To: Carrie Underwood
RE: Before He Cheats
Dear Carrie,
Recently the production team at Arista Nashville flagged one of your songs ( 'Before he cheats' ) and brought it to my attention. As your legal advisor, I have to tell you that I have reviewed the song and my legal advice for you is: DO NOT RELEASE IT.
I acknowledge that this may not be easy for you to hear. Let me just say that I can understand the pain of being in a relationship where one person is unfaithful. I've watched a lot of soap operas. TONS. But this isn't about me. It's about you and your broken heart. It's about empty promises and shattered trust, and your feelings of helplessness and lack of recourse.
But more than that, it's about WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING????? ARE YOU INSANE??? Maybe he'll think next time he cheats? How about 'Maybe I'll think next time I decide to engage in blatantly criminal actions'. Because right now, the only person who needs a preventative prompt for their behavior is you.
You see, Carrie, (and this is sort of huge)...we still don't know for sure that he cheated! All we have as evidence is your declaration of jilted feelings! Is there more to the story here? Did he come home late from work one night? Did you see a mysterious number on the caller ID? Did he buy you $4 diamond million ring out of the blue? What are we going on here? Where's your smoking gun?
It seems that your whole premise is based on some loose theories and conjectures. Let me tell you what we know for sure: He's "probably" slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp (nothing wrong with being a bleached blond tramp, by the way), she's "probably" getting frisky, RIGHT NOW he's "probably" buying her some fruity little drink. Have you ever seen Law and Order? None of this is admissible as evidence. As my good friend Yoda would say, "A case have not, you do".
I'm not trying to say he didn't cheat. You don't strike me as the type of lady who would lie to millions of country music fans. It's just...well, this really feels like a preemptive blow. Like you're a freaking sociopath or something. Honestly, from all that you've given us to go on, I imagine this guy is probably just too good to be true and you've been hurt before and so rather than wait around to get hurt again, you push him away...by jacking up his SUV and then cashing in your 'jilted lover' story to make a quick buck.
Carrie, you're obviously very beautiful and very talented- but if I have to explain to you why you don't accuse someone of doing something they haven't done, vandalize the crap out of their car, and then sing about it on the radio...well, we might be looking at the end of your music career. Or music immortality, I still haven't figured out how you can tell the difference.
Maybe in the future you should try open and honest communication (or communication of any kind). Maybe try journaling or find some professional help. Because it seems like this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. I'll bet if he came home late, it's because he had to, you know, work late. And the mysterious number was likely just a creditor calling because he just wrecked his credit by buying you a $4 million diamond ring.
Regardless, it shouldn't take him too long to figure out who did this- you did carve your name into the seat and then write a song about it. Unless he is a moron, in which case I can refer you to a dating adviser.
In the future, I think you should try to write more songs about Jesus and His driving skills. THAT song gave me warm fuzzies. And hey kid, try to lighten up. At least your ex wasn't some overrated playoff choking quarterback or something.
 |
| Because I totally could have got behind that misdemeanor. |
Reluctantly preparing for your legal defense,
Name Withheld
Pic- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Romo
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