WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament

Before I begin my Championship Tournament Tour, I have a confession, and since part of my gimmick is going to be treading on history and lore of Wrestling Past...I feel like you should just know that wrestling wasn't this huge, huge part of my formative years.  Obviously it was a part of it- I have some strong attachments to the late 80s/early 90s roster of grapplers and in truth I have earlier memories of wrestling than I do hockey or basketball.  But as I watch the 'Behind the Scenes' shows on the WWE Network (seriously, if you like wrestling even a little bit, you should get it because it's fantastic) and see all these people with very vivid memories of certain events...I realize that I don't have a lot of significant/specific wrestling moments.  I don't know if we ever purchased a Pay-per-View.  I didn't watch wrestling every week, and I certainly wasn't a Tape Trader.  I'm a casual fan at best.

So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory.  If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory.  Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was.  The same will probably go for wrestlers.  And I hope that we can all be okay with that.

With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!

Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles.  And yes, they were all awesome.

1st Round:

David Otunga vs Hollywood Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match.  This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.

1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title.  Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless.  After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.

Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren Young- An old-fashioned squash match.  The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?

Answer: I don't know

Adrian Neville vs George RR Martin- First off, let me just say that 'RR' is right up there with 'W' and 'The' in the pantheon of middle names.  I feel like giving your child one of those middle names automatically gives them 1,000,000 Future Success XPs.    

This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking.  You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner.  In the other corner, you have an elf:

What?

 No, not that guy.  Hang on here...

Uh nope

Pictured: An elf.

For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.  

Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi. 

A guy who can't even beat meat.

After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win.  So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude Adjustment for the win. The end.

Big Show (Retro) vs Kane  - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other.  That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious.  Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere.  Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts. 

Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar.  This was a dramatic and competitive affair.  Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata.  Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.

Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy.  Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.         

Pictured: 1970s sex symbol

Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!).  And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.

2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan.  NWO 4 life, friends.  4 life.     

George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY. 

Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs.  Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table.  Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.

Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really?  That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?).  I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament.  He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be.  I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.

Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems.  So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.

I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me!  In hindsight, it wasn't all that great.  So you probably didn't miss much.  However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.

But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me.  I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it.  You are a professional wrestler, Scott.  It's time you started dressing like one. 

Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit

Brock Lesnar vs Hamburglar- The Brock Lesnar Swath Cutting Tour continues, despite having the game on Normal settings. I'll bet Brock has eaten hamburgers that have given him more trouble than the Hamburglar did.

FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship.  Because he is so Hardcore.

Congratulations to Brock Lesnar for winning the WCW Hardcore Championship and thank you for reading!  Tune in next time as Brock will try to take out....himself?

PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif

Wrestling and my new universe (newniverse?)

So after my last post blew up the Internet, shut down Twitter, and almost won me the Nobel Peace Prize, it seemed imperative that I follow up with a more in-depth description of what the eff I was talking about.  And by 'blew up the internet', I mean 8 page views.  My blog is the literary equivalent of a selfie. 

Not that there's anything wrong with selfies

If you recall, sometime last year I came up with this ridiculously awesome idea to run my very own fake wrestling league/universe.  The idea was practically flawless and even though it's been done before, there was just no way that my iteration wasn't going to take the world by storm.  Aside from the fact that, you know, I would be heavily, HEAVILY involved in it.

Obviously it did not happen and I quickly realized that my initial idea wasn't realistic, especially given some of the (admittedly very cool) extra-curricular stuff that was going on at that time.  Still, I knew that I had to give the people what they want.

It was around March Madness time where I stumbled on the brilliant idea that I am totally shilling to you right now- wrestling tournaments.  It's wrestling AND it's tournaments.  How can it fail?  Plus, as ludicrous as creating and managing a video-game driven fake universe revolving around not-real people engaging in a sport with pre-determined outcomes may be, it's at least a little respectable because hey, tournaments. 

With the sheer volume some would say plethora of championships in the game, I will not be at a loss for new and fresh material.  Indeed, I'm just going to have a bunch of tournaments until they're all gone.  It will be easier to manage a series of tournaments for the purposes of blogging because they're basically short term self-contained entities as opposed to the never-ending "season" that wrestling essentially is.  Think of it like eating a regular gobstopper instead of an everlasting gobstopper.

Don't worry, wrestling fans- I'll still try to include storylines and (hopefully) cutscenes.  I also plan to tie my universe together with continuity, random facts about my (real and pretend) subjects, and I'll probably even solve the mystery of life while I'm at it.

I'm past rambling but if you would suffer me a couple of final thoughts:

1) The past couple of WWE video games have had "Retro" versions of some wrestlers, such as Brock Lesnar before and after he tattooed a giant phallus on his chest.  I will not be choosing between the two for competitive purposes, and in fact will encourage doppelgangers to throw down.  If Thuganomics John Cena faces Fruity Pebbles John Cena for the WWE Championship (Miz edition) then the good guys have won.

