moments when only the deep, deep love we have for our children gets us through (and sometimes even with that it's only barely). Tonight is one of those nights.
Brief (hopefully) backstory- we've been living out in Skandia with my in-laws since May. Truly, we're beyond thankful for their generosity and compassion, because without it I don't even want to think about what life would be like. They've certainly helped us find some stability in the midst of another one of our transitions.
But we also underestimated the strain of living roughly 500% farther from town than we were before. Adding about an hour of travel time onto each day on top of an extra 30-45 minutes of "get around" time in the mornings, and now having two children in elementary school to pack lunches for and check back-packs and....I know, I know. A lot of these are first world problems, and in the grand scheme I don't have anything to complain about yadayadaya.
That doesn't mean life isn't hard though. Tonight, life was hard.
More backstory- Sara was able to get a part-time job before the school year at the local WNMU station. Obviously a blessing, not going to dog it. It did, however, take away some of our flexibility, especially in the mornings (Sara has to be to work 30 minutes before I do) and on Monday nights, when she has her vocal ensemble (it's like, 1 credit, she needs it for the music program) and can't come home in between because we live in Skandia. If having an outstanding family support network is reason #1 we've been able to make it, flexibility is #1a. Another adjustment, another stressor.
So I've pretty much been running the show on Mondays- working a full day, coming home, getting the kids dinner, making sure their lunches get packed and get showered and dishes get done...basically I don't get much time to sit down and chill (obviously I have enough time to do this blog but I'm pretty much writing this on adrenaline so it's not really "chilling"). Again, I don't mean to complain- for some people this is the norm. It's just been a difficult adjustment for us- me especially, in this particular instance.
All of these things added together make Mondays very stressful and hectic on the best of days. Today was not the best of days.
Without getting into specifics, I'm just going to say that Delaney flipped out at Shane and I (for reasons still unknown), Shane had two pee accidents, including one right before bedtime, and...well, it's nights like tonight where I go into the living room, throw myself on the couch, and start sobbing because I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.
I don't have a tidy conclusion. Just the knowledge that I'll pick up the pieces, and do it all over again tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and I hope that you find whatever you need to make it through your hard times.
This is nothing new, in my life or yours. It's something that all of us parents have experienced- those moments when only the deep, deep love we have for our children gets us through (and sometimes even with that it's only barely). Tonight is one of those nights.
Brief (hopefully) backstory- we've been living out in Skandia with my in-laws since May. Truly, we're beyond thankful for their generosity and compassion, because without it I don't even want to think about what life would be like. They've certainly helped us find some stability in the midst of another one of our transitions.
But we also underestimated the strain of living roughly 500% farther from town than we were before. Adding about an hour of travel time onto each day on top of an extra 30-45 minutes of "get around" time in the mornings, and now having two children in elementary school to pack lunches for and check back-packs and....I know, I know. A lot of these are first world problems, and in the grand scheme I don't have anything to complain about yadayadaya.
That doesn't mean life isn't hard though. Tonight, life was hard.
More backstory- Sara was able to get a part-time job before the school year at the local WNMU station. Obviously a blessing, not going to dog it. It did, however, take away some of our flexibility, especially in the mornings (Sara has to be to work 30 minutes before I do) and on Monday nights, when she has her vocal ensemble (it's like, 1 credit, she needs it for the music program) and can't come home in between because we live in Skandia. If having an outstanding family support network is reason #1 we've been able to make it, flexibility is #1a. Another adjustment, another stressor.
So I've pretty much been running the show on Mondays- working a full day, coming home, getting the kids dinner, making sure their lunches get packed and get showered and dishes get done...basically I don't get much time to sit down and chill (obviously I have enough time to do this blog but I'm pretty much writing this on adrenaline so it's not really "chilling"). Again, I don't mean to complain- for some people this is the norm. It's just been a difficult adjustment for us- me especially, in this particular instance.
All of these things added together make Mondays very stressful and hectic on the best of days. Today was not the best of days.
Without getting into specifics, I'm just going to say that Delaney flipped out at Shane and I (for reasons still unknown), Shane had two pee accidents, including one right before bedtime, and...well, it's nights like tonight where I go into the living room, throw myself on the couch, and start sobbing because I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.
I don't have a tidy conclusion. Just the knowledge that I'll pick up the pieces, and do it all over again tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and I hope that you find whatever you need to make it through your hard times.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
If you're upset about character selection and you know it then your blog will surely show it and you'll make a post like this
Next Wednesday, thanks to magical forces beyond our understanding, WizKids is going to be releasing their (hopefully not-last) set of Assassin's Creed Heroclix- ON TIME. For a company that has made release-date push-backs a part of their repertoire for the past three years, this is no small feat. The reason we know it will not be late is thanks to the also-as-frequent-but-not-quite-as-magical shipping screw up that landed the set about a week early into the hands of some eager-to-spoil Heroclix players.
In case you're interested in such things, you can go and check out the spoiled dials here. Just be sure to tell them that brojase sent you. I carry a lot of weight in that community, I'm somewhat of a big deal. Actually, that's not true. I think that most of my posts get ignored by...well, everybody.
I'm not going to go through each individual dial and analyze it- that would take forever, and I'm pretty sure that most of you have lost interest just in these couple of paragraphs surprisingly not a record for my blog. I'm basically just going to go on a rant about a couple of egregious oversights- because while I'm still excited to get this set and see it on the battlefield, WizKids still made some pretty big bonehead mistakes that need to be poked fun at.
1) Character selection matters:
Since you're supposed to start off with a positive when you're giving feedback, I will say this about the characters that WizKids put into AC clix- at least there was no obvious money-grubbing "alternate" costumes that you usually see on toys and action figures, a la 'Casual Friday' Batman or 'Post-Labor Day White Pants-wearing Batman' or 'Thor in Donald Blake shirt'.
