Swallow sadness, send some faxes

Today, Grantland announced their winners for the Fantasy Island contest- an exclusive club which I am not a member of.  Today, I again experienced the heartache of misplaced hope.  Today, as it will probably be known forevermore (or at least for the next couple days) as Doomsday, or maybe just the day that I realized this one thing- that I really am not good enough.

Yes, there's a little bit of self-loathing going on here, I'll admit it.  It's just that the overarching theme of this summer has been 'Not good enough'.  I was one of two candidates for a job earlier this summer.  Guess who got it.  Not good enough.  There was another opportunity later that would have put that one to shame.  Not good enough.  And now, this.  A chance to write on a topic I love in a format that I would probably be pretty good at- just not good enough.  

So, once again, even after trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to take my chances too seriously or get my hopes up too high, I find myself picking up the pieces again.  Wondering what's next again.  Well, I know what's next- working as a special education aide for peanuts.  I apologize if I seem bitter- it's just that I keep having people say 'something better out there' when it seems like all of the better things serve only to be the laser pointer to my cat-like curiosity and result in me wildly chasing them around, looking like an idiot to everyone in the world- except me, who can't figure out where the hell that red light keeps going off to.

Since I didn't enter the winners circle, I suppose there's no harm in sharing my submission for Fantasy Island.  Obviously it's not great, but I feel like it's me and that's all I can give, right?  Even if it's not good enough.

Do you want to know what sets me apart from all the other Fantasy Football “experts” on the Internet?  Simple—I finished 11-2 last year, led the league in scoring…and promptly flamed out of the playoffs in my first game.  That makes me the Peyton Manning of Fantasy Football.  Clearly, then, you shouldn’t miss my Top Five Fantasy Players of 2012.

5.  Arian Foster: I’ve never been a huge Arian Foster fan—mostly because he has a history of making me look like an idiot.  As Martin Niemöller (maybe) once said:

In 2009 he came to me in the 16^th round and I passed, because Arian who?

In 2010 he came to me in the 5^th round and I passed, because I wasn’t paying attention.

In 2011 he came to me in the 1^st round and I passed, because I believed 2010 was a fluke.

In 2012 I tried to trade for him, and I almost got laughed out of the league.

Foster’s a certified stud because he’s one of the last of the bell-cow backs and also plays an integral role in Houston’s passing game.  I just have one question—is it too late to hop on the bandwagon?

4.  Cam Newton: Confession time—who saw this kid coming last year?  Besides me, I mean.  Because I totally drafted Cam Newton last year.  Sure, it was a throw-away Mr. Irrelevant pick and in a cautionary tale of Fantasy Football hazing gone wrong I cut him days later when the rosters had to be set at 16.  Guess I showed him though!

I have Newton at number 4 because even though there’s no way he puts up PlayStation numbers again, I wouldn’t bet against him.  Newton spent his offseason doing things like making regular underwear obsolete and loading up on electrolytes (Electrolytes!) –which suggests he’s poised to lead his (your) team to victory.  Or at least a killer stat line. 

3.  Jimmy Graham: This spot was a toss-up between Graham and Rob Gronkowski.  In the end, I went with Jimmy because he was responsible for giving me approximately zero psychological scars this summer.  Gronk, meanwhile, was my own personal ‘Einhorn is a man’ moment (at least he went laces out though).  Besides, no less an expert than Drew Brees (who helped make the former-college-basketball-playing-tight-end a ‘thing’) said “the sky is the limit” for Graham.  Science flash—the sky is like 109,120 yards high.  Do you know how many fantasy points that is?  Well, it depends on how your league scores…but it’s probably a lot. 

2.  Calvin Johnson: Look, the Madden curse is real, so let’s just put that card out on the table.  Still, I have reason to believe that Johnson will not go the way of Peyton Hillis, and it totally has nothing to do with the fact that my psychiatrist told me I should try and be more positive.  It has everything to do with these numbers—6, 5, 4.35, and 42.5.  As in, 6’5”, 4.35 40 yard dash and 42.5” vertical leap.  That type of sick natural ability transcends superstition.  And if Stafford stays healthy again, then we could…OH GOD, WHY DID CALVIN GET ON THE MADDEN COVER????

1. Tom Brady: In the post-concussion-awareness NFL, any QB could potentially throw for 5,000+ yards and crap-ton o’ touchdowns and be a top fantasy prospect.  So how did I choose Brady?  Rather than drawing names out of a hat like most of my contemporaries, I designed this ultra-complicated and definitely-not-fake formula that unfortunately was destroyed in a mysterious house fire (okay, I actually just played ‘eeny, meeny, miney, moe’).  The point is  that I was able to definitively determine that Tom Brady will be the absolute bestest, most awesomest Fantasy Football player in 2012.

Unless, of course, he’s not.

Bonus time!  My top sleeper:  Mike Williams (the Tampa Bay one).  Hey, I don’t blame you for sleeping on this guy.  I mean, even I spent last season walking that line between pleading for production and having to be restrained from punching him right in the face.  It wasn’t long ago, however, that Williams had almost 1,000 yards and 11 touchdowns.  2012 finds Williams in better shape, with less defensive attention (thanks, VJ!) and the opportunity to line up in different spots to draw more favorable match-ups.  And he’s sporting a Sunnah beard.  If he can fit that sucker inside his chin strap, you have to feel pretty good about his chances to come back from Fantasy Hell in 2012.