2) The previous champion receives an automatic bid to the next tournament.

3) For reasons of good form, I will not be playing any of the matches.  I am also going to be a slave to the automated result.  It's not always going to be optimal, and sometimes you end up with crap like Darren Young defeating Andre the Giant, Abraham Lincoln, AND Stone Cold in the qualifying Royal Rumble to advance to the round of 16 in my first championship tournament (results of which are coming soon!).  But life is not usually by the script and, like they say, when life hands you lemons you make a chicken sh*t sandwich.

4) Damage retention is ON. That means if somehow Bret Hart gets decapitated in victory, he will advance to the next round with no head.  Just like God intended.

5) I'm going to barrel through with this, whether anyone reads it or not.  I will also make an effort to write about real, actual things, so if for whatever reason you frequent my blog in hopes of non-wrestling/non-pretend play tomfoolery, you will be sated at some point.  But try to keep an open mind about wrestling tomfoolery.

Watching my children play make-believe with their toys and talk about their own made-up 'worlds' makes me realize that there is great value in having active imaginations.  I've always loved to pretend.  It's actually one of the few things I'm really, really good at.  Reality can be tough.  We have to live there and work there and pay bills there and if you stay there too long, it can kill your imagination.  When imagination dies, so do dreams.  When dreams die, so does hope.

Basically if you don't read my virtual toy stories, you will lose hope and life will have no meaning.  The end. 

PIC- Selfie- http://stcommunities.straitstimes.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/bxslider_photo/gta1.jpg
Triple H- http://images.mstarz.com/data/images/full/20918/triple-h.jpeg

So I'm back...ish

If a blogger writes a blog that gets about 50 page views on a good day, and then that blogger stops writing for a period of time (and his content was honestly not all that great to begin with), does it make a sound?  And when that blogger decides one day that it's been long enough and it's time to put on his Prodigal and come back, will anyone be there to throw him a party?

Yes, I'm back.  I've missed you.  How are you?  It's been awhile.  Where's my freaking party?

Today for lunch we had the usual buffet of excuses and pseudo-reasons to account for my absence, so I'll spare you those.  But you should just know that it's been particularly difficult to get back in the saddle.  I have been really wrestling with and coming to grips with my own limited scope in terms of the value of my contributions in a Social Media world.  Oh, sorry, spoiler: lots of melodrama coming up.  The internet world has really made it extremely easy for everyone to put themselves out there with some sense that we are the most important people in the world (and the smartest, funniest, always rightest, etc.).  Meanwhile it also exposes us to millions and millions of people that are either:
A) Way, way ADJECTIVER than we are; or
B) Scummy dirtbags that we can't even feel good about being MORE ADJECTIVE than.

It's kind of like we're all the Wizard of Oz, except we get to look on as the curtain is pulled back.

Please, don't misunderstand me- I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to trick you into giving me praise (although please, feel free to give me unsolicited praise at any time).  I'm just an insecure writer in a period of time when insecure writers are appetizers for a-holes.  I feel like I can be funny- but there are many who are funnier.  I feel like I can be smart and insightful- but there are many who are smarter and insightfuler. The truth is I am who Dennis Green thought I was and I will probably always go back and forth between feeling like 'Hey, I'm awesome' and 'Hey, have you seen the nearest hole to crawl in?'.

...why did I click on this blog again?

But of course I'm not going to stop- at least not fully.  I have a creed, a core belief (which doubles as the primary reason why I stick with Social Work other than the awesome pay) that each person on this Earth has some sort of value inherent to their being alive.  Each persons' unique experiences and make-up mean that they are worth something and unique in spite of their sameness.  The lives we lead and the stories we help create make up the congregate of the human experience and make us all an important cog in our own way.

And so that's why I'm going to start writing again about the Wrestling Universe of my creation.

Yes, I just sucked you into reading about faux wrestling exploits by waxing poetic about my existential struggle.  Two words for ya:

Bad idea?

This is basically why I started blogging in the first place (not this, specifically, but...well, you get the idea), this idea, this notion that I don't have anything of value to say other than everything I say because I am the one saying it and I am the only me that there is.  To borrow from noted sage Bret "The Hitman" Hart (and thanks to the #WWE Network, I'm on as much of a wrestling kick as I have ever been on a kick of anything), I'm the Me there was, the Me there is, and the Me there ever will be.

As always, thanks for reading!  Tune in next week as I talk more about stuff nobody cares about!

PICS: DX- http://sp7.fotolog.com/photo/23/8/93/wwe_dx12/1161204950_f.jpg 
Kid- http://poachedmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Confused-Kid-722x500.jpg
Surprise!- http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Undertaker-lose-Lesnar-Wrestlemania-fan-reaction-1.png

Don't you forget about me (forgetting about you)

The video really has nothing to do with the post, other than the title- it's just a great song.  You've allowed me to indulge myself until now, so I really didn't think it was that big of a deal.

