Swallow sadness, send some faxes

Today, Grantland announced their winners for the Fantasy Island contest- an exclusive club which I am not a member of.  Today, I again experienced the heartache of misplaced hope.  Today, as it will probably be known forevermore (or at least for the next couple days) as Doomsday, or maybe just the day that I realized this one thing- that I really am not good enough.

Yes, there's a little bit of self-loathing going on here, I'll admit it.  It's just that the overarching theme of this summer has been 'Not good enough'.  I was one of two candidates for a job earlier this summer.  Guess who got it.  Not good enough.  There was another opportunity later that would have put that one to shame.  Not good enough.  And now, this.  A chance to write on a topic I love in a format that I would probably be pretty good at- just not good enough.  

So, once again, even after trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to take my chances too seriously or get my hopes up too high, I find myself picking up the pieces again.  Wondering what's next again.  Well, I know what's next- working as a special education aide for peanuts.  I apologize if I seem bitter- it's just that I keep having people say 'something better out there' when it seems like all of the better things serve only to be the laser pointer to my cat-like curiosity and result in me wildly chasing them around, looking like an idiot to everyone in the world- except me, who can't figure out where the hell that red light keeps going off to.

Since I didn't enter the winners circle, I suppose there's no harm in sharing my submission for Fantasy Island.  Obviously it's not great, but I feel like it's me and that's all I can give, right?  Even if it's not good enough.

Do you want to know what sets me apart from all the other Fantasy Football “experts” on the Internet?  Simple—I finished 11-2 last year, led the league in scoring…and promptly flamed out of the playoffs in my first game.  That makes me the Peyton Manning of Fantasy Football.  Clearly, then, you shouldn’t miss my Top Five Fantasy Players of 2012.

5.  Arian Foster: I’ve never been a huge Arian Foster fan—mostly because he has a history of making me look like an idiot.  As Martin Niemöller (maybe) once said:

In 2009 he came to me in the 16^th round and I passed, because Arian who?

In 2010 he came to me in the 5^th round and I passed, because I wasn’t paying attention.

In 2011 he came to me in the 1^st round and I passed, because I believed 2010 was a fluke.

In 2012 I tried to trade for him, and I almost got laughed out of the league.

Foster’s a certified stud because he’s one of the last of the bell-cow backs and also plays an integral role in Houston’s passing game.  I just have one question—is it too late to hop on the bandwagon?

4.  Cam Newton: Confession time—who saw this kid coming last year?  Besides me, I mean.  Because I totally drafted Cam Newton last year.  Sure, it was a throw-away Mr. Irrelevant pick and in a cautionary tale of Fantasy Football hazing gone wrong I cut him days later when the rosters had to be set at 16.  Guess I showed him though!

I have Newton at number 4 because even though there’s no way he puts up PlayStation numbers again, I wouldn’t bet against him.  Newton spent his offseason doing things like making regular underwear obsolete and loading up on electrolytes (Electrolytes!) –which suggests he’s poised to lead his (your) team to victory.  Or at least a killer stat line. 

3.  Jimmy Graham: This spot was a toss-up between Graham and Rob Gronkowski.  In the end, I went with Jimmy because he was responsible for giving me approximately zero psychological scars this summer.  Gronk, meanwhile, was my own personal ‘Einhorn is a man’ moment (at least he went laces out though).  Besides, no less an expert than Drew Brees (who helped make the former-college-basketball-playing-tight-end a ‘thing’) said “the sky is the limit” for Graham.  Science flash—the sky is like 109,120 yards high.  Do you know how many fantasy points that is?  Well, it depends on how your league scores…but it’s probably a lot. 

2.  Calvin Johnson: Look, the Madden curse is real, so let’s just put that card out on the table.  Still, I have reason to believe that Johnson will not go the way of Peyton Hillis, and it totally has nothing to do with the fact that my psychiatrist told me I should try and be more positive.  It has everything to do with these numbers—6, 5, 4.35, and 42.5.  As in, 6’5”, 4.35 40 yard dash and 42.5” vertical leap.  That type of sick natural ability transcends superstition.  And if Stafford stays healthy again, then we could…OH GOD, WHY DID CALVIN GET ON THE MADDEN COVER????

1. Tom Brady: In the post-concussion-awareness NFL, any QB could potentially throw for 5,000+ yards and crap-ton o’ touchdowns and be a top fantasy prospect.  So how did I choose Brady?  Rather than drawing names out of a hat like most of my contemporaries, I designed this ultra-complicated and definitely-not-fake formula that unfortunately was destroyed in a mysterious house fire (okay, I actually just played ‘eeny, meeny, miney, moe’).  The point is  that I was able to definitively determine that Tom Brady will be the absolute bestest, most awesomest Fantasy Football player in 2012.

Unless, of course, he’s not.