That said, they really effed up the character selection. Let's break down who they put into the two sets (Brotherhood and Revelations each got a six figure mini-set):
Brotherhood
Because this are some pretty blatant omissions here.
Let's just get the guards out of the way here. I'm not a businessman, so I can't know for sure- but I would think that when you have a set of twelve characters that you are releasing with a flat rarity in displays of 24 (so far all accounts indicate that each display contains two full sets), there will quickly come a point of diminishing return on a consumer's investment and it will be very easy to complete the set and thus no reason to continue to buy blind boosters in the store (thus potentially costing you money).
But if you fill up some of those slots with 'generic' characters- characters that are desirable to have in multiples- well, doesn't that increase the amount of purchases? It would have to, right? People are more likely to blindly buy something when there is an increased opportunity that the blind purchase will pay off above and beyond what they paid into it. That's not really happening with the set list as it is now. But with a few guards or generic assassins? Seems much more likely.
But enough about the red shirts- let's talk about some of the big name characters that they missed out on. Even non-Assassin's Creed fans will recognize some of these names:
I get it that not everyone who plays Heroclix is a fan of Assassin's Creed, so this was already a niche property within a niche property. But in my opinion (and many others if you are to believe what people write on the Internet), having a da Vinci figure would have completely changed people's buying habits. Because all of a sudden, you aren't just buying Heroclix from a video game that you may not have ever played (or cared about)- you're buying the chance to have freaking Leonardo da Vinci on your team! LEONARDO DA VINCI!!!
That's why I think WizKids making clix based on the super hero movies is such a great idea. I care nothing about Lucius Fox as a Heroclix figure. But you bet your sweet bippy I'm nerding out for Morgan Freeman to do battle with the forces of darkness. And I don't need plain-clothes Tony Stark running around on the map. But Robert Downey Jr.? Heck yes I'll drink to that! Now factor in hundreds of hours playing these Assassin's Creed games and multiply it by- again- Leofreakingnardo da Vinci, and you have quite possibly the most anticipated civilian Heroclix figure of all time.
Except, no. Somebody somewhere thought that it'd be better to have Octavi-whatever de Valwhogivesacrap in the set that now fewer people are going to buy.
As for Altaïr...he may not be an actual historical figure, but to those of us who have played this series since its' genesis he will always be the one that took our Leap of Faith virginity. And that's a special, special moment in a nerd's life. The frustrating thing here is that it's not like it'd be a stretch to include him- he's on the freaking cover of Assassin's Creed: Revelations!
2) You sunk my flagship.
While there is no direct correlation between sets themed around one figure (think Hammer of Thor, Web of Spider-man, Hulk, Superman, etc.), the kick-assness of that figures dial, and how well those sets sell- the popular perspective is that in those character-themed sets, the main character should kick ass. It's their set, after all.
Assassin's Creed clix gave us two versions of the main character; unfortunately, neither one of them seems to truly capture what makes Ezio great.
I've already written at length about the Brotherhood version of Ezio. At that time, any initial disappointments were tempered by the fact that there was still one more, unknown Ezio dial lurking out there. One more chance for them to recreate Renaissance-era Batman at the height of his powers, wisdom, and influence- but this time with bombs and a hookblade! I bit my tongue, swallowed my disappointment, and waited anxiously for Ezio: Part II.
This is what they gave me.
First of all (again, really trying to be kind of positive here), I'm glad that the grenade mechanic is making a return in this set. It's a wonderful way to replicate the bombs from Revelations, and it's just an all-around cool tool to have in the Heroclix tool box. Of course, WizKids screwed it up and gave him only 1 grenade to use- the smoke grenade. Smoke grenade??? That's like going to an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet and just eating salad. I know we're not talking about smoke grenades.
Plus he's already got the power to make smoke. He's got that power in spades. It's called 'Smoke Cloud' and while it's largely a useless power, at least Ezio has it on every click. Every. Single. Click.
Ugh.
They couldn't have given him a click or two of energy explosion (caltrop or datura bomb), pulse wave (splinter bomb), quake (wielding a pike), incapacitate (throwing knives), penetrating/psychic blast (pistol/crossbow), or poison (poison blade)? Apparently Ezio, after years of fighting against the Templars, somehow thought it would be okay to sub out all of his awesome weapons and just load up on mini-fog machines. Oh well, at least he can lay down a smoke cloud on turn one and then push to attack next turn without fear of pushing damage because he has indomitable.
Wait a second- he doesn't have indomitable?
OH MY GOSH!!! How can Ezio not have indomitable? It's an essential component of the character. Geez, Prince Ahmet gets it. Even Yusef Tazim gets it. But Ezio doesn't get it? Come on, WizKids.
You could make an argument (that I would laugh at) against Brotherhood Ezio getting it. But in Revelations, he's like 52 years old and still running around on roof-tops and jumping into hay piles. In the beginning of the game he actually gets captured and is just about to get hanged when he turns his execution on his captors and escapes. LIKE A BOSS.
I'll spare you my diatribe on his defensive powers. Suffice it to say that in my humble opinion, the dial designers have never played a game of Assassin's Creed and instead decided to purposefully sink the flagship character of my favorite video game series.
Despite my frustrations I'm still buying the set, which I realize means that I'm either a hypocrite or an idiot. As consumers, our words mean nothing to these corporations- but our wallets mean everything. It would be a million times more effective for me to voice my displeasure with some of their choices by just abstaining from the product entirely. Unfortunately, that's not how I'm wired. Here, in America, that's not how we're wired. We want everything now, the way we want it, and...well, we'll still buy it even if it's late and not really what we were thinking...but we're going to take to the airwaves and let everybody know that the Powers That Be sure did slap us in the face in their giving us what we don't need and taking our money all the way to the bank.
