Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg

Marvel Machine defense

Welcome to part 2 of my "Marvel vs. DC: The Gridiron Years" saga.  If you missed part 1, then click here.  If you read it and don't miss it, then WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAYS?????

Sorry about that- I forgot to take my Internet estrogen.  Here's a look at the defense.  As before, pictures are from comicvine.com and measurables are from marvel.com.  Now, let's get ready to rumble:

Defensive end- Hulk
8', 1400 lbs

Assuming that the Hulk can stay mad (and I can't imagine that would be difficult while mucking around in the trenches), Marvel has a defensive end fueled by rage who continues to grow stronger as he gets angrier.  Reminds me a lot of Donkey Kong Suh.  They might need a way to figure out how to help Hulk control that rage though- otherwise I'm seeing a continuous series of encroachment and roughing-the-passer penalties from the Jolly Green Giant.  And when I say 'roughing-the-passer', I mean 'beating-the-passer-into-a-bloody-pulp'.  Which is still probably just a 15-yard penalty with automatic first down.  Can't protect quarterbacks too much, eh Goodell?

Nose tackle- Blob
5'10", 510 lbs

There are a lot of fat dudes that have made a lot of money in the NFL simply because they could stand there in the middle of the defensive line and not be moved.  Well who better in the comic universe to fill that role than the Blob?  Seriously, I think this guy single-handedly shuts down any inside run game from DC, and frees up the D-ends to tee off on the DC quarterback.  Plus, he's a fat guy wearing a leotard.  So that too will help slow down the DC offense.  Have you ever tried running a football while suppressing the gag reflex?

Defensive end- Colossus
7'5", 500 lbs

Besides already having his own shoulder pads, Colossus is an asset to the Marvel D because of his organic steel frame, super strength, and Russian heritage.  But really it's because he has his own shoulder pads.  Those things aren't cheap!

Outside linebacker- Sabretooth
6'6", 375 lbs

Sabretooth is like Lawrence Taylor from Hell.  This angry quarterback-seeking missile prowls the offensive backfield with death and blood on his mind.  He won't be making plays as much as he will be making piles of dead bodies that you have to step over to get past the line of scrimmage.

Inside linebacker- Iron Man
6'6", 425 lbs

Look, I've seen all three Iron Man movies.

This one's my favorite.  Although, why didn't he blow stuff up?

So I know the weapons systems and targeting and tracking and all that stuff that Tony Stark has inside that suit.  Combined with his cockiness and natural smarts, I can't think of a better captain of the Marvel D.  Plugging him in at inside linebacker gives his suit the proper vantage point to utilize his technology to shut down the opposing offense.  Also, it keeps him away from the fans, who are probably going to be drinking beer. 

Inside linebacker- Doctor Octopus
5'9", 245 lbs

As I think back to the two weeks that I spent playing defense in high school (before they realized I was too weak and slow to be anything more than a welcome mat), I remember our coach screaming at us about the importance of using our hands and not allowing the blockers to get into our body areas.  That is not an issue with the good doctor here.  Most human beings are limited to one pair of hands.  But Doc Ock has three pair.  Three.  That means that pair number one engages the oncoming blocker, pair number two coils around the ball carriers legs to prevent further yardage from being gained, and pair number three is free to readjust the pesky athletic supporter, which always seems to bunch up at the most inconvenient tim..YEOUCH!!!!

Outside linebacker- Thor
6'6", 640 lbs

Like the Florida State defensive ends of the late '90's, Thor has only one role- to run as fast as he can to try and tackle the quarterback.  No way I want any part of him trying to have to make thoughtful decisions on the fly.  No dropping back into coverage.  No trying to read the play.  Just use that Asgardian speed-burst to plant Mjolnir into the passers' chest.

Cornerback- Spider-man
5'10", 167 lbs

With a normal cornerback, you're worried about two things:

1. Their ability to match up with the opposing wide receiver and play lock-down man-to-man defense.
2. Their hands of stone.

With Spidey, you don't worry about either of those things.  He's got the speed, strength, and agility of a spider so I'm not worried about him going one-on-one with anyone.  And he has special pads on his fingers that help him scale walls, for crying out loud, so I don't think holding onto the football is going to be a big deal.  Besides, even if he does get burned, he can shoot sticky webs out of his wrists.  Now that's what I call 'recovery speed'.

Cornerback- Namor
6'2", 278 lbs

Apart from having all the super-human attributes, Namor has the supreme arrogance that any good cornerback needs.  No need to worry about giving up that 50 yard touchdown pass to put DC up by two scores- Namor doesn't give up 50 yard touchdown passes.  The only concern is that he starts to lose power the longer he's out of water.  So keep those fluids coming, guys! 

Strong safety- Wolverine
5'3", 300 lbs

Wolverine might be a step slow at safety, but he's a perfect fit for this defense.  He's tough as nails.  A superb natural athlete..  He has a nose for the ball.  And with a skeleton laced with adamantium, you best believe any receiver that crosses over the middle is going to get nailed like he's never been nailed before.  And with twelve inch adamantium claws, it will literally be like getting nailed.  Ouch.  Hope someone here knows meta-human First Aid!

Free safety- Beast
5'11", 402 lbs

If you combined Einstein's mental capacities with LeBron James' freakish athletic gifts, you would probably end up with someone like the Beast.  Although looking at this picture, I'm assuming that you dropped a Smurf in there too, and maybe Hello Kitty.  But anyways Beast is an amazingly gifted athlete who is also one of the smartest minds in the Marvel U.  I see your play-action, DC, and raise you some enzyme catalyzed reductions and an interception.  Boo-yah.

Defensive coordinator- Nick Fury

Nick Fury has an eye-patch and is played on the silver screen by Samuel L.  That's all you need to know.  And because Nick is such a secretive guy, that's pretty much all you get to know.  Oh dear, I've said too much.
Come back on Wednesday to check out the DC Stars roster- starting with their high-octane offense led by....STAY TUNED!

PICS- Iron Man- http://heightslibrary.org/wordpress/undeadrat/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/ironmanondvdfull1.jpg
Iron Man 2- http://fcdn.filmonic.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/iron-man-2-dvd.jpg
Iron Giant- http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51R222WH7SL._SL500_AA300_.jpg