I just wanted to let those of you who have been waiting with bated breath for the start of my promised YWA coverage (which is probably anywhere between one to zero people) that I haven't forgotten about it.  It's coming.  Bigger.  And badder.  If I had to describe it in one word, that word would be "Awesome".  If I got to use a second word, I would say "Quite awesome".  I'm pretty sure nobody would let me use three words (quite freaking awesome).

I'm not imagining weekly updates anymore- perhaps bi-weekly.  Sara and Delaney were cast in a production of Les Miserables that's showing in November, so between that and the dance classes (for the kids), it's going to be BuSy with a capital 'B' and 'S' and also the 'u' and 'y' are in a large font size and bold.

I know, dude.  I know.

Also, I wanted to give a little plug for another website that I'll be writing for- popculturejunkies.net.  It's run by a friend of mine from the old country.  Initially I plan to write about stupid headlines/stories that I find on ESPN.com (oh, sorry- SPOILER ALERT- ESPN.com has stupid headlines sometimes) and probably other items of pop culture that tickle my fancy.  I'm telling you this now so you can go there, add it to your favorites and tell all your friends that you were there at the beginning.

Thanks for reading, eh?

YWL: Crisis in Kayfabe

They say that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"- but apparently if you fraternize one time with Mr. Apple will set into motion a chain of events which leads to the downfall of an entire organization.

Pictured: The face of corporate decept-hey, is that Wildcat Willie??  

Let's just get this out there right now- the YWL is no more.

Seeing as I've seemingly made it my life's work to write about things I want to do and then just going out and not doing them, I'm imagining that there's not a lot of surprise out there in Cyberspacelandia.  However, since wrestling is involved, you can't trust what your eyes are seeing and what your brain is telling you.  Because there is a swerve here of epic proportions, I need you all to sit down because I am about to blow your mind through the bottom of your pants.

Just in case you missed it last time

Our story begins (and ends) with three key ingredients.  There is a CAW of Mr. Apple.  There is a bug in the WWE '13 game itself.  And there is  kayfabe.  Like a good magician, I'm going to give you a step by step explanation of the science behind my illusion so that you know exactly how you got tricked.  Except that is not what good magicians do.  Also, I suppose good writers stay away from mixing metaphors.  But we're well past the point of pretending that I am actually a good writer.

Let's start with Mr. Apple.  To most people, Mr. Apple is Steve Jobs.  But to Marquettians- Mr. Apple is a mysterious dude in a mascot suit who stands on the corner of Washington and Third during the summer to tout the wares of Farmer Q's.  Pretty much the run-of-the-mill mascot- but to the kids (at least mine), it might as well be the Pied Piper handing out Turbo Man dolls.  THIS JUST IN: Kids love dudes in goofy costumes. 

As I've stated a few times, much of my motivation for doing this whole league is to have something fun and crazy to do with the kids.  So when we passed Mr. Apple on the streets that fateful afternoon, I just knew that Mr. Apple was destined to set foot in the squared circle against the likes of The Rock, Stone Cold, and Homestarrunner.  Doggone it though- all of my CAW slots were taken up with those other goofs.

(Clearly there is a second PS3 user name that I'm sloughing off some of the additional "Hey, that guy would be awesome to have in a wrestling game" CAW slots onto- but for the purposes of this post, you don't know that).

What to do?

Well, I decided to usurp my resident Spongebob CAW- for a few reasons.

1) I have different plans for Spongebob.
2) It's freaking Mr. Apple.
3) Somebody else already did the work to create a mascotly shaped puffy body.

Once the decision was made, the creative process didn't take real long.  After a few minutes of adjusting some colors, sizes, and shapes- PRESTO- welcome to the YWL, Mr. Apple.

It is here that I bring up the glitch- or, more ominously, The Glitch.

Apparently, as is standard practice amongst video game companies, WWE 13 was released slightly unfinished and with a few bugs.  You can read about them here.  One of those bugs would completely reset the teams and rosters of the WWE 13 universe mode.  They did release a patch shortly afterwards to fix some of the above glitches, and since I purchased the game several months after the premature release/patch process, I have only known the patch.  Unfortunately, the WWE Universe mode reset glitch was not (at least fully) addressed during the lone patch.  Unfortunatelyer, THQ went bankrupt and dissolved in January and any subsequent follow-up patches went by the wayside.

The end result was chaos.  Altering my Spongebob into Mr. Apple undid all of my tag teams and reset the rosters to their default setting.  While my CAWs were in their updated slots and the rivalries stayed intact for the most part, the rest of it pretty much went back to stock mode.  Which means that a lot of time and effort went out the window and my Universe mode was left in shambles.

Needless to say (but said anyways), I was Frust. Rated.  I don't want to embellish my reaction, but I seriously began to think it would be easy to just let the whole thing crash and burn, chalked up as another failure of the impulsive loud mouth ramblings of the idiot that runs this blog.