PIC- Thor- http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5270/5651772371_a1d5a36a79.jpg
Sofia- http://guides.gamepressure.com/assassinscreedrevelations/gfx/word/1751616812.jpg
Ezio- http://www.totalvideogames.com/img/uploaded/www.totalvideogames.com_69738_AC2_S_052.jpg
In case you're interested in such things, you can go and check out the spoiled dials here. Just be sure to tell them that brojase sent you. I carry a lot of weight in that community, I'm somewhat of a big deal. Actually, that's not true. I think that most of my posts get ignored by...well, everybody.
I'm not going to go through each individual dial and analyze it- that would take forever, and I'm pretty sure that most of you have lost interest just in these couple of paragraphs surprisingly not a record for my blog. I'm basically just going to go on a rant about a couple of egregious oversights- because while I'm still excited to get this set and see it on the battlefield, WizKids still made some pretty big bonehead mistakes that need to be poked fun at.
1) Character selection matters:
Since you're supposed to start off with a positive when you're giving feedback, I will say this about the characters that WizKids put into AC clix- at least there was no obvious money-grubbing "alternate" costumes that you usually see on toys and action figures, a la 'Casual Friday' Batman or 'Post-Labor Day White Pants-wearing Batman' or 'Thor in Donald Blake shirt'.
 |
| Also known as "Chad Kroeger goes to Asgard" |
Brotherhood
- Ezio- Obvious.
- Mario Auditore- Died in the beginning, but a critical player from ACII. Passable.
- La Volpe- Love him here.
- Bartolomeo d'Alviano- Ditto.
- Cesere Borgia- The villain of the story. Had to be here.
- Octavian de Valois- Had to wikipedia him just to see who the heck he was. Questionable inclusion.
- Ezio- Again, it's the Ezio show.
- Prince Ahmet- I guess he's the villain of the story...
- Yusef Tazim- Other than the hot young chick, this is Ezio's only friend in Constantinople.
- The Guardian- Who
- The Bombardier- Is
- The Vanguard- This???
 |
| Ezio, my eyes are up here... |
Because this are some pretty blatant omissions here.
Let's just get the guards out of the way here. I'm not a businessman, so I can't know for sure- but I would think that when you have a set of twelve characters that you are releasing with a flat rarity in displays of 24 (so far all accounts indicate that each display contains two full sets), there will quickly come a point of diminishing return on a consumer's investment and it will be very easy to complete the set and thus no reason to continue to buy blind boosters in the store (thus potentially costing you money).
But if you fill up some of those slots with 'generic' characters- characters that are desirable to have in multiples- well, doesn't that increase the amount of purchases? It would have to, right? People are more likely to blindly buy something when there is an increased opportunity that the blind purchase will pay off above and beyond what they paid into it. That's not really happening with the set list as it is now. But with a few guards or generic assassins? Seems much more likely.
But enough about the red shirts- let's talk about some of the big name characters that they missed out on. Even non-Assassin's Creed fans will recognize some of these names:
- Leonardo da Vinci
- Niccolò Machiavelli
- Rodrigio Borgia
- Claudia
- Subject 16
- Desmond
- Altaïr
- Minerva, Jupiter, Juno (WizKids has shown that they can do power interpretations for one-off characters or very powerful beings like Uatu who don't really demonstrate their powers...so I would have minimum reservation about them interpreting the First Civilization peoples)
- Caterina Sforza (If Mario gets to be in the Brotherhood set, then Caterina would have just as much claim to it even though she's more prevalent in ACII)
- Harlequin (If they're going to do Multiplayer character figures...how can they not make Harlequin?)
I get it that not everyone who plays Heroclix is a fan of Assassin's Creed, so this was already a niche property within a niche property. But in my opinion (and many others if you are to believe what people write on the Internet), having a da Vinci figure would have completely changed people's buying habits. Because all of a sudden, you aren't just buying Heroclix from a video game that you may not have ever played (or cared about)- you're buying the chance to have freaking Leonardo da Vinci on your team! LEONARDO DA VINCI!!!
That's why I think WizKids making clix based on the super hero movies is such a great idea. I care nothing about Lucius Fox as a Heroclix figure. But you bet your sweet bippy I'm nerding out for Morgan Freeman to do battle with the forces of darkness. And I don't need plain-clothes Tony Stark running around on the map. But Robert Downey Jr.? Heck yes I'll drink to that! Now factor in hundreds of hours playing these Assassin's Creed games and multiply it by- again- Leofreakingnardo da Vinci, and you have quite possibly the most anticipated civilian Heroclix figure of all time.
Except, no. Somebody somewhere thought that it'd be better to have Octavi-whatever de Valwhogivesacrap in the set that now fewer people are going to buy.
As for Altaïr...he may not be an actual historical figure, but to those of us who have played this series since its' genesis he will always be the one that took our Leap of Faith virginity. And that's a special, special moment in a nerd's life. The frustrating thing here is that it's not like it'd be a stretch to include him- he's on the freaking cover of Assassin's Creed: Revelations!
 |
| Granted, he's like a shadowy ghost standing behind Ezio |
While there is no direct correlation between sets themed around one figure (think Hammer of Thor, Web of Spider-man, Hulk, Superman, etc.), the kick-assness of that figures dial, and how well those sets sell- the popular perspective is that in those character-themed sets, the main character should kick ass. It's their set, after all.
Assassin's Creed clix gave us two versions of the main character; unfortunately, neither one of them seems to truly capture what makes Ezio great.
 |
| Pictured: What makes Ezio great |
This is what they gave me.
First of all (again, really trying to be kind of positive here), I'm glad that the grenade mechanic is making a return in this set. It's a wonderful way to replicate the bombs from Revelations, and it's just an all-around cool tool to have in the Heroclix tool box. Of course, WizKids screwed it up and gave him only 1 grenade to use- the smoke grenade. Smoke grenade??? That's like going to an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet and just eating salad. I know we're not talking about smoke grenades.
