Marvel vs. DC- The DC Stars (offense)

Last week, I entered into a great philosophical debate with myself about which comic book superheroes would make for great football players.  It wasn't pretty- tempers flared, hurtful words words were exchanged, a hit may or may not have been ordered, but in the end, I (we?) agreed on a cohesive, dominant Marvel roster that would surely take on all comers.  At the very least, they should be able to take out the Minnesota Vikings (NFC North burn!). 

So for this week, I was charged with the task of finding for them a worthy adversary from their rival universe, DC.  And that's what I did.  Because I'm the taskMaster.  Not to be confused with the Taskmaster- he's a Marvel super-villian. 

And you know what makes me a super-villain?  Presentation!

Pictures are taken from comicvine.com.  Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki.  And commentary is taken from the mind of AWESOME!!!!


Quarterback- Superman
6'3", 235 lbs

Really I could have plugged Supes in just about anywhere and it would have made sense.  After all, he can pretty much do anything.  But I figured he would be a great QB for the DC Stars for a few reasons.

1. Faster than a speeding bullet.  That's pretty fast- but how fast is it exactly?  Let's figure this out.  One of the fastest guns I could find Internet information on is from the .220 Swift, which has a muzzle velocity of over 4,000 feet per second.  Using a simple formula I also found in cyberspace, (B*3600)/5280, where B=bullet speed in feet/second, 3,600=number of seconds in an hour, and 5,280=number of feet in a mile, that comes out to about 2,727 miles per hour (mph).  When you figure that most police officers will give you cushion of about 10 mph, you are looking at a speeding bullet going around 2,740 mph.  And Superman is faster!
2. More powerful than a locomotive.  Fact: Locomotives are now commonly referred to as "trains".  That's pretty strong.  Combined with his amazing speed, trying to tackle Superman would probably be like trying to tackle a semi-truck that was traveling at the speed of light.  Or a train traveling at the speed of a bullet.  Either way- Superman is more powerful!
3. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I don't know if that will help him on a football field, but it sure will help him out at the combine.

Throw in his great vision (X-Ray and Heat), leadership, and strong arm (technically two strong arms. But we're going to assume that one of them throws like a girl), and you have a QB that gives DC the ability to move the football against any defense in a number of ways.  Shotgun, spread, option, pro style, swinging gate, single wing- you name it and Supes can make it happen. 


Besides- weren't those dreamy eyes made to scan defenses and read coverages?

How can I be expected to tackle you, Superman- you are just too beautiful!

Runningback- Sinestro
6'7", 205 lbs

Being a Detroit Lions fan in my formative football years, I was annually treated to the joy that was watching Barry Sanders run.  Of particular joy to me was to read and listen to all the really smart football guys, coaches and defensive players on other teams talk about how they hated playing against Barry.  They would say things about how they "couldn't sleep" and the thought of playing against him "gave them nightmares".

So when assembling the DC roster, I eschewed the normal attributes for a RB, and thought- What if the RB could literally inspire fear in the defense?  What if he actually drew his power from the fear of each and every living creature across the known universe- and he could harness that fear as light energy through a special piece of jewelry?  Thus Sinestro became a part of the team.  I'm sure athletically he'll be fine (even though with those proportions I'm worried about the Hulk snapping him like a toothpick), but his ability to strike literal fear into the defense will go a long way in covering up any sort of deficiency in his abilities.  Besides, this is really Superman's show.  The other players are just there to make him look good.  Not that it is a difficult thing to do.

(Faints)

Fullback- Kilowog
7'8", 720 lbs

Aside from being a hulking behemoth in his own right, Kilowog has a Green Lantern Ring, which means that he can pretty much make anything his mind can conceive of.  Could that come in handy?  Ya think?  Seriously, think of the implications- need to stay in and block for the QB? Brick wall! Can't quite reach that outlet pass? Giant pair of hands! Seconds ticking away to victory? Tub of Gatorade!

Wide receiver- Flash
6', 195 lbs

Have you watched the Patriots at all this year? I sure have- because Tom Brady is my Fantasy Football QB.  And my Fantasy Football team is awesome.  Did you really think I would go this whole series without mentioning Fantasy Football?  Anyways, if you've followed the Pats, you've seen the kind of damage that mighty-mite Wes Welker has been able to inflict on opposing defenses.  Now imagine if Welker could run Mach 10, vibrate through solid objects, and harness the power of the Speed Force.  Not that Bill Belichik would care- he'd still probably try to spread the ball around like the offense is some complex game of hot potato.

Wide receiver- Aquaman
6'1, 325 lbs

With so many speedsters in the DCU (our Flash is Barry Allen, by the way.  I'm not sure why there are so many different Flashes), why have Aquaman at the other WR position?  Why not put another DC speedster out there?  Maybe Zoom?  Or how about Professor Zoom?  Kid Zoom  Kid Flash?  Black Flash?  Max Mercury? 

Because I wanted to be a little more creative than that.  And what's more creative than putting an Atlantean sea-dweller who has a prosthetic left hand that is usually a sword into a land-based game at a position that usually requires two hands?  That's pretty freaking creative, eh?  Besides, on this team Aquaman is a glorified third tackles.  I mean, look at who our QB is.  Seriously, look at him. 