It is here that I bring kayfabe into the equation.

To the uninundated, kayfabe is basically the set of "rules" that govern the wrestling universe.  It's the understanding between the wrestler and the fans that basically acknowledges the actions of said wrestler within his wrestling "universe" are "real" for the sake of enhancing the performance.  For we, the fan, our part in kayfabe is to "play along" even though we know the scripted, pre-determined nature of what we are witnessing.

It's what makes wrestling awesome instead of just watching some well-oiled grown ups play make-believe fighting.  It's also what has given second life to my ludicrous meanderings for at least another day.

So please disregard everything I have said about my stupid video game getting reset because I decided to turn Spongebob into an Apple mascot.  That's not what happened.  Actually the YWL folded due to lack of financial solvency.  Poor attendance at televised events, low ratings, and an insufficient buy rate for "Hit Guys With Chairs" led to the untimely demise of the company.  Fortunately for you, the fan sitting at home, it didn't stay demised for long.  It was absorbed into the bigger, financially more powerful (and definitely not going to be messing with the roster-ness) of the YWA- Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling Association.

And next week, I'll be absorbing the YWA into you.

Or something.

YWL: Season 1, Week 3

Hit Guys With Chair is next week!  In the meantime, some week 3- recap.

But first, a little clarifier- In my last post, I mentioned the 'quick' setting a couple of times.  Allow me to 'splain.  There are three settings to the simulated matches- quick, normal, and epic.  I do 'quick' for the regular matches because time is a finite resource and I am pretty sure that using it to watch video game wrestling (and then writing about it) is possibly not the best use of that time.

WCW:

Darth Maul vs Super Mario
Confession- I eschewed the easy road for the Mario entrance song and gave him Ebola in Memphis, a mash-up tune that I found on a website that most likely had some connection to the mafia.  In some ways, it's really out of place with the whole Mario persona- but the music goes really well with his entrance, so I kept it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you.

In terms of the actual match, it was an orgy of Sith punishment.  Maul spent the whole match kicking and punching and jumping and kicking and jumping and punching and in the end, it was just too much for poor 'ol Mario.

AJ Lee and Bella Da Ball (kidding- just one of the Bella's) vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
In perhaps the cruelest sense of irony, the first repeat match and the clearest form of feud development is occurring between a group of Divas wrestlers that are not united by any sort of team harmony, mutual animosity, or pursuit of a championship. 

Why couldn't this have been Avengers/Sith?  Or Avengers/Team CoBro?  Shoot, I'd even watch the Avengers take on the Bella Twins- I just want to see tag team matchups that involve actual tag teams.  Is that too much to ask??? 

Thankfully, Eve made AJ tap so quickly in this match that I barely had time to think the preceding thoughts.  Still, there's a very good chance that I'm going to see some variation of this stinker over the next couple of weeks- and maybe even (gulp) beyond.

Arnold vs Barack Obama
A little follow up from the tag team match on last weeks NXT.  Nice save, bookerman. 

Regardless of political persuasion, I hope that you can appreciate the brilliance of including Barack Obama in this league.  Not that I'm the first (or only) person to have done it- but everyone that does it is a genius. 

After a pretty even start, things took a turn for the worse for the Governator when he inexplicably got out of the ring to set up the announcing table for...well, for what, I don't know.  What I do know is that this was the part of the show where Barack unleashed his underrated rope game and launched an aerial assault that can only be described as a Air Force One, Fox Three.

But then, just when you thought that Arnold was purposefully throwing the match- he choke-slammed Obama through the announcers table.  Plus, and this is crucial- he threw Barack Obama through a table!  Woah!!!  That's awesome!!!You can't tell me that doesn't make your little liberal heart smile at least a little bit.

If not, then this should do the trick

If I decide to name a 'Match of the Year', this will certainly be in the conversation.  Obama nailed three of his finishers (The FiliBUSTer) on Arnold, but in an overly-zealous-and-ridiculously-blatant fourth-wall reference to bureaucratic inefficiency, he (and by 'he', I mean 'I') attempted to pin Arnold within reach of the ropes all three times, which allowed Arnold to kick out and continue the match.  Finally, after miraculously escaping from a colossal clutch, Obama rolled him up for the three count to put the finishing touches on one of the best matches I've ever seen- real or otherwise.

Who said that big government never gave us anything?

Captain America and Darth Vader vs Red Hulk and Strong Bad
Wait- whaaaaaat???

I don't get it either, Random Dorky Glasses Guy

Let's pause to honor this historic moment in Youshouldknowjasonparks history- my first-ever use of a  GIF!!!!  Although I probably could..have...used a...better.....one.    

So apparently my idea of a master feud between the Sith and the Avengers was aborted so that Darth Maul could fight...Super Mario and Darth Vader could team up with....Captain America to....um, fight against....Strong Bad and Red Hulk?????

There.  That's better.