Plus he's already got the power to make smoke. He's got that power in spades. It's called 'Smoke Cloud' and while it's largely a useless power, at least Ezio has it on every click. Every. Single. Click.
Ugh.
They couldn't have given him a click or two of energy explosion (caltrop or datura bomb), pulse wave (splinter bomb), quake (wielding a pike), incapacitate (throwing knives), penetrating/psychic blast (pistol/crossbow), or poison (poison blade)? Apparently Ezio, after years of fighting against the Templars, somehow thought it would be okay to sub out all of his awesome weapons and just load up on mini-fog machines. Oh well, at least he can lay down a smoke cloud on turn one and then push to attack next turn without fear of pushing damage because he has indomitable.
Wait a second- he doesn't have indomitable?
OH MY GOSH!!! How can Ezio not have indomitable? It's an essential component of the character. Geez, Prince Ahmet gets it. Even Yusef Tazim gets it. But Ezio doesn't get it? Come on, WizKids.
You could make an argument (that I would laugh at) against Brotherhood Ezio getting it. But in Revelations, he's like 52 years old and still running around on roof-tops and jumping into hay piles. In the beginning of the game he actually gets captured and is just about to get hanged when he turns his execution on his captors and escapes. LIKE A BOSS.
I'll spare you my diatribe on his defensive powers. Suffice it to say that in my humble opinion, the dial designers have never played a game of Assassin's Creed and instead decided to purposefully sink the flagship character of my favorite video game series.
Despite my frustrations I'm still buying the set, which I realize means that I'm either a hypocrite or an idiot. As consumers, our words mean nothing to these corporations- but our wallets mean everything. It would be a million times more effective for me to voice my displeasure with some of their choices by just abstaining from the product entirely. Unfortunately, that's not how I'm wired. Here, in America, that's not how we're wired. We want everything now, the way we want it, and...well, we'll still buy it even if it's late and not really what we were thinking...but we're going to take to the airwaves and let everybody know that the Powers That Be sure did slap us in the face in their giving us what we don't need and taking our money all the way to the bank.
PIC- Thor- http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5270/5651772371_a1d5a36a79.jpg
Sofia- http://guides.gamepressure.com/assassinscreedrevelations/gfx/word/1751616812.jpg
Ezio- http://www.totalvideogames.com/img/uploaded/www.totalvideogames.com_69738_AC2_S_052.jpg
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The indecisive can never have everything they ever wanted
While I would never claim to be the Word Guy or some sort of mystical word-wielding warrior poet call me Conan the Verbarian or even Bill Simmons, there aren't many times where I am unable to piece together a timely or appropriate introduction or conclusion. Now they may not be Pulitzer Prize winning components, but they generally flow easily and tie in with the greater thrust of what I'm trying to accomplish in my writing.
Sometimes, those words don't come so easily to me, and I have to dig and dig and dig some more...and usually I'm able to come up with something that might not be structurally beautiful but is at least functional.
And then, once in a great, great while, I simply can't think of what the heck to say and I have to fudge something. Like I am now. So then I have to apologize for the long-winded nothingness- I just couldn't figure out how to start off what I wanted to say (other than just coming right out and saying it...but how boring is that?).
Yesterday, I was formally offered a social work position at a social work agency. Yesterday, I formally accepted said position. Today, I started to process what that change is going to mean in our lives a little bit. Today...I'm just chock full of all sorts of emotions.
I wrote last week about my mixed feelings- and they're still there. Probably will be for awhile. To be clear- I'm very excited about my new position. It pays more. Full-time employment throughout the summer. A professional position in my field- that long anticipated, oft-bemoaned, first foot in the door, a notch in the belt for future stability and security. Stability and security. We aren't there yet, but after seven years of scratching and clawing (and being scratched and clawed) to make a living, I've finally landed a job that should carry me upwards and onwards wherever life may take us.
But this is also one of those moments where you realize when you have some pretty green grass right where you are, and how sometimes, that patch of green grass is maybe everything you ever wanted also, the grass is metaphorical. Real grass is sort of boring. These last nine months were so tremendous. Yeah, there were ups and downs and when you're leaving a job it's probably a lot easier to wax nostalgic about the good times/forget about the bad- but when you're an aide (or a direct care worker or something like that), those bad times can (and often do) serve to forge solid, airtight bonds of friendship. You're in the trenches with these people, wading through the muck and mire and mucus and...well, it doesn't pay the bills- but you can't buy it with money either. I'm going to miss my FSPeeps. I'm going to miss all of the wonderful human beings that roam the halls of 401 North Sixth Street. Not everybody gets to love their job, but these past few months I got to live that out, and it makes me sad that I can only take it with me in a non-corporeal sense.
Next week I'll be taking that first step into the world of post-college professionalism. It's simultaneously frightening and exhilarating, and many shades in between. I don't know what the next steps will be, or where they will land. But I do know that those steps will bear shoe prints emblazoned with an 'SK' rocket ship.
Man, there is so much I want to say, and so few ways that I'm coming up with to say it. So this is what I got- thanks for the memories, Sandy Knoll. I miss you already.
This is the part where I'd have a nice, hopefully witty conclusion that referenced my introduction and hit on several of the themes contained within the body of my work. Again, words are failing me. Thanks a lot, words.