Bonus time!  My top sleeper:  Mike Williams (the Tampa Bay one).  Hey, I don’t blame you for sleeping on this guy.  I mean, even I spent last season walking that line between pleading for production and having to be restrained from punching him right in the face.  It wasn’t long ago, however, that Williams had almost 1,000 yards and 11 touchdowns.  2012 finds Williams in better shape, with less defensive attention (thanks, VJ!) and the opportunity to line up in different spots to draw more favorable match-ups.  And he’s sporting a Sunnah beard.  If he can fit that sucker inside his chin strap, you have to feel pretty good about his chances to come back from Fantasy Hell in 2012.

Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg

An awesome opportunity it would be...if only it would happen to me

Rather than tread lightly around the subject, I'm just gonna come right out with it.  Today is (supposed to be) the day that the Bill Simmons website announces who their Fantasy Football writers are going to be.  I'm honestly trying not to think about it too much, or get my hopes up, because I imagine that they got a ton of responses- and while I usually go back and forth about my abilities as a writer, I have no misgivings about my chances here.

What gives me hope is that the competition was not about being a fanciful writer or a Ron Jaworski clone.  They simply asked for a voice (10-12 voices, actually).  Hey- I have a voice!  Thus I wrote an exquisite 750-word essay, submitted it, and put myself out there.  I have just about zero delusions of grandeur, but I firmly believe that I have what it takes to be a Fantasy Football writer. 

Why do I believe this?  Simple.  After working on this project, I went back through and read some of my previous posts about Fantasy Football and I realized something- I'm ridiculous.

Just in case you didn't realize it yet.

I'm not just ridiculous...nay, I am the King of Ridiculous!  I mean, I am the guy who spends a Sunday morning scouring the box scores of Fantasy Football games from 3 years ago to determine who his all time leading scorer is.   I am the guy that wrote about franchises being Sarlacc pits and equating injured reserve with death and...and...and...well, doggone it, I should be writing for Grantland, a website that routinely tip-toes the line between the awesome and the absurd.  And what is more absurdly awesome than me writing about my Fantasy Football exploits with this sort of self-aware-ridiculousness?

(Hint:  Nothing.  The answer you're looking for is 'nothing').  

So yes, I'll be checking my e-mail (and Grantland) today like I'm Gigi.  After all of the opportunities that fell through this summer, I sure would like to think this is the pot of gold at the end of my proverbial rope.  But whether I succeed or not (and yes, you will find out either way), one thing is for certain: later this week I will be bringing you my 2012 Fantasy Football draft report!!!

PIC: http://mavenagency.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/spoiler_alert_300_w2.jpg

The NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries All-Time Leaderboard (Yes. I did.)

Okay world.  It's time.  You can release the collective breath you were holding while you are sitting on the edge of your collective seat.  It's August, and that can only mean one thing. 

Fantasy Football is starting!

I know, I know, I wrote before how I was done writing about Fantasy Football.  But not only am I not done writing about Fantasy Football, I am going to write a separate post about how I am not done writing about Fantasy Football.  Yeah.  That's how 'not done' I am.

Today, I will complete my draft for the 2012 rendition of the Snow Flurries.  I will begin to analyze my draft in context of what I did last year and what I hope for this year (with, yup, you guessed it- yet another separate post), and prepare for the most agonizing 13 weeks of the year.

In an effort to really, REALLY amp up the excitement factor (or ridiculousness...they're so close as to be kissing, after all), I went through my past three seasons of games and figured out who scored how many points when...then I wrote all those down...and I am now honored to have the privilege of bringing to you, for the first time EVER in digital glory...the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries All-Time Leaderboard.  Yes, folks, in case you ever wondered who my all-time leading scorer is or how many 20+ point games that Tom Brady had during his magic 2011 season...well, you don't have to wonder any more.  I figured it out for you.

You're welcome.

Besides, I didn't just do this for you.  I did it for me and my future Snow Flurries.  Because I understand the Big picture.  See, when an athlete gets drafted, they aren't just getting drafted to compete on the field for their (Year X) team.  They are competing against the legacy of your predecessors, the legend of the ghosts of sports lore.  They are competing against the expectations of the fans and the weight of all those memories.  The great ones are the ones who learn how to be themselves in the greater context of these franchises, bringing glory to themselves in pursuit of further glory for the storied franchise.  Confused?  You won't be...not after I bring the understanding. 

Think of a franchise like a big Sarlacc pit.

For some of you, this is easier to imagine than others.

The pit itself represents the franchise.  The people getting eaten are the things that bring the franchise glory- whether it be championships, wins, or what have you.  The spikes on the sides represent all of the players in the history of the franchise.  They're a part of the glorious lineage of the pit, er, franchise-, and I'm assuming that the franchise needs them- but they aren't doing as much to bring glory as those gross looking tentacle thingies...which are, of course, the superstars.  The Jeters, the Bradys, the Duncans- guys that use their skills to help drag unsuspecting victims to their 1,000-years-of-digestion death.  Also, I think I may have mixed up my metaphors.