Seriously, if some of my more wrestling-knowledgeable friends could explain why a face and a heel who are already on teams would team up against two heels that they aren't actually rivals with, I'd greatly appreciate it and probably even cite my sources.

It's not that I'm against randomness- I champion randomness.  That was one of my whole reasons for doing the YWL in the first place.  But in the context of wrestling feud development....well, I don't know enough yet to ascertain the meaning of these random matches and the overbooking of the Divas has me less than convinced that the computer GM knows what the heck it's doing.

Regardless of why this match took place, it was definitely a quickie.  Vader/America did a great job controlling tempo and keeping Strong Bad out of the match (although Strong Bad may not have tried very hard to get into the same ring as the Super Soldier and Emperor Palpatine's attack dog).

Carnage vs. Rorschach (accompanied by Skeletor)
As this card has progressed, it has gotten more and more bizarre and I'm trying to wrap my head around whether I like it or whether I wish things were more linear.

Why is Rorschach aligning himself with Skeletor?  I thought he was all about no compromise- yet here he is aligning himself with not only a villain- but arguably one of the most notorious villains of all time (or at least 1980s cartoons).  Look, I read The Watchmen.  I know about how Rorschach butchered a kidnapper/murderer in the comics.  So how can I watch him possibly join forces with the despot who would do this?  And this?  And that?  And even this?

And then- they even did a seemingly joyous double high five right before the match!?!?!?!  WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE??????

Maybe Skeletor has turned face?  It's hard to read his, um, face (it is a skull, after all), but after the match he seemed to show genuine empathy towards Rorschach as he raised his hand in the air in victory (Oh yeah...the match.  Um, Rorschach won) with the tenderest of care, as Rorschach favored his bruised and battered ribs.  What's even weirder is that Rorschach is Level 4-rivals with Arnold, a member of Skeletor's stable, the Nexus!!!

What could this possibly mean???  Gah- I can't talk about it anymore, it's giving me a headache.

Raw is War...spelled backwards:

Godfather vs The Rock
For the first time this season, I chose not to play as the Rock.  Not because I wanted him to lose- far from it!  It's just that....well, Rock hasn't dropped The People's Elbow since....well, at least since the Wrestlemania that must have preceded the start of my WWE Universe mode.  I need to see if it's just me or if the Rock has some legitimate psychological issues going on regarding that move.

Despite picking up the victory over the Godfather (and building up two Finishers), The Rock did not execute a successful People's Elbow.  He didn't even attempt it.  One match isn't enough to call it a trend, but still- is there a crisis hotline for video game wrestlers?

Niko Bellic vs Ezio (Table match)
Ezio makes his YWL debut.  All I can say is it's about freaking time.  I once almost started a blog about the life and times of Ezio, so to say I'm excited is an understatement.  Ezio is the freaking man.  Plus, this match is between the protagonists from two of my favorite open world games ever- and it involves tables!!!

As expected, Ezio controlled the early part with a brilliant understanding of pacing...and punching.  In a regular match he probably would have won easily.  But it's not a regular match, and as things went on, Niko demonstrated the cool under pressure that you would expect from a guy who casually strolls down the street like this.

Despite putting himself through a table (twice), Niko wound up with the victory when he put Ezio through the announcing table.  Huh.  I didn't realize that would count as a table.  I guess you learn something new every day. 

Delaney vs Layla
Confession- for a split second I was thinking that 'Lola' would be a great theme song for Layla.  Then I realized that I was confusing 'Lola' with 'Layla', which is also a song about a woman...just in a different way.  But wouldn't that be awesome- to have a women's wrestler with 'Lola' as their entrance song?  Talk about your all-time swerves.

And Delaney gets the win via submission. 

CM Punk vs Triple H vs Randy Orton
There's a lot of gold here- CM Punk holds the Intercontinental title, and Triple H's quest for title #3 to complete the Triple Crown has been well documented (by which I mean I wrote a little blurb about it in a much bigger piece and am now shamelessly linking to that piece in order to artificially inflate my post count).

When I was deciding how to break down my rosters and which real wrestlers to include, CM Punk and Triple H were pretty much shoe-ins.  I totally could have gone either way on Randy Orton.  I don't know why- Orton has just never captured my imagination the way others have.  Keep in mind that I grew up with the WWF of the 1980s, and characters like Hulk Hogan, Jake the Snake, Macho Man, Ravishing Rick Rude, and the Million Dollar Man.  So while in-ring ability can certainly grab my attention, there's something to be said about the big personality that I look for- and Orton just don't have it.

So if I don't care for Orton all that much, why include him?  Let's take a systematic look at a list of pros and cons, shall we?