PIC: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCtsCjoT5vyt7xir8PBjNk3F3GOETQxB7yzo1O9UoS6uniyEQg5VDnXyJJffzDytMdiE_8rKdy9JN-F5uMHCfAMM1wiP2CdpJzZnik5ORSmGe6-3yFKqFT6MvccS4mubrVfQC-ccEg_L0/s1600/STEVE_BUSCEMI_MR_DEEDS.jpg
Sometimes, those words don't come so easily to me, and I have to dig and dig and dig some more...and usually I'm able to come up with something that might not be structurally beautiful but is at least functional.
 |
| I call those ones "Steve" |
And then, once in a great, great while, I simply can't think of what the heck to say and I have to fudge something. Like I am now. So then I have to apologize for the long-winded nothingness- I just couldn't figure out how to start off what I wanted to say (other than just coming right out and saying it...but how boring is that?).
Yesterday, I was formally offered a social work position at a social work agency. Yesterday, I formally accepted said position. Today, I started to process what that change is going to mean in our lives a little bit. Today...I'm just chock full of all sorts of emotions.
I wrote last week about my mixed feelings- and they're still there. Probably will be for awhile. To be clear- I'm very excited about my new position. It pays more. Full-time employment throughout the summer. A professional position in my field- that long anticipated, oft-bemoaned, first foot in the door, a notch in the belt for future stability and security. Stability and security. We aren't there yet, but after seven years of scratching and clawing (and being scratched and clawed) to make a living, I've finally landed a job that should carry me upwards and onwards wherever life may take us.
But this is also one of those moments where you realize when you have some pretty green grass right where you are, and how sometimes, that patch of green grass is maybe everything you ever wanted also, the grass is metaphorical. Real grass is sort of boring. These last nine months were so tremendous. Yeah, there were ups and downs and when you're leaving a job it's probably a lot easier to wax nostalgic about the good times/forget about the bad- but when you're an aide (or a direct care worker or something like that), those bad times can (and often do) serve to forge solid, airtight bonds of friendship. You're in the trenches with these people, wading through the muck and mire and mucus and...well, it doesn't pay the bills- but you can't buy it with money either. I'm going to miss my FSPeeps. I'm going to miss all of the wonderful human beings that roam the halls of 401 North Sixth Street. Not everybody gets to love their job, but these past few months I got to live that out, and it makes me sad that I can only take it with me in a non-corporeal sense.
Next week I'll be taking that first step into the world of post-college professionalism. It's simultaneously frightening and exhilarating, and many shades in between. I don't know what the next steps will be, or where they will land. But I do know that those steps will bear shoe prints emblazoned with an 'SK' rocket ship.
Man, there is so much I want to say, and so few ways that I'm coming up with to say it. So this is what I got- thanks for the memories, Sandy Knoll. I miss you already.
This is the part where I'd have a nice, hopefully witty conclusion that referenced my introduction and hit on several of the themes contained within the body of my work. Again, words are failing me. Thanks a lot, words.
PIC: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCtsCjoT5vyt7xir8PBjNk3F3GOETQxB7yzo1O9UoS6uniyEQg5VDnXyJJffzDytMdiE_8rKdy9JN-F5uMHCfAMM1wiP2CdpJzZnik5ORSmGe6-3yFKqFT6MvccS4mubrVfQC-ccEg_L0/s1600/STEVE_BUSCEMI_MR_DEEDS.jpg
Season 2012 first half of the first half review (that's a quarter for those of you who can afford the change)
In an effort to provide you with even more inanely unnecessary fantasy football coverage, I am now providing my in-season game reports in quarterly fashion- that means twice as many articles for you to ignore!
Wait a second, who am I kidding? You live for this stuff.
Week 1- I was expecting the Knights here (a Lions homer that I trounced twice last year), but with last minute division realignment I was left with a match-up against War Machine, a traditional thorn in my proverbial side. At the end of the day, though, I apparently didn't need to spend $600 on that therapy session as the Snow Flurries ended up winning a 146-83 laugher. I wonder if I can get a refund on all that Xanax...
What went right- 8 of 9 guys went for double digits- 3 in the 20s. Wow. Talk about overkill. I mean, that escalated quickly, that really got out of hand fast. Let me assure you that my team is not about embarrassing the opposition, and I made sure that I went over to the War Machine sideline and said I was really sorry and explained to him that this really isn't what we're about.
Oh well. I'm not here to make friends. Actually that's not true. Besides, things are so good right now that I don't even care that Dwayne Bowe only had 5 points. Do you remember how I pretty much lamented the drafting of Gore, Ridley, Jones, and...well, everyone? I sure don't. This is my team. These are my guys. Don't you come all up in here, pissing all over our cornflakes unless you're bladder somehow secretes sweet, sweet buttermilk. We're the Snow Flurries, and we're awesome!
What went wrong- Nothing. I played my best guys and they had the most points. The end.
Bonehead play- Again, nothing. This week was pretty much the definition of fantasy perfection. The Snow Flurries are well on their way to another season that raises the expectations just enough to thoroughly crush all hope in the playoffs.
Week 2- If week 1 was the triumphant sequel to my 2011 overture (think "Godfather II"), then week 2 was "Weekend at Bernie's 2". And just like that, my season has started going downhill faster than an porta-potty on wheels. Matched up against Center League newcomer Fergette, the Snow Flurries welcoming party forgets to bring a dish to pass in a 153-86 loss.
What went right- Bowe redeems himself with a 23 point outing, and Tom Brady (barely) has 17. My attempts to motivate Frank Gore by trashing him out-of-hand are clearly working as he has a second straight strong outing. And, um... not all of Fergettes dudes go for double digits.
What went wrong- Start with the injuries- Aaron Hernandez went out in the first quarter of his game, Matt Forte in the third. At least Forte got hurt in Week 2 instead of late in the season like last year, so I'll have more time to find a replacement/kick myself for not securing Michael Bush as a handcuff. Also, I mentioned that not all of Fergette's players went for double digits- merely 7 of 9. On top of that, Victor Cruz, Reggie Bush, CJ Spiller simply went off, scoring 85 points by themselves. Let that simmer for a minute- three players on the opposing team scored one point less than my entire team was able to muster.