For future Snow Flurries, our pit is sort of small and definitely hungry.  Coming into year four of our program, those lucky few will be battling the ghosts of an all-time 21-18 team that has never won a do-or-die playoff game.  Unfortunately an actual Sarlacc pit would probably be a more desirable destination.  Lucky for me, they don't get to chose.  Get drafted, get your bags packed, and get to Snow Flurries camp, punk!

Here are the top four in each category that I took the time to compile.  These lists actually go bigger, but I figure I should only reveal my awesomness in small doses to keep people from dying from second hand exposure.  You'll notice Tom Brady's 2011 all over the list.  He's the big, wriggling snake of our sarlacc pit of mediocrity.

Most Points, Game

1. 44, Tom Brady, 2011 vs. Knights
2. 39, (Tie) 
1. Denver D/ST, 2009 vs. War Machine
2. Bears D/ST, 2010 vs. El Diablo
3. 37, Ravens D/ST, 2011 vs. InUrWallet TaknEvr1s$$$$
4. 36, Dwayne Bowe, 2010 vs. Disco

Most Points, Season

1. 309, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 263, Ravens D/ST, 2011
3. 228, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
4. 192, Donovan McNabb, 2009

Most Points, Career (Non-Defense)       

1. 309, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 306, Michael Turner, 2009-2010
3. 238, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009-2010
4. 192, Donovan McNabb, 2009

20+ point games, Season

1. 10, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 7, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
3. 6, Ravens D/ST, 2011
4. 5, Dwayne Bowe, 2010

20+ point games, Career

1. 10, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 7, (Tie)
1. Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
2. Ravens D/ST, 2010-2011
3. 6, Michael Turner, 2009-2010
4. 5, Dwayne Bowe, 2010

And now you've tasted my brilliance.  Please excuse yourself to the restroom before spitting it into the sink.

PIC: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb58378/starwars/images/2/25/Sarlacc-BTM-DB.jpg

From the archives: Maybe YOU'LL think next time before you write a song about destruction of property

Note: I realize this song has been out for over five years, but I heard it on the radio this morning and realized I had never shared my thoughts about it with the world.  So, um, here they are.  In make-believe form.

To: Carrie Underwood
RE: Before He Cheats

Dear Carrie,

Recently the production team at Arista Nashville flagged one of your songs ( 'Before he cheats' ) and brought it to my attention.  As your legal advisor, I have to tell you that I have reviewed the song and my legal advice for you is: DO NOT RELEASE IT.

I acknowledge that this may not be easy for you to hear.  Let me just say that I can understand the pain of being in a relationship where one person is unfaithful.  I've watched a lot of soap operas.  TONS.  But this isn't about me.  It's about you and your broken heart.  It's about empty promises and shattered trust, and your feelings of helplessness and lack of recourse.

But more than that, it's about WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?????  ARE YOU INSANE???  Maybe he'll think next time he cheats?  How about 'Maybe I'll think next time I decide to engage in blatantly criminal actions'.  Because right now, the only person who needs a preventative prompt for their behavior is you. 

You see, Carrie, (and this is sort of huge)...we still don't know for sure that he cheated! All we have as evidence is your declaration of jilted feelings! Is there more to the story here? Did he come home late from work one night? Did you see a mysterious number on the caller ID? Did he buy you $4 diamond million ring out of the blue?  What are we going on here?  Where's your smoking gun?

It seems that your whole premise is based on some loose theories and conjectures.  Let me tell you what we know for sure: He's "probably" slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp (nothing wrong with being a bleached blond tramp, by the way), she's "probably" getting frisky,  RIGHT NOW he's "probably" buying her some fruity little drink.  Have you ever seen Law and Order?  None of this is admissible as evidence.  As my good friend Yoda would say, "A case have not, you do".

I'm not trying to say he didn't cheat.  You don't strike me as the type of lady who would lie to millions of country music fans.  It's just...well, this really feels like a preemptive blow.  Like you're a freaking sociopath or something.  Honestly, from all that you've given us to go on, I imagine this guy is probably just too good to be true and you've been hurt before and so rather than wait around to get hurt again, you push him away...by jacking up his SUV and then cashing in your 'jilted lover' story to make a quick buck. 

Carrie, you're obviously very beautiful and very talented- but if I have to explain to you why you don't accuse someone of doing something they haven't done, vandalize the crap out of their car, and then sing about it on the radio...well, we might be looking at the end of your music career.  Or music immortality, I still haven't figured out how you can tell the difference. 

Maybe in the future you should try open and honest communication (or communication of any kind).  Maybe try journaling or find some professional help.  Because it seems like this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.  I'll bet if he came home late, it's because he had to, you know, work late.  And the mysterious number was likely just a creditor calling because he just wrecked his credit by buying you a $4 million diamond ring.   