Case for Randy Orton:
-Apex predator thing: Randy Orton is called 'The Apex Predator' and can sometimes be seen impersonating a snake.  Snakes are cool.  Therefore, the logical conclusion is that Randy Orton is confused probably in need of some counseling an actual snake cool.
-Tattoo sleeves: Within the last few years, Randy Orton beefed up his tattoo repertoire by getting some sleeves to augment his collection of tribal tats.  Some people aren't big fans, but I think it looks sort of sweet.  It's like he's wearing an inverse t-shirt all the time.  
-Neat-enough finisher: The RKO comes in at #11 on the Top 50 WWE finishers of all time video that I just watched.  It's not my favorite, but it's sort of cool.  I guess.

Case against Randy Orton:
-Lame song: It should be noted that I haven't watched any actual matches since 2012, so it's possible that Randy Orton changed his entry music.  If not though....ugh.  Bill Simmons gave a pretty good description of what makes entrance music 'pop'- and this song, to me, has zero pop.  There's no real high points...or even super low points.  It just...is.  The lyrics talk about hearing voices in your head, and while I'm no music historian, I'm sure that there are waaaaaay cooler songs that talk about being crazy.
-No real personality: As mentioned, I grew up with 1980s wrestling, where we were all marks and a cool gimmick was way more important than cool wrestling moves.  Times have changed and I've changed- but I'm still way more into guys that have personalities.  CM Punk, Rock, Stone Cold, DX- perfect examples of dudes that have personalities that compliment their in-ring prowess.  I haven't followed a ton of the WWE over the last several years, but I've seen enough of Randy Orton to know that he's less interesting than washing dishes.
-Sort of an ugly dude:  Nothing more that I can say about him than this:

Wait a second...that's not him.

Nope.

Enough about that- my issues with Randy aside, this is a potentially historical match.  I mean, even Chris Jericho bought a ticket for a front row seat.  Clearly then, in order to piggyback on to history, I had to man the controls of one of these wrestlers.  And even clearlier, I had to man the controls- of the Tripster.

When I look back years down the road and write the memoirs of the YWL's early days, I will look back on this match as the "Dont' Call It A Comeback (but actually you can call it a comeback)" match.  Certain wrestlers have a "comeback" ability, and each of these guys is on that list.  Basically a comeback allows to kick some a** after you've spent the previous few minutes getting your own a** kicked.

Between the comebacks and all the post-signature chairs-to-the-face  maneuvers, this match definitely had some dynamic ebb and flow going on.  3H finally won after smashing Orton with the steel steps and pinning him while CM Punk just sort of pranced by in the background.  Following the match, Road Dogg came in for the congrats and I was giddy like a school girl.

I was actually going to put a picture of a giddy school girl here, but I thought you should know that this came up on Google under the search for 'giddy school girl'.  Not even that far down the page, either.

New Age Outlaws vs Brothers of Destruction (#1 contenders for the tag team title)
I imagine that the Undertakers entrance is probably amazing in a live setting.  The lights go down, the bell tolls, the purple smoke goes up- it's gotta be magical.  On WWE 13 though...well, it's sort of tough to sit through because there's not a lot going on.  There's this sort of mildly creepy/mid-tempo song and OH MY GOSH THE UNDERTAKER STILL HASN'T MADE IT TO THE RING YET.  It's starting to get to the point where I seriously consider just skipping the whole thing.

What Undertaker does better than anybody, though, is the in-ring extracurriculars.  The throat slit, the coffin pin, the hat removal, the eyes in the back of his head, the Gene Simmons- I remember him when he first came into the WWE as this other-worldly demigod who was powered by a magical cookie jar or whatever.  20+ years later, and he's still rocking it. 

I'm not sure if it's just because we're getting closer to the PPV, but I feel like the matches are getting more epic, even on the quick setting.  For a #1 contenders match, this was everything you'd want from the possible future tag team champs.

Oh yeah, this sort of happened after the match...Kane started kicking Undertaker as he lay on the ground and then Billy Gunn brought up a couple of chairs and they proceeded to hit the Undertaker with the chairs and OH MY GOSH, HIT GUYS WITH CHAIRS IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!!  What a great accidental promo!  What a crazy swerve!  What an awesome game!

NXT results:
Chris Jericho defeats Shawn Michaels (vis submission)
Triple H defeats Godfather
Arnold defeats Barack Obama (revenge from Monday Nitro match)
Colbert defeated Tebow.  After the match, Scorpion came out to try and cheap shot Tebow (not sure why), but Colbert came to Tebow's defense.
Raphael defeated Rey Mysterio

Rankings:
Are the Sith making their move towards championship relevance?  Vader jumped to #6 from #30 and Maul from #31 to #12.  I'm skeptical though- we'll have to see how they're utilized next week to know if they're really getting a push or not.  Over in Raw, Brothers of Destruction jumped from #4 to #2 in tag team division, although the fall-out from their last match will be interesting.  As of right now, according to the Superstar profiles, Kane is still Undertaker's Level 5 ally.  And in a bit of trivia, Sheriff Rick Grimes is a Level 3 rival.  You know what they say- keep your back-stabbing friends close and your vague enemies sort of far away. 