Bonehead play-Well, since I didn't have Cruz, Bush, or Spiller to sit on my bench...I'd have to say leaving Ingram riding the pine against the Carolina Panthers, who seem to have one of the worst run defenses in the history of bad run defenses. Of course, this information really wouldn't have helped me this week- I was run out of the gym. Still, it goes to show how little I'm really paying attention. When has that ever come back to bite me though?
Try the very next week.
Week 3- One play. One. Stinking. Play. That's it. That's all that separated sweet, sweet victory over two-time champion Disco and a division leading 2-1 record with defeat and a 1-2 start . One play that I didn't make, and now I'm sitting here wallowing in the misery of a 92-84 defeat. Ah, ineptitude. My old friend. I really missed you.
What went right- Robbie Gould had 13 points. My kicker. 13 points. And really, that's about the best thing I can say for my team this week.
What went wrong- They say confession is good for the soul, and while I'll get more in depth in the 'Bonehead Moves' part of the show, right here I'll just come out and say it: I sat Andre Brown and his 25 points. Yeah, that really doesn't feel any better. What really killed me though was Peyton Manning's 26 points. Especially since he was busy sucking the first 2.5 quarters (I even saw a couple of his throws in the third quarter and it reminded me of...well, me). I've now been beaten in successive weeks by Reggie Bush and post-neck operation Peyton. I just don't know what else can possibly go wrong.
Bonehead move- Long story short, I jumped off the Ryan Williams bandwagon about as quickly as I jumped on it. He was averaging a little over a yard per carry and had two fumbles in two games. Not exactly the stuff of legend- unless you're talking the legend of The Incompetent Duckling. So I dropped him and picked up Brown after a nice little 7 point outing in the stead of the injured Ahmad Bradshaw. Similar thing happened last year on the Giants with some dude named Victor Cruz. Seemed to work out pretty well for him- and for me.
So after deftly swiping Brown off of the waiver wire right before he plays against the not-very-good Panthers D- I sit him. I'm not sure why. Maybe I missed the part where he was playing the Panthers. Perhaps I was a little too enraptured by the idea of Jonathan Dwyer (whom I saw have, like, a 70ish yard run this one time). It could have been the early season Thursday night game threw me off. Whatever the case- I sat 25 points and started -2 points, even though I knew that Brown was going to be getting most of the carries for the Giants and Dwyer was going to be sharing carries with Isaac Redman. I tried to beat the system, and the system destroyed me.
What really, REALLY sucks is that I can't even draw solace from my concubine league because my mom (my mom! I freaking lost to my mom!!!) had Ray Rice and Joe Flacco, which basically doubled her point output Sunday night and turn a sure win into a definite loss. Oh, and Ryan Williams? He only had 9 points- 9 points which in place of the negadeuce that Dwyer dropped would have won me the game as well. The lesson here, as always- trust a Cardinal before you trust a Steeler and your mom is better at fantasy football than you.
After leading the league in scoring last season and getting off to that same type of start, we're falling apart. Well, maybe 'falling apart' is too strong. Really I'm one bad play away from being 2-1. I can't panic when I'm one bad play away from being 2-1. I had somebody offer a trade to take Julio Jones away from me- he offered a couple solid players, but right now is not the time for solid. Now is the time to remember who we are, circle the wagons and remind my team that at full strength, we blew everybody else away in week 1. And also, time to go back to the pharmacy and see if I can get some of that Xanax back.
I feel pretty good about my team (other than Jonathan Dwyer, who I jettisoned faster than Harry Dunne on Turbo Lax I'll spare you the hyperlink. My draft, other than the injuries and poor performances, has panned out rather nicely, led by Frank Gore who has drastically exceeded expectations (to be fair, he could have pulled a Billy Cole and still been slightly better than I was anticipating). All I know is that it's a long season and nobody ever won a championship after the first three weeks. Well, except for the Miami Heat. And we all know how that turned out.
PIC: http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/404/276/129390268_crop_650x440.jpg?1318892311
Wait a second, who am I kidding? You live for this stuff.
Week 1- I was expecting the Knights here (a Lions homer that I trounced twice last year), but with last minute division realignment I was left with a match-up against War Machine, a traditional thorn in my proverbial side. At the end of the day, though, I apparently didn't need to spend $600 on that therapy session as the Snow Flurries ended up winning a 146-83 laugher. I wonder if I can get a refund on all that Xanax...
What went right- 8 of 9 guys went for double digits- 3 in the 20s. Wow. Talk about overkill. I mean, that escalated quickly, that really got out of hand fast. Let me assure you that my team is not about embarrassing the opposition, and I made sure that I went over to the War Machine sideline and said I was really sorry and explained to him that this really isn't what we're about.
 |
| Then we shook hands. Then we yelled. |
What went wrong- Nothing. I played my best guys and they had the most points. The end.
Bonehead play- Again, nothing. This week was pretty much the definition of fantasy perfection. The Snow Flurries are well on their way to another season that raises the expectations just enough to thoroughly crush all hope in the playoffs.
Week 2- If week 1 was the triumphant sequel to my 2011 overture (think "Godfather II"), then week 2 was "Weekend at Bernie's 2". And just like that, my season has started going downhill faster than an porta-potty on wheels. Matched up against Center League newcomer Fergette, the Snow Flurries welcoming party forgets to bring a dish to pass in a 153-86 loss.
What went right- Bowe redeems himself with a 23 point outing, and Tom Brady (barely) has 17. My attempts to motivate Frank Gore by trashing him out-of-hand are clearly working as he has a second straight strong outing. And, um... not all of Fergettes dudes go for double digits.