Regardless, it shouldn't take him too long to figure out who did this- you did carve your name into the seat and then write a song about it.  Unless he is a moron, in which case I can refer you to a dating adviser.  

In the future, I think you should try to write more songs about Jesus and His driving skills.  THAT song gave me warm fuzzies.  And hey kid, try to lighten up.  At least your ex wasn't some overrated playoff choking quarterback or something. 

Because I totally could have got behind that misdemeanor.

Reluctantly preparing for your legal defense,

Name Withheld



Pic- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Romo

Love+Love=Ermahgerd

Question- when was the last time your mind was blown?  If you didn't answer 'right this second', then you're wrong.  Because it's about to be.  Check this action out.

You're welcome.

Yes friends- it's Assassin's Creed and Heroclix, brought together, like a chocolate/peanut butter combo delivered direct to the fringes of society.  I'm in, like, nerd heaven.  I love Assassin's Creed.  I love Heroclix.  To have them both together at the same time...well, it's as if you like a girl, and you also like her sister, but you can't decide...so you just decide to start dating their mom.  That's what it's like for me.  That's what I'm feeling right now. 

That said, I don't believe that I'll see the perfect iteration of Ezio in Clix form until I get to heaven.  So I do have some nits to pick.  Overall I'm pretty stoked though.  So stoked that I decided to bring you my thoughts, in blog form.  Which I'm guessing you probably already figured out.

Warning- I'll probably reduce myself to quite a bit of Heroclixese here with a little Assassinish mixed in with zero form of  translation.  I'm a terrible ambassador of my passions.  Sue me.

(Wait, wait, don't sue me- because the only items I have of value are my clix and my Assassin's Creed PS3 collection!!!!!)

What I like:

1) The pose.  I'm not too crazy about the picture of the sculpt- there's just so much detail and color in the Ezio costume and this picture makes it look like they captured exactly none of that.  Nonetheless, it's a classic Ezio pose, and very reminiscent of a Renaissance-era crotch chop.

2) The Team Ability- I'm guessing you probably don't know much about Heroclix.  Let me just tell you that stealth is pretty spectacular.  In a game where range rules, the man who can't be seen is king.  True, there are ways to circumvent stealth, but by and large, stealth affords our friend Mr. Auditore here a very effective layer of protection.  The average figure is gonna have to mosey on over to our friend here and hope that they doesn't roll doubles 1s, 2s, or 3s (or 4s if they have a sucky attack value).  Because if they do, they're gonna get a hidden blade right to the face (or something...more on that in a minute).

For the most part, the team ability really a pretty cool representation of the combat system.  They attack, they miss, you attack, you hit (and usually kill, but that wouldn't make a very fun Clix ability).  Apparently most of the local militia (also known as 'guards') were pretty much terrible combatants, dressing up in their expensive armor every morning and waiting for some ridiculously skilled assassin to engage them in a duel and then kill them.  Gloriously. 

3) Most of the powers are pretty accurate and feel authentic to the experience of Ezio.  

Name of power (actual Heroclix power).  You with me?

• Roof running (Leap/climb)- Let me just tell you that I've played four Assassins Creed games and the joy and thrill of the Leap of Faith never gets old.  NEVER.  The idea of jumping off of stories high buildings- backwards, mind you- into shallow bales of hay and/or bushes of flowers goes so far over the line of Ridiculosity that after a couple dozen of these jumps, you start to rationalize how you're able to jump right out of the hay bale and continue running through the streets.  After a hundred or so, you start to believe that not only is this feat humanly possibly, but that you yourself could do it too.  After that, your wife ties you up and throws you in the trunk every time your family stops at a building taller than ten feet.  You bet your sweet bippy that every single time I move Ezio off of some elevated terrain, I'm going to be making the eagle screech while I pick my figure up off the table and drop him onto his back in the next square. 
• Altaïr's Armor (Invulnerability)- This is such a clever nod to the game play, it's not even funny.  In the game, Altaïr uses a mystical relic, the Apple of Eden, to create the perfect armor, made out of some new mystery metal (probably unobtanium) that is extremely strong (maximum health), unbreakable- and light enough to allow "complete freedom".  Ezio usually obtains this towards the end of game play, after collecting the six seals to unlock the tomb (or something).  Assuming that most characters in the Clix-creed system have damage values of 1-2 (again...more on that in a minute), his armor will be de facto impenetrable.  Well played, WizKids...well played.
• Poison Blade (Poison)- One of the most discreet ways to kill foes is by jabbing them with the hollow blade filled with poison.  It's super effective because it's not a flashy kill- you just sort of step up to them and stick them quickly with the blade, and then the punctured person starts to flail around like a zombie doing the Monster Mash, and everybody just sort of stands back and watches (or gets nailed by a wayward zombie arm) until the deceased falls to the ground and you can totally loot them of all their stuff (if you can tolerate people talking about your blasphemy).  My two favorite things to do with poison are: 
• Go up behind a group of guards and stab one of the ones in the rear (note: I'm stabbing a guard in the rear of the group, not stabbing a guard in his personal rear), and then just watch as the rest of the guards continue on their rounds.  Either that or I get bored and just go kill the rest of the guards.  
• Bribe a herald (which cost 500 florins), stick him, and then wait until he stopped spazzing and get my money back.  I know he's just doing his job, telling all the people about the dangerous assassin, but come on, man- 500 bones?  That's a lot of dough, and I'm not made of money.  Not until late in the game, anyways.