YWL: Season 1, Week 2

Well, no one has written me hate mail or unfriended me on Facebook.  I'm going to consider week 1's recap a rousing success!  But this is not that.  This is week 2.

WCW:

Kharma vs Random Bella Twin
I almost didn't put 'vs' in the matchup field.  'Vs' implies that there was some sort of competition, a meeting of two (or more) parties where everybody had at least some chance of victory.  That's not what happened here.  At all.  Kharma won this one with ludicrous decisiveness.  Shoot, she could have got more resistance from a blind, crippled child than she did from whatever Bella Twin she engaged with here.

In fairness to proper noun  Bella, I wouldn't have wanted to get in the ring with Kharma.  Even before this match, Kharma was very highly ranked on the list of Women I'm Afraid Of.  It's actually a shorter list than you might suspect.  Here's the top five: 
1) My wife when she gives me "The Look" (think Blue Steel meets all of the Saw movies)
2) Kharma
3) Lady Gaga sans makeup
4) Any woman that could beat me up 
5) This scary lady

AJ Lee and Presumably the Other Bella Twin vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
All of the websites I've visited have said in order to make Universe mode work the best in terms of developing storylines, you have to keep the matches as presented and actually watch them (instead of just simulating).  This process has met with mixed reviews thus far.  I've gotten some freaking gold at times (Sith vs. Avengers, Michael Jackson vs. Tim Tebow); however, I also got stuck with this.

Nothing against female wrestlers- but when I have a card featuring the Justice League vs the Watchmen, Captain America vs Strong Bad, and a Triple Threat match between Skeletor, Red Hulk, and Iron Man...well, an extremely random tag team match in the Divas division is really not the kind of match I want to see.  Actually this is the type of match that no one wants to see.  Even the WNBA would change the channel if this came on.

Fortunately I was able to real-wrestle my son during this time, which made the process (slightly) less painful.

Justice League vs Watchmen
With a booking of the gritty, ultra-dark, anti-heroic Watchmen against the champions of the 1950s comic code, it was not surprising in the least that this match devolved into an epic all-over-the-arena backyard brawl.  Besides, when Rorschach is the moral compass of your team, things are bound to get a little underhanded.  And for one night, at least, the low-blow antics paid off as the Watchmen scored a huge upset against the Justice League, with Dr. Manhattan securing the pin against the Batman.

For a simulated 'quick' match, it was wicked intense.  I 100% endorse a future 'No Disqualification' rematch between these two DC dyads.

Captain America vs Strong Bad
OH MY GOSH- Homestarrunner just came up behind Strong Bad during his entrance, slammed his head onto the metal stairs, and threw him into the ring!  Strong Bad probably just got a concussion!  Holy crap!!!

Alas, it is nowhere near as cool as it could be.  And until I can figure out how to simulate the voice of every single wrestler, this will continue to be the status quo.  Man, I totally wish I could pull off a mock-Strong Bad/Mean Gene 1980s promo to address the cheap shot and Strong Bad, like, challenges Homestar to a flaming watering can match...or something.  Gah!  That's be awesome!!!  

Skeletor vs Red Hulk vs Iron Man
Obviously, by sheer booking alone this match had "Epic-ocity" written all over it.  But when Skeletor and Iron man teamed up on the 'ol "Crouching Behind Someone And Pushing The Person Over The Crouched Person" move to Red Hulk- well that took it so far in the stratosphere that NASA was notified.  It reminded me so much of middle school, only instead of some voice-cracking/acne ridden/tent-pitching kid getting pushed over, it's the 7', 1200 pound, highly skilled combatant/master strategist with incredible levels of superhuman physical strength, stamina and durability who becomes hotter as he grows angrier, leaves huge amounts of residual radiation, and is nearly invulnerable to physical damage.

Basically the same

After Skeletor won the match, Kharma came down the ramp to congratulate Skeletor and escort him back to the dressing room.

I didn't even try to find out what happened after that.

Raw is war:

In other news, I checked and sure enough there is not enough space to do add "...spelled Backwards" to this leagues' name.  I am seriously bummed.   

Delaney vs Natalya
Delaney the wrestler, who it could be argued came upon her Women's title and 100 rating due to some some good, old-fashioned nepotism, was controlled by Delaney the real kid and won her first match in the YWL.  Unfortunately for Natalya (who I had to control to make sure that Delaney won), her third loss in as many matches has likely buried her deeper than the Mariana Trench at this point.

I don't know if this is a sign that I'm playing the game too much (Sara's note: Um, absofreakinglutely you are), but I'm starting to reach the point that I am not sure how much longer I can purposefully keep losing to the kids.  I mean, had my signature/finisher combo unlocked and was working on a second almost before Delaney could even get a good shot at me.  Eventually I'm just going to have to unleash the Five-knuckle shuffle and deal with the consequences.  