Lock eyes, from across the room...

Tight end- Amazo
8'5", 385 lbs

Amazo, on the other hand, will probably be like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski on this team and catch tons of passes for lots of yards and touchdowns.  You should know that I have both of those TEs on my Fantasy Football team.  And my team is awesome- just sayin'!  In addition to being really tall, Amazo is notable for his ability to replicate the powers of any meta-human he comes in contact with.  This opens up an entire world of options on the offense.  Think about Amazo.  Now think about the Marvel defense.  Now think about Amazo replicating any of their powers- do you see why this is amazing?  Or should I say- Amazoing? 

Tackle- Swamp Thing
Variable height, weight

Swamp Thing has his own set of skills and abilities which are probably all fine and dandy.  But he is really only here because of his ability to speak to, influence, and manipulate plant life.  Quick botany lesson- grass is a plant.  So not only do the Marvel defenders have to worry about what the DC offense is doing, they have to worry about what the grass is doing. 

Guard- Clayface
5'11", 180 lbs (variable with mass)

Center- Big Barda
7'0", 197 lbs

Guard- Beast Boy
5'8", 150 lbs (variable)

I want to talk about the interior of the DC offensive line as one.  Partly because the three of them have some physical similarities that would seem to make them poor choices to serve as interior offensive linemen, and partly because I'm tired of writing about offensive linemen.  Oh, excuse me- offensive linepeople.  At first glance, these three don't fit the dimensions of a typical guard or center.  Clayface is 180?  Beast Boy, a whopping 150 lbs?  And the 7' Big Barda is all of 197 lbs?  Does DC realize how ridiculous it is to have a 7'0" chick that weights less than 200 lbs?  She'd look like this:


Uh, okay Manute- you see that big, angry, 1400 lbs green guy over there?  On the next play, you block him.

But on this line, with this team, size doesn't matter.  Let's be clear here- the offense is predicated on Superman either running some sort of read-option play or firing a quick slant/WR screen to the Flash.  So the Stars don't really need maulers in the trenches.  They just need lineme..sorry, linepeople to interfere with and annoy the defense.  Clayface can muck up any sort of defensive interference.  Big Barda might have Barbie-like proportions, but she's Superman-strong and also has Apokolyptian combat training.  Beast Boy, in addition to literally being annoying, can transform into any animal in the history of ever.  He could transform into a woolly mammoth for those short yardage plays or into a green crow to fly in the face of the defender on a screen pass. 
I know, I know- I'm brilliant.  You don't have to wait, you can tell me now.

Tackle- Alloy
Unknown

Rounding out the offensive line is Alloy, a little-known character from an alternate future.  All you have to know is that he is most likely tall and is formed by all of the Metal Men combining together.  That's where he gets his name.  Alloy.  Because he's an alloy.  Yeah, I'm tired of writing about the O-line.

Kicker/Punter- Green Arrow
6'2", 195 lbs

Pretty much insert whatever I wrote about Bullseye in the Marvel article and put it here, except replace 'sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy' with 'playboy millionaire politician with leftist leanings'.  Actually, I guess you could just repeat the quote, verbatim.

Kick/punt returns- Superman and Flash.  Again with the obvious.

Head coach- Batman

You're probably surprised that I didn't suit up Batman given his years of martial arts training, special gadgets, and enhanced levels of strength and endurance.  But as great as Batman is in the arena, he's perhaps more devastating outside of it.  His meticulous preparation and legendary detective skills will serve him best in the film room, as he analyzes secretly obtained video footage of the Marvel practices. Give him a week, and he can figure out a way to beat the Marvel Machine. Give him two weeks- there's no way DC can lose.

Offensive coordinator- Lex Luthor

Lex here got the OC gig for a couple reasons.  First of all, he's always trying to pull some crazy real estate schemes.  Well isn't that what football is?  Just a series of choreographed skirmishes designed to take control of or defend bits of territory?  Second, who knows Superman's weaknesses better than Luthor?  As long as we can convince him that they're working together just for right now, he can put together a gameplan to take full advantage of Supermans' strengths and stay away from his weaknesses...like cheerleaders.

Trust me Clark- stay away from women.  They come from strange planets and will sap you of your strength.

So who does DC plan to employ to stop the high-powered Marvel attack?  Tune in on Friday to know for sure!

Non-comicvine PICS- Clark (football)-http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8z7ucfHOo1qb2sdzo1_500.jpg
Clark- http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/1/12780/640067-tom_welling_super.jpg
Clark 2- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg5jgWTo-_emJ_RmBnbF6Lzea78VTSl6GKyHixhmmG9NIfa9WWnJK85CDsIOL1DFy96V8LQby2TjmCP7obVcEgXKhisyUQhDO1yfh6sK_awubZWLldk3XQZOVjjqw9Q6MVLiwqW2Lye8/s1600/tom-welling+(1).jpg
Manute Bol- http://socialightent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/061910-manute-bol-gallery-sw-9_20100619150512_600_400.jpg
Lana Lang- http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/09/17/gal_cheer_smallville_kristin-kreuk.jpg