 4) I'm 33 years old.  I've been married for seven years.  I have two children.   I graduated from college.  And I guffawed out loud when I looked up at my open Ezio-clix tab and saw that it said "Ass-creed".  Hehe.  Hehe.  Hehe.  "Ass-creed".

Of course, the grass is always Tuscan Ember-er on the other side, and signore Ezio is no exception.  Here's what I don't like:

1) If any Heroclix figure EVER deserved a special power granting combat reflexes and super senses, it's Ezio.  I mean, that's sort of the whole 'parry/dodge' combat system.  You basically just hold down that L1 button when you're being attacked, time the counter just right, and go into berserk mode with the chain kills.  I would have rather seen Ezio's defense peak at a natural 17 and have a special power granting him those two defensive powers (CR/SS) than the natural 18 with mastermind- that's how Ezio fights. 

Speaking of Mastermind....

2)  The presence of Mastermind, period.  I don't like it.  On the HCRealms discussion board, one dude eloquently described the Mastermind-special power as representing the Assassin's guild (which at this point Ezio was pretty much in charge of) and how they'd lay their lives down for the cause.  I'm actually fine with that, for the most part.  I just think that in the Clix combat system, his abilities would be better represented by the CR/SS combo.

Especially since they named the power 'Blend'.  'Blend' is obviously not sloughing off damage to some simpleton who is too inspired to know any better.  'Blend' is when Ezio is chilling with a compact group of civilians and your screen flashes wavy green and all of a sudden the guards can't see you.  In a perfect world, I would have combined 'Blend' with the team ability and made it so that Ezio could use stealth if he was adjacent to one or more friendly characters.  

3) If you've played the Assassin's Creed games, you know that Ezio is basically Batman in the 1400s.  Armed to the teeth, he has probably a couple dozen weapons to choose from and even though he doesn't have them all at once (his clothes are pretty much a bat belt though), at any given time he can kill a guard by:

• Hidden blade
• Poison blade
• Shooting a poison dart
• Throwing knives
• Dagger
• Sword
• Pistol (built into his gauntlet)
• Crossbow
• Bomb

And they represent this by a 4 range and 1 target????  I think his ranged capabilities would have been better represented by a special power giving him a choice of either 4 range with 3 targets (the throwing knives) or 8 range with 1 target (crossbow).   To me, that would have pretty much made any other shortcoming inconsequential- the fact that they missed the opportunity amplifies them instead.

Additionally, the number of 1s and 2s on the damage slot is a little disconcerting.  Would a couple of 3s killed anyone?  I mean...you know what I mean!  Sure, he's a mere man- I don't expect any Hulk-level shenanigans here.  But if Ezio comes across any sort of damage reduction at all (which, in a set bound to be populated with suits of armor, is not out of the realm of possibility), he's basically going to end up dealing out more paper cuts and scrapes than he is awesome death blows.

Pictured- Ezio dealing out awesome death blows

4)  A couple of other powers were missed, pretty egregiously I might add.  First off, his hidden blade.  I know, I know- the card says Hidden Blade (Close Combat Expert).   But when I'm ramming my hidden blade into that guards skull, it doesn't feel like I'm having my damage increased by 2- it feels like I'm dealing penetrating damage (to his brain.  And now he's dead.  BOOM).  That screams 'Exploit Weakness' to me.  Especially if they lined it up with his blades/claws/fangs, giving him the potential to deal 6 penetrating damage.  Powerful?  Sure.  But this is Ezio freaking Auditore.  This guy should be able to one-hit KO street level characters and strike fear into the hearts of more powerful foes.  Not that he doesn't do that to a degree....just not to the degree that he could/should be.

The other power blatantly missing is some form of willpower.  Pretty much any character can have an argument made for them to have willpower- but it's one of Ezio's defining characteristics.  More than the unrivaled badassness and weapons proficiency, Ezio is such a compelling character because of his drive and determination to lead humanity to the truth- even in face of sickeningly overwhelming odds, delicious conspiracies, and the death of pretty much everyone that is close to him.  He keeps plugging along through thirty-plus years and three video games.  And in the end, he's able to walk away from it all because of the love of a beautiful woman.  Which doesn't really tie into willpower at all, but seriously- Sofia is a foxy lady.