Consider yourselves warned, kids

Brothers of Destruction (Kane and the Undertaker) vs The Living Legends (Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee)

The only thing you need to know about this match is that the Legends won because Bruce Lee made the Undertaker tap out.  I will now allow you to utilize the powers of your imagination to fill in the gaps whilst you ruminate on the awesomeness that is Bruce Lee.

Also, it just hit me that I'm giving the names of my tag teams and not necessarily giving you the names of the wrestlers in those tag teams.  Oops.  My bad.  Except it isn't my bad.  As the Road Dogg so passionately (and persuasively) argued, in instances where intent or information was not clearly conveyed, the burden of inquisition is on you.

Niko Bellic vs Beavis vs Captain Planet
This match right here, this embodies the heart of what I want the YWL to be all about- a couple of 1990s cartoon characters squaring off against the protagonist of a 2009 video game.  It's a reminder that "Hey.  It's okay to dream.  It's okay to dream crazy.  And it's even okayer to write about those crazy dreams on your blog".  And I want to dream crazy big. My kindred spirits over at M4gnation, for example, also run a crazy wrestling league with ridiculous rosters.  They also have Captain Planet.  Except their Captain Planet has also undergone a heel turn and emerged as Captain Pollution.  That's what I want YWL to become- this sort of beautiful virtual cesspool of over-the-toppities and other variations of shenaniganisms.

The match itself was somewhat nondescript.  That is, until I went into the kitchen to grab some waffle fries and came back to Niko lying in the center of the ring, Beavis stumbling around like a concussed drunk outside of the ring, and Captain Planet climbing over the top rope to exit the ring.  Not sure what exactly happened, but I watched with horrified amusement as Niko continued to just lay there for like five minutes while Captain Planet actually entered and exited the ring at least three times to go continue to pound on Beavis.  It was borderline demented watching Beavis just become more and more stupefied while Captain Planet ignored numerous opportunities to pin Bellic for the win in exchange for more chances to pummel the Great Cornholio.

Eventually Planet did just throw him into the ring and pin him for the victory...but after witnessing the cold-hearted let-him-have-it-ing that he was dishing out, perhaps a heel turn may be closer than I originally thought.

Road Dogg vs Triple H
I'm just going to say that the D-Generation X song is probably my favorite wrestling based song ever.  No, seriously, that's all I'm going to say about it. 

For reasons unknown, this was a cage match to determine the #1 contender for the Intercontinental.  Understand that at this point, Triple H already holds two of the three available titles- there is no reason for him to be shooting for the Triple Crown.  It's selfish.  Real life Triple H gets a lot of real life heat for burying up-and-comers- but at least he hasn't tried to hog all of the titles at the same time.

That said, I went ahead and played this game as Triple H.  Because the thought of the D-X stable holding all of the titles (did I mention that I'm a member of D-X?) gave me a nerdgasm.  However, let me tell you that playing a cage match on the 'quick' setting is pretty much a disaster.  The computer will punch you into a corner and then start climbing up the wall immediately.  And as a result, Road Dogg won and I lost.  I hate this stupid game.

But then Trips gave 'Dogg the losers "Good-game Hand Raise", which may have welcomed the Road Dogg into the DX fold and stole my heart in one fell swoop.  Oh, that Triple H.  What a wrestling mastermind! 

Rey Mysterio vs The Rock
After last weeks embarassing loss to the Godfather, the Rock resumed his place in the wrestling hierarchy by scoring a decisive victory over Rey Mysterio.  But his victory here served merely to mask a potentially devestating issue that could rear it's ugly head at some point in the future- Rock's inability to successfully attempt the People's Elbow.  (I'm not going to mention how I've controlled him for both of his matches so far).  It's still early in the season, but there's enough evidence to suggest that something may be amiss. 

NXT results:
Hold on, hold on, HOLD on.  NXT, what are you trying to do?  Did you just try to pass off Darth Maul vs Darth Vader as a match?  WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?????  I don't know if there's some greater plan here, but I'm totally changing taking the reigns on this one.  Just last week I was dreaming about Avengers vs Sith for the next couple months...now you're trying to make the Sith go all Rockers on us?  No.  EFF.  No.

Venom defeats Darth Vader via submission
(mumble) Bella defeats Beth Phoenix- huge upset.
Tim Tebow and Arnold defeat Red Hulk and Barrack Obama.  Governator and Tebow Time had great in-ring chemistry.  Might put them on a team called The Conservatives.  Or the Republican Party.
Kane destroyed defeated Road Dogg.  Highlight is when Kane did the DX crotch chop.
Strong Bad beat Iron Man

End of the week rankings jumps:
Dr. Manhattan, on the strength of his personal pinning of Batman, jumped from #25 to #8 in the WCW World Heavyweight title.  Nothing really in the Raw side, probably because there are more established (read: real) wrestlers that the computer GM knows how to properly rank.

Champions are the same as last week.  I suppose they likely will be until my first Pay-per-view (PPV), Hit Guys With Chairs, which is just two weeks away!  Set your TiVos, folks!