What went wrong- Start with the injuries- Aaron Hernandez went out in the first quarter of his game, Matt Forte in the third. At least Forte got hurt in Week 2 instead of late in the season like last year, so I'll have more time to find a replacement/kick myself for not securing Michael Bush as a handcuff. Also, I mentioned that not all of Fergette's players went for double digits- merely 7 of 9. On top of that, Victor Cruz, Reggie Bush, CJ Spiller simply went off, scoring 85 points by themselves. Let that simmer for a minute- three players on the opposing team scored one point less than my entire team was able to muster.
Bonehead play-Well, since I didn't have Cruz, Bush, or Spiller to sit on my bench...I'd have to say leaving Ingram riding the pine against the Carolina Panthers, who seem to have one of the worst run defenses in the history of bad run defenses. Of course, this information really wouldn't have helped me this week- I was run out of the gym. Still, it goes to show how little I'm really paying attention. When has that ever come back to bite me though?
Try the very next week.
Week 3- One play. One. Stinking. Play. That's it. That's all that separated sweet, sweet victory over two-time champion Disco and a division leading 2-1 record with defeat and a 1-2 start . One play that I didn't make, and now I'm sitting here wallowing in the misery of a 92-84 defeat. Ah, ineptitude. My old friend. I really missed you.
What went right- Robbie Gould had 13 points. My kicker. 13 points. And really, that's about the best thing I can say for my team this week.
What went wrong- They say confession is good for the soul, and while I'll get more in depth in the 'Bonehead Moves' part of the show, right here I'll just come out and say it: I sat Andre Brown and his 25 points. Yeah, that really doesn't feel any better. What really killed me though was Peyton Manning's 26 points. Especially since he was busy sucking the first 2.5 quarters (I even saw a couple of his throws in the third quarter and it reminded me of...well, me). I've now been beaten in successive weeks by Reggie Bush and post-neck operation Peyton. I just don't know what else can possibly go wrong.
Bonehead move- Long story short, I jumped off the Ryan Williams bandwagon about as quickly as I jumped on it. He was averaging a little over a yard per carry and had two fumbles in two games. Not exactly the stuff of legend- unless you're talking the legend of The Incompetent Duckling. So I dropped him and picked up Brown after a nice little 7 point outing in the stead of the injured Ahmad Bradshaw. Similar thing happened last year on the Giants with some dude named Victor Cruz. Seemed to work out pretty well for him- and for me.
So after deftly swiping Brown off of the waiver wire right before he plays against the not-very-good Panthers D- I sit him. I'm not sure why. Maybe I missed the part where he was playing the Panthers. Perhaps I was a little too enraptured by the idea of Jonathan Dwyer (whom I saw have, like, a 70ish yard run this one time). It could have been the early season Thursday night game threw me off. Whatever the case- I sat 25 points and started -2 points, even though I knew that Brown was going to be getting most of the carries for the Giants and Dwyer was going to be sharing carries with Isaac Redman. I tried to beat the system, and the system destroyed me.
What really, REALLY sucks is that I can't even draw solace from my concubine league because my mom (my mom! I freaking lost to my mom!!!) had Ray Rice and Joe Flacco, which basically doubled her point output Sunday night and turn a sure win into a definite loss. Oh, and Ryan Williams? He only had 9 points- 9 points which in place of the negadeuce that Dwyer dropped would have won me the game as well. The lesson here, as always- trust a Cardinal before you trust a Steeler and your mom is better at fantasy football than you.
After leading the league in scoring last season and getting off to that same type of start, we're falling apart. Well, maybe 'falling apart' is too strong. Really I'm one bad play away from being 2-1. I can't panic when I'm one bad play away from being 2-1. I had somebody offer a trade to take Julio Jones away from me- he offered a couple solid players, but right now is not the time for solid. Now is the time to remember who we are, circle the wagons and remind my team that at full strength, we blew everybody else away in week 1. And also, time to go back to the pharmacy and see if I can get some of that Xanax back.
I feel pretty good about my team (other than Jonathan Dwyer, who I jettisoned faster than Harry Dunne on Turbo Lax I'll spare you the hyperlink. My draft, other than the injuries and poor performances, has panned out rather nicely, led by Frank Gore who has drastically exceeded expectations (to be fair, he could have pulled a Billy Cole and still been slightly better than I was anticipating). All I know is that it's a long season and nobody ever won a championship after the first three weeks. Well, except for the Miami Heat. And we all know how that turned out.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Moment of clarity, moment of truth
From now on, do yourself a favor- whenever I make any sort of definitive statement about my life, assume that it's going to change sometime in the near future. Because over the past year or so I've been railing against my lot in life, and how I was woefully under-employed in my current position and how it was stupid that the only jobs I could find were ones that required a high school diploma when I was a Summa Cum Laude college graduate.
And now, a couple days after the latest interview and waiting to hear back on another potential job (eighth times a charm!), I find myself not knowing whether I really want to move on.
Without trying to paint myself into too much of a corner (lest I get the job offer and decide to take it), I'll say that there are at least a few reasons why I find myself waffling right before this quasi-huge moment that may not actually even come. Probably some insecurity in there, I'll admit. But perhaps one of the biggest reasons is that I've come to realize that I really love where I'm at right now.
I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened. But I do know that last week I was going for a walk, contemplating applying for new digs and thinking about the idea of leaving it....and I started to cry. Not just once- three times, this happened. I'm not even joking. Three times brah. I realized, then and there, that I really, REALLY like what I do.
Plus (and you can call me Little Boy Blue because I'm about to toot my own horn here) I'm really freaking good at it. I'm definitely the best male aide in the whole school. This year has given me ample opportunity to step up my game- and let's just say you can consider my game Stepped Up. We had some (difficult) new students start with very short notice, and a new aide hire quit with even shorter notice. To say it was very challenging would have been a contender for the understatement of the century.