As long as you don't look at her face.  (Sorry ladies)

Overall- I do like the dial.  I'm a little discouraged by some of the shortcomings, especially since I can't see another Ezio figure coming out from this time period (there will be an Ezio from Revelations though, which gives me hope), but overall it does feel like it could be Ezio, and with the proper support (AKA, his fellow Assassins), Ezio could very well prove to be the stone-cold killer that is near and dear to my heart.

PIC- Ezio- http://heroclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ass-creed-preview.jpg
Suddenly clear Clarence- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/296645-sudden-clarity-clarence
Ezio killing- http://www.gameseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood-Photos3.jpg
Sofia- http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110922214556/assassinscreed/images/6/68/Sofia-.png

Bait and switch

Spoiler- This post deals with more frustration on my part in terms of job search impotence.  So if that's not really your thing, then feel free to not read this post.  Besides, you've already clicked on the link, so Google is counting this as a page view, so your work here is essentially done.

A little back story- last year I worked in a special education classroom with a wonderfully awesome team of ladies who decided that they liked me and were sympathetic to my college-graduate-family-two-kids-grossly-underemployed status.  So they've been trying to help me find gainful employment, scouring the classifieds and want ads on my behalf.  I'm beyond grateful to these women.

Last week, one of them sends me some information about a job posting she saw.  It was an agency I was familiar with advertising a mental health position for a Bachelors of Social Work person.  Well hey here, future job!  I mean, come on now- I have, like, 4+ years of direct care mental health experience, some contacts inside the agency, and...hello?  What is this?  BACHELORS OF SOCIAL WORK????  You mean that the college degree I got a couple of years ago can actually be used to get me a decent job?

In full disclosure, decent job isn't quite accurate.  It was an obscene job.  Obscene as in (I haven't really told anyone this number because of trying to keep my expectations tempered, but I'm going to throw it out there now because I hope someone from that agency stumbles upon this blog, realizes that their seemingly deceitful practices really hurt good people that would like to partner with them in the pursuit of human empowerment, and feels bad for it) $40 per hour.  Yes, folks, you read that right.  40.  Dollars. An hour.  For a bachelors-level position in a field I have worked in with people that I know in charge.  I tried to not get my hopes up, especially since I wasn't sure if it was a full-time job or not (but honestly, I could have worked 10 hours a week at that rate and made the same amount of money I am making now wiping butts and noses full-time)...but when you're firmly thrust in the throes of poverty and trying to pull yourself up by the bootstraps that they tell you are standard-issue if you're an American, you get sort of intoxicated by such big numbers.  You start to dream about all of the debt you could shed quickly, like Loki getting the cosmic-cube and basically just doing whatever the hell he wants because he can.  You start to believe that you might soon find peace and stability.

And then you call to follow up on your resume' submission because they told you they are going to be conducting interviews in a week and you still haven't heard, and you really don't understand because (and I can't stress this enough) you have RELEVANT EXPERIENCE (in spades, I might add), INSIDE CONTACTS (not quite nepotistic in nature, but still...non-strangers), and THE DEGREE QUALIFICATION THAT THEY SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR IN THEIR AD.  And you talk to the lady on the phone (who is in charge of going through the resumes and is also a person you went to dinner with at a tasty Mexican restaurant while downstate at a conference for this agency) and she tells you..."Well, you have a Bachelors, and we're really looking for a Masters, because that's our agency standard, but hey, would you be willing to let us keep your application on file for this other position that we have a hard time getting applicants for".

Obviously I said 'yes'.  Not because I want to work for this agency so badly, but because I'm so effing poor that I have to consider working for people that would dangle a carrot in front of your nose and then switch it out at the last minute for a candy bar as long as they're offering a couple more dollars an hour.  Not a perfect analogy, I know...but you see what I'm saying, right?

My career- not going anywhere for awhile.

I really hope that this was a typo on their part, the clerical mistake of someone who is still probably making more money than I am.  But the whole thing really reeks of 'bait and switch' (hence the title).  Goodbye cosmic cube of dollars.  Goodbye financial independence.  Hello creditors.

I plowed through the denial/isolation phase of grieving with a simple "I quit" status on Facebook.  I've been simmering on anger since then.  I'll probably move quickly through bargaining, hang out for a little bit at depression, and...should I get to a stage where I accept this?  I don't know.  I am tired of accepting that I am getting passed over for positions that I could do, probably better than the people that they are actually hiring.  A little cocky, sure- but I know who I am and what I can do given the chance.  I've succeeded everywhere I've gone- but I'm not going anywhere as long as I don't have...what?  WHAT???  Can someone please tell me what I'm lacking (other than a Masters degree)?

Someone once said "The only thing stronger than fear is hope".  I'm not sure who actually said it- it was probably Johnny Depp or some other famous actor who gets an anonymous famous quote attributed to them complete with a sexy picture, but I know now that it's true.  It's true because the most painful thing a person can experience is to allow themselves to hope only to find that their hopes have been dashed against the rocks of reality.

