Let's take a break from the silly and get down to some business. Since I can't think of some frilly way to icebreak here, I'll just be blunt- the last couple of weeks, I've really been feeling like I have no purpose.
I'm not looking for sympathy- so please don't give it. At least not for a few days. I apologize if that's harsh. I'm really struggling right now, and sometimes I feel like people respond with good intentions that end up trivializing pain and invalidating struggle. The last thing I want is to feel like everything can just be whisked away by a greeting card line or a motivational flip calendar. If, after a few days, my struggle is still resonating in you, then by all means I want to hear what you have to say.
Like anything in life, there's not just 'one thing' causing me to feel this way. In fact, it is probably even more complex than how I'm going to characterize it. But there are a few areas that I'm struggling in, and they're all feeding off of each other to create the monster that is currently my self-esteem.
1) Inadequacy
Lately, I've been feeling as though I don't have a voice. Not literally- obviously I have a literal voice. And not so much metaphorically- I mean, I've been writing a lot lately, and by and large my writing has felt pretty good. But what do I have to say, really? What sort of contributions to the world at large am I making? What kind of legacy is being carved out by my words?
I know a lot of what I've been writing has been ridiculous, off-the-wall sorts of things, but I don't think that alone contributes to the feeling. Besides, humor is an important part of the human experience. I don't even feel like I've been doing that well lately though.
I've just been feeling this overarching sense of "what is the point?" lately. I've been trying to read more, and diversify the things I'm reading. Particularly I've been seeking out blogs and forums of a more intellectual nature. So I've been coming across a lot people who write like me except they're smarter, funnier, and better writers. It's like I can feel myself disintegrating into white noise.
I'm starting to feel like I'm in sort of this middle zone- like I'm smart enough to sound kind of smart, but I'm not smart enough to be smart without being exposed as a fraud. I mean, I know nothing about debating. Or philosophy. Or textual criticism. Basically anything that people do or say or think that makes them really smart, I don't do. I suppose I could focus on more trendy, pop-culturey things- but I don't do that well, either.
Ironically, even my belief that each person is worth knowing because of their unique perspective on the human experience isn't enough to lift my spirits. I honestly feel like I have little of worth to contribute to the human conversation. The past couple of years have been taken me on a pretty incredible journey of self-discovery. I find myself thinking about things differently than I did, making all sorts of forward leaps in thinking- and yet these wonderfully new and exciting ideas that I stumble on have already been discovered. Just call me Intellectual Chris Columbus.
I've been asking myself 'what does it matter what I have to say? What do I really bring to the table'? And whose table am I bringing it to? I know that pretty much all of my readers are friends and family. And I am very thankful for all of you, and for anyone who reads my blog, really. I just wanted to have a bigger audience and a larger sphere of influence, and I'm starting to feel like I don't have what it takes to get there. 32 might be kind of young to have a mid-life crisis. But there it is- staring me right in the face.
Maybe this is my lot. Maybe I'm to be this intellectual middleman, a Wal-Mart of knowledge. Bringing you virtually brand-name (like) discourse at discount prices. Someday I might find that to be of some comfort. Just not right now.
I know part of it is the unrealistic expectations that I have for myself. But with the way the Internet works, it's not all that unrealistic. Ideas spread within seconds. One link on a Facebook wall can find its way around the world in a heartbeat. That stuff doesn't happen to me. I get ecstatic if one of my posts gets more than 20 page views.
2) Insecurity
It's also frustrating to me is that everyone else has it all figured out- or at least they act/talk like it. No matter what the issue, everyone has taken their stand, and they're all so certain, and...how can you be so certain? I'm not certain of much anymore.
I'm working on a couple blog posts that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid because they speak to the way my worldview is changing. I have different thoughts and ideas about things that I know many people hold dear. And I'm scared to death to post them. I'm even afraid to mention here now that I'll be posting them then. I'm questioning some things that I previously held tightly to, and I'm worried that people will take my questions from my journey and internalize them as an attack on themselves.
I don't want to attack anyone. These is about me, and my stuff. This is about me needing to break free from the image that I feel I have misrepresented for awhile. I need to put myself out there. But I don't know how the words I say about the thoughts I think will be taken. And that frightens me to no end.
3) Drowning in routine
Finally, as a stay-at-home dad working part time as a care provider, I'm really struggling with feeling stuck. I knew that it would be hard when I decided to stay at home so Sara could go back to school. But I didn't know it would be as hard as it is. I feel like my life is this Groundhogs Day cycle, over and over and over again. I want to be learning and growing. And I have been doing that in part- I just feel like so much of my life is spent watching kids movies, washing dishes, washing laundry, playing with kids toys, picking up kids toys, and escaping into Fantasy Football and video games.
I'm sorry for griping about it- the simple fact is that I get to spend many hours a day with my children during their most important years. How amazing! Soon they'll both be in school full-time and I know I'll miss these moments. That's another thing that is really tearing me apart. I feel trapped, so I feel frustrated about that, but then I also feel frustrated about feeling frustrated about feeling trapped. It's getting to a point where I'm having a hard time enjoying the time I have with my kids, and I hate that. Hate it. But I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm just complaining, and that I should just man-up, or something. It's part of living in America- I just have to be tougher and work harder I guess. Sorry that I wore my Debbie-downer hat today.
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