The thing was- I liked it. I think it made me sort of retreat into this "survival" mode, quit kvetching about what lost opportunities were out there, roll up my sleeves and get in there to make it happen. And make it happen we have. Because as awesome as I am, I also happen to work with tremendous people who work just as hard along side of me. I'm not just an asset being stockpiled for the slow days- I'm an integral part of a well-oiled machine. And that's pretty freaking sweet.
To suavely point out the elephant in the room, I'm not so naive to think that having my kids going to school in the same building I'm working in plays a minor role. I love working in the same place my children do. Do I love seeing my kids randomly passing in the halls and being able to stop in their rooms on break and getting the chance to interact with their teachers in the lounge? Pardon the French, but you bet your ass I do. It may be the frosting on top of the Last Cake Standing- but it's frosting that you'd scale a donut mountain that was riding a skateboard for.
While it may sound like a slam dunk to stay, it certainly isn't- we aren't exactly in a place where I can afford to be romantic with my occupational decisions. Money isn't the only thing- but it's A thing, and unfortunately for us, right now it's a pretty important thing. The new job would increase our income by about 200%, and more importantly it would be the same level of income in the summer months. I've worked in schools the last couple of years, and have found out the hard way that money doesn't just grow on trees.
But you know what? I realized that if the school would let me, I'd clean toilets over the summer to stay where I'm at.
The other thing is that I'm not merely making another hopscotch step on my resume, but rather trying to have the next step be THE step- the Rasheed Wallace to my Ted Mosby if you will. One thing my interview for New Job made pretty apparent to me is that the Professional World is very, very scary. Yet, it's what I spent over $30,000 to try and learn how to conquer, and as much as I may love what I'm doing now, eventually I'm either going to have to come to grips with the fact that I've failed to live up to my education or come up with some really, really good excuses for doing so.
If I was to leave, it would be perfect timing. Next week, half of our classroom population will be moving over to a different building for the re-institution of a middle school Functional Skills program. I'd have a week to help set up the classroom for the rest of the year. Of course, all of this is assuming that New Job offers me a position- which, as I painfully found out this summer is never, ever a slam dunk. All these thoughts are just me trying to be prepared for that second in time when the moment of clarity intersects with the moment of truth and I have a decision to make.
Right now, I'm not sure I'm ready. Right now, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
PICS-
Cake- http://shewalks.blogspot.com/2011/03/ugliest-hair-on-television.html
Toilet- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCjVnKW1BGcXxpAUvJldt-MoQLj5ouRlVieP6e3QREUIJ5yLjzcERCaBnbAiqXzmR_JextTxHor_E6QX_L93Dzt6MmN0347Z5CiAre9uPe6Fc0sf7GeLCX8gqC0pBkDd7Te2mf3UT0kqbC/s1600/dirty_toilet_001.jpg
And now, a couple days after the latest interview and waiting to hear back on another potential job (eighth times a charm!), I find myself not knowing whether I really want to move on.
Without trying to paint myself into too much of a corner (lest I get the job offer and decide to take it), I'll say that there are at least a few reasons why I find myself waffling right before this quasi-huge moment that may not actually even come. Probably some insecurity in there, I'll admit. But perhaps one of the biggest reasons is that I've come to realize that I really love where I'm at right now.
I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened. But I do know that last week I was going for a walk, contemplating applying for new digs and thinking about the idea of leaving it....and I started to cry. Not just once- three times, this happened. I'm not even joking. Three times brah. I realized, then and there, that I really, REALLY like what I do.
Plus (and you can call me Little Boy Blue because I'm about to toot my own horn here) I'm really freaking good at it. I'm definitely the best male aide in the whole school. This year has given me ample opportunity to step up my game- and let's just say you can consider my game Stepped Up. We had some (difficult) new students start with very short notice, and a new aide hire quit with even shorter notice. To say it was very challenging would have been a contender for the understatement of the century.
The thing was- I liked it. I think it made me sort of retreat into this "survival" mode, quit kvetching about what lost opportunities were out there, roll up my sleeves and get in there to make it happen. And make it happen we have. Because as awesome as I am, I also happen to work with tremendous people who work just as hard along side of me. I'm not just an asset being stockpiled for the slow days- I'm an integral part of a well-oiled machine. And that's pretty freaking sweet.
To suavely point out the elephant in the room, I'm not so naive to think that having my kids going to school in the same building I'm working in plays a minor role. I love working in the same place my children do. Do I love seeing my kids randomly passing in the halls and being able to stop in their rooms on break and getting the chance to interact with their teachers in the lounge? Pardon the French, but you bet your ass I do. It may be the frosting on top of the Last Cake Standing- but it's frosting that you'd scale a donut mountain that was riding a skateboard for.
 |
| Oh, and also, you're Marge Simpson |
But you know what? I realized that if the school would let me, I'd clean toilets over the summer to stay where I'm at.
 |
| On second thought, 200% is a lotta dough... |
If I was to leave, it would be perfect timing. Next week, half of our classroom population will be moving over to a different building for the re-institution of a middle school Functional Skills program. I'd have a week to help set up the classroom for the rest of the year. Of course, all of this is assuming that New Job offers me a position- which, as I painfully found out this summer is never, ever a slam dunk. All these thoughts are just me trying to be prepared for that second in time when the moment of clarity intersects with the moment of truth and I have a decision to make.
Right now, I'm not sure I'm ready. Right now, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
PICS-
Cake- http://shewalks.blogspot.com/2011/03/ugliest-hair-on-television.html
Toilet- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCjVnKW1BGcXxpAUvJldt-MoQLj5ouRlVieP6e3QREUIJ5yLjzcERCaBnbAiqXzmR_JextTxHor_E6QX_L93Dzt6MmN0347Z5CiAre9uPe6Fc0sf7GeLCX8gqC0pBkDd7Te2mf3UT0kqbC/s1600/dirty_toilet_001.jpg
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