PIC- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/8/88/Snickers_wrapped.jpg

My Olympic weekend

For those of my readers who either aren't paying attention or are living under a rock (not being facetious, by the way- 33% of my readership is in either of these two categories), the Olympic Games started this weekend.  You may have heard of them, they're sort of a big deal, only happening every 4 years.  Although, with all the national championships and world championships and world cups...maybe it's not such a big deal.  Side tangent- why are the world championships considered less prestigious than the Olympics?  I mean, you're the champion.  Of the world.  THE WORLD!!!  What can be better than that?  It's the freaking world!!!  Leonardo DiCaprio didn't say "I'm the king of the Olympics!".  Dr. Evil didn't hold the Olympics ransom for one million dollars.  And God didn't send His only son because He loved the Olympics.  Come on!

I'm not really sure what my tangent was about.  But it's out there now, and it's up to the world to take up the gauntlet of my crusade.  Or whatevs.

Back on task, the Olympics.  As I've alluded to before (or perhaps just came right out and said...I can't be bothered to remember such things), living with my in-laws has been awesome because they have, like, a 500-inch Flat Screen Plasma HDMI Future TV.  And they like to watch sports.  So, seeing as I like to watch sports, and they like to watch sports, and the Olympics are the Mecca of sports...this past weekend we watched a lot of the Olympics.

Unfortunately, you haven't been watching them with me.  For about 33% of you, that's because you either live under a rock or simply haven't been paying attention.  The rest of you, sadly, just don't live here.  Or not so sadly if you do, in fact, snore.

Don't sweat it though- I've decided that rather than let that your snoring come between you and the privilege of knowing what I'm thinking as I watch the XXX Olympics, I will bring my Olympic thoughts right to you, hand delivered on a silver platter through the miracle of the internet.  I know you'll probably never get a chance to say thank you- but really, you'll never have to.  I'm that awesome.

But seriously, you should say 'Thank you'.

This isn't going to be any sort of running tabulation or a Bill Simmons-running-diary.  No, this is just me, sitting down at my computer after the fact and typing up some random thoughts about what I've witnessed.  Will it be as epic as what I actually witnessed?  Pfft...please.  Of course it is.  This is the Olympics, brah.

VOLLEYBALL:

I watched the US Mens and Womens team take on Serbia and South Korea, respectively.  Volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports.  I'm familiar enough with it to know what's going on, but watching it only once every four years makes it feel fresh and new.  It's not quite as cool as Sepak Takraw, but still- it's pretty awesome.

WARNING- This paragraph is probably going to seem to be veering hard into 'sexist' territory.  But I'm going to navigate it so smoothly and deftly you're going to wonder what the heck just happened.  Either that or I'm going to smack in the middle of Don Imus' forehead.  I enjoy watching women's volleyball just as much as I do the men's game.  It's one of the few sports where I can honestly say that, and it's not because volleyball players are cute.  (Actually, the US Olympic team this year is not very attractive.  The whole game against South Korea, it was painfully obvious who had the more beautiful side.  South Korea was just flat-out drop-unconscious gorgeous though).  The women, while not playing with the same athleticism as their male counterparts, play at a high enough level to where that difference is not noticeable.  Also, the women utilize more lob shots than the men, who seem destined to spike every third hit no matter where they are or how many defenders might be blocking them. 

Last thought on volleyball- the US team has a player named Destinee Hooker.  I just want to say WHAT THE HECK were her parents thinking?  Did they lose a bet?  Were they conducting some sort of sociological experiment?  Did her moms water break as they were driving through the Red Light district?  Literally that is the worst name I have ever heard.  There is no coming back from that name.  Her parents, in one fell swoop, managed to give her a name that evokes images of a prostitute and a stripper.  All I know is that if Shane ever brings home a girl named Destinee Hooker, he is either getting A) Punched in the face, B) Disowned, or C) Punched in the face and then disowned.  

HANDBALL:

France beat Norway in women's handball.  Apparently this is a huge upset, since Norway is like the Chicago Bulls of handball.  See, this is why you watch the Olympics.  Now that I know this, I can't imagine how I lived life without knowing that Norway excels at womens handball.  Anyways, handball is like the America of sports- a melting pot of other games- a lot of basketball mixed with some soccer and hockey- and dodgeball.  Like America, it's awesome. 

Side tangent #2- I'm finding out that the phrase 'World Cup' does not belong to soccer alone.  Apparently every sport has a World Cup.  And I just think, there's already a World Cup-level event.  It's called soccer.  You can have Bowl, or Fondue, or Serving Spoon- but please.  Nobody cares about your sport other than the parents who shelled out thousands of dollars so you could maybe go to the Olympics.  Have some decency and leave the Cup moniker to the real sports.  End tangent.

ARCHERY:

I have never watched competitive archery before, and after watching South Korea (another mystery dynasty) defeat China in the women's final, I just have to ask myself- why?  THIS SPORT IS AWESOME!!!  It's like Legolas versus Hawkeye versus Robin Hood, but for reals.  It was amazingly intense, every archer seeming to come up with a clutch shot- if football is a game of inches, then archery has to be a game of centimeters.  Plus, there was a camera placed head-on with the archers.  How big do your stones have to be to be operating a camera face-to-face with an archer? 

ROWING:

I watched some rowing.  Other than hearing that a Grand Valley State graduate was on one of the women's teams, I really don't have much to say about this sport other than I can see why it's so popular among the Ivy League schools.  When you're smarter than everybody else, you get to partake of the frivolities that the rest of us find incredibly boring.

BASKETBALL:

I watched the NBA all-stars US men defeat France by lots, a little bit of Spain/China, and the first quarter trainwreck that was the US women and that European team that they played.  Not much I can say that hasn't been said about the US mens team- they're obviously very talented, but watching blowout basketball is not very compelling.  Indeed, I was washing dishes while this game was on, which should tell you how non-must-see-TV this game was.  I've watched a couple of the US games, and the talking heads of sports, and everybody is talking about our weaknesses while we blow teams away by 20+ points every game.  Sure, this years team is no Dream Team- but at what point do we stop trying to manufacture some drama and just watch the hurricane blow through the opposition?

The US womens game though...that was different.  I was all in for this game, not because it was compelling.  Actually, it was so bad that it became compelling.  Like you were rooting for the US to pitch a shut-out level compelling.  Like you were rooting for the US to win a close game after while scoring less than 40 points.  Seriously, this game set womens basketball back fifty years, easy.  I've never been a huge womens basketball fan- this may sound sexist, and I apologize for that, but I feel that guys just do it better.  They are faster, stronger, and jump higher.  Sure, women may do some of the fundamental things better (which I realize may be a stereotypical/generalist argument), but it's not more exciting.  I enjoy basketball, but I enjoy excitement more.  If I have to choose between basketball and exciting basketball, then it's a no-brainer.  I'm choosing NBA 2k11 on the PS3.

SWIMMING:

Thanks to Michael Phelps, swimming is as trendy as it has ever been and will probably ever be.  Me?  Not buying.  It's still just people swimming fast in a pool.  I will say this, though- as a habitual nose plugger, I'm super impressed with how these swimmers aren't drowning all the time.  Seriously, how do they do that?  If I get a little bit of water through my nose, I'm making a dead sprint to the pool side so I can cough my lungs out.  Did I miss out on the gene that allows you to breathe underwater like a fish? 

One of the downsides of having an Olympics in a different time zone is that the TV coverage does not always match up with the real time.  That means that I knew Michael Phelps did not medal pretty much before I even saw him qualify.  And I went upstairs last night so that I could see the US mens 4X100 relay team win the silver medal that MSN.com had already told me about.  Swimming is already not exciting- but when the drama is completely eliminated, I realize that I really don't care about swimming.  Period. 

Side tangent #3- I love watching these weird, non-familiar sports, and listening to all these commentators who are taking these sports much, much more seriously than I ever will with more insight and knowledge about them than I will ever have (or care to have).  The idea that these sports are happening somewhere in the world even when it's not the Olympics is still slightly mind-blowing for me.  It's like object permanence but with sports.

FIELD HOCKEY:

People playing hockey by running around on a hard floor- should be awesome, right?  WRONG.  I tried to watch the US womens team versus Germany but found that I couldn't.  It was pretty boring.  And I don't think it was because it was women's field hockey- I just don't think the sport is all that compelling.  It's way slower than ice hockey, which seems to negate any potential skill that could make the sport exciting.  Plus, I just kept thinking about their backs, and all that bending over, and I decided that watching field hockey is the poor mans version of watching somebody claw the chalkboard. 

BONUS:

While typing this blog, I watched a little bit of kayaking and found out that if your kayak capsizes and you pass through a gate, you are given a 50 second penalty.  Is that not the biggest d-bag penalty you could give out?  I mean, when a kayak capsizes, there's a legitimate chance that the person could drown, right?  So naturally, the best way to empathize is to dock them almost a minute of penalty time.  Here, you almost drowned AND we're making sure there's no way you can win.  In the kayaking world, is there that much of a concern that somebody would purposefully capsize their kayak in order to manipulate the course more successfully? 

I'm actually asking, I really don't know.  It just seems like an excessively harsh penalty.  But I can't get too hung up on that- US versus Brazil in women's volleyball is on!!!

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSDBOm7yzpg-F4eFP2bXnXDtsKTxcPUBFrqxF-1mGZmOBI8wvk59Ewonvpl_4LdAz4eL9dZjXfXy3IKz2G9gb5gCqxELBQXlFgYQ3q9BbcTtqqgoYzkbrRKoIHbvcBLaElFiStc0WJesM/s1600/936full-batman-begins-screenshot.jpg